get under someone else to get over another?

Silent Grape

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

i got dumped for the first time (i know, its mental, im 23!) nearly three weeks ago and im gutted. absolutely heartbroken. he's moving away in february, its all very messy. we had a bad couple of weeks and he wasnt into sex as he usually was. anyway, i could go on about the relationship for ages but i want to talk about how to get on with it.

i have no practise in being broken up with and this horrible lack of control im experiencing.i aleady had his xmas presents bought, we had christmas, new years and everything planned out, we were talking about how we were going to handle him moving away. it was a very secure relationship, and he was the one reassuring me about how secure i could feel in it. it was all very mutual and mature. so it was such a massive shock when he broke up with me.

he said it wasnt about me, and i believe him, but im finding it very hard to be nice to him now. i am so hurt and broken and sad all the time, its making me angry and bitter and that is not a good way to be.

i still love him of course, he's a terrific boy and i miss him so much, but i cant let go of all the loss im feeling, and the sense that he took my xmas happiness etc away from me, hence me getting angry and bitter towards him.

he is not helping things by being quite cold and non cooperative about giving me my things back. we were supposed to meet up a week ago or so but he couldnt make it and it was too soon anyway, but he has made no more requests to meet up since. is it true that boys go logical and cold when they break up with someone. thats the general consensus from my friends anyway.


oh god im sorry for rambling on, i know there isnt much anyone can say to change anything. we've been friends for 7 years and now i feel like i never want to see him again and i really dislike him at the moment, at the same time as desperately wanting to be back together with him. and id love to kiss someone else soon but i know id just be too desperate for a relationship like what i had before, and would wind up hurting myself more.

its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment, i just cant clear my head out at all. i suppose im just ranting, but any advice would be lovely. sorry for how terribly this post was written,

m

biko

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

No, I don't think so. You'll only end up regretting 2 things.

arseagon

Silent Grape wrote:

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

Not a good idea in my experience, It ends bad.

Silent Grape wrote:

he is not helping things by being quite cold and non cooperative about giving me my things back. we were supposed to meet up a week ago or so but he couldnt make it and it was too soon anyway, but he has made no more requests to meet up since. is it true that boys go logical and cold when they break up with someone. thats the general consensus from my friends anyway.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. It's not something you can generalise i mean some women can do it too. Sometimes people need to distance themselves from a broken relationship in order to try get over them.

Silent Grape wrote:

oh god im sorry for rambling on, i know there isnt much anyone can say to change anything. we've been friends for 7 years and now i feel like i never want to see him again and i really dislike him at the moment, at the same time as desperately wanting to be back together with him. and id love to kiss someone else soon but i know id just be too desperate for a relationship like what i had before, and would wind up hurting myself more.

Also it's common to go through phases of loving/hating him. But again in experience it fades.

Silent Grape wrote:

its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment, i just cant clear my head out at all. i suppose im just ranting, but any advice would be lovely. sorry for how terribly this post was written,

m

I'm sorry to hear about your break up and I do feel for you but give it time. It's a great healer, I know it's probably not what you want to hear right now but it's the truth. If it's over, you will get over him, move on and be happy again. Just stay strong.

Aoife-FM104

Having sex with someone else definitely takes your mind off things! In my opinion, and experience, it does work. The key is not to develop a relationship with the other person, but to use the sex as a kind of ego boost/distraction.

I would only do it if you are finding it difficult to cope. Otherwise, it's probably healthier to spend the few weeks grieving.

PM me if you want more intimate details!!

Guess_Who

In my own very recent experience it didn't work.

I'm not really into 1 night stands but a couple of months after the break up I had a bit of a rebound fling. Sex with my ex was as much about having fun and a laugh together as it was about the actual sex. So when I slept with my fling it just reminded me of what I miss about my ex. Even though I fancied the guy the friendship part just wasn't there.

Before I slept with him I loved the few weeks where we were flirting, kissing and texting etc. and it really gave me a boost. So go out and have a bit of a flirt etc but I personally wouldn't reccomend jumping into bed with someone just for the sake of it.

I know how you feel at the moment and I wouldn'twish it on anyone but it does get better.

