Noone likes her!

LegacyUser

Right, my best friend 'dirk' and i have been best friends since we were 10 (im 23 now). We've done everything together as mates ranging from being in the same football team, going to gigs, drinking, hanging out, playing music - EVERYTHING!

4 or so years ago dirk met jenny. I've known jenny for a while, she was at a couple of parties i was at and she hung out in some places i did... She wasnt really a friend, just was just always... there.

Now, dirk wont say this, but Jen has a nack for not letting him do anything. Hes not allowed to go out to a pub without her, he has to ask her permission to hang out with me. When she goes out without him, she calls him at 4am, so he will get in his car and pick her up from town. When there is a party at dirks, most of the people in the party have left and its down to the tighter group of friends, jen sits on the sofa, huffs and puffs, then starts pretending to fall asleep, then tuts her face off till dirk notices her - to which when he asks her if she wants to go to bed, she insists he comes up and kicks everyone out.

Another occation which really got the brunt of me was when dirk was offered a fully paid holliday by a mutual friend of ours to which jen wouldnt let him go, simply because the place where we were going she wanted to keep as their place... (lets say new york).

Now, im not saying dirk is perfect. Hes done the dirt on her 3 times now. I know for a fact, dirk has never really had a serious GF before other than jen so i think that the reason he is staying with her is because he doesnt know any better.

What should i tell the chap? I really hate her, i mean, i hate her with a passion. She has ruined dirk, and is making him do stuff that he doesnt want to do. He cant hang out with his friends, when they go out its with her friends. Her friends dont even call her to go out, they call him. Noone likes her!

Would it be so bad if i advised him to break up with her? Theres never a good time to say it, and its not really any of my business (or is it?).

Its gone on too long now, and it needs to be sorted out.

shes such a bitch.

hunnymonster

It's Dirk's call. He could be perfectly happy with her. If this was the case he shouldn't have done the dirt but wither way, it's not your decision unless he asks you to be involved.

secret_squirrel

Keep your mouth shut.

If you are a true friend just button it until you're called upon to go around an pick up the pieces when the relationship has run its course.

Consider telling him how you feel about her if he starts mentioning marriage.

Thrill

If dirk really likes this girl and you go telling him you think shes a bitch then your friend could turn against you. I have always heard that it is best to keep your nose out of other peoples relationships unless asked, and even then you have to be careful.

monkey tennis

Are you his mother?

If not, then accept that he's an adult and is with this girl out of his own choice. You say she doesn't 'let' him do anything - how does she stop him? Does she physically chain him to the radiator? If not, then again, it's his own choice.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Does she know he's been having it on the side, too? If not, I'd question the happiness. If so, you can understand her not wanting to let him out of her sight.

Have a quiet word with the friend: is he happy? what is he looking for (my money's on security - especailly if he;s been caught)? Is this girl providing it for him? If so, you can't really do anything but step back.

spinandscribble

some ppl like being controlled. maybe dirks one of them. i know its crazy but some ppl are like this. the best you can do is the next time she acts like a bitch ask him how it makes him feel and does it bother him. if it does suggest he deal with it. dont go at him outa nowhere to blast him about his gf

Catari Jaguar

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

Thrill

Lil Kitten wrote:

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

Id think carefully before stooping this low. It could still get back to him that you started this rumor. Then you'd have an enemy instead of a friend.

I was just wondering if you were just a little bit jealous of the amount of time he spends with her that he used to spend with you. After all, you've been friends for over half your life and it cant be easy coming second fiddle to his gf.
Even if he does break it off with this girl, he will eventually end up with another and the result will be the same, he'll spend more time with her than you.

LundiMardi

Lil Kitten wrote:

Anonymously let her know he cheated on her. She might dump Dirk. Then he'd be free to play with his friends. Problem solved. Only if youreally want to do that tho...

jesus.... i've never noticed you on boards until today, where i came across a few of your posts on this forum. This sums them all up.

Catari Jaguar

It was partly sarky. thought i'd get given out to for being unhelpful n cheeky tbh! He is cheating on her, and she should know though. Sums me up eh? Ok. Thanks

Catari Jaguar

thrill wrote:

Id think carefully before stooping this low. It could still get back to him that you started this rumor. Then you'd have an enemy instead of a friend.

