She wrote me off!!

LegacyUser

This may be long!

My mother died when I was a baby. Was raised by a stepmother and when I was 3 I was given a little sister! I am 21 now and I love her to death-But I am a little disturbed about something that happened when I was a child!

After the birth of my sister I became withdrawn-Felt no one loved me cos she was around-Started hitting her-Pushing her-Hurting her any way I could! I feel terrible for it now cos she’s my baby-But back then all I could think of was "I’m not the baby anymore cos of you"

One day I was up in my back garden and I found my dads axe! I was only a kid so I decided to play with it. Started playing aeroplanes-Throwing it and seeing how far up the garden it would go! I was never allowed to play with daddy’s tools and it was fun. Unfortunately at that time my lil sis came up the garden to ask to borrow my teaset- and by the time I knew it she was on the ground with blood pumping out of her head!

All I remember was a hospital-Being told I nearly killed her-And being bundled off to a phycarist!! I didn’t try to hurt her-I didn’t see her until the axe was in the air and it was too late! Sounds psychotic playing with an axe I know!

Anyway I was so upset that everyone thought I had attacked her with an axe! I would sit in the physiatrists’ office and cry and tell her over and over I didn’t do it! She always said she believed me!

Then I just stopped going

Life went back to normal though I wasn’t allowed to be alone with my sister for a very long time! I recently asked my father why I had stopped going-He was drunk enough to answer so he said" The physiatrist said there was nothing more she could do-That you can’t be helped".

I can’t believe it-I remember in that office she NEVER asked me anything about me-We just played games and she asked about school and my friends but she never discussed what happened even though I cried about it! She would just nod and say "Let it all out" I can’t believe she wrote me off and told my family I couldn’t be helped when she NEVER even tried to talk about it!

I feel so lost! My family wrote me off and Im only finding that out now!!

And I know I’m going to get a pile of messages calling me a pyscho for playing with an axe in the first place but please remember I WAS A CHILD!!

LundiMardi

Holy ****... i would seriously look into that!! That's disgraceful...

How old were you when this happened? No matter what others think, it wasn't your fault, fair enough, throwing an axe around the garden is no smart thing to do, but who left the axe out to be thrown??? It's like leaving a loaded gun on the kitchen table in a house full of kids.

So, as i said, i would certainly go further with this, try and see if the psychiatrist(sp?) still practises, where etc...

Have you explained this to your family?

EKRIUQ

When kids play things happen, I'm sure if you were a threat they won'n't have let you near your sister. Maybe the physiatrists thought you were normal and there's not much they can do then! So there's no point in going back ( you are normal,,,right??)

LegacyUser

LundiMardi wrote:

Holy ****... i would seriously look into that!! That's disgraceful...

How old were you when this happened? No matter what others think, it wasn't your fault, fair enough, throwing an axe around the garden is no smart thing to do, but who left the axe out to be thrown??? It's like leaving a loaded gun on the kitchen table in a house full of kids.

So, as i said, i would certainly go further with this, try and see if the psychiatrist(sp?) still practises, where etc...

Have you explained this to your family?

i was 7- she was 4

my family are the kind of people they leave the past in the past

i dont wanna drag up old wounds

Carrigart Exile

icantbehelped wrote:

i was 7- she was 4

my family are the kind of people they leave the past in the past

i dont wanna drag up old wounds

Perhaps you are looking at this the wrong way. You cannot be helped might just have meant because there is nothing wrong with you. A trained psychiatrist would eventually arrive at that conclusion and admit you were no longer able to be helped by them because there is nothing wrong that they can fix.

Black Swan

Perhaps see your GP and get a referral to see a therapist? Hopefully you would get a good one. Seems that your feelings about the incident have not been fully resolved? Perhaps you could talk through them with someone that is qualified?

LegacyUser

i dont believe its the incident that is troubling you. you opened by saying your mum died when you were a baby, i think its an abandonment issue. first your mum now your therapist has lied and you feel all the old emotions coming back. well that's what i think anyway

The Sweeper

What age were you when you saw the psychiatrist and then stopped seeing them?

abetarrush

Well the fact that you started this thread shows ur not completely gone in the head
[keyword completely ]

Go back to that shrink and get a refund, or kick em in the face!

Good luck ye lil axe wielder ye

KdjaCL

icantbehelped wrote:

" The physiatrist said there was nothing more she could do-That you can’t be helped".

I WAS A CHILD!!

Have you considered it was an accident she did believe you and it was very true you couldnt be helped as there was nothing to help with?


kdjac

LundiMardi

I think another chat with your father is in order. You need clarification on what he actually said. Then you can make the decision on where to go from here.

DublinWriter

I cantbehelped, just a few points re your post.

First of all, your nick - 'icantbehelped'. You're starting from a position of extreme negativity in relation to your current situtation. Stop thinking 'icantbehelped' and start thinking 'iwanttobehelped'.

