Sister relying on me to get her out of money jams

LegacyUser

Hi this will be long

My sisters 27-Engaged with 2 girls-Her Fiance works in the army and brings home a decent pay packet but he spends it on crap-He goes out playing Darts and Poker-Goes Cinema and Spends weekends with his Family in another county!Fair enough if he was single but he has 2 girls to feed!!

My sister works too but its in a pub and she has to pay a babysitter.If my sis is stuck she gets loans off moneylenders etc and sometimes from me-She was stuck to pay the car tax a few months ago so i said she could get a loan on my book and she couldnt thank me enough.She gives me the money to pay it off each week!!I was just happy to help.

Then around July she badly needed 400euro cos she was behind on the rent-So i dipped into my savings to give it to her. Then in October she needed money to Put away some toys for the girls for xmas(she starts early)So i gave her a loan of 100euro.Then a few weeks ago she had to get a few new school books for the girls so i gave her another 100euro!

Only prob is now that shes text me and said what with xmas and all that she cant afford to pay me every week and can i pay it off for her and every month she will give me what i paid!She already owes me 200euro and now she wants me to pay off her loan.Honestly i can afford to (we have our xmas stuff paid for etc)but why should I?My partner and I work really hard for our money and we like to save about 100 so each week just to have it!I love my sister but Im sick of having to get her outta Jams.

If her Fiance didnt spend his pay packet on new laptops(Got one last week) and Sky tv(Which he doesnt need)And drinking sessions with the boys they would be grand-But she said she doesnt want him to have to limit his fun-He has 2 kids for christs sake-I donno what to say-Like I said I can afford it-But next week it will be something else!

I donno what to do-I know its her prob but Shes my best friend as well as my sister and I love her to bits- and I adore my Nieces and spoil them when I can!I was thinking of just paying her loans myself and she will be ok but I will be majorly out of pocket and My Fiance went crazy when I mentioned it-Said its not my problem!

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh btw please dont say "Tel her to talk to her Fiance" Cos she wont!
I already said It to her!!!

Beruthiel

sisterrelying wrote:

Oh btw please dont say "Tel her to talk to her Fiance" Cos she wont!
I already said It to her!!!

Too bad, that's exactly what she MUST do.
She's an adult not a kid and if she's old enough to have two children then she's old enough to take some responsiblilty for herself and her partner.
The father of these kids needs to know what's going on and how he should be spending his money. It's called budgeting, we all have to do it.

You are a fool for giving her money, she will never sort this out properly while you are there to fall back on. You help enable this behaviour.
Stop giving the money now, tell her it's over, tell her she is old enough to take care of her own finances.

LegacyUser

There was a few times i had to-I couldnt leave the kids with no books and she had to pay the tax on the car-Its my nieces im thinking of-She cant get them to school with no car.If she didnt have the kids i wouldnt give her it!!

LegacyUser

hi there,

I basically had the same problem as you with my boyfriend a few months back (and I posted here looking for advice at the time).

It started off grand - if he needed a dig out, id give it to him. But I became increasingly annoyed with him for asking me. He earns more than me, but I manage money better and have savings.

As much as I loved him, I had to put my foot down for my sake and the relationships. It was my money and my savings that I had to dig into.

He seemed to get into a bad habit that shur if he didnt have enough that he could come to me.

I told him straight that under no circumstance was he to ask me for money again. that I wasnt having it. That I didnt feel good having to bail him out all the time.

I told him however that I would help if he needed help budgeting/managing money. He hasnt asked me for a cent since.

Sometimes youve got to be cruel to be kind. The fiance needs to be spoken to, either by her or you. Why I am saying you is that you have now become involved in this problem, so i think you have every right to say something.

If they say "butt-out" make the point that "butt-out" is a 2 way thing and means they butt out of your money.

Beruthiel

sisterrelying wrote:

There was a few times i had to-I couldnt leave the kids with no books and she had to pay the tax on the car-Its my nieces im thinking of-She cant get them to school with no car.

That doesn't cut it with me.
Your sister works.
Her partner works.
They, and only they, are responsible for their two kids, they have the money to do so.
They need to learn to BUDGET their money.
While you keep giving her money, this will never happen.

Now you came on here asking how to sort this out, it's as simple and as harsh as I've stated above.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

That doesn't cut it with me.
Your sister works.
Her partner works.
They, and only they, are responsible for their two kids, they have the money to do so.
They need to learn to BUDGET their money.
While you keep giving her money, this will never happen.

Now you came on here asking how to sort this out, it's as simple and as harsh as I've stated above.

ok fair enough but like I said i dont want my nieces to go without!

tbh

sisterrelying wrote:

Oh btw please dont say "Tel her to talk to her Fiance" Cos she wont!
I already said It to her!!!

Why would she? It's easier to get money off you than talk to her Fiance. Next time, just say no - and force her to talk to him.

LegacyUser

'

ok fair enough but like I said i dont want my nieces to go without!

With both parents working, they shouldn't need someone else to do it for them.'

Faith

Aye, tbh is right. If I need money, I ask my mum because she more willingly parts with her money. But if she said no, ask your dad, I'd rethink whether I really needed the money in the first place, because he's more difficult to get money from.

You need to start saying no.

LegacyUser

What sort of a tool is that fella of hers ?
He's the one that needs to fix this !

Marksie

sisterrelying wrote:

ok fair enough but like I said i dont want my nieces to go without!

You are being used as a soft touch. Sister or no sister.
Beruthiel is absolutely right...

