Girl at work - seriously attracted to her

LegacyUser

As the title says, I work with a girl who i find really attractive, intelligent and great fun and I think she fancies me cause I've been showing her 'extra' attention. The only trouble is i'm going out with a girl for over 3 years who i love and has all the same qualities although different in her own way.
Am I just infatuated with her?
Or is it a case that I am totally revelling in the attention from another very attractive and sweet girl?
She's the kind of girl that men love cause she is great crack although she is in no way a flirt. I know she has been single for some time now and in a way I feel sorry that she has no male company in her life.
Now, I'm an honest person and probably couldn't live with myself doing the dirt on GF so in a way i'm in a bit of a dillema because I also believe that you only get one crack at this life.
Our christmas party is coming up next Thursday nite and I know I'll find myself gravitating towards her all nite so it could be a little aukward (she knows I have a GF).

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do?

Caliden

The grass is always greener...

LegacyUser

Caliden wrote:

The grass is always greener...

I know but you want to see the way she looks at me. It'd make yer heart melt!! I just feel theres a total fatal attraction thing going on between us.

dr.bollocko

Man, you love your girlfriend. You can gravitate towards this girl all you want, but in the end, its still gonna just be a crush that comes and goes. Your gf has been there and been fantastic for 3 years. This girl is being built up in your head. She represents everything new, everything exciting, stuff that you cant hope to keep hold of with a gf of three years. But at the same time, I dont think that she could ever live up to what you are hoping she is. Regardless, you have a girlfriend. Its up to you to decide whether or not a shot in the dark is worth trading a 3 year relationship for.
I would suggest that it isnt.

Caryatnid

I was in a very similar position to you. The work person was extremely attractive, really nice person, fancied me too. So we kissed, I told my partner, and now almost a year later still can't sleep at night with the guilt. We broke up a few months later but I know it is my fault because I strayed when I had something good. Take from that what advice you want.

Placebo

i forbid you to go to that xmas party.

Caryatnid

Placebo wrote:

i forbid you to go to that xmas party.

That's really good advice.

LegacyUser

dr.bollocko wrote:

........ Its up to you to decide whether or not a shot in the dark is worth trading a 3 year relationship for.
I would suggest that it isnt.

I think, if it comes up somehow for discussion or if she had a few drinks and got a bit close that I might just go as far as telling her that i think she is a really nice girl, v attractive with a super personality and that I would love to have her as a GF if I were a single man but would I wouldn't be dishonest with my current GF etc , however, i would like to remain friends etc.

Ruu_Old

What happens if you decide to go out with this new girl and then someone else comes along that you take a fancy to? You have a girlfriend already and have been going out for a long time, its up to you at the end of the day though.

Mr. Presentable

unregdbn65 wrote:

great crack

Key phrase, I think. Three years is a long time to be with a girl, so maybe the spark isn't what it used to be.

You love your girlfriend. Then there's no problem; you'll be a good boy. Flirting is OK, makes you both feel nice. Keep it to that. you can't stop going out and believing you're not to be trusted. Trust yourself. Manage yourself. Remember your girlfriend and all the sh1t she has put up with from you.

Catari Jaguar

unregdbn65 wrote:

i think she is a really nice girl, v attractive with a super personality and that I would love to have her as a GF if I were a single man

Eh.. ok. So why are you still with your girlfriend? Who you "love" but didn't say "in love". is it in case this girl doesn't reciprocate and at least you'l still have your girlf, who obv isn't enough for you anymore. Don't keep her as a back up option when you want other people. like you said you won't cheat on your girlf, so that's basically the only reason you aren't hitting on other girl, cos you like to think you are a "decent" person. Well you're not. You fancy someone else to the point of wanting them over your girlf and that is bad.

Think of your girlf as being mad about someone and posting something like this. How does that make you feel?

