GF hates me drinking and wants to break up

LegacyUser

My girlfriend (whom I'm engaged to) has a big problem with drinking. She hates it and everytime I drink we have huge fights. I meet my friends about 2 - 3 times a month and have about 4 - 5 pints when I'm out with them. Our fights are getting really bad and it has all come to a head now. She doesn't want to be with me if I continue drinking. I am not abusive or anything like that when I drink. I know this all seems very unreasonable on her part (or does it?) but she comes from a country where drinking is not the norm, and certainly not drinking in the way Irish people do. I really love her and I don't know what to do. I don't want to choose alcohol over my wife to be but yet I can't bring myself to stop drinking totally. I drank when she met me but her anti-alcohol feelings are getting stronger over time.

Just looking to hear for some other people's opinions.

Thanks.

StormWarrior

hmmm this is a tough one. I think drinking with your mates 2-3 times a month is perfectly reasonable. Why does your girlfriend hate it so much? There must be some reason.

Kell

StormWarrior wrote:

hmmm this is a tough one. I think drinking with your mates 2-3 times a month is perfectly reasonable. Why does your girlfriend hate it so much? There must be some reason.

Agreed. OP there seems to be more of a reason behind this than just a dislike. What country is she from BTW? Is it a religious thing that she doesnt drink?

I mean, if you drank when she met you then the issue is hers not yours. I dont think you would be making a choice of your wife to be or drink more of a making a choice to stay with someone who accepts you for who you are or not.

K-

seamus

There has to be a reason why you have fights when you've been drinking. Do the fights start because you've been drinking and she's giving out to you, or do the fights start because the drink loosens your tongue?

That's really the biggest question here as I look at you situation. If, for example, a man was going out with a vegetarian girl, who starting telling him, "Become vegetarian or I'm leaving", I'd advise him to show her the door. The same thing here - if she's threatening to leave you, purely because she's anti-alcohol, then I'd show her the door.

Relationships are not about relenting to the other side, or making demands of the other side. They're about accepting the other person as they are and allowing them their personal foibles/tastes (even if you hate them). If one or either party in a relationship can't do this, then it has to end.

super_furry

Tough one. Personally, I wouldn't give in to her. If the situations is as your describe it she's being unreasonable and if she see's that she's able to bully and threaten you into changing, it could be the start of a slippery slope.

JC 2K3

http://www.goyk.com/text.asp?id=38

Seriously though, I wouldn't give in. I think you need to have a serious talk, if she refuses to compromise your relationship is going nowhere.

leeroybrown

The impression I get from your post that your girlfriend has a problem with you consuming any alcohol. Am I right in saying that? If that is the case and it's a dogmatic principle that she won't compromise on then you probably will either need to stop drinking or break up with her.

I can quite happily go for months without drinking alcohol but it doesn't mean that I would be willing to completely stop drinking alcohol to appease another person.

Boston

Maybe it's not the alcohol at all. Maybe it's the going out with your mates every other week. Is she the jealous type? Does she wonder what you're up to?

cast_iron

Yes, she is being unreasonable - completely unreasonable. It's Ireland, for God sake!

tinkerbell

I think that it's a bit odd that someone would go ballistic over drinking 5 pints about three times a month ... it's a bit too strange ... Maybe there's some other problem. Has she got trust issues and the like?

Boston

Hey, maybe just maybe, she doesn't like being around him when he's been drinking?

Drift

LiouVille wrote:

Hey, maybe just maybe, she doesn't like being around him when he's been drinking?

If this is the case and its only 3 nights a month then maybe he could stay over at a friends house the nights he goes out with him. That way she doesn't have to be around him when he's been drinking and there isn't a possiblity of an argument occuring.

Just read the OPs post and it doesn't say they're living together so maybe we're missing the point on this one.

Lorax

Tell her to get with the times or feck off back to her own country..

rediguana

It seems unreasonable alright. You can't discount her cultural background though. This isn't to say that you have to change. But you two do need to have a serious talk and discover (a) What exactly her issue is with what seems to be a moderate amount and low frequency of drinking, and (b) What you can both agree on. 2-3 big fights a month are too many.

She may well be jealous, as someone mentioned. It would be interesting to see if she had a problem with you consuming a few glasses of wine with her over dinner.

ferdi

seems ott to me, if she's going mad over this (something you've done since before you met) who knows what she'll start getting annoyed with next, be careful with this girl OP, thats all i'm saying.