Secondly, perhaps you are using the axe incident as a focus/subsitute for other, more subtle things that happened later on in life? None of us are responsible for our actions aged 3, for christ sake I used to fling my own shit around at that age, now look at me...a totally responsible well-adjusted adult *twitch*

Thirdly, medical professionals, especially mental-health professionals. Most are basically as, if not more fucked up than you are when you present to them. One of my best friends comes from a well-known family of respected head-shrinkers in Cork, and to a person, they are completely dysfunctional human beings. Having worked in the pharmaceutical industry for a good few years myself I can honsetly back that up. Yet we look up to them as being the very font of knowledge itself. Suprise suprise, they don't hold all the answers.

Fourthly, aren't families wonderful? I'm in my mid-30's now and all the family secrets are starting to burst through and be openly discussed. It's basically 'all you know is wrong' time as when you're a kid the family unit, especially your own, seems to be forged out of cast iron, when in reality it's actually held together with spit and glue.

Lastly, I'd really start to communicate with your parents if I were you. They know the truth. It might be squrmingly embarrasing to kick-start the process, but for sure the end result will be the lifting of a ten-ton weight off your shoulders.

Wishing you luck.

leeroybrown

icantbehelped wrote:

Life went back to normal though I wasn’t allowed to be alone with my sister for a very long time! I recently asked my father why I had stopped going-He was drunk enough to answer so he said" The physiatrist said there was nothing more she could do-That you can’t be helped"

I'm with DublinWriter on this one. You're choosing the worst case interpretation of this. A psychiatric professional will come to the point where In their professional opinion there is nothing else they can accomplish through more sessions. The fact that your family's interpretation of this seems to be wrong is their (and unfortunately your) problem not hers. As for the methods used, I think that child psychiatry tends to take a more indirect approach but I can't comment any more as I'm far from an expert on it.

I'm not going to give you any advice about this other than you should very seriously consider the fact that your are putting yourself down over a possible mis-interpretation of a psychiatrist's finding that you were perfectly normal and that there was nothing else that could be done in sessions.

icantbehelped wrote:

And I know I’m going to get a pile of messages calling me a pyscho for playing with an axe in the first place but please remember I WAS A CHILD!!

No. It sounds like a normal accident. I played with knives, hammers, nails, axes, saws, etc when I was young. Loads of kids do.

the_syco

Lemme see. You hit your kid sister with an axe, and they sent you to a mind-f*cker. The mind-f*cker couldn't see anything wrong with you, or feels that you've surpressed the memory, so plays games with ye. Also, you going to the head-f*cker proberly helps to releive some anxiaty from your parents, thus you keep getting sent (they may equal you going there with success, or you being "fixed").

Just a thought.

humbert

I've a younger sister too and we never got along when we were younger and fought a lot but now we are the best of friends. Accidents happen and when we're kids we often don't grasp the consequences of our actions.

In the not too distant past I've met some postgraduate psychology students, they will be practising before too long and quite frankly it makes me a lot less surprised to hear of the incompetency of your psychologist. Psychologists are just people with some qualifications and like people in any other profession some are better than others.

Just be glad you're at a position in life to look back on it and realise that she was simply poor at her job.

LegacyUser

'I feel for you. Yes you were a child and yes accidents do happen. Is this "professional" still in practice? Could you go see her?? Find out what she said! I think your dad could have misunderstood her.'

Lust4Life

Yes, it's a crappy world we live in. Too many people put too much stock in Psychiatry these days. ADD and ADHD and all that crap. I think it's just a means to keep themselves in business.

What is important is that you know it was a child's mistake.
It wasn't done in malice. It was an error in judgement - kids are allowed to have those.

Your sis knows you love her. Take comfort in that and move forward.

sceptre

icantbehelped wrote:

And I know I’m going to get a pile of messages calling me a pyscho for playing with an axe in the first place but please remember I WAS A CHILD!!

When I was about five I was down Skibbereen way with my parents who were visiting friends of theirs. Now I've no idea what sort of games people used to play in rural Ireland before the advent of games consoles but as I remember, for some inexplicable reason a game the local kids were playing was to throw stones at each other. Now I couldn't hit a barn door at fifty paces these days and I doubt I could have done the same deliberately then but on my first try I hit the son of my parents' friends bang between the eyes with a pointy rock. Blood spewed everywhere and I was understandably a little appalled. I assume people were aware of what the kiddies were doing in the absence of a football. Either that or people didn't take children to shrinks in the early 80s. I suspect it's both.

I'd be a little more concerned by one of my cousins who delighted in climbing trees and breaking bird eggs every time he came to visit us in the country when he was young. These days he's a doctor up in Galway.

Kids do stupid things, it's pretty much their job. I once drove a screwdriver through my left hand by accident when I was about eight while banging holes in a thick shelf in the garden shed (I was holding the shelf with my other hand and missed). When I was very young I put my hands in the fire for some unfathomable reason. Even older, at sixteen i had the habit of jumping down stairs as people do. Except on one occasion I jumped while only half way down, banged my head off the upstairs landing, picked myself up and went into the kitchen to have my dinner whereupon I noticed the top of my forehead was dripping blood on to the plate. And to be honest, I was a pretty unadventurous kid. In other words, what you did was perfectly normal.