Froot

In my experience it does work.

Each to their own. You see the whole world does not move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some.

Black Swan

Silent Grape wrote:

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

No. It's called on the rebound. People often do a lot of foolish things in their attempt to get over someone when on the rebound. Sometimes ends up in another trashed relationship.

Kell

Silent Grape wrote:

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

As others have said, it depends on your frame of mind. You may well feel used even if you are using the encounter for pure gratification as some girls do in these circumstances. Dont pressure yourself into something that doesnt feel 100% right though.

Silent Grape wrote:

its constant tears and moodiness and confusion at the moment,

A breakup is like any grieving. Its a process. You are in step one of five which is the shock stage. Then you'll move into denial which is usually short lived when you are dumped turning quickly to anger. Its usually at the anger stage that its relatively ok to shag someone without fear of doing any emotional damage to yourself. Cant remember the step after denial, then its acceptance when its time to consider relationships again.

Its a shítter of a time to be in your situation. If your going to consider shagging someone make sure there are no emotional complications. They're the least thing you need at the moment.

Hugs.

K-

dvega

I did it only recently after my gf and i split, ifelt real sleezy and guilty(even though the relationship was over).I have not done it since,i want to give myself time to get over it.It might even take 5-6 months.If you feel it takes more so be it.

Saruman

It works.. for that one night or however long you are with them.. maybe only an hour Anyway after that you will regret it.. though it probably will release your tension... as others have said.. do NOT get attached in any way and make it clear its a booty call

Of course dont listen to me.. i have had 2 real relationships in my life and one of them is now (married ) so im no expert. I did however do what you are thinking about to get over the last one.

layke

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

No. It's called on the rebound. People often do a lot of foolish things in their attempt to get over someone when on the rebound. Sometimes ends up in another trashed relationship.

Worn that t-shirt, and I only ended up breaking another girls heart while making myself feel worse.

Avoid it.

On the other hand i'm a sucker for a story full of filth.
/me PM's Aoife.

MonkeyWrench

Kell wrote:

A breakup is like any grieving. Its a process. You are in step one of five which is the shock stage. Then you'll move into denial which is usually short lived when you are dumped turning quickly to anger. Its usually at the anger stage that its relatively ok to shag someone without fear of doing any emotional damage to yourself. Cant remember the step after denial, then its acceptance when its time to consider relationships again.

I think the stages of loss are defined a bit differently by some but in general they are
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

From my experience any short term fix (like having a fling etc) is only going to take you out of one of these stages temporarily and then the loop will begin again, maybe not in that particular order. So i'd say just give yourself time to get over it. its really the only safe road you can take...

Mrs_Doyle

When I split with my first boyfriend, even though I wanted to split with him, I found it hard, and I quickly focused my attention on other boys. In the few months that followed the split I had 3 mini relationships, as in I dated 3 boys, for about 3 or 4 weeks a piece, and I was mad about each one, right up until I met the next one. It was all incredibly fickle.
Bit weird, I know, I was obviously just looking for something to occupy the part of my life that he used to occupy.
It worked for me though.
When I broke up with my 2nd boyfriend I decided to throw myself into my studies, and career, and on the very day that we split I rang one of my tutors and asked him to meet with me. He did, and we discussed all of my options, and he put me forward for several career opportunities, which benefited me greatly.
I decided to get pro-active with my time the second time around, and focus my energies on something more positive then obsessing about random boys.

Whatever route you decide to take, I do understand, and believe that some sort of time consuming distraction can be hugely beneficial in the months that follow a break up, but maybe try to spend your time wisely by doing something that could benefit your life.

Dragan

Aoife-FM104 wrote:

PM me if you want more intimate details!!

Aoife, at the age of 23 and having had at least two relationships i imagine the girl knows how to get laid.

OP, generally speaking the desire to sleep with someone else after a breakup is just a nice little buffer to real feelings.

You got dumped so you feel bad, you feel like maybe you were not good enough, some people can ever feel ugly and unattractive so sleeping with someone else can temporarily calm those feelings.

All in all though, it's not really worth it. Better to just make the adjustment, the fact that he broke up with you does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means it didn't work out.

