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REAL Help Desk Calls
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27-11-2006 4:22pm#1REAL Help Desk Calls
As reported by agents world wide... feel free to add your own!
******
This is a something that happened to me while working for Lexmark.
Customer: "I don't understand why my inkjet printer keeps printing blank pages."
Me: "Ok, did you remember to install the printer cartridge?"
Customer: "Yes, I put it inside the printer on the carrier thing."
Me: "Did you remove the tape from the bottom of the cartridge?"
Customer: "The tape with the blue flap? Yeah."
Me: "Yes. Ok, tell me what exactly you are doing to print."
Customer: "Well, I press this purple button on the printer, and the page comes out blank."
Me: "Well, sir, this is not the way to print. Let me show how we can do this and print a document or a picture. Let's go to your PC."
Customer: "What's that?"
Me: "Your PC -- your computer."
Customer: "What's that?"
Me: "The computer, the thing with the keyboard, the monitor, the PC."
Customer: "I don't have one of those."
Me: "???"
Customer: "..."
Me: "Excuse me, sir, you don't have a computer?"
Customer: "Nope."
Me: "Sir, why did you buy this printer?"
Customer: "Well, I went to Radio Shack, and I pressed this button, and it would print out pretty pictures."
******
I had been doing Tech Support for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"
******
Customer: I have a deskjet [printer] that I need to have repaired.
Tech Support: We make several deskjets, ma’am - do you know what model your is?
Customer: It’s a Hewlett-Packard!
Tech Support: Yes, I know... umm. Could you tell me if your desktjet is color or black and white?
Customer: Well,it’s beige.
******
Tech Support: Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Customer: Help!
Tech Support: What’s the problem sir?
Customer: My drive started making funny noises, so I put my finger in it to see what was wrong, and now I CAN’T GET IT OUT!
******
I work as a technical support representative for a reputed computer manufacturer. I had this customer call me up, and when he heard me all he said was "your computer s***ks,it is the worst computer that i ever had".
I asked him what the problem was and he said "I put the floppy into my floppy drive on my notebook and when i go into my computer folder i cannot find the floppy drive listed there".
I was quite confused. I tried all possible troubleshooting steps. For some reasons I couldnt find the model specifications. I searched for the model in google and found the specifications. It turned out that the notebook never had a floppy drive.
I asked him "Where exactly are you putting the floppy in? "
He said "I see this two slots to the left of the notebook and I had a tough time putting it in and to add to the difficulties i cannot remove it because it doesnt have an eject button"
I told him " You know something? You have put it in the PCI Card slot!!"
Then I heard nothing from the customer for 5 minutes and then he said "How do I remove it now?"
******
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: (?!%#$!) "Yes."
******
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'Start' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
******
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
******
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
******
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
******
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
******
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
******
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
******
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
******
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
******
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
******
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."
******
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
******
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
******
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
******
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
******
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?"
******
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
"Hi... Is this the Internet?"
******
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
******
Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."
******
Tech Support: "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
******
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
******
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't ! sound good; I'll make a note ."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
*******
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
******
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.
******
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
******
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
******
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
******
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
******
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
******
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
******
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:> \ and type 'dir'."
(Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.) Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?
******
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar. . ."
******
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
******
This actally happened and cost the tech support assistant his job.....
"Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant. May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen."
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah, a least he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he kicked out his monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[Pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[Muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[Still muffled] "I can't reach it."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[Clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
[A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I kept them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"
[Slam]0
Comments
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they are simply class how do you remember them?
Think my funniest was something like this.
Old Granny in Tesco:"Young lad where's the fabreze?"
Me: (alright I'm not going to correct her on her pronunciation) "there you go" (pointing to the febreze)
Old Granny: "No that's febreze, I want fabreze"
Me: (baffled) "eh, what's it for?"
Old woman:"you put it in the iron"
Me:"Is that it?" (pointing to vaporesse)
Old woman:"ah good lad!"0 -
Dan133269 wrote: they are simply class how do you remember them?
Longshot here. I'm guessing they were circulated in an email.0 -
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Bard wrote:Customer: "Hello, I've a problem with my computers tray."
Me: "It's tray, miss? What tray is that?"
