bad bad situation....

Sm0ke

this is one of those situations destined for a greeting card, i walked up stairs at 11 to check on my "darling" 3 year old. i found her in her mothers room and the whole place was in dissaray. every single present that my gf had bought everyone had been ripped open ripped apart and some cant even be replaced. i flipped out didnt know what to do and after shouting at her eye level i sent her to bed, then i didnt know if that was the right option so i went back and demanded she help the cleanup, she did so with a bowed head. the next part was the biggest problem.i live in my girlfriends house with her parents, we get on well and i have only moved in a week or so ago. my little girls grandad came, berated me in front of her, berated "granny" and picked up tha little one and brought her down stairs for a cuddle, my protests felt on completly deaf ears. so now im seething for what just happened. i dont know what to do im in a daze (u cud probably tell from the way im writing!). this happening with me only freshly here is bad enough, but the way the grandad carries on i know im going to be overuled and undermined whenever he decides whats best for my daughter. im only 22 and admittedly unsure as to what the best things to do are. punishment wise i dont know what to do and the situation was escalated by his interference to such an extent that its made something spiral completely out of control. hes not the type of person who would talk things out and im really really lost as to what to do (my girlfriend has been in work during all of this so i didnt have her here to help me)

if anyone can offer me any advice on anything i wrote about could they please reply

squire1

Maybe grandad was right. I'm not trying to have a go at you but it sounds like you overreacted with your little girl. "Flipping out", "shouting" and changing you mind about punishment is no way to deal with a three year old child. You probably just frightened her rather than thought her a lesson.

Now, slap on the wrist over, you are indeed in a pickle of a situation. In my situation, granny and grandads are there to spoil grand kids, that is what they do. You can never stop it, they are relentless. Saying that, we do not live with them and in your situation the grandparents should really be treating the little girl like a daughter rather than a grand-daughter if you know what I mean. With the support of you g/f you should be able to explain to grandad that spoiling a child, no matter how much he wants to, will do her no favours in the end. It is also important for all adults in the house to be seen to be consistant with how they deal with the child or she will soon learn how to play you off against each other.

Best of luck with it, now off shopping with you to replace those presents.

Beruthiel

Sm0ke wrote:

if anyone can offer me any advice on anything i wrote about could they please reply

Might I recommend you doing a parenting course? I did one when my daughter was two and I found it a great help on how to discipline without loosing my temper or slapping. It worked a pure treat for me.

As for the grandfather interfering, I can see why he would have but he was incorrect in his approach.
If he had a problem, he should have taken you aside to discuss it with you instead of undermining your authority as a parent.
Remember that grand parents look at their kids and believe that they know nothing yet. In a lot of ways they are right, in most cases the older you are, the more you know through experience. He has to remember that he was also young once and would have been the same as yourself.
You are a brave man living with in-laws, I'd rather live in a one room bedsit then do that. I would go as far as saying if there is anyway you can move, do it.
At the end of the day, kids are kids, she saw the prezzies, of course she was going to open them!! They should never have been left where she could get her hands on them. It's not her fault that they were. You have to understand that this is what kids do.

Gurgle

Sm0ke wrote:

my little girls grandad came, berated me in front of her, berated "granny" and picked up tha little one and brought her down stairs for a cuddle, my protests felt on completly deaf ears. so now im seething for what just happened.

You have to assert your position.

If you let this kind of shit go on, you'll never be happy as a parent, and your little girl will grow up knowing that when she misbehaves and gets into trouble she can go running to grandad and he'll put you in your place.

We had the same rubbish from my mother for a couple of years after my eldest son was born. You couldn't give out to the child without her jumping in making excuses, she'd be feeding him chocolate while you were cooking dinner, she would interrupt you or answer for him all the time. Even though I never took it lying down, it still took a couple of years to get it through to her that I was a parent not a child and parenting decisions were mine to make.

Of course you should be consistant with punishments, never lose your head, don't make empty threats and stick to what you say, but that takes time to get right and it is certainly not the child's grandad's place to step in when he thinks you're doing it wrong.

As Beruthial said, you need your own place ASAFP

embee

I think Beruthiels idea of a parenting course is a great idea... They teach you all sorts, like ways to control your temper, ways to find inner patience. My aunt did one, and her "terrible" little 2 year old suddenly turned into an angel.

Sm0ke wrote:

im only 22 and admittedly unsure as to what the best things to do are. punishment wise

Your age doesn't matter tbh. You and your girlfriend are the people who will ultimately decide what punishment your daughter should get. I think perhaps shouting at her wasn't the right course of events - any 3 year old who finds a big pile of presents around Christmastime is going to find it very hard to resist diving right in - but I think you were on the right track getting her to help clear it up. You are showing her that actions have consequences.

You should apologise to your daughter for shouting, but still explain that those presents weren't for her and thats why you were upset. Don't tell her you were "angry" - its a pretty scary word to some kids. Tell her it upset you because her Mammy went to a lot of bother wrapping them up.

Don't worry about it too much - you and your girlfriend will be able to sit down and have a talk about this, and between ye, ye can decide what is right for your little one. As for extended family interference? Well, I'm afraid thats par for the course. I live with my parents, and my Mam is contstantly telling me how to raise my 10 month old daughter. At first, it really annoyed me, but now, unless she has any decent advice, its in one ear and out the other.

jimmycrackcorm

It's the OP's job to be the parent not the grandfather. Find an opportunity to speak to Grandad and simply say that it is not in the child's interest to have conflicting messages from the adults. Regardless of whether he agrees with your reaction or not you are the childs parent.

crosstownk

Ultimately, the best situation is to move out and have your family unit as an independent identity. If this is not possible, then you need to assert things with the grandparents on where the core family unit stands notwithstanding the fact that you are living in their house. Not easy, I agree, but if handled correctly, it could help rectify the situation.

run_Forrest_run

in my opinion I feel the granddad was wrong to interfere. yes, perhaps you went a little overboard but she is your little girl and you are the dad so your rules must apply. maybe speak to the granddad and say that you would prefer to be given some respect and privacy when dealing with your daughter...of course granddads will spoil the lil ones...that's what they are there for but at the end of the day you are her dad and what you say goes. Maybe in the future you could change the way you react but interfering granddads have to step back. best of luck, my lil one is only 11 months and I have a funny feeling I will be in for a bucket load of similar surprises with my little miss!

TempestSabre

Personally I don't think shouting is a good idea. Though we're all human. A parenting course is a good idea. You might find better ways to deal with the situation. A 3yr doesn't have that much sense. That said the grandad is not right to step in like that, it undermines you, and its your child not his. But as your under his roof you've all got to compromise. A grandparent is generally very soft on a grandchild, usually they spoil them, so you have to expect that. I'd say cool off give it 24 hrs and then reflect on what happened.