Look, you WANT this other girl, be with her. End your relationship. Do your girlf a favour and allow her to have someone who feels the way about her as you do about this work girl. If you think that's crazy then stop thinking about other girl and realise and appreciate what you have.

Black Swan

unregdbn65 wrote:

Now, I'm an honest person and probably couldn't live with myself doing the dirt on GF so in a way i'm in a bit of a dillema because I also believe that you only get one crack at this life.

How many "cracks" will you need OP before you will feel comfortable settling down with a GF? If you seriously feel a dilemma about this, perhaps you should leave your current GF, cause if you really loved her, you would not be thinking this way.

Húrin

unregdbn65 wrote:

As the title says, I work with a girl who i find really attractive, intelligent and great fun and I think she fancies me cause I've been showing her 'extra' attention. The only trouble is i'm going out with a girl for over 3 years who i love and has all the same qualities although different in her own way.
Am I just infatuated with her?

Yes.

Don't cheat on your girlfriend; that's the bottom line.

LegacyUser

I take everyones point. Yes lil kitten i would be mad if she had feelings towards another man and posted on this site but just to explain myself; i guess i'm still trying to sound out my own feelings towards both my GF and being presented with another girl. i am in love with my girlfriend intensely so you may think it a cop out for me to say that i am attracted to this other girl. Most men i know flirt, chat up and admire other women but do not take it to the point where it is jeporadising a relationship , i.e. some act has occurred and trust has broken down.
On an aside note: is it possible to be in love with more than one women? I know that is a deep question but i think it is relevant.

LegacyUser

'Someone with the same conundrum with me, the difference is that the girl at college is bloody gorgeous and I feel myself feeling less attracted to my girl of 3 years.

It almost feels as if I'm cheating on my girlfriend by entertaining almost obsessive thoughts about this girl. We share a space and are actually always laughing, she's probably making my grades dip but I couldn't care less. We hang out with the same people in college and are never off eachother's backs with (infantile, yes I know) mocking eachother. Most of the people in college have clocked that I'm so into her but are unable to advise me either way.

It almost feels as if I get myself into college early just to spend time with this girl but I love my girlfriend and could never bring myself to do ANYTHING to hurt her. I can't say for sure if I feel less attracted, it's just we've been through so much **** lately that frankly she's been getting on my nerves but that's hardly something to throw away a 3 yr relationship over, is it?'

Catari Jaguar

So now do you think you are in love with work girl?!

Hagar

Placebo wrote:

i forbid you to go to that xmas party.

Best advice I've seen in a long time. Avoid the situation and you avoid the temptation.

The truth is you will run into interesting women all through your life, you can't just drop everything and run after every one of them. Appreciate the good woman you have.

Beruthiel

unregdbn65 wrote:

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do?

It's called self control.

chamlis

Read my sig.

"Never sh!t where you eat"

Whatever about you and your GF, getting involved with a work colleague is never a good idea. I've had to learn that lesson a few times (you'd think once would be enough :rolleyes:). So unless this work girl is marriage material in practical terms, forget about it.

Sure enjoy the flirting or whatever, but ffs don't let it happen. I wouldn't go to the xmas party either if I were you....

r3nu4l

OP, stay away from this situation. Do not tell her how you feel, if she approaches you to tell you how she feels, that's different but "telling her how you feel and saying that you want to be friends" is bullsh!t, what that really means is "I'll tell her how I feel in the hope that she will feel the same and perhaps this will spark us getting together that night".

If your relationship with your GF is not as it should be you should be thinking first about whether it can be made better or whether it's time to end it.

At least have the guts to end this relationship before getting with the work colleague. Are you prepared to do that? If not, stay away from your colleague or at least remain professional and stop giving her special attention, give her the same as the others.

On a side note, have you thought about how you look at work to your other colleagues? If they ahve noticed all the extra attention you are lavishing on this girl you may look at best unprofessional and at worst like a fawning sad sack!