Eh... It's not a rumour

Thrill

Lil Kitten wrote:

Eh... It's not a rumour

Thats right. He did cheat on her, which makes him a rat, but i still think your suggestion is a pretty vile and low way to go about solving the OP'S problem.
He's the one looking for advice and imo he should let his friend live his life the way he wants to and get on with his own.
It just seems to me that their days of hanging out together are coming to an end, that Dirk is more interested in spending more time with his gf than hanging around with the lad's.

Catari Jaguar

URRGGHHH! wrote:

I really hate her, i mean, i hate her with a passion. She has ruined dirk, and is making him do stuff that he doesnt want to do. He cant hang out with his friends, when they go out its with her friends. Her friends dont even call her to go out, they call him. Noone likes her!

Would it be so bad if i advised him to break up with her? Theres never a good time to say it, and its not really any of my business (or is it?).

Its gone on too long now, and it needs to be sorted out.

shes such a bitch.

OP wants her out... doesn't seem to mind how. It was a comment made in jest really cos i think he's being a bit childish. but if he's the type to do that I won't judge.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Diver79

OK Chap, here my two cents.

I was in a relationship once where my ex tried to control everything I did, from who I was friends with to where I could go. It used to drive me crazy, eventually I gave in because I thought I was in love and didnt have the energy for the arguements.

She took a real disliking to my best friend who told me to dump her. He told me some home truths about her, and foolishly some lies. I ended up siding with my ex and alienating my friends.

Eventually I got shot of her, which is probably what your mate will do too. Dont intervene on this one. Let him know you think he is under the thumb but dont tell him to dump her. Last thing you want is a 'them against us' situation.

LegacyUser

'Every time they have an arguement im there for him - i never let on that i hate jen, but i do say 'thats not on, you shouldnt settle for that'.

secret_squirrel - In a long winded conversation about relationships he said 'jens the best, id definitly marry her'. Which really got me worried and that was over a year ago.

monkey tennis - chaining him to the radiator... you never know what goes on behind closed doors, i wouldnt put it past her. As far as me being his mother goes, im not far off. Hes my best friend and im always there for him, i drop anything to be there to help him out and he knows this. My gf even understands that if he has a problem and we are together that im going to his house to help him out. That wouldnt be the case if the roles were switched as she would go nuts. A gf doesnt control you, only guids you in the right direction, not the direction that suits them. GF's should be understanding, not ignorant.

Ikky Poo2 - how and when?

spinandscribble - honestly, when theres an arguement i cant say i've ever asked him how he felt about it... I mean, im there, he tells me the details, and we talk about it, but i've never been that direct. Ill try that - or should i? And yea, i dont think he likes being controlled, i think hes just scared of losing a GF and not getting that close to someone again.

Lil Kitten - she deserves everything she got. Im sorry if you have had that experience, but shes no good and these 'mishaps' should be signs to her to say 'dump him'. The way i see it is that hes to scared to break up with her, so hes giving her reasons to break it off. if it were the other way around he would accept it. Shes too dependant on him, and would have no life without him.

Diver79 - true.

The bottom line is, i cant really see anything i say to him coming between us as friends. I know whole heartly that he values my friendship as much as i do his.'

Sony

Its not your call mate, you really just have to accept whats going on...whatever way you look at it theres no way you can tell your mate his girlfriends a bitch without jeaopradising your friendship-dont underestimate how strongly he feels about her,shes now one of his best friends too.

His g/f clearly sounds like a wagon like you said but I suppose you can only wait until something happens between them and he asks your advice

dudara

To put it succintly, this is really none of your business. You don't see both sides of the story and you don't truly know what's going on in their relationship. This girl might feel neglected by the amount of time that he spends with his friends and this is her way of dealing with it. We simply don't know and therefore shouldn't judge.

Be supportive of your friend, but don't go sticking your oar in where it might not be wanted.

nobodythere

As above but I'd also like to add that as she pulls this crap you should let it be known...

Kold

If it were me, I'd wait til we were smoking or drinking, having an intimate chat with him, one on one. Ask him is he happy with how he's living, ask him if he thinks she's the one. Listen to him and be honest but you need to admit that you don't know her that well. You don't see what he sees in her and then he should be able to tell you what he sees in her. Respect his wishes, you have no right to try and tear them apart, but he should respect you for being so concerned.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

[QUOTE=URRGGHHHH!
Ikky Poo2 - how and when?

[/QUOTE]


Any time neither of you have been drinking, get him out of earshot of gf (not nessecarily out of sight) and say something along the lines of:

"Listen, I'm just wondering if everything's ok between you and x? Maybe I could be wrong, but you don't seem all that cool with her [insert present day lingo as required] and you're not as much craic as you used to be... you missed x event and whatever. You sure you're happy?"