AngryBadger

The truth is those feelings aren't going to disappear because you have ex with someone else. one of the reasons we go for the rebound-**** is because sex (whether we want to believe it or not) is about emotional connection. For different people the connection is moe or less emotional, and generally it's FAR MORE emotional for women than guys. Point it have sex with a randomer isn't going to make your pain go away, you'll probably feel elated for a little bit and in all likelihood you'll feel like utter garbage after a while.

My advice is not constructive but totally honest. if you want to chance getting under someone else then go for it, don't be worrying about whether it's the best course or not or what will people say or that, just go for it, but be prepared to feel like garbage for a while longer.

Sorry, that's just how it is. It takes yonks to get over someone you've been that close to, and all you can really do is keep your shoulder into it, and in time all the anger and bitterness will fade.

P.S. YOU could be the exception that proves the rule here, so I'm not saing to avoid the rebound sex, just pointing out the downside.

TheminxIRL

No this is a terrible idea, your heart and soul are not in it and all you are doing is using another person to try avoid the emotions you have to go through anyways.

Stop and think about the hurt you could inflict on an innocent third party if they were to find out you were using them purely to get over somebody else.

It is hard to deal with, been through it myself over the past five months but whilst my initial reaction was to find someone else, now im glad I didnt, I had some "me" time and I have not hurt anyone else.

Aura

Yeah, it's definitely only a short term solution, albeit a highly attractive one in times of weakness and/or drunkeness but I don't think it shows you or indeed your former relationship the respect it obviously deserves if there was that level of emotion involved.

Break-ups when they happen without external influences feel, somewhat perversely, as bad at your lowest times as your relationship was good at it's best times and i totally understand the urge to stamp out those confusing feelings by masking them with something else, be it physical or otherwise but unfortunately we can't fool ourselves as well as we can others and those feelings will still be there beneath the surface.

Just take your time.

Aura.

akw_old

yes. pm me! ha.

seriously, i broke up with someone in the summer. had a fling a while after, it did help, got my confidence back and felt better after. but i'm a bloke, dont know how a girl would feel about it.

Silent Grape

thanks so much for all the replies, a surprising amount of them, i really appreciate it.

we had a terrible texting argument last night about me getting my books back. i tried calling him as i hate texting but he couldnt answer.

he was asking me what the huge rush was on getting the books back. you see i had assumed he had dropped them up to my mums house already and when they wernt there when i came home a couple of nights ago i asked for them again. i told him i wanted them back asap as i want a clean break and dont want him having anything of mine that means a lot to me. he hasnt so much as asked me how i am since we broke up, but expects me to listen to him moan about his ****ty job to me as an excuse for not giving me back my things.

after i texted him saying i needed a clean break, instead of trying to understand, as i have done for him so many times, he rubbed in my face the fact that a few weeks ago he lent me 50 quid to buy food in tesco. he knows about my incredibly difficult financial siuation, the fact im in a 9am -9pm college and have to work on top of it. it was a really sweet tender gesture and its not like i went off and bought clothes or anything. he even came with me to tesco to buy my shopping.

he said if i really wanted a clean break i could keep the money i owed him (i didnt think i owed it to him in the first place, i thought it was a one off gift) and buy new books with it.

he was so harsh. so, today i am dropping the 50 quid through his letterbox. more than anything i dont want to be blamed for not being fair.

a few weeks ago we were having such a loving, fun filled time, and now on christmas day i can already imagine myself tormenting myself with images of what it was supposed to be like.

gutted. argh. sorry for all the ranting again, and thankyou all so much for your help, especially the people who spoke of it like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now

Kell

Silent Grape wrote:

like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now

Not a lot of people do. It does help to lend some perspective to how you are feeling at particular times so you know why you are feeling certain things and that its ok to feel that way.

K-

MojoMaker

If he's being bitchy like this to you after he's gotten away from the relationship then he emotionally disconnected from you months ago, maybe longer. I hate to say it but if he isn't going away to February and he still decided to end it during the party season then he has his eye on at least one other person. It's a right pisser and I sympathise.