Mighty_Mouse

I think, if it comes up somehow for discussion or if she had a few drinks and got a bit close that I might just go as far as

What type of crap is that? So you'll score her with half a chance you mean? If you're not gonna try it on then why have a dodgy conversation?

Either you go for it, shag her brains out and afterwards decide what you wanna do.
Or you drop it now ie you stop flirting and view this girl as you would a "male" mate. ie just a friend.

Also are you sure she's interested? You seem quite deep. I wonder if you're misreading signals. Or maybe ye just both feel comfortable given the fact you're unavailable?

I absolutely hate the guys who cheat on their girlfriends and then bury everyone in their own guilt and excuses. Grow a pair of balls if you're gonna be the type of bloke that cheats then you better be able to handle your own head afterwards.
Do it or don't thats the decision.

Don't "let it happen" and afterwards reach for the excuse book.

Stand over your decision either way, good or bad.

stifz

Take your girlfriend out for a meal on the night of the xmas party - re-establish the solid link you have shared for 3 years. Enjoy yourselves have a few bevies, hit a club and act the maggot and have a laugh! Have a night that you'll talk about for weeks to come. Anyone who stands by you in a close relationship for 3 years deserves a chance.

We can all nail the office hottie... Let it go mate and concentrate on the beautiful lady you've shared so much with. They are few and far to find so don't f**k it up.;)

stipey

I just feel theres a total fatal attraction thing going on between us.

If it really is a fatal attraction then I would run away now. Fatal means i"causing or capable of causing death".

:eek: :eek: :eek:

Catari Jaguar

SameProb wrote:

'Someone with the same conundrum with me, the difference is that the girl at college is bloody gorgeous and I feel myself feeling less attracted to my girl of 3 years.

It almost feels as if I'm cheating on my girlfriend by entertaining almost obsessive thoughts about this girl. We share a space and are actually always laughing, she's probably making my grades dip but I couldn't care less. We hang out with the same people in college and are never off eachother's backs with (infantile, yes I know) mocking eachother. Most of the people in college have clocked that I'm so into her but are unable to advise me either way.

It almost feels as if I get myself into college early just to spend time with this girl but I love my girlfriend and could never bring myself to do ANYTHING to hurt her. I can't say for sure if I feel less attracted, it's just we've been through so much **** lately that frankly she's been getting on my nerves but that's hardly something to throw away a 3 yr relationship over, is it?'

Oh god, I would be physically sick if my boyf thought that. That's awful. How can you harbour thoughts like that and say you'd never hurt her. If she found out she'd be devastated. You're flirting, obsessing, going to college to see this girl. And you think she's hotter than your girlf. Do you think she'd be hurt if she knew? Well just cos she doesn't know doesn't mean you should do it.

panda100

stifz wrote:

Take your girlfriend out for a meal on the night of the xmas party - re-establish the solid link you have shared for 3 years. Enjoy yourselves have a few bevies, hit a club and act the maggot and have a laugh! Have a night that you'll talk about for weeks to come. Anyone who stands by you in a close relationship for 3 years deserves a chance.
)

This is great advice.If you still have feelings for the other girl after the night of romance and fun with your girlfriend then you shouldnt be in a relationship with her anymore.

upthere

unregdbn65 wrote:

As the title says, I work with a girl who i find really attractive, intelligent and great fun and I think she fancies me cause I've been showing her 'extra' attention. The only trouble is i'm going out with a girl for over 3 years who i love and has all the same qualities although different in her own way.
Am I just infatuated with her?
Or is it a case that I am totally revelling in the attention from another very attractive and sweet girl?
She's the kind of girl that men love cause she is great crack although she is in no way a flirt. I know she has been single for some time now and in a way I feel sorry that she has no male company in her life.
Now, I'm an honest person and probably couldn't live with myself doing the dirt on GF so in a way i'm in a bit of a dillema because I also believe that you only get one crack at this life.
Our christmas party is coming up next Thursday nite and I know

I'll find myself gravitating towards her all

nite so it could be a little aukward (she knows I have a GF).

