Flirty Phone Messages

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I would like some thoughts/ideas on this.

My head is in a bit of a mess at the moment. I don’t know if I am over-reacting or if I have the right to be pissed off or what.

First of all, bit of background. We’ve been going out about 9 months. In the first say, 3 months, I didn’t know what to make of him at all, so one night when he was out at the shop, I checked his phone messages. Nothing incriminating but there were a few messages on there from a girl he calls a “friend”. I came clean about what I did. I felt bad and realised that what I did was wrong. We got over it……moved on…….

Saturday night he was out at a Christmas party. I collect him afterwards. He was a little worse for wear. We got home – he was a bit grumpy at this stage – between tiredness and drunkness. He went in. he left his phone on the table and went off to bed.

I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. I got a bit of a fright when I saw 2 girl’s names. One Ive heard him mention before (Girl A), the other I have no idea who she is (Girl (although he says hes told me about her, I have no recollection).

So I read through the messages. The ones from Girl B were grand - not flirty or anything – kind of matter of fact – the messages from Girl A were quite flirty.

I was a bit stunned. I went to bed. When we got up I told him everything. He said that they are female friends of his and that he has nothing to be guilty over. I told him I didn’t care if he had female friends, but that it seemed like it was hiding a secret or something. Girl A is apparently the sister of a friend of his. Girl B is apparently (get this) his ex’s sister’s friend. Never heard of her before. Apparently he was friends with them before we met up. That’s grand. I understand that.

What I don’t understand are the flirty messages, the phone calls, the texts (there were quite a lot of them). Its like he is part of an exclusive group. Ones ive never met. He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

NeMiSiS

"I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. " This to me would suggest you never trusted him in the first place. He has told you the situation with the girls, you have to trust him that it's the truth - if it is not, then make you decisions from there.
TK

shinners007

obviously you dont trust him. checking his phone proves this.
if you really loved and trusted him you wouldnt have to check his phone at all.
youve to decide to either stop all this wondring and give the relationship a go, or simply say well am i always goin to doubt him and just walk away.
has he lied to you or given you a reason to doubt him or are you simply insecure?
i think you must of had a reson or doubt to pick up the phone and check it, where you suspicious and needed to check it to find out what was goin on.

how flirthy were the messages sexually or simply friendly messages passed between friends.

at the end of the dat only u know whether you can believe him or not.

best of luck

Kell

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

Seems like an open bloke then and you are over reacting. I have a shed load of GF's and we all flirt openly with eachother. Doesnt mean I am going behind my GF's back though or doing anything out of order. Its just the way we, and presumablly your BF, have always been with eachother.

Get over it.

K-

LundiMardi

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

Hi guys. I would like some thoughts/ideas on this.

My head is in a bit of a mess at the moment. I don’t know if I am over-reacting or if I have the right to be pissed off or what.

First of all, bit of background. We’ve been going out about 9 months. In the first say, 3 months, I didn’t know what to make of him at all, so one night when he was out at the shop, I checked his phone messages. Nothing incriminating but there were a few messages on there from a girl he calls a “friend”. I came clean about what I did. I felt bad and realised that what I did was wrong. We got over it……moved on…….

Saturday night he was out at a Christmas party. I collect him afterwards. He was a little worse for wear. We got home – he was a bit grumpy at this stage – between tiredness and drunkness. He went in. he left his phone on the table and went off to bed.

I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. I got a bit of a fright when I saw 2 girl’s names. One Ive heard him mention before (Girl A), the other I have no idea who she is (Girl (although he says hes told me about her, I have no recollection).

So I read through the messages. The ones from Girl B were grand - not flirty or anything – kind of matter of fact – the messages from Girl A were quite flirty.

I was a bit stunned. I went to bed. When we got up I told him everything. He said that they are female friends of his and that he has nothing to be guilty over. I told him I didn’t care if he had female friends, but that it seemed like it was hiding a secret or something. Girl A is apparently the sister of a friend of his. Girl B is apparently (get this) his ex’s sister’s friend. Never heard of her before. Apparently he was friends with them before we met up. That’s grand. I understand that.

What I don’t understand are the flirty messages, the phone calls, the texts (there were quite a lot of them). Its like he is part of an exclusive group. Ones ive never met. He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

Wow, i would HATE to have you as a gf...

delly

I think that you are overreacting a bit. While those type of texts can mean something in a bigger picture, on there own its nothing. Have you reason to suspect him of being with somebody else on any other grounds? Did the texts actually say something along the lines of 'That was great sex last night'?