If it really bothers you, bring it up. It should be the kind of thing that you can just bring up with your family. If that isn't enough, talk to someone professional about it. As for the incident itself bothering you, it's a perfectly normal thing that had an unfortunate temporary consequence. The axe shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Beruthiel

icantbehelped wrote:

The physiatrist said there was nothing more she could do-That you can’t be helped

Every profession has it's share of idiots. If you meet one you can see them for what they are, look at this person in the same way.
In fairness, your parents would have gotten you another one if they felt the need was that strong.

I feel so lost! My family wrote me off and Im only finding that out now!!

Don't be so dramatic, your parents love you, they loved you enough to make the effort to help you, they brought you up in their household and did the best they could for you. You sound balanced now so they did a good enough job of it. They are human like yourself and they winged it as best they could. Do you disagree with any of that?

And I know I’m going to get a pile of messages calling me a pyscho for playing with an axe in the first place but please remember I WAS A CHILD!!

Are you aware that childrens brains are wired completely different to adults. Their thought processes are not the same, they do not know the difference between right and wrong, lying and truth are the same. Death is beyond their comprehension. As a child you acted out on a feeling with absolutely no idea of the consequences.
Now you know that this was an accident. You're parents do not and could not know. This is on your mind so talk to them and tell them all you remember with regards to this.

justsomebloke

ok you seem to talk about the things that happened in the past, but what about what is happening now in the present. Do you still feel like your family have given up on you or have they given up on you. What is your relationship with your sister like, is she scared to be around you now.
Kids do stupid things all the time so I wouldn't get to worked up about it, well unless you are still playing with axes then I would be a bit worried. Also in relation to what your father said you only know what the phycarist said from a drunk person. Did you ever ask him while sober what was actually said, cause chances out he was saying it out of context and what was really said " there is nothing more I can do - she can't be helped cause she is fine." She may have actually believed your story and that is why she had you talking about other stuff jsut to see if there was any underlying problems but couldn't find any.
Maybe now that you are old enough it is time to have a proper family talk about the past and what happened and see what your families true feelings are, it mighn't be what you want to hear but at least you will know where you atand

Catari Jaguar

How the heck did u manage to lift and throw an axe at that age?? I can barely lift one now!! Your parents should have never made you feel second best when your little sister came along. Responsibility lies with them. Talk to your dad about what happened. they can't seriously think you did it, and even if you did, God! You were a kid, who was obv not kept an eye on or made feel equal.

polly oliver

Thats an awful story. I can remember being jealous when my little brother was born. I also remember both of us doing awful things to each other including stabbing each other with pencils, strangeling each other and throwing nail varnish remover in each other's eyes (on seperate occasions). But hes one of my best friends now. My father always realised that we didn't mean to hurt each other, but my mother's childhood was pretty f**ked and she always over reacts, even to a normal shouting match. She is just convinced that any violence is going to escalate to the horrific level she remembers from her childhood. Every family is a little messed up.

LegacyUser

jsb wrote:

What is your relationship with your sister like, is she scared to be around you now.

our relationships brilliant now-We talk about everything and i love her to bits!She jokes about the axe sometimes and i joke back"Ya i couldnt get rid of you"

we are perfectly fine now

LegacyUser

Lil Kitten wrote:

How the heck did u manage to lift and throw an axe at that age?? I can barely lift one now!! .

It was one of those little ones

.[/QUOTE]
Your parents should have never made you feel second best when your little sister came along. .[/QUOTE]

My dad has his own business and my stepmum was busy helping him

[/QUOTE]Talk to your dad about what happened. they can't seriously think you did it, and even if you did, God! You were a kid, who was obv not kept an eye on or made feel equal.[/QUOTE]

I dont think he thinks i did it- but just to be sure he made sure my sis and i were not alone together for a while!My family doesnt talk about that stuff-But my older sis(6 years older than me)said when i was born she wanted to kill me out of jealously so i know now most kids hate ther siblings at first!

John Mason

icantbehelped wrote:

i was 7- she was 4

my family are the kind of people they leave the past in the past

i dont wanna drag up old wounds

well there you go - somethings are better left in the past rather then dragging them up - sure you havent tried to kill again have you - no so there is nothing wrong with just a different time - forget about it, everyone else seems to have

humanji

icantbehelped wrote:

our relationships brilliant now-We talk about everything and i love her to bits!She jokes about the axe sometimes and i joke back"Ya i couldnt get rid of you"

we are perfectly fine now

Well, IMO, this is what's important. You know you didn't mean it, and so does your sister. It was a nasty accident, but could have ended worse.

As for the psychiatrist, as was said before, it's quite likely that your dad simply phrased it badly, or understood it incorrectly. It's unlikely for someone in that profession to write off someone. Most likely, she realised that it was an accident. If you were really seen as a danger, you'd either of been doped up or locked up.