Am I the only one...?

LegacyUser

OK, here's the real question - I'm male, and bisexual (not just bicurious - I've enjoyed full sexual relations with men and women). I'm in a long term relationship now with a wonderful woman but I've been 'unfaithful' several times, each time with a man.

I've put the word unfaithful in inverted commas because, to me, it doesn't feel like I'm being unfaithful when it's a guy. But I do seem to have this need for male sexual contact that I can't deny and that my g/f can't provide. My only real problem is the effect it might have if she found out, how hurt she would feel, etc. She's openminded and wouldn't have a problem with the sexuality involved, but she'd probably feel betrayed.

I love this woman, I enjoy heterosexual sex as much, if not more than, homosexual sex and I am not in denial, but occasionally I also love a masculine body too.

Does anyone relate to this? has anyone found themselves in the same situation? has anyone found a 'solution'?

Vinnie69

No, you're not the only one. Not my scene but I had a good friend who was in this situation. I was his best man at his wedding (I didn't know of his secret private life until years later) and it all ended in a nasty way years later.

I make no judgement on what you are doing but you are playing with fire, my friend!

Only you know what the solution is for you.

azezil

unregbi wrote:

I've put the word unfaithful in inverted commas because, to me, it doesn't feel like I'm being unfaithful when it's a guy.

*boggle*

Boston

unregbi wrote:

openminded and wouldn't have a problem with the sexuality involved, but she'd probably feel betrayed...

...I am not in denial

If she wouldn't care, than why lie to her? denial tbh.

Goodshape

I take it he means the good woman doesn't (or wouldn't?) have a problem with his sexuality, but would probably like none-to-much the fact that he's been sleeping around. There is a difference surely.

Decisions to be made, OP. I think the right thing to do would be to explain to the girlfriend what you've explained to us. No guarantee that won't end in tears as it is, but at the moment your just prolonging that, being dishonest, and potentially making it a lot worse.

Regardless of what you think of the situation (that it "doesn't feel like I'm being unfaithful when it's a guy"), while you're supposedly going out with someone else there's two of you involved.

LegacyUser

I love my bf too bits. But for the life of me I can't stay faithful. I've cheated on boys with girls and boy. Not that many girl. He hates it but he puts up with it. It's just sex with the others and I love him. Some ppl come to arangments with there partners. How open minded is she.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice folks. My g/f is very openminded (her previous partner was a woman). I do think she'd have a problem with me having sex with anyone else regardless of gender so I think that's something I have to deal with (i've even considered asking her to wear a strap-on!).

Just to qualify what I meant when I said it doesn't feel like I'm being unfaithful... when I'm with a man, it's purely for sex and I'm getting something my girlfriend can't give me - so it somewhow feels less unfaithful - I'm not seeking to replace her, simply experience a wider range of sexual activity. Small consolation to her I'm sure! but that's the way it feels to me.

Also, I think her main trust issue would be risks associated with STIs, i.e. whether she could trust me to always platy safe etc. She has worked in the past with a Gay Men's health project, so she knows we're all horndogs...

I can see there's no convenient solution but thanks for all the input...

Phenobarbidoll

I've been in relationships with several bi people, as well as being bi myself. If it's just a casual thing and you both know it, then fair enough, but once it becomes an actual fully-fledged relationship, then you owe it to your partner to keep it in your pants. It doesn't matter if you're going off and shagging another man or another woman, it's still being unfaithful, and *that* she will have a problem with, I guarantee.

Saying "I'm Bi, I have needs they can't fulfill" doesn't cut it. Bisexuality is not an excuse to have your way with other people behind your partners back. If you're in a monogamous relationship, it shouldn't matter whether you're with a man or a woman - you're with that person. If you're going to go off and shag other people, have the decency to dump the girl first.

trawingtroll

I say work out a deal. Monogamy isn't the only way. But if you don't tell her it means you have something to hind.

Shellie13

Personally I wouldn't care about the gender cheating is cheating...BUT...I do know of other bi couples who've had a "samesex dosent count" agreement, And the strap on...kinky...hey if that'd do it for you-go for it!

Also you mentioned STIs ARE you being careful...Imagine the blowup if yu infect her due to your selfish "needs"....

qwertyphobia

Talk to her about it. You shouldn't need strangers on the net to tell you it's the right thing to do. It will all come out sooner or later anyway so have some balls and bring it up yourself.

I say it will come out at some point, because if you are stupid enough to name the small place where she worked in the past, Which frankly narrows it down to less then one handfull of people, I douth you will be able to keep the fact that you are regularly shagging other people a secert from her for long.

Beruthiel

unregbi wrote:

Just to qualify what I meant when I said it doesn't feel like I'm being unfaithful... when I'm with a man, it's purely for sex and I'm getting something my girlfriend can't give me - so it somewhow feels less unfaithful - I'm not seeking to replace her, simply experience a wider range of sexual activity. Small consolation to her I'm sure! but that's the way it feels to me.

How it 'feels' to you is not the issue here. It's how it feels to her. The fact that you are not willing to discuss this with her means you know she will not agree. If she will not agree, then as far as she is concerned, it's cheating. You can dress it up how ever you like, if she's not happy, it's cheating.
I suggest you either discuss this with her or finish the relationship and find yourself someone of a like mind. She deserves better imo.

Hmm_Messiah

I woould not like to be in a relationship with a person who doesn't consider being physically intimate with another person as cheating/unfaithful.

I have though cheated on people, the difference I guess is i called it that and I told them. I understand the idea of it being "because of somethign your partner can't give you" but when I've thought seriously about it I think thats a load of cr*p. it doesn't matte rwhat your sexuality or orientation is - when having sex withone person you are giving up on a who possibility of things - what it would be like with some one more endowed, younger, slimmer, older etc etc

I doubt most peope pick a longterm partner solely on the basis of they meetign every sexual need, I'd expect they meet many, are compatibable and other things swing it - other things maybe a little more substantial in seeing people in their "wholeness".

Its godo I guess that you see some contradiction. As for a solution ? Determine what is important to you, what is real, significant and fulfilling - put all your enegry there. And if there are lapses in that effort, thats life.

He hates it but he puts up with it. It's just sex with the others and I love him.

You love this person, you know this person hates your behaviour but your need to have sex is greater than your need to honour and cherish and care for your partner ?

Very evolved.

Sex as just a physical thing is fine ( damn its fun), but IMHO when you care for some one it becomes also an expression of that love in a real and overwhelming sense - to not experience sex at that level is sad i think .

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice! I've tried to exert some form of self control lately and that seems to work... I kinda realise I have to make a choice here.

qwertyphobia wrote:

I say it will come out at some point, because if you are stupid enough to name the small place where she worked in the past, Which frankly narrows it down to less then one handfull of people, I douth you will be able to keep the fact that you are regularly shagging other people a secert from her for long.

@ qwerty: sorry, but I'm not that stoopid - I said she'd worked for a gay mens health project (an outfit concerned with the health of gay men, in the UK btw). I hadn't realised there was something actually called The Gay Mens Health Project here in Dublin. FFS, I've probably set off all sorts of rumours now...

unreggd

unregbi wrote:

I love this woman, I enjoy heterosexual sex as much, if not more than, homosexual sex and I am not in denial, but occasionally I also love a masculine body too.

If you love your gf emotionally and physically, why do you crave something less fulfilling????