I have female friends who on occasion have sent texts with some sexual references, but this is how these people deal with everybody in our circle and is expected. I don't think you trust your bf regardless and tbh you are in the wrong here unless you have a good reason for checking his texts.

Talliesin

Yep. I flirt with lots of women and I'm not doing anything behind my girlfriends back.

Lots of men too.

And sometimes me and my girlfriend will have a 3-way flirt with someone.

Ah, I do like flirting.

So, the question is does he like flirting also and therefore is likely not flirt without it meaning anything?

Nalz

simple as, you shouldnt be reading his texts without permission. I Was with someone for a long time a good while ago now, and I did a stupid thing similar. I listened to her voicemails (4 times over the space of a month - twice when we had broken up). I consider myself a muppet and am ashamed for doing it. Regardless of how I felt and how down i was, it doesnt excuse what I did. The same applies to you I think. This is an overreaction, however it shoud never have come to light as you shouldnt have done what you did. He has given you his reasons, up to you whether you like them or not

tbh

ok, you know what you know. If his explanation doesn't satisfy you, dump him. If it does, never go through his phone again. If you can't commit to that, dump him.

sounds like a horrible relationship tbh, why are you still in it?

LegacyUser

'I wouldnt debate in the slightest that it was wrong to do that. Am very upset with myself about it. But I knew something was going on in the text dept.

What am I supposed to do? Was trying to get the message across that he can tell me about these people. I think that it is a bit weird.

The girl replied to what ever he said "God no, Im not like that. I dont think your girlfriend wouldnt be too happy if you visited the house".

Like what the f*ck?

How am I not supposed to over react?

Another one was "Ill ring you later, if you want to answer the phone"

and then

"shur ill try ring you anyways, wheter you answer or not is up to you"

then

"Sorry for acting like a drunken ejit last night and sorry for trying to ring you..."

Come on people, are you saying its all in my head? I know what I did was wrong. I felt at the time I had no choice.

I may suffer for my actions now, but I did it for a reason. At least I know now what kind of things are going on.

And for the guys/girls who have girlfriends/bfriends, do your partners know about this txt flirting?'

delly

Sounds to me like his friend knows how paranoid you are and is trying to save him some grief.

lemon_of_old

You said that after the first three months you didn't know what to make of him - what did you mean by this? Did you suspect him of cheating on you at that early stage? Why?

What made you check his phone on Saturday night? Did something specific in his behaviour cause you to feel suspicious?

You know yourself you shouldn't have checked his messages, I'm not going to go there. But you have to consider why you felt it felt it was a good idea to do so.

I do see why you're upset. It's not nice to be faced with what you feel may be definitive evidence of your partner cheating. But it may just be harmless flirting, otherwise do you not think he would be more aware of it, and take every precaution to ensure you didn't find out about it, i.e. deleting messages etc? Flirting isn't cheating. When you asked him about it, he told you quite openly who the girls were. TBH I wouldn't be ecstatic if my partner was flirting with another lady, but some people are very flirtatious by nature, and it shouldn't be taken personally. Flirting is fairly innocent in the grand scheme of things.

You're really angry right now and that's fair enough. But try to see beyond what you found in his inbox and figure out why you checked in the first place.

Do you trust your boyfriend?

craichoe

If he was cheating on you he wouldnt be leaving his phone on the table

LundiMardi

craichoe wrote:

If he was cheating on you he wouldnt be leaving his phone on the table

especially seeing as you have a habit of checking his msg's.

Kell

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

"Sorry for acting like a drunken ejit last night and sorry for trying to ring you..."

Come on people, are you saying its all in my head?

The text should have been confirmation that he is true to you then. Sounds like someone may have tried it on with him (maybe) and really annoyed him in the process and he obviously ignored their subsequent efforts to apologise.

And yes, my GF does know about the flirting.

K-

Húrin

You're overreacting.

AngryBadger

tbh wrote:

ok, you know what you know. If his explanation doesn't satisfy you, dump him. If it does, never go through his phone again. If you can't commit to that, dump him.

sounds like a horrible relationship tbh, why are you still in it?