YOU shouldnt have to be helping the nieces out on books and car tax (a spurious excuse)!..not while said B/friend effectively P**** it up against the wall.

So two simple remedies:
1) say no you havent got it
2) Keep paying and being the sap.

Your Fiance is absolutely right, listen to him.
It is up to youir sister to sort it with her fella.

thebman

sisterrelying wrote:

If her Fiance didnt spend his pay packet on new laptops(Got one last week) and Sky tv(Which he doesnt need)And drinking sessions with the boys they would be grand-But she said she doesnt want him to have to limit his fun-He has 2 kids for christs sake-I donno what to say-Like I said I can afford it-But next week it will be something else!

"she said she doesnt want him to have to limit his fun"

So your going to pay to fund her boyfriends lifestyle? It is obvious that he needs to learn how to manage money better if he's living outside his means and they are ending up in debt because of it.

She needs to realise that he has a problem managing money if he has bills to pay and buys a new laptop and keeps going for drinking sessions. Its illogical. He can't spend what he doesn't have or what he needs to pay the bills. He hasn't learned his lesson (maybe because you keep bailing them out).

Basically it seems like your paying for their essentials so they can spend their money on entertaining themselves. Your being too obliging and need to stop being so helpful to them as they seem to be taking advantage of you wanting to be a nice person and do the right thing. The real right thing is to stop with the temporary fixes of loaning them money and work on a permanent solution which in this case would be them altering their spending habits.

If nothing else you should show her this thread so she can see what people that don't know her think of the situation (although you'd have to decide if you posting this even anonymously would piss her off). Also might try a not so subtle hint like a book on how to manage your finances or whatever for Xmas.

embee

Hi OP,

I'm afraid you've got to learn to say no.

The more often you give her handouts, the more often she'll come looking for them. She isn't in financial trouble - she's just bad with money. I was TERRIBLE with money until I had a baby.. I just had to get my priorities in order and your sister does too. Two kids I'm sure are expensive to look after but its not like she's on her own. She has her fiancee! And that line about how she doesn't want to "limit his fun" - thats pure bull. They have CHILDREN. They are the priority here. I've curtailed my social life and the money I spend on frivolities. Every other parent does the same, especially when the kids are young. Today, I bought myself two tops - the first time I'd bought myself new clothes in about 5 months!! And even at that, I have to account for every penny and justify it to myself.

If she is falling behind on rent, car tax, loan repayments etc, then perhaps she could go and talk to her credit union/bank and try to re-arrange the payments. I did that because I wasn't managing. I just extended the term of my loan and cut my repayments in half. She should question how much she needs a car - they are expensive things, with insurance, tax, petrol, servicing etc. If her fiancee is in the Army and is on a good wage, I can't understand how his wages aren't covering the rent. She works in a pub too to make a few bob... perhaps you could offer to babysit from time to time when she goes to work so that she doesn't have to pay a babysitter? That way, she'll have more money and less excuses.

Overheal

First Impressions: if she isnt gonna talk to him, somebody does. You and a couple of your family members, should go over to his family and have some discussion on the matter, your sister in hand. This new laptop crap is completely off the wall.
It sounds to me hes about as mature as a 19yr old: being one, I can tell you if I had lots of money and a family I would probably be akin to something similar..but in fairness, I wouldn't have gotten into the kid-thing untill I was well ready for it /=/

Being fair to her fiancee, whats his side of the story?

It sounds as if both of them need a lesson in responsibility...and maybe some AA meetings, and a few urine samples (money to blow? Its probably "blow")

Either way, you cant disclude the idea that there may be a sympathetic ear in his own family. Id go try to find it, and let them help on their end.

Beruthiel

sisterrelying wrote:

ok fair enough but like I said i dont want my nieces to go without!

This is their mothers job, it's time she started taking responsiblity for them. It's not your job to do so.

Honestly, I've never heard such childish behaviour, how someone can be engaged to a man she cannot even talk about something as basic as finances is beyond me.

gandalf

They have to take responsibility for their budget. I'm single and I budget myself. If I cannot afford it I do not buy it. I really do not understand her saying she doesn't want to limit her partners fun, I thought part of being in a relationship was making certain sacrifices, especially where your children are involved. It almost sounds like she is scared to confront him because she is grateful they are engaged, that doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

You need to politely stop giving her dig outs and allow them sort their own finances out. All your help is doing to to extend the problem and delay them confronting this issue.

Mighty_Mouse

Is this a joke? This must me a joke?

There was a few times i had to-I couldnt leave the kids with no books and she had to pay the tax on the car-Its my nieces im thinking of-She cant get them to school with no car.If she didnt have the kids i wouldnt give her it!!

What a load of crap. You're not their parent! I presume you don't have kids of your own because it would be even more difficult to justify.

You need to talk to her. Tell her you can't afford it. I promise the more you give her the more she will get into debt.

She needs to take responsibility for her own life. I mean write off the loans to date as a gesture and tell her she is on her own from here on out. Not one more cent.

Sure buy the kids half decent christmas presents from you.

Black Swan

Be honest with your sister and tell her you have financial probs too. Her hubby needs to stand up and carry his responsibility...

Sangre

sisterrelying wrote:

ok fair enough but like I said i dont want my nieces to go without!

They won't be going without, it will be the boyfriend that will.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Be honest with your sister and tell her you have financial probs too. Her hubby needs to stand up and carry his responsibility...

Be honest to your sisiter and lie about your financial situation? What?