Whatever he says, accept it and tell him that, no matter how it pans out, you'll always be his mate and you're just looking out for him.

Hope that helps,

Ip.

edit - I think you should also make it clear that you're acting out of concern for your mate and not hatred for his girlfriend,.

LegacyUser

'i understand its not my position to tell him anything about his relationship and i give my 2 cents when its asked!

'This girl might feel neglected by the amount of time that he spends with his friends and this is her way of dealing with it. We simply don't know and therefore shouldn't judge.'

The chap gets about 5 hours a week(an evening) to hang out with his friends, and thats because shes in work!

grasshopa - i do let it be known, and dirk says 'yea i know' to every point i put across.

They fight all the time over everything and anything and its been like this for 2 years now. hes not happy, but i cant tell him that.

Kold - we smoke every time we hang out, and theres too much to talk about other than his relationship, i only get 5 hours a week with him, and i try to keep it upbeat so he knows theres always stuff to do when shes not around. I would take the conversation down that road, but its a hard road to get on.

Ikky Poo2 - good idea, but i wouldnt be 'acting' the concern. It really does worry me that he will end up with such a sponge. (she is a sponge).'

abetarrush

Guys need to be around their mates a lot, and most girlfriends are always just so selfish, and tell their bf what to do

I do what I want to do, and if a woman ever attempted to TELL me what to do I'd show her the door

Hes not her son, he's a grown man. She's treatin him like a kid and she shouldnt be

So, go ahead I say, talk to him! But dont jus say SHES A BICTH! Just ask him is he happy that he doesnt see as much as his mates as he used to / would like to

Everyones tellin you to mind your own business. If ur a good mate, you should be lookin out for him, i bet ye anything hes not 100% happy

greenkittie

The way she treats him sounds like the way my ex treated me. I know now all my friends could see it but i couldn't and i really really wish one of them had said something to me.

Kold

Surely you've told him to put the foot down? I mean, I don't get to see that much of my mates these days due to long college and work hours and a long term girlfriend but she understands that at least one day a week, I need to be away from her and out with my best mates. Tell him that you are his mate for life but he really needs to make the effort on his part.

She should understand this is he makes it crystal clear to her that it's what he needs. If she doesn't, then you're right, she's an absolute trollop and you should let him know -maybe thoughtfully worded- that he's turned into her bitch.

Ickle Magoo

A controlling partner can only control if they are allowed to. If 'Dirk' wasn't happy with the present arrangement then he could quite easily refuse to go along with any of the things you've said. She can't make him do anything - and that includes staying with her - he does it all off his own back. He has the choice to spend more time with his gf being controlled & not seeing you, or dumping her & spending all the time he wants with you - he has chosen to stay with her & spend less time with you, maybe you just need to accept that. I don't think you can do any more than you are already. He obviously isn't ready to end the relationship or change the axis of power...nothing else you, as an outsider to their relationship, can do but be there for your friend when/if it all goes pear-shaped...:(

greenkittie

Ickle Magoo wrote:

A controlling partner can only control if they are allowed to. If 'Dirk' wasn't happy with the present arrangement then he could quite easily refuse to go along with any of the things you've said. She can't make him do anything - and that includes staying with her - he does it all off his own back.

This is true to a certain extent, but once you get into a controled situation breaking free and saying no is actually a very difficult thing to do. Shes been controling him for so many years now that it would be extreamly hard for him to break the pattern without some kind of catalyst...

Ickle Magoo

greenkittie wrote:

This is true to a certain extent, but once you get into a controled situation breaking free and saying no is actually a very difficult thing to do. Shes been controling him for so many years now that it would be extreamly hard for him to break the pattern without some kind of catalyst...

I know what you mean but I think if "Dirk" thinks things are as bad as the OP suggests, and the OP has said he agrees with most of the issues then I can't see why "Dirk" wouldn't end things - unless he likes them that way or doesn't actually find it as bad as his friend does...4 years of gf/bf is not really that long tbh....after 15yrs of marriage & 4 kids later I could understand that walking may be hard.

If "Jenny" is making him do things he doesn't want to do & "Dirk" is utterly miserable then he has a very simple choice...that was my point.