Quoted for truth

LegacyUser

'to be honest i dont think your over-reacting, my friend borrowed my boyfrinds fone the other day and told me there was messages from his best frind ( a girl) saying 'u no i love u' and 'f..k her ill kiss u if i like'. I still dont know how to react as it wasnt actually me who read the messages. But it means that i dont completely trust him anymore and would now read his messages if i got the chance ( hadnt even thought about it before.). Ok i know that wasnt really much help to you but im looking for some help with it too so em i cant really answer you.'

turbot

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

OP:

Obviously this is an elaborate cover up on behalf of your boyfriend. He is probably dating both of them at the same time, except they take different roles in the bedroom, thus the different tones in the messages. What you describe smacks of a secret threesome situation he is involved in.

Except that.... the last paragraph is complete bull****.

And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up.


So I'm a guy... as a social male in the World I talk to people wherever I go. Aspects of my behaviour could be described as flirting... after all flirting is about good communication, being stimulating, interesting and engaging.
I like to make my female friends laugh and feel good about themselves. This often includes alluding to all kinds of things, or playing a role in a conversation, that could be described as strong flirting.

If I quoted some of the things said, you might find them unbelievable. I'm not going to repeat them because you are angry to begin with, and misinterpretted by someone who is cranky, you'll read stuff into a situation that is merely your own projection of your own issues, which is different to the reality.

If you have a problem that your boyfriend is interesting in a way that he communicates with other women, then maybe you should kidnap him and tie him to a post in a cave, where he has no mobile phone reception so you can control him fully and avoid taking responsibility for your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are.

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

Bottle_of_Smoke

LundiMardi wrote:

especially seeing as you have a habit of checking his msg's.

Unless he's trying to get her to dump him. Based on her posts not unlikely.

OP do you not think he'll find you unattractive & be more likely to cheat when he finds out you're suspicious?

Killaqueen!!!

Wow. Why are loads of girls like this?

I don't hear of many guys checking their girlfriends msgs for NO reason whatsoever.

You obviously have trust issues - grow up and deal with them.

rediguana

The lesson here is that it's a recipe for disaster to read a partner's text messages, unless you're attached to Mr. Boring or Miss Mundane.

STAY AWAY FROM HIS PHONE

daiixi

I send flirty text messages and flirty pm's to people all the time with absolutely no intention of anything. It makes no difference to me whether the recipient is male or female or in a relationship or not. Some people are flirty, some people aren't. You don't trust your boyfriend* - that's the problem and it's your problem. Don't make it his.

I actually just read more of this thread than the first post and OP I think it's time you walk away.



* this does not mean that he's not up to no good

Calina

Question to me: would I appreciate my boyfriend reading my text messages and emails? Or letters for those odd people (like myself) still occasionally write them? Or a diary.

No. In fact, even if I had absolutely nothing to hide I would go ballistic that someone - who is supposed to love me - had so little respect for my space that they took the right to go there. So I wouldn't read his letters, emails, and text messages. Everyone is entitled to personal space and some personal privacy. Do you record and listen to all his phone calls as well?

I don't think you trust him. And I don't think, if I were in his position that I would trust you after a second phone examination trick. If you do love and care for him then respect his space.

secret_squirrel

OP you do realise that if he isnt cheating you are practically driving him to it with your crazy insecure ways.

How do you expect your relationship to work exactly, when you keep undermining it?

Chucky the tree

i hope you dont have any rabbits in your house.

Stabshauptmann

OP, you are COMPLETELY in the wrong. First, I would be very annoyed with anyone who went through my messages. Second, he HAS done nothing wrong. WFT is your problem, if he came on here asking for advise about a psycho gf Id tell him to dump you.

LegacyUser

'

turbot wrote:

OP:

Obviously this is an elaborate cover up on behalf of your boyfriend. He is probably dating both of them at the same time, except they take different roles in the bedroom, thus the different tones in the messages. What you describe smacks of a secret threesome situation he is involved in.

Except that.... the last paragraph is complete bull****.

And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up.


So I'm a guy... as a social male in the World I talk to people wherever I go. Aspects of my behaviour could be described as flirting... after all flirting is about good communication, being stimulating, interesting and engaging.
I like to make my female friends laugh and feel good about themselves. This often includes alluding to all kinds of things, or playing a role in a conversation, that could be described as strong flirting.