Lou.m

I actually think it is just the alcohol, Ireland is one of the very few countries where it is socially acceptable for a man to drink more than two pints in a night. And mst other countries do not 'go out drinking' they have a drink with a meal. Saying you are going out just to drink is alcoholic talk in most countries.We as a country are not really the norm when it comes to drink. If she is not use to it it could be just that you need introduce her to the cultural side of it, expalin the role of the Irish pub in our society and that drinking is also about socialising, she may have a totally sleasy view of alcohol because that is what her country views it as. IN her country what you might drink may be considered unreasonable and someting that she did not expect to have to deal with and here she may be seen as the unreasonable one which is something you may not have expected to have had to deal with. Ask her how they treat alcohol in her country and how they drink it may give you a better understanding of her view.
Anyway talk to her about it.
If the rest of your relationship is good then it may not be her being controling otherwise she would try to control you in other ways and not just about alcohol.
Talk to her and the best of luck, maybe you can get her to loosen up!
I kind of know what it is like though i am a non drinker always have been. People do not believe i am Irish sometimes, just goes to show our reputation.
But it sounds like you are being moderate about alcohol so just talk it out.

DAVE_K

Is she muslim BTW? My wife is and for the most part doesn't drink - she's moderate enough about most things and can handle the alcohol side of things. Not all are like this though so if this is the case you need to start having serious thoughts about your future with her - a lot of compromises and agreements have to be made in this scenario. If she's not then I obviously don't know what I'm talking about.
I've given up drinking myself - i used to think that the missus was being a right harpie going on at me for going out drinking with the boys once a month. Thing was I was having cold beers at home most nights too!!!

Faith

Is that really all you drink?

If it is, then it seems a bit strange.

haunted-room

Do you start fights with her after drinking? Some people become aggresive after a few drinks. Maybe she fears that you will start going out drinking more often in the future?

masterK

If you really only have 4 or 5 pints and can handle them then she has no reason to complain, if on the other hand you have you're few beers and go home like a man possessed then that's another thing all together, only you really know.

Maybe she's had some bad alchohol related experiences at home.

Either way you need to decide if you want to have a few beers throughout your life or whether your willing to give it up for the girlfriend.

the_syco

Try doing an alcohol free evening, such as bowling, and see if she still goes mad. May be a control freak.

NADA

Maybe she lives by the Philosophy, "Once a loser, always a loser". Lol. No seriously you gotta ask what her problem is. That will help you solve it. You don't really seem to know yourself. Where is she from?

secret_squirrel

Lou.m wrote:

Ireland is one of the very few countries where it is socially acceptable for a man to drink more than two pints in a night.

Ahh come on now - In most of europe its socially acceptable to drink a couple of pints - even if its not the cultural norm. Its accepted as a Northern European thing to do.

OP : Either you drink more than you are claiming, or cant handle it and are an arse, or its your GF who has the problem. Tbh Im torn between the two.

Assuming you arent totally self deluded then you need to follow the advice of the multitude of posters here and have it out with your GF, and if she cant accept the drinkig, break off the engagement. If she is this controlling now - whats it going to be like after the wedding?

thebman

I think you need to find out what aspect of the drinking pisses her off.

If its just drinking in general that she hates with no real logical reason for hating that you drink (like you acting differently when drunk) then she needs to get over it.

If shes been fine with it up to now, why is it suddenly an issue?

cuppa

Tell her im going out for a few lines and gona drop a few E`s no drink just going to a rave ,,they might turn on the tap water ,,
dump her, not worth it un less u convert her to out IRISH ways..
bTW i do none of the above..:p

Black Swan

Lost99111 wrote:

I meet my friends about 2 - 3 times a month and have about 4 - 5 pints when I'm out with them.

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

JC 2K3

secret_squirrel wrote:

If she is this controlling now - whats it going to be like after the wedding?

Or on the wedding day!? :eek:

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

Not really, she's not even around him when he's out and 4/5 pints wouldn't make a regular drinker very drunk at all.

ferdi

DAVE_K wrote:

Is she muslim BTW? My wife is and for the most part doesn't drink

how does that work out for yous? i was under the impression muslim women were not allowed to marry outside their faith \sorry off topic/

faceman

I dont think anyone can give some worthwhile advice without more info. There has to be a reason for her dislike. Maybe the OP doesnt know himself and should talk to her.