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so what did you do?

First of all if you just read your quote above and just read the bolded comments do they make sense?
Firs off all being great crack and attractive and sweet doesn't mean you'll be together forever in this "one crack in life" attitude. Why not 2 cracks, maybe 3 or even 4?
If she knows you like her from all this special attention, then why doesn't she find it awkward being around you in work when she knows you have a GF?
I would not get myself in the relationship mess in the first place, its like running up a credit card bill trying to save cash. IT's stupid!

Dors1976

I think you have to look at this from a different angle, what if you made a move on this girl and she doesn't feel the same, how awkward will work be then? or even if you ended up with her, work will become uncomfortable.

Never mix business with pleasure, my motto! - unless you're single!

upthere

Dors1976 wrote:

I think you have to look at this from a different angle, what if you made a move on this girl and she doesn't feel the same, how awkward will work be then? or even if you ended up with her, work will become uncomfortable.

Never mix business with pleasure, my motto! - unless you're single!

well said:)

LegacyUser

'

Lil Kitten wrote:

Oh god, I would be physically sick if my boyf thought that. That's awful. How can you harbour thoughts like that and say you'd never hurt her. If she found out she'd be devastated. You're flirting, obsessing, going to college to see this girl. And you think she's hotter than your girlf. Do you think she'd be hurt if she knew? Well just cos she doesn't know doesn't mean you should do it.

So you're saying that I should feel bad about my personal thoughts? I don't think she's hotter... I just feel far more attracted to her in my current state. I would never intentionally hurt this girl and I wouldn't cheat on her. I do love her and yes she would be hurt... devastated, which is why I won't say anything about this to her ever.

I suppose what my problem is that I'm letting my relationship be shaken in my head for a little bit of infatuation. Does that actually make me that bad of a person or is it natural that, we're not married and I should still have the right to be interested?'

Playboy

Lil Kitten wrote:

Oh god, I would be physically sick if my boyf thought that. That's awful. How can you harbour thoughts like that and say you'd never hurt her. If she found out she'd be devastated. You're flirting, obsessing, going to college to see this girl. And you think she's hotter than your girlf. Do you think she'd be hurt if she knew? Well just cos she doesn't know doesn't mean you should do it.

I'm sorry but you live in fantasy land and are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. People cant control their thoughts or the way the feel .. they have control over what they do with those thoughts and feelings and that is what trust is. Everybody fancies other people and finds other people attractive .. we are are wired that way. Maybe people dont find other people as attractive in the honeymoon period but give the realtionship a few years and both peoples eyes will start to wander. It takes hard work and commitment to make a realtionship work .. the grass will always seem greener and its tough to constantly resist temptation. But temptation imo is always easier to resist when both people in the realtionship acknowledge that temptaion is there. Dont fool yourself into thinking that your partner never lusts after other people because he does and so do you if you are honest with yourself.

The two guys on this thread are faced with dilemmas that all guys and girls are faced with .. we all flirt, think about other people, develop crushes etc. its normal and natural. You just have to realize that you have to stop chasing honeymoons at some point. The honeymoon period with the new girl will end too guys and what do you do then .. chase a new girl? Evaluate your relationship in terms of compatibility and friendship .. do you think that a relationship with the new girl will be stronger because you have more in common? If yes then move on .. you only live once .. if no then go have a **** and get over it. Avoid the girl and get it out of your mind.

Catari Jaguar

Yea, fair enough you want someone else, so end your relationship. It's selfish to shop around n keep your bf/gf as a back up. I wouldn't want to be second best. if my boyf had a crush on another girl I'd tell him to fcuk off and be with her. No point in staying together out of misguided loyalty. People change. Yes it is natural. But staying with someone while wanting another is not loyal.