If I quoted some of the things said, you might find them unbelievable. I'm not going to repeat them because you are angry to begin with, and misinterpretted by someone who is cranky, you'll read stuff into a situation that is merely your own projection of your own issues, which is different to the reality.

If you have a problem that your boyfriend is interesting in a way that he communicates with other women, then maybe you should kidnap him and tie him to a post in a cave, where he has no mobile phone reception so you can control him fully and avoid taking responsibility for your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are.

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

after reading the whole tread i feel compelled to say that i find some of the content of the above abusive of the OP. The OP simply has a different opinion to turbot and there is no need to call her names etc. everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong.'

Black Swan

I like to flirt, and my SO knows it. But I will not cross the line and cheat. Seems you have trust issues with your b/f? If these are not resolved, then there's no future.

Kell

turbot wrote:

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

Jeebus. And I thought I was straight to the point. Well said.

K-

Wanders off to consult the "Being blunt as the proverbial brick manual"

LegacyUser

'I dont appreciate being called crazy, or being told to grow-up. I think some of the posts here were quite abusive.

I never disputed that I was wrong. But ye dont seem to understand why I did it.

I had a long hard think about this last night and reading some of the posts yesterday evening. Do I trust him? No.

I finally said it and it is some sort of relief.

I dont trust him. He is a massive flirt, on the phone, with people, where ever.

Its just something that I cant get over. Something that I dont want to have to deal with on a daily basis.

For the last few hours Ive been thinking about how nice it would be to have peace in my head. Not to worry about all this mess. And its after turning into a very big mess. You are right when ye say, its my problem, not his. I cant deal with him being flirty or txting flirty to other girls. Its not fair to make him suffer either.

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'

Kell

So are you going to dump him?

I appreciate it is difficult for people who dont regularly flirt to accept that other people do and do it without intent. As a poster said earlier, when he flirts he likes to make his friends feel good about themselves and often words like "i love you to bits" are exchanged via text but its not the same as GF/BF love.

If anything, some people have the great experience of being able to share their appreciation of someone else without fear of repercussion or complication and its a great place to be in.

A lot of people are self conscious about expressing their feelings for someone. You should actually praise your BF that he is that open with his feelings and that people he knows are that comfortable with him that they can express theirs.

K-

OLDYELLAR

Well being quite honest if you feel the need to go reading through his texts there is something definately wrong.

If you dont trust the guy to that extent Id say dump him . No point in being with him if ya think hes up to all sorts behind your back. It`ll only be harder if ya leave it go on for longer it`l turn into one of those lets not throw away X no of years things , whereas in reality you were never really happy anyway because to be fair or maybe its just me its impossible to be happy in a relationship when the trust is gone anyway.

Dump him , get a bloke you can trust and stop with the text snooping. It actually makes you seem pretty needy and like the only thing you think about is him making for someone else..............if thats what he wants leave him off , plenty more fish in the sea an all that craic

6th

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'

Some guys just go for insecure, nosey women.

Have you had relationships before where you couldnt trust the guy/girl?

LegacyUser

'Thanks 6th.

I was actually an avid reader of yours on the paranormal boards. Didnt think you were up for bitchy, unnecessary comments. That goes for a few of ye.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. Like one poster said, we all have limits and ideas as to what is normal for each one of us in a relationship. I dont think this is normal and I know now that it is something that I, in a relationship, cannot handle.'

turbot

Ishindar1 wrote:

'
after reading the whole tread i feel compelled to say that i find some of the content of the above abusive of the OP.

In the 1960's, one of my favourite writers gathered pamphlets and articles written by various feminist groups, and changed all the references to "men / males" instead to Jews.

He then handed them out to a similar audience, and asked where they thought these pamphlets and articles came from, and the unanimous response was "Nazi Germany."

So Ishindar, what do you think is more immoral or offensive?

a) A female who says she's starting to hate, based upon a complete misinterpretation of someones behaviour?

b) The idea of that a male should limit all his communication with women to politically correct only, to appease a girlfriend who is jealously and psychotically misunderstanding a situation?

As a guy who does flirt a lot, with good intentions, I think the OP needs to take responsibility for herself, and deal with her buill**** behaviours, and she knows it. And it would be unkind, since she asked for help, to let her get away with anything less.

Ishindar1 wrote:

'
The OP simply has a different opinion to turbot and there is no need to call her names etc. everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong.'