Catch up with mates. Don't worry about boys for a while. If you get a random kiss or two over the next few weeks then great, but don't go looking for it, you're worth more than that going by your opening post.

Nalz

Silent Grape wrote:

gutted. argh. sorry for all the ranting again, and thankyou all so much for your help, especially the people who spoke of it like a grieving process, it really is like that, and i never knew it till now

its worse then that at occasions, cas the person you are grievin is dead to only you in a way. If you know what I mean. Time is the only healer me thinks

Aura

MojoMaker wrote:

If he's being bitchy like this to you after he's gotten away from the relationship then he emotionally disconnected from you months ago, maybe longer. I hate to say it but if he isn't going away to February and he still decided to end it during the party season then he has his eye on at least one other person. It's a right pisser and I sympathise.
QUOTE]


Jeez that's pretty harsh and I really hope not true!

Beetlebum

Surround yourself with friends and people who love you. Drink your favourite wine, eat chocolate and be kind to yourself. When my bf broke up with me it was the first time anybody had ever broken up with me. I didn't know how to deal with all the conflicting emotinos...love, hate, desire for another guy, anger at all men...the list goes on. I found it so hard to accept the fact that it was over and I acted abit crazy. I sent him a few desperate emails and he wouldn't even respond. I had a few one night stands and felt empty and cheap afterwards. I drank almost every night and sent him upset and angry text messages. It's fair to say that it was rough!

However, six months down the line and I'm brand new. I'm not sure how I got over it in the end, I think it was simply time that healed my wounds. It's a horrible thing to go through and you sound like such a lovely girl. Gather up all your strenght and keep your head high. I made a conscience decision to stop contacting my ex aswell. It was hard at times but I forced myself not to do it. On nights out I'd leave my phone at home in case I got tempted and in work if I wanted to email him I'd go down a nd make coffee instead or called one of my friends.

It's so typical aswell, once I stopped all contact with him he's the one who then started calling me. He even asked me to get back with him a few weeks ago and I point blank refused. You will get over this Silent Grape but it's going to take time.

Take good care of yourself

Silent Grape

thanks everyone.

thanks beetlebum, now that is a lot of ****e to have to deal with
i dropped the money through his letterbox this morning, and he can make of it what he wants. i might try lightening up when it comes to relationships. i tend to just have sex with someone just for the sex, or kind of get attached for a couple of weeks then get bored, or fall completely headlong in love in a long term relationship (which is what i'd been wanting for a long time)

i take a long time to trust someone im seeing, i havent met anyone i wanted to go out with for over two years, until friendship turned to something else with my ex last april. he let me down and hurt me badly in the summer. he explained everything and its justifiable, but i took him back, and now i feel so stupid for trusting someone so seemingly surefooted and confident and strong who had previously let me down badly.

anyway, i take relationships very seriously, as you should i think, if im in it, im in it with everything i have, and i think he was always going to hold back a little emotionally due to him leaving in feb.

back in april/may, i made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with people too early, and wait till they proove their trust and worth. i had had a years worth of sex too early and then the boy in question would leave or lose interest or just completlely feck off. im no slut, but this weakness was getting me nowhere and i remained constantly hurting. so when things started to happen with my ex i was delighted, because he's a relationship kind of person, and a very solid person, or so i thought.

anway, it wasnt a long relationship but i was in love for the first time in three years, i put all i had into it. he said it was nothing i did or said, nothing to do with me, but he had to break up because of all the life decisions he was making (whether or not to go to australia etc) and seemingly i was in the way of the decision making. fair enough. but why this cruel callousness now?

this is what i cannot get over.

argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

Nalz

Silent Grape wrote:

argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

Its over ratted Silent Grape, I found the best thing that came out of my crappy situation is that I became a lads lad again. Got to see all the matches, went out for pints again and just enjoyed bein single. Still am, not too pushed on the whole lookin for women scene...jus havin a laugh!

Kell

Silent Grape wrote:

argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

You dont. Trust me. I am sure you are pretty and lots of people probably want you too.

K-

Merry Christmas.

Aura

If it happens, it happens and enjoy it but don't expect it to make everything else go away.