Black Swan

It's his relationship, not yours. If you are his friend, you won't interfere. He could move on, if he wanted to. And he just may, given his record. You claim he cheated on her 3 times (and those are the ones you know about). Doesn't look like there's much of a future, so chill out, be a patient friend, and think in the long term?

Kell

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

If you are his friend, you won't interfere.

Some friend you are. Jeebus.

Having been through disasters in the past, I now listen to friends opinions. Saves a lot of time and hassle fúcking around with someone who is a pain in the rear.

K-

craichoe

Ah man, that won't last, don't worry about it, believe me, he is more than aware of this controlling crap. Make it apparent that you don't like her, just don't talk to her.

Depending on how long the relationship has been going on, i bet she'll turn around and say shes met someone else, the sooner he's shot of her the better.

If he's cheated on her it suggests he really aware of the problems in their relationship and the sex is crap.

Kell

craichoe wrote:

and the sex is crap.

Not necessarily. Lots of women/blokes have great sex with really hot partners and still get jollies elsewhere. Getting your jollies elsewhere is symptomatic of an underlying problem with the relationship not necessarily with the sex.

K-

Shelli

OK, here is the truth form the other side.

I was the controlling GF, I did all the things you said, I was totally over bearing and had my boyfriend under the thumb, totally, his mates said it, my mates said it, all jokingly of course, but the truth was it was exactly the way they joked about it. Sad, very sad. Looking back, I still dont know why I was like that, I wasn't happy, thats for sure, and the more he let me control things the worse I got. I only wish a friend of his had said something to him, (or a friend of mine to me for that matter), we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble and wasted time.

We could have both either decided what we had was worth working on and trying to bring it back to an equal relationship or decided that it was time to call it a day before it got any worse (which it did, and it will if nothing is said).

In the end I ended up resanting him and him me, and it took us a long time to even be civil to each other after the break up.

koneko

Could be two sides to this story. She sounds like a bitch but really you're not in the relationship so there could be more to it. Maybe she's acting like that because she knows he keeps cheating on her.

If an opportunity comes up (in the pub or wherever) to ask him if he's happy, then go for it, but at the end of the day there isn't much you can do to force her out of his life, it's his life after all and he might be happy. Just let him know you're interested in how things are going and that you can listen if he wants to talk, and support whatever decision he wants to make. Sometimes even when you tell people things... they won't listen, and have to realise it themselves before they'll change.

craichoe

Kell wrote:

Not necessarily. Lots of women/blokes have great sex with really hot partners and still get jollies elsewhere. Getting your jollies elsewhere is symptomatic of an underlying problem with the relationship not necessarily with the sex.

K-

Bollocks, If shes pretending to be tired and arsing off to bed that early and hes not even tired then the sex is crap, period

LundiMardi

craichoe wrote:

Bollocks, If shes pretending to be tired and arsing off to bed that early and hes not even tired then the sex is crap, period

You really seem to not have a clue, so please refrain from posting 'bollocks'.

Your Sincerely,
Me.

Trishy2

Hi

First of all, I would like to say I know how you feel and I think a lot of people do. In my experience (which isn't the definitive truth I guess) - don't say it. I am a girl who lived with 3 guys in a really cool house when I moved to Dublin first and one of them was going out with a really horrible girl. She sounds just like Jen - I'm even wondering is it the same girl you're talking about!

The rest of us in the house really hated her. She was demanding, she told him what to do, when to do it and who to do it with. She was jealous and possessive beyond reason. I used to get upset once in a while when we were out and drunk (my own issue) and he would try to help and one night I got very upset (I was going through a bad time) and he apologised and said unfortunately he couldn't help me as his 'Jen' had told him she didnt like that he did that for me and she wouldn't allow it anymore.

It was the last straw. I did tell him what I and the rest of us thought of her. I told him how she was controlling him and how she wasn't a nice person - I told him how horrible she was when he wasn't there. Me being the only girl, I bore the brunt of it. I had come to the end of my tether and felt it was the right thing to do - he was a good guy, we all felt the same, I felt I was justified in saying it to him and I was doing it for his benefit (as well as our sanity!!)

It didn't work.

In fact it made things worse. When you tell someone you don't like the person they are going out with, they will in my experience continue to see them almost 'to spite you' - or at least to prove you wrong. That's what happened in this case. We all had to move out cause we couldn't stick her any more. That was almost 2 years ago, and they are still together and 'happier' than ever.