Ishindar, this isn't a matter of opinion, it's a matter of process.

Firstly, she reads his text messages, and starts imagining stuff that isn't happening, and then gets angry about what she's imagining. This behaviour is offensive. Like rascism. And it's not just a matter of opinion; this same kind of thinking that causes half of the problems in the World.

Secondly, there is a thing called right and wrong. It's right to be wise. And it's wrong get angry before you are smart about what is actually happening.

turbot

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

'I dont appreciate being called crazy, or being told to grow-up. I think some of the posts here were quite abusive.

Then you are ungrateful. Why bother posting to a newsgroup and asking for advice, if you're not going to listen to the advice given openly?

Ask yourself, if I wanted to insult you, do you think these are the best insults I could come up with? They are not insults, they are descriptions and suggestions. Grow up; for everyone else's sake.

I never disputed that I was wrong. But ye dont seem to understand why I did it

Now you are making excuses. It not so important why you did it, as to what you can do better or how you can learn from what you did.

I had a long hard think about this last night and reading some of the posts yesterday evening. Do I trust him? No.

So then ask yourself, are you capable of trusting any guy who flirts with any women other than yourself? For your own sake, if you can't, you should set out to learn to.

See I'm one of the those guys who is an outrageous flirt. The stuff I write to some of my female friends would shock you. You probably wouldn't believe it. But they play along, and it's a fun game, and no harm is intended. It's not about cheating... it's about stimulating communication. You need to understand thisl

I finally said it and it is some sort of relief.

Firstly, you need to acknowledge your own emotions to better deal with them.

I dont trust him. He is a massive flirt, on the phone, with people, where ever.

Would you rather a guy who is good fun, witty and able to make people laugh, or someone who can't make people smile as much?

Its just something that I cant get over. Something that I dont want to have to deal with on a daily basis.

BULL****.

So far, you haven't tried properly, and/or are too lazy and irresponsible to deal with.

What have you actually done to get over this?

Have you read any books about dealing with jealousy or confidence?

Have you really gone to lengths to figure out this part of yourself?

Never give up... your opportunity to grow into a better person.

For the last few hours Ive been thinking about how nice it would be to have peace in my head. Not to worry about all this mess. And its after turning into a very big mess. You are right when ye say, its my problem, not his. I cant deal with him being flirty or txting flirty to other girls. Its not fair to make him suffer either.

I don't think he's the problem. See if you had peace in your head, you'd be able to see that this situation isn't a problem. Until you can be peaceful in your head whether or not he's flirting, you won't be peaceful enough to see what is happening rationally.

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'

None of this relinquishes your opportunity to learn to better yourself and deal with your insecurity more. Try Paul McKennan's book "Instant confidence".

LegacyUser

'Excuse me.

Can some of ye here please get off yer high horses?

What is with the name calling? Come on, if any people are psycotically disturbed, its the people who are calling me names!

I didnt come on there to get called names. You dont know me personally, you dont know anything about me. There is a bigger picture than me checking someones messages. If the people who are calling me names cant see that, then please dont post at all.

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

You have just made me more angry now. You know nothing.

If you are an outrageous flirt and it works for you and your girlfriend, then good for you. It does not and never will fit in with what my idea of a good partner is.'

dr.bollocko

If it was a jealous possessive boyfriend monitoring your phone calls or limiting time you got to spend with friends that wouldnt be ok would it?
What people are saying here is that your issues with trust are your problem. That means that you have to work on them.
It does not mean that you have to run away from every guy that makes you feel jealous and go and find yourself a doormat of a boyfriend that will put up with your jealousy. That will just turn you into a bad person.
You need to WORK ON the problem, not ignore it and cut and paste in a pussy who will put up with it.

dr.bollocko

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

'Excuse me.

Can some of ye here please get off yer high horses?

What is with the name calling? Come on, if any people are psycotically disturbed, its the people who are calling me names!

I didnt come on there to get called names. You dont know me personally, you dont know anything about me. There is a bigger picture than me checking someones messages. If the people who are calling me names cant see that, then please dont post at all.

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

You have just made me more angry now. You know nothing.

If you are an outrageous flirt and it works for you and your girlfriend, then good for you. It does not and never will fit in with what my idea of a good partner is.'