Kimbot

Clean break is best!!

Drift

Silent Grape wrote:

argh i just need to kiss someone else to feel pretty and wanted again!

Be careful though because if its just some randomer you may feel used and slutty instead of pretty and wanted. That being said, if you find someone nice, then why not!

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

is it true that to get over someone you should quickly get under someone else?

Works for some people and not for others.

Talliesin

Yeah, pretty much everyone is saying that it might work and it might not.

I'd take whether at least part of you is thinking "well, at least I can go out and have a shag/do that thing I like doing he didn't like/screw someone that's better at it/etc." then it's more likely to work for you.

If what you're looking for isn't actually sex then it's more likely to not work for you.

Silent Grape

you mean if im looking for more than sex, like a relationship?

Talliesin

I mean if you're looking to feel pretty and wanted.

spudington16

Aoife-FM104 wrote:

Having sex with someone else definitely takes your mind off things! In my opinion, and experience, it does work. The key is not to develop a relationship with the other person, but to use the sex as a kind of ego boost/distraction.

I would only do it if you are finding it difficult to cope. Otherwise, it's probably healthier to spend the few weeks grieving.

PM me if you want more intimate details!!

With all due respect, that's possibly the worst advice you could have given, Aoife. Only a total lack of self esteem would make sleeping with someone else to get over the end of a relationship seem a good idea. Can't believe you were seriosuly suggesting that. :eek:

Nalz

Beetlebum wrote:

on. I found it so hard to accept the fact that it was over and I acted abit crazy. I sent him a few desperate emails and he wouldn't even respond. I had a few one night stands and felt empty and cheap afterwards. I drank almost every night and sent him upset and angry text messages. It's fair to say that it was rough!

Bored in work, I just read that there now...are you the female version of me? Jaysus you'd swear I wrote that. Exactly what happened to me.

akw_old

Silent Grape wrote:

thanks everyone.
but why this cruel callousness now?

this is what i cannot get over.

i'd say thats cos he is hurting too. its good that you threw everything into the relationship. you didnt do anything wrong, its been his decision, nad by how nice you sound most likely his mistake too.

he's going to australia in February. i dont see the need to break up with you now and not enjoy christmas. what was the big problem anyway, could he not do long distance.

basically sounds like you got lucky to get out in a way. you will get over it. i'm finally over my ex now in the last month or so. just take a bit of time. i did find doing exercise a big help, swimming helps, and any thing you could with your mates like jogging.

you'll be fine in time. and you'll meet someone better in time too.

Aoife-FM104

spudington16 wrote:

With all due respect, that's possibly the worst advice you could have given, Aoife. Only a total lack of self esteem would make sleeping with someone else to get over the end of a relationship seem a good idea. Can't believe you were seriosuly suggesting that. :eek:

But only if you think sex is degrading or "special" etc.

There are lots of people who don't think like you, and are able to have sex because it's fun.

Talliesin

No, you can think sex is the most wonderful thing in the world, be very happy with your previous 1,342 sexual partners and still not be in a place where it would be a good idea.

Or for that matter the OP could well think that sex is degrading or "special" (how did you manage to get that into the same breath).

OP, prudes like this will always be there to tell us what to do sexually, but it generally isn't very useful. Working out what your own sexuality is about, and how to best express it and nurture it in a given situation is.

Aoife-FM104

Talliesin wrote:

No, you can think sex is the most wonderful thing in the world, be very happy with your previous 1,342 sexual partners and still not be in a place where it would be a good idea.

Yes, she asked is it a good idea, and the answer is "it works for some people and it doesn't work for others".

You can't just say it's a bad idea.

Talliesin wrote:

OP, prudes like this will always be there to tell us what to do sexually, but it generally isn't very useful. Working out what your own sexuality is about, and how to best express it and nurture it in a given situation is.

LOL, you are trying to suggest I'm a prude? Because I think everyone is different when it comes to sex, and because I happen to think sex is not "special" or degrading or whatever people with sex issues think?

Weird logic...

LundiMardi

If you need to have sex to make yourself feel better then IN MY OPINION that certainly doesn't say much for your self esteem or self respect. Being a prude doesn't even come into the aquation.

