Relationship Issues

LegacyUser

Im 30 years old and have never had any sexual contact with a woman. I've never even kissed a girl. It sounds sad to say it but I've never held a girls hand.

Im extremely lonely. I notice everyone else with girlfriends or boyfriends. I'm confused how I've somehow managed to never experience such an important part of anyones life.

I have friends. Im not unatractive. I can hold a conversation, have interests outside of my work that get me into contact with others. But I still feel like I'm on the periphary of life. I want to take the risk of loving someone but I can't help feeling I've somehow programed myself to avoid relationships. I can't even get to the simple inbetween stage of enjoying myself, being rrelaxed around others, getting to know a girl before even worrying about love.

Im as confused, depressed, worried, fedup as I've ever been and I see that I've made no progress in this regard in my life. I do know that I don't want to spend another year without a relationship of some sort, just I don't know where to start.

I'm not sure what I want from posting here. Probably most of all to just say it out loud in a manner of speaking, for once.

tbh

so, where are you going wrong? For example, you say you have friends, you have outside interests - you must have met someone by now who has interested you? are you too shy to talk to them, or what?

(we're all asking cause we all want to help)

Kell

unregposter wrote:

but I can't help feeling I've somehow programed myself to avoid relationships. I can't even get to the simple inbetween stage of enjoying myself, being rrelaxed around others, getting to know a girl before even worrying about love.

Theres the problem there tbh.

Simple rule of thumb unregposter. Life & love is píss easy. Thinking about it makes it hard. From above, YOU have been putting yourself off starting a relationship or asking someone out. You more than likely sit thinking "what would she be interested in me for", "I am too inexperienced" etc etc.

Advice- stop letting your brain interfere and finish the next conversation you have with a woman (so long as its not family) with "how are you fixed at the weekend for a drink"?

Its only Monday. I expect four dates come the weekend, then we'll be advising you how to juggle women :eek:

K-

LegacyUser

Good advice Kells.
Also don't worry that the first woman you kiss etc will immediatly know that you have never done it before and write you off as a weirdo.
There are a ridculious amount of awful kissers out there, even if you are really really bad at first she will assume your one of those.
Things will come naturally quickly to you once you get started.

Red Alert

It's heartbreaking to read some of these, because I really feel for the OP. These posts come up every now and then, and I'm not sure eventually how the posters get on.

Before we get to hand-holding or kissing - can you talk to a girl at all, or do you ever? Looking back over this weekend, where I was away, I had a good few random conversations with random girls in two nightclubs. I also had a very random chat one evening with a girl at the bus stop.

You say you are lonely - do you go out socially? The obvious one being the inevitable Irish-style night out. I was quite shy and wouldn't approach anyone in a club or pub when I started going out, but I was really into rock, house and disco music so I used to love going onto the dancefloor, even though I'm crap at dancing. Do you have any other hobbies interests or passions - anything from train-spotting to bird-watching to voluntary work?

A little bit more info about your situation and experience and we'll do our best to help

LegacyUser

'

bhut wrote:

Good advice Kells.\r\nAlso don\'t worry that the first woman you kiss etc will immediatly know that you have never done it before and write you off as a weirdo.\r\nThere are a ridculious amount of awful kissers out there, even if you are really really bad at first she will assume your one of those.\r\nThings will come naturally quickly to you once you get started.

\r\n\r\nYou should actually think about what you write before giving advice. The OP is obviously acutely aware of his situation and you bring up negative things like \"awful kissers\" \"weirdo\" and \"one of those\" isn\'t a good way to ease his worries. Way to compound matters.\r\n\r\n\r\nOP, this is up to you to sort out. \r\n\r\nYou can listen to all the advice in the world, but the solution will boil down to you actually doing something about it. Take the plunge and make it happen.\r\n\r\nYou can hold a conversation, no? Well, talk to a girl, and if you like her, ASK HER OUT!! The theory really is that simple - \"Blah blah blah >insert conversation<. Hey, it was lovely talking to you. Would you like to meet up some time?\". Yes, it\'s scary, but it\'s also exciting. \r\n\r\nBefore, when I said \"take the plunge\", i meant you should to start out in the shallow end. Maybe you need to gain some experience and confidence around women first (I don\'t mean one night stands) before you start to consider the whole serious relationship thing. Not every assignation with a girl has to be a full blown relationship, and maybe you are thinking that it now does. It is understandable in you situation. \r\n\r\nGood luck, man!\r\n\r\nGood luck, man.'

LegacyUser

op here.. i go out but feel disconnected from the group. Im shy certainly but talking in a small group Im fine. I dont expect a relationship everytime I go out. I simply want to talk to other people and have a laugh and if they are women then even better. but it never happens, I must send out the wrong signals. that im not open to conversation. their has been women i have liked but i suppose my selfesteem is too low to do anything about it. I think the advice about not thinking about it and just relaxing is right. i do go out but not very often as all my mates have partners or wives. I take part in things but it has never lead to anything else. going out and waiting for it to happen doesnt seem like the right thing for me but maybe im being impatient. I need to change it somehow though

bronte

take this from a girl!!

we are human , start off like you're talking to one of your mates...strike up a conversation...and try and mention your hobbies and interests.. or your work etc..
Be yourself and don't even think about what's going to happen in the future.
Just think of it as getting to know someone on a social level first.

Girls tend to shy away if they think there's too much pressure.

you'll gain experience and be more confident from then on.

Kell

unregposter wrote:

but i suppose my selfesteem is too low to do anything about it.

Like I said, you probably stand there making excuses that your not good enough for her and what would she want to be with you for. Yes?

Why is your self esteem in the toilet? If you dont work this out and do something about it, then the *wimmin problem will persist. In fact, women should be the least of your worries.

Now- its Tuesday. Please report back that you have five dates set up for the weekend all secured by simply asking the next woman you engage in conversation with to go for a pint.

bhut wrote:

Good advice Kells.

And its Kell. Kells is a place in Meath. Kell is my small, recently departed, quadroped best friend.

K-

*Courtesy of our long absent colleague Typedef. All rights reserved

miamee

OP first of all I completely empathise with you having been a very 'late starter' myself, it's very hard to take the first few steps towards any kind of intimacy when you have been so used to avoiding it.

If you are as fed up as you say you are, you should do something about it. Nothing drastic or anything but sometimes you have to push yourself past your comfort zones to get where you want to be. Maybe as someone has suggested you should make a point of getting chatting to a girl you like or asking her out for a drink or whatever but do it sooner rather than later (maybe 5 dates by Friday is pushing it )
I reached the point you are at and then thought well if I want something I'll have to go & get it myself cos you can be damn sure no one else is gonna do it for me! And that's what I did and I'm very glad I did.

You may be a late starter, but it's sooo much fun making up for lost time

If you wanna chat PM me