The battle of Trafalgar if it happened today

Oriel

Bit long, but worth it


Just before the Battle of Trafalgar, a conversation is
overheard on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability." "What kind of gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an
equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and
tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been
designated smoke-free work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.
Its part of the Government's policy on binge
drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better
get on with it... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot
speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the
greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without
delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to
provide a barrier-free environment for the
differently enabled."

Nelson: "Differently enabled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the
word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is
underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt
spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health
and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at
anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're
afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our
European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity
coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who
speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in
this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest;
it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

petes

Bit long and not worth it.