Its just strange that you arent actually looking for vindication for snooping in your boyfriend's stuff. And you seem like a person that attacks rather than defends, rather to lash out immediately. Which I can understand. But try and take some of the not meaner stuff on board when making your choice of where to go next.

LegacyUser

'But I dont know how to do it.

I have made a big mess of everything - and for this I am very upset.

For all the people who are out there and can handle this type of situation, I dont know how ye do it.

I have royally fcuk'ed it all up. Why not leave him in peace? There is nothing I can do at this stage. I obviously cant solve these issues right here, right now. I cant change the way I think in an instant.

My ex-bf (who I had a relationship with for 5 years), he used to txt other girls - to see how they were doing etc. Was never anything flirty. As I have said before, the issue isnt him texting other women, its how its done.

I dont know them. I havent a clue who they are. What if it did turn out he was cheating and I never did anything about it. I thought I had to explore who these people were. Im sorry if that comes accross as being crazy, but I guess I saw it as a way of defense.'

dr.bollocko

Like all relationship issues that can be dealbreakers, you can only know by doing. And you can only learn about yourself by going throug htricky situations like this.
Is it not better if one relationship you have is effected, but you learn an important lesson that makes you a better and happier person on your own?

Its not like you were aware of any issues and you wanted to hurt anyone. It is just a natural reaction to have, ire, jealousy, possessiveness. And something like seeing an intimate text message from another woman would always trigger that, that rush of angry blood to the head. We all suffer to some extent. Its something to watch, and its important that you can stop these emotions from crippling communication in a relationship.
It would be wise to stop searching for a reason not to trust your boyfriend, because it was you reading the messages, and not the boyfriend sending them that has caused you all this heart-ache.
Of course you are right, he could be cheating. And if you dont trust him, sure, walking away from the relationship is the right thing. Nobody here has seen your boyfriend in action or knows how you define flirting, so nobody here is more knowledgeable than you. All people on here know is what you told them.
Everyone values their privacy to a huge degree, so when anyone posts a thread that starts with the OP looking somewhere where they shouldn't you are bound to get flamed for it.
I wouldnt feel like a bad person because of it.

You clearly care enough about your relationship to put this work into it, even if the energy is going in the wrong places.

Here's the thing. When you picked up his phone and looked through his messages, were you looking for a reason to leave him? Is your sub-conscious need to get out of this relationship manifesting itself in jealousy or snooping?

turbot

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none.

Read the post I sent at 14:59.

What do you mean there is no advice?

I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

There is a saying that problems can't be solved at the same level of thinking from which they were created.

Why bother asking for advice if you're only going to listen to yourself?

Have a salt bath. Do something to relax.

tubes

Did you read the sent messages on the phone? This would give you more of an indication as to what he's up to!

LegacyUser

I am listening to everyone else, except you.

Have a salt bath? Taking the mick now? Goes to show why Im not reading anything you write.

Am not looking for a way out. I love him a lot. I messed up royally. I tried to talk to him last night, tried to talk to him about what happened and it just ended in us getting really ratty with each other. I dont see any other option anymore. I caused the problem and now ive to fix it.

secret_squirrel

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

More fool you. If you could look at this issue with anything like objectivity you would see that Turbots posts whilst blunt contained useful advice.

Unfortunately until you sit down and try to get some distance you're not going to realise this.

Acting the Drama Queen and ending the relationship because of your own percieved faults wont help either.

You need to sit back and take stock, and try to put some emotional distance on the problem.

Until you do that - you are just going to compound it.

Has it even occured to you to ask your BF for help in dealing with your insecurities?

Drift

OP if you really want to stay with him then you have to make sure that you don't get too obsessed with finding out every little detail about these girls. It happens quite often that we get so afraid of losing someone that we end up changing the way we behave towards them which in the long pushes them away. So we end up losing them exactly what we were afraid of to start with.

Not sure if this helps, but its a little bit of personal experience.

turbot

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I am listening to everyone else, except you.

What kind of manipulative social nonsense is this?

Do you want to play out the role of a drama queen, too arrogant to change, or do you really want to solve your situation? Is your ego so big you screen out anyone who disagrees with you?

Have a salt bath? Taking the mick now? Goes to show why Im not reading anything you write.

Angry/Annoyed - you should really ask yourself - what is my intention in these posts? If it was purely to ridicule you, don't you think I could be a bit more creative?