Sex doesn't have to be special, it feels good and it's fun.. You do it because it feels good and it's fun, not because you're feeling down or unwanted or ugly.

Aoife-FM104

Using that logic, anything she does to make herself feel better doesn't say much for her self esteem or self respect.

Unless you do actually consider sex to be something special...?

Nevyn

Some people will look to sleep with someone else so that the last person thaty kissed ect is not thier ex, it can be done to put in some distance.

Please keep your posts peritant and on topic.
There is another forum for the disscussion of sex and sexuality.

Silent Grape

hi everyone, thanks again for all the support and replies,

i was asked out on a 'date' for tonight but no, if ive only been crying about him this morning then im in no state to even consider someone else. i wake up and he's my first thought, and of course i go to sleep thinking of him.

i think he has a lot of his own stuff to deal with, and i agree thats why he's being so cold, but he doesnt have to be so uncooperative when it comes to something simple like getting my books back.

im heartbroken, and he's actively making it harder for me. but i think im making it harder too by contacting him. beetlebum is right, no contact is the only way to go. everytime i talk to him or get a text from him, of course it wont be the way it was before, and it sets me back another week of moving on.

this is my plan of action, let me know if you think its a good one:
its kind of a perk me up mission, but as i cant talk about these things to my familly very much, no one knows about it but me!

-im going clothes shopping with my sister later today

-im getting my hair done tomorrow spending the day researching an essay

-im going to the work christmas party tomorrow night with an open mind about a boy i kind of like being there.

-on saturday im getting my books back from dan but there will be no contact. he'll either drop them up to my house, or ill pick them up from outside his house. i want either that we meet up and properly talk, or nothing. i dont want small talk leaving me feel worse. so we will either have a proper conversation on saturday, or nothing at all. either way i have to protect myself for christmas so i can have a semblance of a nice time.

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

it seems like as soon as he was aware of how into the relationship we were, he freaked out.

i am not going near another man for a long time. i'm going on erasmus to italy in february anyway, so if anything happens it will always be on a bit of fun basis. i was so ready for a relationship, and its been cut short. its killing me. this pain isnt worth it for the length of the relationship.

now i feel strong now, but on friday night i could be weak and desperate, but im going to do my best to be good, fun, company to my work friends, do my college work, try to imagine him being there on christmas day and new years eve, and keep busy.

i completely respect everyone i know who has been broken up with tenfold now. its so tough.

Nalz

Silent Grape wrote:

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

You have to stop doin that to yourself, you dont have 5 questions for him. This is tough, and regardless of how you feel or what you think you have move on...get over it completely. Snapping out of it is hard, but you know that you wont be miserable forever over this, and time is a healer so why not speed up time a little bit by concentrating on you. Sure you can cry and feel down, but avoid contact with him and hold your head up high. I wish I did that instead of making a complete muppet of myself. I still have some small liccle feelins for my ex. She was my first real relationship and I wont forget her, regardless of what happened after breakup and how we dont get on now. But having said that its crucial for you to be thinking of yourself, and how you can stay positive and make this shítty situation better.

Jumpy

Silent Grape wrote:

hi everyone, thanks again for all the support and replies,

i was asked out on a 'date' for tonight but no, if ive only been crying about him this morning then im in no state to even consider someone else. i wake up and he's my first thought, and of course i go to sleep thinking of him.

i think he has a lot of his own stuff to deal with, and i agree thats why he's being so cold, but he doesnt have to be so uncooperative when it comes to something simple like getting my books back.

im heartbroken, and he's actively making it harder for me. but i think im making it harder too by contacting him. beetlebum is right, no contact is the only way to go. everytime i talk to him or get a text from him, of course it wont be the way it was before, and it sets me back another week of moving on.

this is my plan of action, let me know if you think its a good one:
its kind of a perk me up mission, but as i cant talk about these things to my familly very much, no one knows about it but me!

-im going clothes shopping with my sister later today

-im getting my hair done tomorrow spending the day researching an essay

-im going to the work christmas party tomorrow night with an open mind about a boy i kind of like being there.

