Just cant understand

LegacyUser

Right broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years a few months ago, when we broke up we promised each other that we wouldnt drift apart and she proposed that we be completely open with how we feel and if we start seeing someone else which i agreed to. Well 2 months gone now and shes had some problems with college and life in general but during all this i was there as a shoulder to cry on and to comfort her, recently i have been going through a hard enough time and on one evening 2 weeks ago i sent her a text saying a really need to talk to someone, the reply i got was "im wrecked tired can we leave it until tomorrow", later that night i just felt worse and worse and decided i had to ring her even just to talk, when she answered she told me " cant talk right now im not at home". I left this alone and said nothing but it hurt me alot, just last thursday i got fired from my part time job and also got told i had failed a major assignment in college, so i tried again and texted her but again got the reply "can we leave it off im a bit busy". She told me she would talk to me the following sunday, however she needed a lift to collect her car on the Friday and just rang me to bring her out to it. It just seems to me that when she wants me around i have to be there or she gets mad at me but when i need her shes just too busy, i really dont want to lose her as a friend and i have confronted her about this but the only reply i got was "so you think im a complete bitch, well thats fine".
Sorry for such a long winded reply but need some advice

wyndham

Ex Trouble wrote:

i really dont want to lose her as a friend

She is not your friend, according to your version of recent events, so what are you losing?

Nalz

an ex is an ex for a reason, its too much to stay friends. No need to fall out with anyone but its just well left alone IMO

LegacyUser

'

i really dont want to lose her as a friend

\r\n\r\n\r\nit doesn\'t sound like you even have her as a friend, seems to me that shes just using you, my guess is she feels comfortable around you because you were so close for so long and is just using you as an emotional crutch until she finds someone else, all the benefits of a boyfriend without actually having one hence the reason why she has no real interest in your feelings.\r\n\r\nthere is also the possibility that she is seeing someone else and just hasn\'t told you yet.'

chamlis

ffs sake man.
She's using emotional blackmail by the sounds of "so you think im a complete bitch, well thats fine".

Purge her. She's no friend of yours.

LegacyUser

'My problem here is i feel really comfortable around her and happier as well (with the just friends im not looking for anything more), she is seeing someone else i left that out by mistake and i had to find that out off a bebo comment on a friends page. I just didnt know whether i was oversteping my own boundary of friend expecting her to be there when i needed her. Thanks to everyone for the advice.'

tbh

Ex Trouble wrote:

'My problem here is i feel really comfortable around her and happier as well (with the just friends im not looking for anything more), she is seeing someone else i left that out by mistake and i had to find that out off a bebo comment on a friends page. I just didnt know whether i was oversteping my own boundary of friend expecting her to be there when i needed her. Thanks to everyone for the advice.'

thats because your comfort zone involves being with your ex. Take my advice - staying friends with your ex doesn't work, unless you have had at least a year apart to get over things. It's called closure.

I like analogies, so I'll rustle one up for you.

At the moment, hanging out with your ex is like hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock on a really cold, dark, morning. You know you have to get up and get on with things, just.....not yet. Five more minutes. I'll get up when the sports news comes on.

I'll just watch a DVD with her. I'll just give her a shout to see how she's doing.

Time to hit the shower bud

aidan24326

At the moment you're just a convenient friend whenever she needs you. To her you're handy to have around sometimes but from your account she doesn't appear to care that much about your feelings. You say you don't want to lose her as a friend but she is hardly being much of a friend now is she? If your account is accurate it seems fairly one-way at the moment. You give she takes. Don't see what benefit you're getting out of it tbh. I sense you are still clinging to some feelings for her, and she is taking advantage of that. I'd give her the cold shoulder for a while. It's the only answer. Next time she needs help with something or needs a lift somewhere you'll be far too busy to help. Not your job anymore.

free2fly

It sounds like she's using you OP. You're "convenient". She knows that you're not going to say no to her. But she is giving you nothing in return. And this is obviously bothering you. Learn to have some respect for yourself. Let her go and move on.

Rb

aidan24326 wrote:

I'd give her the cold shoulder for a while.

Exactly.
Don't stand for how shes treating you right now OP, and don't go running to her or don't bother trying to get her to talk to you. If she wants you, she knows your number but make it clear you're not going to be walked over, or have whatever residual feelings you have for her exploited.
Friends don't treat eachother like that, so by doing so shes not being a friend to you.
Just back off, if she wants you she knows how to get in contact and sure, you can be a friend, but make it clear you won't tolerate that crap.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the advice, think its a unanimous decision here, just have to try not to text or ring her first and leave her come to me. Thanks all, you dont know how much this advice means to me.'

Rock Climber

The reality is she doesnt care about you,she has mostly moved on.
You are the port of last resort for her when all else fails.

You should put this one down to experience mate and find someone to occupy your mind who is prepared to give as much to you as you do to them.

Oh and delete her number from your phone.
You don't "need" her to come to you at all.
You need someone else full stop

Steyr

Ex Trouble wrote:

It just seems to me that when she wants me around i have to be there or she gets mad at me but when i need her shes just too busy

Shes using you to the last i suggest you kick that bitch to the kerb homeboy. Stay true to yourself and go get your college **** and job situation sorted, check yourself before you wreck yourself, your being used.

TonyD79

ye get rid alltogether as she will be back using u if her current situation dont work out..dont understand it either

mmenarry

She's using you as an emotional crutch, when things get hard - she'll lean on you.

As tough as it is - let her get on with it. She's not here for you, so the "friend" aspect of an "ex" isn't there. You're just being used (sorry).

There are exes who *can* be friends, in the supportive sense. They can know you better than people you've known for donkey's years. This girl is not one of them. Cut her loose, and leave her be. No good will come of you supporter her emotionally, you'll just get drained.

Sorry, but sometimes things just work out that way.

M.

Black Swan

Ex Trouble wrote:

i have confronted her about this but the only reply i got was "so you think im a complete bitch, well thats fine".

I think your answer if here...

MonkeyWrench

As other posters have commented, its difficult to have an ex as a best friend. It sounds to me like you still have feelings for her whether you realise it or not and you are overstepping the mark by texting and phoning her too much. maybe she feels uncomfortable about hanging out with her ex because now she has a new boyfriend. I wouldn't be too happy if I was going out with a girl and she was always around at her ex's or on the phone to him, even if it was innocent. Take the plunge man and do yourself a favour, try to get her out of your life and move on with things. Its not possible to be friends with an ex.

LegacyUser

"maybe she feels uncomfortable about hanging out with her ex because now she has a new boyfriend"

that would be a fair point only she seems very comfortable when its her doing the calling but when the shoe is on the other foot its a different story. Final nail in the coffin has happened anyway today, i sent a text on the day of my first post asking her what were her plans for the weekend ( she goes home for weekends so im nowhere near her, it was just a friendly chat opener) i got no reply at all, On Saturday evening i get a text message from her asking me to get her 2 tickets for the Ireland vs Australia match for her and her cousin since i usually get 4 tickets for each game. ive ignored this message and will continue to ignore futher messages, maybe i was a bit blind to being used emotionally but this is very plain to see even for me so ive finally had enough and it pains me to say it.

Chucky the tree

get her the tickets.


And then charge her double the price.


Glad you have seen the light, she got it spot on herself, she really is a complete bitch.

BrenC

Sadly what I would do if I was in your situation is just cut ties, don't try and contact her unless she contacts me first, and not so I can give her free lifts etc. If she said was it something she did, just say well you weren't bothered helping me out,or even listening to me etc and wait for her response. You prob shouldn't do that but thats what i would do