DAVE_K

how does that work out for yous? i was under the impression muslim women were not allowed to marry outside their faith

A few porkies were told to the parents - how's the best way to say it - I was muslim for a day. I've no religion as it stands and I've no respect for anyone who tells me what I must believe or what I'm allowed. I'll say whatever you want but that doesn't mean i'll believe it.
My missus wanted out of there but didn't want the hassle of a bust up with her parents. I didn't want to see her go through the grief - if she'd stayed where she was she'd have been a woman in male dominated society and have never got a chance to do anything with her life. She'd walk down the street and get hassle cos she was wearing a t-shirt rather than a long sleeve shirt or her pants weren't long enough and you could see her "ankles"!!! It drove me nuts.
As well as that we were in love. So it was a case of what do i have to say and lets get away from here. We've been in Ireland a few years now and have 2 kids. The religious thing is a weird one to get around - we've come to the agreement that the best way to raise our children is to teach them about as many religions as we can and when the time comes they can make their own mind up about what way they want to go.

P.S. I know this is off topic but I thought the question was deserved of an answer.

dudara

Dave_K, fair reply, but back to the original topic now.

We need to hear from the OP for further details before we assume anymore. We don't know all the details. A lot of questions have been raised here by posters and I'd like to hear some answers, if possible, from the OP so that we can offer advice instead of speculation.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for the replies guys. More info needed I suppose. Dave K is right, she is Muslim. She thinks it's wrong to have any amount of alcohol. It is nothing to do with me coming home drunk and being abusive or anything like that. In any case we don't live together so I am not coming home to her after drinking. I don't drink when we are together as I know she doesn't like it. Drinking is not a big deal for me, I can go for weeks without drinking or wanting to drink, but I do like a few pints every now and again with the lads and don't want to give this up. However it kills me that I would give up the love of my life for the sake of alcohol.'

Kell

Lost99111 wrote:

However it kills me that I would give up the love of my life for the sake of alcohol.'

Its not the alcohol that is the problem here, its your wife to be's unwillingness to accept you as you are. It has started with alcohol, is it going to be something else in a few years and so on?

K-

Beruthiel

Lost99111 wrote:

'Thanks for the replies guys. More info needed I suppose. Dave K is right, she is Muslim. She thinks it's wrong to have any amount of alcohol.

Then perhaps ye are just not compatible?
I also like my few drinks at the weekend. There's rarely a friday night goes by without me opening a bottle of red. I've worked all week, I deserve a little enjoyment. Were anyone to try and suggest I never do that again, they would be swiftly told where to go. It wouldn't matter how much I cared for this person, they have no right telling me what I can or can't do. (This does not apply if you're a raging alco with severe problems affecting your whole life)
I am also of the opinion that you love me for me, warts an' all, or take the high road.
Sorry mate, but you shouldn't have to change a part of your life for anyone, unless you wish to do so and you are happy doing it. You don't sound like you are, so a serious discussion must be had with your partner.

Mighty_Mouse

but she comes from a country where drinking is not the norm, and certainly not drinking in the way Irish people do. I really love her and I don't know what

Ah the joys of multi-cultural marriage.

IMO you should cut your losses and move on. Or realise now that this woman will want to control your life. Even if you did give up the booze and meeting your friends..............................i mean ffs what else is there to be doing at the weekend!!!

seamus

Kell wrote:

Its not the alcohol that is the problem here, its your wife to be's unwillingness to accept you as you are. It has started with alcohol, is it going to be something else in a few years and so on?

K-

Well, that's pretty much it. First it's alcohol, then it's late nights, then it's not coming home at 6pm on the dot after work, etc etc. Leave the ball in her court. Don't break up with her, but refuse firmly to sacrifice your socialising. It's not excessive, far from it.

There are times when a person must change for the sake of a relationship, but there are equally times when it's important that someone doesn't change for their relationship.

Tuesday_Girl

I don't think it's as straightforward as his gf trying to control his life or tell him what to do. For many Muslims drinking alcohol is wrong, plain and simple, if she were doing something which the OP viewed as wrong, he may also want her to stop. Tolerance and compromise should be a part of any relationship and this case particularly so, but where religion is involved it can be difficult to reach that middle ground.

I have had 2 Muslim boyfriends, the first one drank and loved going to the pub when we visited Ireland, the second did not drink but had no problem in me doing so. If either of them had wanted me to stop drinking, it would have been an issue for me too.

carpenoctem

Ok... here is my opinion.

The two of you need to sit down and have a serious TALK about this. Now, the trick is that it can not include screaming, threatening, accusing or any kind of over emtoional behaviour, just find a day and time when you're not stressed and both have time to talk things out.

This being a discussion you should both be able to state your views on the issue without the other interrupting. Then give opinions on the other persons views. Then try your very hardest to find a compromise somewhere in the middle that you're both happy with. Make sure you find out if there are any other worries she has other than just her culture being against drinking, and adress these. Perhaps it's an issue where she doesn't know where you're going out? I know some people see it as keeping tabs or control but I always make sure my partner knows where I am going and who I am going out with, and he does the same to me. In my opinion it's really just respectful to do this.