-on saturday im getting my books back from dan but there will be no contact. he'll either drop them up to my house, or ill pick them up from outside his house. i want either that we meet up and properly talk, or nothing. i dont want small talk leaving me feel worse. so we will either have a proper conversation on saturday, or nothing at all. either way i have to protect myself for christmas so i can have a semblance of a nice time.

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

it seems like as soon as he was aware of how into the relationship we were, he freaked out.

i am not going near another man for a long time. i'm going on erasmus to italy in february anyway, so if anything happens it will always be on a bit of fun basis. i was so ready for a relationship, and its been cut short. its killing me. this pain isnt worth it for the length of the relationship.

now i feel strong now, but on friday night i could be weak and desperate, but im going to do my best to be good, fun, company to my work friends, do my college work, try to imagine him being there on christmas day and new years eve, and keep busy.

i completely respect everyone i know who has been broken up with tenfold now. its so tough.

Right. As someone still grieving after 8 months AND in another relationship, lets answer a few of those.

why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?

He didnt, its never just one day, and I am pretty sure hes freaking out almost as much as you are. Dont take this the wrong way, he is freaking out from guilt, it doesnt mean you can push him back into it.

why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?

I got this too, I cant answer it, things change.

why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?

Because he has been thinking of telling you for a while, he couldnt answer you without lying, so he had to answer you truthfully and end it.

why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?

See previous answer.

why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

I also got this, friends of hers told me she was a mess as well, it was that she didnt want to give me false hope. Which is smart in some ways, but very inconsiderate.

If you do want to sleep around, then there is no shame in it, just MAKE SURE the other person doesnt want a relationship, rebounds do not work, you cant replace him in such a short time, and unless its his twin you are going to judge him on the wrong scale, people are not the same, but the only thing it is going to give you is the feeling of "Yeah! I have still got it" you wont get much satisfaction.

As a really good friend told me "For a while you are not going to rate girls on a scale of 1 to 10, you will judge them on a scale of 1 to *insert girlfriends name here*"

Silent Grape

he was being perfectly normal , calling me the names he has for me on the same day, texting me 'hey kitten, hows the head? ill call you later' etc etc. it was only after the argument on the phone that he said maybe we should break up , he promised me he hadnt been thinking about it longer than that, and i believe him. but i do appreciate what you said jumpy, and thankyou for the advice

spudington16

Aoife-FM104 wrote:

But only if you think sex is degrading or "special" etc.

There are lots of people who don't think like you, and are able to have sex because it's fun.

I wasn't for a second suggesting sex is either degrading or "special", as you put it; nor do I believe it. However it is undoubtable that anyone - especially females (no offence, but let's be frank) and perhaps men also - can entirely seperate themselves emotionally from sex, even if they claim it's just "for fun", as you suggest.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

To answer your original question, I think getting under someone else will help you get over someone else in some respects & is the worst thing you can do in other respects.

If you want to feel like you have lots of opportunities, that you can see/be with other men, that you have a lot of fun & excitement still to have - then having sex with a man you find attractive, even while grieving the end of your relationship can be a great thing to help you move on. However, it may remind you of how a warm body snuggled up to you feels, how those arms around your waist will never again be Y's, how this man smells/moves/has sex/etc differently to your ex bf & it may accentuate everything that you are/will miss about him.

To answer your other post...

i have five questions for him:
why did he not give breaking up with me more thought than one day?
why did he speak of and make me think of the future so much?
why did he break up with me on the only day in our whole relationship when i told him that i needed him?
why couldnt we have enjoyed christmas together as he was leaving in a few weeks anyway?
why has he been so harsh and unhelpful since we broke up? if it truely wasnt about me, surely he'd be more caring about how i am afterwards

I have a question for you. Does it matter? The bottom line is he wanted out of the relationship & I don't think torturing yourself with questions as to why, where & how makes any odds. Accept he just did & the best thing for you is to cut off contact (even for a few months) to get over him. Whether sleeping with someone else will help you to do that is a question only you can answer. Best of luck.

easyontheeye

i suppose for a bloke getting under some is always the best way! lol