To all you guys out there that feel that way, next time you're having sex or a nice romantic moment with your girlf, just think that she is wishing it was with X from the office/ college who she's secretly mad about and thinking about all the time. And you are the fool, who knows no better.

And to sameprob, how can you say you won't hurt her but deliberately flirt with this girl, hang out with her, go to college early to spend more time with her to allow yourself to get closer to her. If you loved your girlf you wouldn't be that selfish, but spending time with X girl is more important to you.

"It almost feels as if I'm cheating on my girlfriend by entertaining almost obsessive thoughts about this girl." Now, I can't say that you SHOULD feel bad or not, but it seems you've answered your own question...

Playboy

Lil Kitten wrote:

Yea, fair enough you want someone else, so end your relationship. It's selfish to shop around n keep your bf/gf as a back up. I wouldn't want to be second best. if my boyf had a crush on another girl I'd tell him to fcuk off and be with her. No point in staying together out of misguided loyalty. People change. Yes it is natural. But staying with someone while wanting another is not loyal.

To all you guys out there that feel that way, next time you're having sex or a nice romantic moment with your girlf, just think that she is wishing it was with X from the office/ college who she's secretly mad about and thinking about all the time. And you are the fool, who knows no better.

And to sameprob, how can you say you won't hurt her but deliberately flirt with this girl, hang out with her, go to college early to spend more time with her to allow yourself to get closer to her. If you loved your girlf you wouldn't be that selfish, but spending time with X girl is more important to you.

"It almost feels as if I'm cheating on my girlfriend by entertaining almost obsessive thoughts about this girl." Now, I can't say that you SHOULD feel bad or not, but it seems you've answered your own question...

You aint never gonna be happy. Guys will always want another girl at some stage. They cant help feeling that way but they dont do anything becuase they realize that they love you and its not worth it. Its got nothing to do with keeping someone as backup .. its about human biology. People dont just fancy their partner for them rest of their lives and no one else .. that is fantasy. People can spend their whole lives with someone else and not cheat though .. that is waht you should expect. Expect your partner to control their actions not their feelings.

Catari Jaguar

Playboy wrote:

Guys will always want another girl at some stage... its about human biology.

Yea, ALL people. pff...

So to you there's no difference between the average person thinking "hmm... that guy/girl is hot" and actually wanting to be with another person? Like the OPs that are obsessing over other girls they want as girlfriends instead??

Let's just leave it as you are completely missing my point.

Playboy

Lil Kitten wrote:

Yea, ALL people. pff...

So to you there's no difference between the average person thinking "hmm... that guy/girl is hot" and actually wanting to be with another person? Like the OPs that are obsessing over other girls they want as girlfriends instead??

Let's just leave it as you are completely missing my point.

Yes there is a difference between the two. But if you believe that over the course of a long term relationship that you or your boyfriend are not going to meet someone else who you happen to click with that you think you might want to be with then you are fooling yourself. You are always going to meet people that you fancy, click with, that makes you question your relationship. Thats why relationships are hard work .. you have to keep the other person interested and they you interested. If the realtionship starts to get boring or gets in a rut its very easy for people to leave and find new pastures if something else that is more exciting presents itself.

3greenrizla's

unregdbn65 wrote:

Now, I'm an honest person and probably couldn't live with myself doing the dirt on GF

Good to hear but, if this is true you have no dilema.

sorry, your options are;

A) split up with your girlfriend.

stay with your girlfriend.

also how many cracks would your GF give you with if she finds out you done the dirt?




p.s. I would go to the xmas party, watch what you drink & make sure nothing happens.

OP, forget it.

From what you are saying, all you are thinking about is banging this new girl - its male nature, every guy does it.

If you can honestly think (and not want to think) that you can have intimate and deep conversations with this girl all night, and think that she will support you through the sh%t times and put up with all your crap then go with it.

But if its just a fresh bang you want, go for a dirty weekend somewhere and try and kick start you relationship again.

