Why arent things simple?

dceire

I'm looking for some advice on the tricky situation I find myself in with a female friend of mine.

When I started back in college in September a new girl joined the course & I instantly fancied her. About a month into the college year, after we had become quite friendly with each other, we got together at the end of a night out shortly after she "split" with her boyfriend of a year. From then until now we have been spending a lot of time together in college & texting each other constantly at weekends etc when she goes home (she lives a good hours drive from me)

Anyway she's back with her boyfriend who she actually had a row with & did not break up with. I really like her and want to continue seeing her like we have been doing but don’t want to be the "other guy" because i hate people who cheat in relationships and it wouldn’t be particularly fair on the boyfriend.

Ideally i would like for us to be an official couple, as we are considered by all our college mates, but the distance factor would make it very difficult along with the whole trust thing (she claims to be completely against cheating)

I dunno, I’m just very confused at the moment and need to get it off my chest!

Caliden

Learn to drive, make a effort to see her when she goes home.
I'm sure your parents could let you use their car from time to time.

Ruu_Old

She is in a relationship and that is the end of it, you don't have any right to interfere. Your point about distance, it won't matter if you want something to work out. You both would have to work at it though.

aidan_walsh

the distance factor would make it very difficult

As someone who knows, an hours drive is bloody well nothing if you're serious about wanting to see someone.

As for the rest, talk to her about it, see what she's looking for from you.

dceire

I may have put that wrong, i dont mean distnce a such as i do drive & have no problim making the trip over but being students we both work pretty much all day saturday and sunday until late so we've feck all time to see each other.

My main issue is the boyfriend "obviously" she's with him at the moment and continues to see me during college. I dont want to stop seeing her but at the same time i dont want to be the "other guy" as i said before.

Odaise Gaelach

Ruu wrote:

She is in a relationship and that is the end of it, you don't have any right to interfere.

I agree with Ruu.

Cake Fiend

dceire wrote:

I dont want to stop seeing her but at the same time i dont want to be the "other guy" as i said before.

So what do you want from us? You've just spelt out the two choices you have, pick the one you think is best. Things are simple.

secret_squirrel

Then its simple.

If you arent prepared to be the other man, then you have to give her an ultimatum.

If you think you are worth her being with you exclusively, then you have to ask her to make the choice.

Be prepared to get dumped though. At the moment she is having her cake and eating it.....

~nop~

Are you sure she really likes you and that shes not just being friends with you. Like are you kissing or acting coupley and stuff? If not, you're just friends. If you are, then she is cheating on her boyfriend and you are assisting in this, making you "the other guy".

If you have any respect for yourself get out now before you get hurt, or else at least make sure she really likes you and is willing to get rid of the boyfriend. None of the time or distance stuff matters until you are actually together you know.

Black Swan

dceire wrote:

Anyway she's back with her boyfriend who she actually had a row with & did not break up with. I really like her and want to continue seeing her like we have been doing but don’t want to be the "other guy" because i hate people who cheat in relationships and it wouldn’t be particularly fair on the boyfriend.

Ideally i would like for us to be an official couple, as we are considered by all our college mates, but the distance factor would make it very difficult along with the whole trust thing (she claims to be completely against cheating)

I dunno, I’m just very confused at the moment and need to get it off my chest!

OK, it's good to vent every now and then... That's normal. But surely you don't expect us to help you break up a couple?

Mighty_Mouse

You just need to tell her.
"I dont wanna do this if you're gonna get laid at home on weekends by your ex too"

Get an honest answer. Tell her that you don't mind just ending things. The balls in her court but you better be able to trust her once she's made her decision.

dceire

~nop~ wrote:

Are you sure she really likes you and that shes not just being friends with you. Like are you kissing or acting coupley and stuff? If not, you're just friends. If you are, then she is cheating on her boyfriend and you are assisting in this, making you "the other guy".

I am the other guy then but a the moment that’s just because i didn’t know about him until yesterday, although i had my suspicions before then i just dismissed them as paranoia.

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Get an honest answer. Tell her that you don't mind just ending things. The balls in her court but you better be able to trust her once she's made her decision.

I know this is what i have to do face to face with her but if she dose decide to be with me the whole trust thing comes into play. She had no problem lying to me about her boyfriend and vice-versa. As i said i really like her but whats a relationship without total trust?

psilocin

Now now, there are plenty of simpletons among us. You know who you are...

_blank_

dceire wrote:

whats a relationship without total trust?

Not a relationship.

~nop~

dceire wrote:

I am the other guy then but a the moment that’s just because i didn’t know about him until yesterday, although i had my suspicions before then i just dismissed them as paranoia.


I know this is what i have to do face to face with her but if she dose decide to be with me the whole trust thing comes into play. She had no problem lying to me about her boyfriend and vice-versa. As i said i really like her but whats a relationship without total trust?

Sounds like she's messing you around man. Sorry but I'd get away now.

BobTheBeat

Well, if you really like her, lay it in stone for her; either you are her boyfriend or your not. You are not prepared to go behind someone's back and make an eejit out of them. Do not compromise on this.

If your relationship comes out on top, then raise your concern about trust with her. Tell her everything you've spoken about here and make sure you are completely satisfied with what she has to say about it.

Dont continue this any longer until its sorted out.

Slutmonkey57b

she's using you while you're convenient in case things break up with the boyfriend. You're her dick-in-a-glass-box as Chris Rock said. Tell her to either stop using you or dump the boyfriend.

Rb

Give her an ultimatum, something along the lines of "him or me", she can't have both afterall and shes messing around with both of you.

Re: Distance, should never be an obstruction if two people want a relationship, its only a problem if you make it one.

Good luck with it.

dceire

ok well i've finally bit the bullet & talked to her today about it & shes told me the following:

She's not back with her boyfriend but is freinds with him and dosent really know whats happening with him & has told him about me.

She has had a rough year & told me she didnt want to drag me into it so its just a case of wait and see for the moment i guess.

democrates

dceire wrote:

ok well i've finally bit the bullet & talked to her today about it & shes told me the following:

She's not back with her boyfriend but is freinds with him and dosent really know whats happening with him & has told him about me.

Bullsh1t answer, "doesn't really know what's happening with him" - she's still keeping her options open and has made no commitment to you.

"Still friends" is particularly delusional when it comes to her ex bf, but also devious to classify him as such because it's an attempt to counter any demand you may make for her not to be seeing him because you can't tell her not to see any friend. You've got to insist that their historical relationship means he can never be classified as just a friend, and you are entitled to expect her to avoid "the occasion of sin".

dceire wrote:

She has had a rough year & told me she didnt want to drag me into it so its just a case of wait and see for the moment i guess.

Rough year. Carte blanche? Doesn't give her the right to f two guys around and cause them rough years.

"didnt want to drag me into it" is another way of saying she's not recognising your interest as important enough to effect her and her ex, and also that you have no right to interfere.

You were obviously your usual understanding self and didn't give her the ultimatum. This one needs a strong man to make her get her act together, if you are that man, be that man, it'll be better for her too.

But if you wait and see and let her walk all over you, then you're allowing yourself to be a doormat and saying goodbye to her ever having enough respect for you to consider you viable for a serious commitment.

Rb

I agree with what democrates said.

Give her the ultimatum and don't be afraid that she might pick him over you, stand up for yourself and get the straight answer.