Taking a salt bath is a practical suggestion. You're body is composed of 80+% water, with a delicate balance of nutrients (and salts). Emotions are held physically... and within your biochemistry.

Several ways of dissapating such emotions are to go to places where there is a stronger better atmosphere around you, like a beautiful part of the country side, or to ground out the emotions that are getting to you. Anyone who does Yoga knows this.

People who do often crystal healing "cleanse" their ctystals in salt water.

It's well known that the sea is good for clearing your head and calming you down. IT's too cold to swim in the sea in Ireland at least, so if you are too angry to think clearly, a simple way of changing your mind is to relax. If you have a salt bath... this literally absorbs some of your stress, relaxes your muscles, clears your mind.

Epsom salts will also help alkalize and detox you, literally physically adjusting your chemistry. If you don't believe me, do some research and try it and validate it for yourself.

Am not looking for a way out. I love him a lot. I messed up royally. I tried to talk to him last night, tried to talk to him about what happened and it just ended in us getting really ratty with each other. I dont see any other option anymore. I caused the problem and now ive to fix it.

It's really simple.

You have an imaginary problem. You keep imagining that your boyfriend might be unfaithful and it's driving you mad. Your only evidence is that he is flirtatious.

His flirtatiousness does not indicate he is unfaithful. I'm probably more flirtatious than he is, because it's fun, and I flirt with women like receptionists in other countries on the phone. I do this because it's fun and it's nice to make people feel good.

To deal with your imaginary problem, you have to deal with your imagination.

It's really simple.

The way you feel affects what you imagine, and what you imagined affects how you feel. You're caught up in a a cycle of anger generating mistrust, and things you imagine generating more anger and despair.

If you made yourself relaxed and calm, you'd literally change whats in your imagination, like that sense of well being you get on holiday when you suddenly realise you're on holiday and relax.

So you have a choice - if you want to make the best of your relationship and sort your head out, you have to calm down first.

Take a salt bath.

Read Paul McKenna's book "Instant Confidence" and do the exercises in it, especially the tft exercise in this case.

Meditate.

Get a massage.

Do whatever it takes.

Then you can thank me afterwards for giving you good advice, despite your reactions.

LegacyUser

'@OP - You are a very touchy woman. I am surprised your boyfriend hasn't dumped YOU - and maybe THAT is an insult, but it is one of the few in this thread. People are actually giving you advice here and you ignore it and make up bullshi1t that they're insulting you. Turbot has given nothing but good advice. Stop being such a drama queen.'

Ishindar

turbot wrote:

So Ishindar, what do you think is more immoral or offensive?

this is what i find offensive as it is not advise it is abuse....

"your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are"


"And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up."


you make a lot of assumptions and judgements. your perspective is very limited indeed. your "advise" is unwanted here as detailed by the OP.

moto2006

Hi OP
I think everyone has different ideas on what is ok in a relationship and what constitutes unacceptable - some people draw the line at flirting, some at kissing, some don't mind their SO going to strip clubs but would hate if they were in touch with their ex... different strokes for different folks and all that. For myself, I wouldn't mind my SO being friendly with other women at all BUT I'd like to have met them (I know that a bit sad, kind of territory marking! )

I don't think your BF did anything wrong by getting those text messages - he can't control what people say to him - and you were wrong to read them - but you know that already, I think its in your first post. Unfortunately you cant "unknow" what you read so you probably need to have a talk with him. I would apologise for reading his texts because he probably feels (a bit justifiably) that here he is, doing all the right things, maybe is a bit of a flirt but not letting it go any further and putting you at number one always and now seems like he is the worst in the world.
In the same way he is not the devil incarnate for being a bit of a flirt, you're not wrong either for being a bit hacked off. It's just two different ways of handling yourselves in relationships. The only way you'll sort it out is to talk it through. Maybe he feels under attack when you talk (and you are probably still angry) so that might be why the two of you end up getting ratty when you try to talk about it? There might be changes one or both of you could make, maybe even just a change in attitude but that is completely up to you. Myself I would tend to be a bit of a jealous body but I do think its a bit unfair to hang the guy over liking other female company (as long as you're number one and you seem to be - he is coming home to you after all and doing his best sort it by being honest with you!) However, if you don't think you can handle the flirty nature then don't wreck your head (and his) getting mad, paranoid, crazy and call it quits.
Best of luck whatever happens.