In the end, it's all about being able to meet in the middle, the relationship will never work out if one partner expect the other to give in. Of course, it's all give and take but I think in this situation, if you don't see yourself as someone who will stop drinking, then fair enough, at least you're being honest. It would probably be easy enough for you to just go behind her back, but the fact that you're being straightforward with her should count for something.

And hard as it is to say it, if she finds one or two drinks every now and then impossible to accept, even when you have tried your hardest to discuss it in a calm manner and tried to find a compromise, then you should probably part ways sooner rather than later.

DAVE_K

I don't think it's as straight forward as her just trying to control you full stop. She comes from a place where people don't drink. She'll have been told all her life that drinking is wrong and will have learned that through her islamic studies too (and BTW if you were to walk down O'Connell street late Saturday night you'd think she might just have some sort of a point). She's not going to be able to suddenly start thinking its OK just cos she's moved country. She loves you (hopefully!!) and doesn't want to see you doing something that's so wrong where she comes from.
At the end of the day though this is the litmus test for the future and could be the first of many problems you're going to encounter if ye do decide to go through life together. What you'd really want to be talking to her about is what life is going to be like after marriage. Are ye going to have kids - how does she see ye bringing up those kids - will Islam be forced upon them. What about circumcision - will she insist on this if you have boys?? If she is can you handle this being forced upon them (i for one cannot and this was the nub of many an argument). Worse still does she come from a culture where girls get circumcised (which is f*cking brutal BTW). How are ye going to deal with these issues. These are things ye need to get sorted out before ye proceed. If ye don't get them sorted and split later over them - chances are you'll lose the kids, she might go home and then it'll all happen anyway.

Other questions - has she been here long - if not she might relax a bit on the religion front after a while.

You say ye're engaged - are ye actually planning to get married or is it a loosely binding arrangement - what about the wedding - where's that going to be - are you going to have to get circumcised for that yourself!!! (or had you thought of that - maybe it's time to run!!!!).

On a lighter note if you ever want to really p1ss her off you could do what I did a few years ago (un-be-knownst) on Paddies day. Got up with a stinking hangover - went to the shop and got the works - rashers, sausages, black pudding, white pudding and whacked it all on the pan. She awoke to me frying the whole lot up and went F**CKING NUTS. Put it this way I was out the door in about 5 minutes seeking refuge in the closest friends house.

LegacyUser

'Ha ha ha Dave K, you are giving me a good laugh here actually. The issues you are talking about are ringing lots of bells but thankfully we have agreement on all those issues although did have many heated debates in the past few years!! The only issue is the alcohol. She just thinks it is wrong, she thinks I will go to hell for drinking it, she thinks she will go to hell for marrying someone who drinks, she thinks me drinking will set a bad example for our children. She is from Africa but has lived in the UK for 20 years so I don't think she is going to change her opinion on it now. If your wife said she was leaving you if you didn't stop drinking what would you do?'

DAVE_K

I don't know mate. With children already on the scene I would have opted for giving up the beer as it's a hell of a lot to lose just cos you like a beer. Before that i would have been too stubborn to even consider it. She sounds like she can't help the way she feels on this one. If you were to remove this one problem is she really something special - if she is then maybe it's a price worth paying. If you really had to - you could always fit a beer or two in on the sly.
Or you could always just go out for a beer every now and then and just weather the storm when you come home - just keep the head down and wait for it to pass.
I used to be coming home in the cab going "goddammit, this one is going to cost me dearly in shopping money". You'd go out and blow 100 spots in the boozer and come home and have to give her another 100/200 to go get herself something nice in the shops. She'd be p1ssed for a day or two and you'd be on the back foot around the house, and then it'd be over.

miles teg

Lost99111 wrote:

...The only issue is the alcohol. She just thinks it is wrong, she thinks I will go to hell for drinking it, she thinks she will go to hell for marrying someone who drinks, she thinks me drinking will set a bad example for our children.

This is the sort of thing that started crusades and jihads. She knew your religion before going out with you. Tell her that your God (presuming you're Catholic) was known to enjoy the odd snifter at Christmas and you're following in his footsteps. Plus one of his top 10 miracles was making wine. Now that I think of it, priests have to drink wine/blood at communion so alcohol is pretty important stuff. Finally, you can only go to hell for sins defined by your own religion.
Happy Christmas

spurious

Her and the kids or the drink.....well the drink of course!!!!