In the end, if your friend wants to be with this girl then he will be, regardless of what you say (sadly, no matter how good a friend you are). I think what you have to do is support him. Otherwise, imagine if they do get married? He will be thinking always 'my best friend doesn't like the love of my life' and he will be loyal to her. If you value him as a friend, I think that unfortunately all you can do is stick by him. Try to highlight subtly to him the times that she is being unreasonable - without b!tching about her.

Sorry I have been rambling - I tend to do that! I hope this is some help to you. I know how you feel and it's so frustrating. But as his friend, you just have to respect any decisions he makes, stick by him and be there for him if things go wrong.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

'His relationship is his business, it's really not your place to get involved.

Though as someone observed, his behavior is his choice. If you feel he's neglecting your friendship, then I think you have an issue between him and you that you should raise with him. Just don't drag the girlfriend into it. If that's the real source of the problem, then he can draw his own conclusions.'

py2006

URRGGHHH! wrote:

Now, dirk wont say this, but Jen has a nack for not letting him do anything. Hes not allowed to go out to a pub without her, he has to ask her permission to hang out with me.

Why are so many women like this????

I know of four guys over the last 3-4 years who have had this trouble with the girlfriends. They can't see their mates, they can't stay out at night. They can only go out if she wants to go out etc.

I have a very good friend who is now married to one of these freak shows!

• She goes through is bank statements to see where he is spending money.
• He doesn't earn enough money for her.
• He is not allowed to socialise with his work colleagues.
• He has to tell his boss not to take on any more females for work experience.
• He must not sit in view of female work colleagues.
• As he is now married it is inappropriate to hang out with single friends.

I told him before he got married that she was an irrational, unreasonable, controlling b1tch! He almost agreed with me but went ahead and married the cow anyway!

But now I can see him starting to regret marrying this girl big time. The marriage will (Hopefully) end soon and I will get my friend back!

nobodythere

Why do you think he stays with her if you were to really examine it?

If it were a guy trying to put his woman on a leash like that she wouldn't tolerate it.

py2006

Actually what I forgot to say in my earlier post is that one of my BIGGEST regrets is not grabbing my friend and pulling him out of his house, away from that girl and screaming at him "DONT MARRY HER" and buying him a pint!

He is a stubborn fecker and may or may not have listened to me! I already told him but I was polite about it and he didn't listen!

The marriage is clearly not going to last and what makes it worse is that there is a baby on the way! So he will loose everything!

My point is say something and say it NOW! I don't believe this "if your a friend say nothing" crap! If your a good friend you will not want to see your friend abused (and thats what it is), hurt by this person.

Ickle Magoo

I think the OP should say anything he likes, I think he's fighting a loosing battle tho...

Rather than asking why there are so many controlling women, you could ask why there are so many weak men who obviously quite enjoy being controlled?

And all you guys dying to have your pals back to play with - what happens when you get g/fs/wives/families of your own? I don't know any happily married man or woman who WANTS to spend lots of time out with their pals when their main priority/ies & the people they love most in the world, are their new family. I agree some women are too controlling & some men are very weak but the bottom line is most people (unless they intend on being one of those bar-prop batchelors) move on into long-term relationships/marriage & old friendships will take a back seat...I think it's just a natural progression & everyone I know has, at some stage, been a singleton/bf/gf that's been a bit left behind as folks start moving in together or getting married or they have been that friend thats moved on to the next stage of life. *shrug*

I know a few guys who point at their partner & say they are not allowed to do X, Y or Z - or they let their friends think it's all down to the missus - rather than admitting they would actually prefer to go out with their partner or spend time at home than go out with their old pals...

craichoe

LundiMardi wrote:

You really seem to not have a clue, so please refrain from posting 'bollocks'.

Your Sincerely,
Me.

Nope, have a clue, and you have no idea of how much of a clue, the sex is crap.

Its also,

"Yours Sincerely"

Link for your convenience
http://www.englishlearner.com/tests/test.html

Nevyn

craichoe the next spammy off topic comment I see from you anywhere in PI you are getting a 1 months ban.

ferdi

i'm sorry, i know he's your friend, but dirk sounds like an idiot - she wont ' let' him go out without her?! jenny sounds like a wagon. tell him how you feel, you've been friends for 13 years+, if he cant handle the truth, well at least you can say you did what you thought was best for him/

py2006 wrote:

My point is say something and say it NOW! I don't believe this "if your a friend say nothing" crap! If your a good friend you will not want to see your friend abused (and thats what it is), hurt by this person.

quoted for truth