Customer: "The coffee-cup holder tray. It's a very useful feature, but I can't get it to go away any more. The button to make it go away doesn't seem to work."
Me: "I assure you, miss, our PC's don't feature coffee-cup holders."
Customer: "Then what have I been putting my coffee cup on?"
Hehehehe!!! Well I believe it! I work in tech support for laser printers and yeah, we get out fair share of unbelievable calls.
The above calls were all taken from various emails and stuff, but I could probably fill a whole page of ones that happened to me. My worst one I got the first week in service and I will probably never forget:
Customer: My printer isn't working. It only prints blank pages, and I have to press the big button for even that to happen.
Me: Ok, are any of the lights on or bliking?
Customer: Yes, there's a light blinking. It has a little icon that's like a triangle with three dots in it.
Me: Ok, that's indicating that the toner is empty, which is why it's also printing blank pages. If you replace the toner cartridge it will work fine again.
Customer: Toner cartridge? What's that?
Me: You know, the colour casette in the printer?
Customer: But I have a LASER printer.
Me: *Ummm?!* Yes, I know that. If you just bought it it has a start toner that lasts for 500 pages but the next cartridge you buy will last you 6000 pages, so you will not have to change this often.
Customer: So I have to change the colour in the printer?!
Me: That's right.
Customer: But I bought a laser printer so I wouldn't have to worry about all that anymore!!!
As it turns out, the customer thought a laser printer uses a laser to actually burn the image into the page... more than 5 months on it still causes endless amusements here!!! 0 -
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jacQues wrote:"Does Firefox connect up to the same Internet as Internet Explorer?"
That has to be one of the best things I've heard in a while! 0 -
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Plug wrote:Old women: "where is the milk?"
Me: "fcuk off!"
Old women are the WORST shoppers though. I had one once that came up to me with a tube of KY-Jelly, asking if it was toothpaste, and for Valentine's day one that came up with furry handcuffs asking what they were for.
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....and there so untechnology advanced.carpenoctem wrote:Old women are the WORST shoppers though. I had one once that came up to me with a tube of KY-Jelly, asking if it was toothpaste, and for Valentine's day one that came up with furry handcuffs asking what they were for.
:rolleyes:
"with all your playuters and compstations"0 -
This happened when i was working in tech support for a ISP
Me: Good Afternoon, welcome to blah, blah
Customer: I have received a bill ££££££££££££££, im not paying as its rubbish service that doesn't work and it hads't since it was installed.
Me: Have you called tech support before?
Customer: NO, I want to cancel
ME: Terms and Conditions state blah, blah
Customer: I dont care i want to f**ing cancel, if it worked i wouldn't be calling.
Me: What modem or router have you got? What colour is the ADSL light?
Customer: Whats that? I dont have one of those
ME: The modem/router is small black box connected to your PC using USB/Ethernet.
Customer: I dont have one of those.
ME: You should have received one in the post in a small package
Customer: I did receive a package from BT but i haven't opened it yet?
Me: Why not?
Customer: Cause its probably more junk your trying to sell me.
ME: You need to connect that piece of equipment to your PC for BB to work
Customer: Stunned silence
ME: Siggering in the back round
Customer: Your a funny little f**ker
Me: excuse me?
Customer: Hung up the phone
There are loads, but id be here all day
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I work in corporate helpdesks and was coaching one of the agents when a call came in with another colleague.
I know this is a well known joke call that people get in spam mails but this actually happened when working for an investment bank.
Customer: When i open word i get all these error messages and cannot use it.
Agent: New updates were released last night and word needs to be opened from the start menu to install them.
Customer: Start Menu??
Agent: Do you see the Start icon on the bottom left of the monitor.
Customer: Yes.
Agent: Press It, Please.
Customer: Ok, Nothings Happening!!
Agent: ?? - You are pressing the start icon in the bottom left of the screen?
Customer: Yes!!!
Agent: Try it again.
Customer: Ok (At this point the agent can hear the sound of glass being struck)
Agent: Sir are you using the mouse to press the start icon on the bottom left of the windows desktop?
Customer: No?
The guy had been physically hitting the monitor to open the start menu. I know it sounds fake but it really did happen! We nearly died when the call ended. 0 -
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