Seriously - of course you think the 4 or 5 pints has no effect on you. That's the point of drink - it makes us think all sorts of ridiculous things are true.
I'm a better driver, I look like Brad Pitt, I am Angelina Jolie, I can pull anyone in this place.

I wouldn't want my children seeing me stagger in drunk weekly. It's about priorities - which is more important to you - your family or your drink?

miles teg

spurious wrote:

...Her and the kids or the drink.....well the drink of course!!!!
...
I wouldn't want my children seeing me stagger in drunk weekly. It's about priorities - which is more important to you - your family or your drink?

I don't think the OP has children or is even married to the woman so it's not really a choice between drink or family. It's more between drink and nagging. Also, by the time most people get to having kids, alcohol consumption drops a lot anyway

skywalker

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

That many pints means you're drunk. Why do you have to get drunk 2 to 3 times a month? Maybe she would be willing to compromise? You still go out with your friends and drink, but you don't get drunk? Seems fair enough?

Does it though?

Sleepy

OP, why would you want to marry someone so closed minded?

Wibbs

This is a hard one. She seems to be picking and choosing aspects of her faith though(like a lot of religious types). Balancing her stance against your drinking for a moment; for a start as was pointed out she can't marry outside the faith, indeed if she's that strict she shouldn't even be seeing you without her parents OK and even then she should be chaperoned. Do you meet her alone? I suspect so. Well in that case she's equally "going to hell" for that and the fact that she will marry a man not of her faith. Are you willing to convert in the future for the wedding day(depending on her parents that will be a big issue)? What about any kids that come along? What will their faith be? If there are already kids involved then that's a major no no(Though I don't think there are). If you don't sort out the differences now the drinking part will be the least of your worries. IMHO.

Tuesday_Girl

Sleepy wrote:

OP, why would you want to marry someone so closed minded?

She has lived her life in the belief that drinking alcohol is wrong, in the same way as our religion/upbringing/education has taught us that many things are wrong. It's not a case of her being closed-minded, people cannot just change their views overnight over something which is clearly an important part of their religion.

Tuesday_Girl

Wibbs wrote:

This is a hard one. She seems to be picking and choosing aspects of her faith though(like a lot of religious types). Balancing her stance against your drinking for a moment; for a start as was pointed out she can't marry outside the faith, indeed if she's that strict she shouldn't even be seeing you without her parents OK and even then she should be chaperoned. Do you meet her alone? I suspect so. Well in that case she's equally "going to hell" for that and the fact that she will marry a man not of her faith. Are you willing to convert in the future for the wedding day(depending on her parents that will be a big issue)? What about any kids that come along? What will their faith be? If there are already kids involved then that's a major no no(Though I don't think there are). If you don't sort out the differences now the drinking part will be the least of your worries. IMHO.

Have you heard of moderate Islam?

Irish Catholics also practise their faith as it suits them, how many people have not been inside a church since last year but will be there on Christmas Day, having practised few if any of the Church's teachings in the meantime? Me, for one.

Wibbs

Razzle wrote:

Have you heard of moderate Islam?

Yes.

Irish Catholics also practise their faith as it suits them, how many people have not been inside a church since last year but will be there on Christmas Day, having practised few if any of the Church's teachings in the meantime? Me, for one.

That's precisely my point.

The issue comes with which aspects are likely to impinge on both their lives in the future. Obviously him not being a Muslim is OK with her, or at least they've agreed to disagree and that would be a biggy for a lot of Muslims if not their families(depending on religious adherence). Hell she could be a sun worshipper for all that matters. What matters here is the compromise that has to be reached on both sides. If she's willing to meet him alone now and marry him later, both of which would be frowned upon by many of her faith then surely she can also let him have a social drink once a month?

Tuesday_Girl

Wibbs wrote:

Yes.

That's precisely my point.

The issue comes with which aspects are likely to impinge on both their lives in the future. Obviously him not being a Muslim is OK with her, or at least they've agreed to disagree and that would be a biggy for a lot of Muslims if not their families(depending on religious adherence). Hell she could be a sun worshipper for all that matters. What matters here is the compromise that has to be reached on both sides. If she's willing to meet him alone now and marry him later, both of which would be frowned upon by many of her faith then surely she can also let him have a social drink once a month?

Ok gotcha, we're on the same wavelength then

As I mentioned above, I have had 2 Muslim bf's, neither of whom minded me drinking (one drank himself, one didn't). We each compromised in areas where our religions/cultures differed and that worked out fine for us. I think compromise is going to be key here, cos if the OP is not prepared to stop drinking and his gf is not prepared to accept his drinking, then they need to decide if they can even continue their relationship. There will be much bigger issues in life on which compromise will be needed, this issue could be the test.