Don't loose what you took for granted, cuz you will regret it later.

And don't skip the xmas party - thats just running away. If you can't control yourself you will only get in more trouble later.

Sam_irl

Think about something you would do impulsively before you do it on instinct, it makes things easier after a month.

Aoife-FM104

I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here.

OP has low self esteem. OP is getting attention from a female. This is making him feel good. OP is confusing attention with love.

OP, don't go to the Christmas party. Don't ruit your relationship unless you are certain this new girl is the one for you. Three year relationships are a lot more valuable than people realise.

LegacyUser

'I think you should follow your own advice,

"I think, if it comes up somehow for discussion or if she had a few drinks and got a bit close that I might just go as far as telling her that i think she is a really nice girl, v attractive...."

sounds like the most sensible approach, this other girl may have feelings for you, so let her know her place,

"that I would love to have her as a GF if I were a single man but would I wouldn't be dishonest with my current GF etc , however, i would like to remain friends etc"

if you believe she fancies you. So u save ur current relationship, & friendship with the work girl, and from losing both if u hurt either of them (especially, if its a fling, women are more emotionally involved), and you will consequently hurt urself, and lose out!
DONT CHEAT!!!!!!'

josephine20

If you're looking for someone to pat you on the back and say "we've all been there" you don't really deserve the sympathy. Don't try to be making yourself out to be a decent and honest person because you're not. Ok, you can't help your feelings but you can do something about your actions. But I don't get what you say about not wanting to hurt her and you love her and all that. There can't be that much love if you can stand to deceive her. If you want to try it on with the work girl, break up with your girlfriend. I'm in a long term relationship myself and I would be so mad to find out my boyfriend was having his cake and eating it too. I doubt she's in the relationship putting a lot of effort in just to have it thrown back in her face.

want2play

A bit of female attention and your off thinking you should ruin a 3 year relationship.
Your lucky to have a girlfriend as your obviously not very mature.

Awayyablaggard

Ok my friend, there are really only two choices here.

1. Put it all outta your mind (if that's possible) and try your best to see it as something that happens to everyone from time to time. If you can get distracted by this one then, like buses, another one will be along shortly - so where do you draw the line.

2. You stop the worrying and mental anguish and bite the bullet. Life is full of people walking around saying this like "I wonder if I had done that how it would have worked out". By the time you ask yourself that question it's all too late and this girl will have moved on naturally or gone to find someone else because you made no move.

There's no right and no wrong here - the only thing you have to deal with is your conscience. Yes, you may feel like a bast**d for a while and if your current gf finds out you have played away from home then she will most likely take a lot of time (if ever) to forgive you. But, in the long run, does all of that matter? This new girl may be a flash in the pan thing or, alternatively, may be the best thing that ever happened to you - there's just no way of knowing!

If it were me - can't honestly say as each situation and relationship is unique. However, I would be honest with myself and question my reasons for being with my current gf as your mind and emotions appear to be split 50/50...and that is not a good ratio! My gut feeling would be to move on and see where this possible relationship would take me/us. If it doesn't work then you've lost your old gf but ultimately that may well be on the cards anyway; if it does, then all is good.

You are right when you say that we only get one crack at this life so make the most of it. You will get over any guilt that comes about ending a relationship, but you owe it to yourself to be as happy as you can be.

Get in there!!

LegacyUser

'It is very possible to love two people at once, and its heartbreaking sometimes, so lay off the harsh criticism, cos it can easily happen to any1, without ever having had prior intentions it can happen, and you can be torn in two. Be easy on yourself, and don't dwell on it either, cos it will end up having an effect on yourself and maybe your relationships if you become frustrated with it.

Hope u figure it out for urself, nobody can really give advise unless they can see the situation in its totality and the dynamics of what's going on. Be sensible and keep it real'

LegacyUser

The grass is always greener on the other side,
But you'll never know till you get the ride