Cyber affair - overreacting

moto2006

First of all, apologies for the (very) long post! I just want to get someone else's opinions on this and sorry if it makes no sense in places.

I'm married about a year. Six months ago, I caught my OH emailing another girl. I was out, came home, called him and walked into the room where we have our computer and he was writing a mail to someone starting off "Hiya sexy How're tricks". Now, I kind of was a bit, who you onto and I swear, I never saw such a fast Ctrl+alt+del in my life and he killed the session. Then he was all, no-one, I don't have a hotmail account, what are you talking about? So I kind of thought, that is really weird but he was so no, no no and I really did trust him that I thought, no, its me must be going mental (I tend to be jealous so have to watch myself that I don't make mountains out of molehills). So that was grand, left it go for a little bit but the next day I was going back over it and I thought, I know what I saw. He lied about it, saying he didn't have a hotmail account, I'm a bit mad but not that crazy! & there might be an explanation for it but I definitely deserve to hear it. (maybe its an old friend he has a bit of a flirt with and knew I'd be cross, or maybe its something a bit more but tried not to work myself up into knots about it) To be honest, at this point I thought if there was anything to it he'd have opened up a new window when he heard me call him, kind of assumed he'd be a bit sneakier about it if up to no good!
So he came in from work and I said look we need to talk, yada yada, and he said he had been emailing these three girls (one in particular) for the past 3-4 months pretty much every day and exchanging fantasies etc with them.
Now, as it goes I realise a cyber affair isn't the same as a real one but my problem is that he was mailing the same three girls and formed a bit of a connection with them rather then put the effort into our relationship -I'd have less of a problem if it was all randomers if that makes sense. That's part of it, the other part is a lot of times he blew me off to stay in and surf the net and I feel that he was more interested in his cyber buddies then me. The biggest bit for me is that he had a hidden part of his life and I am unsure now of what else he may have hidden.
Once (about a year ago so before we were married) I was heading off out of the country for a weekend and I got a text about an hour before I left from him saying "Are we still on to meet up tonight" (I had gone into get takeaway food and had just left him about 10min ago and was on way back) and when I said it to him, first he said it was for his boss, then he said it was for me and he was just trying to get me guessing (?) and then he said it was for me and he wanted to know was he to drop me to the airport.. Now I think that is really suss BUT he had never before done anything to make me doubt him and I didn't and still don't think you can hang someone over something, that although weird, might be true when its just a one off. Now that this has come up, he is sticking with the official party line that it was for me and about the airport. I realise that maybe its true - bit of leap from email flirting to actually going meeting - but I am all up in a tizzy and not sure which way is up.
I don't mind anyone having a bit of a fantasy life - mmm Prison Break... - as long as it stops there! It's the emotional connection he seems to have formed that upsets me more so the possibility that he has come clean only on what he has been caught on.
Now, we've been in marriage counselling and it's very good. However by it's nature it non directional and I'd really appreciate some other perspectives. I think my biggest problem is figuring out how to trust him again. I mean, sometimes I'd cheerfully kill him and do the time on the off chance he's lying to me now but generally I believe him & if what he has told me is the truth then he is doing a lot to make it &now its out their we can look at why he did it but if there was more to it then ....he's still lying and to be honest I don't think I could forgive that and am really hurt by it all and a bit afraid of taking that chance that I'll be hurt more again in the future. I think I have to take it on faith he is telling the truth - hot poker treatment is probably not a great idea - but if anyone has experience or advice it would be much appreciated. Maybe I am completly over reacting I just feel really hurt and angry and I realise the he is too (unless he is one of the best actors ever!) but I don't want either of us to feel like that. If I thought I couldnt forgive him I wouldn't have stayed but forgetting is proving a bit harder

Thanks for reading

garthv

Ever heard of paragraphs?

Sounds to me like your man is cheating on you lass, dont defend him.

humanji

He's acting hurt because you caught him. He's cheating on you IMO. And the emailing of randomers on the net isn't harmless. It's more emotional as he's connecting with them. You can do better than him, because you'll never be able to trust him (and you'll have good reason not to!).

Nalz

Gotta agree here. Jaysus is ther any decent people left in the world? Trilla would never do that (waits for pm's to flow in from all the hot female boardsies!). But seriously, this guy is playing away from home at home, and that aint good. You do as said deserve better.

easyontheeye

theres too much temptation and lust in the world!!!! :rolleyes:

bp

did you tell you that you make moutains out of moehills??? i dont believe a word of that text.......yeah right he was texting you when you were off to the chinese! also he just doesnt have a hotmail account and not tell you about it..........you are married and i am sure you email him from time to time and he omits this fact!

i would consider having a cyber affair as pretty close to cheating.....so he has be 'talking' to these three girls about his fantasy and not his own wife! come on!!!!

as the others have said - you deserve better!

justsomebloke

ye have to agree with the others and say that it sounds like he is cheating and by sneaking around and doing it without wanting you do know about it, i'd say that he considers it cheating aswell

miamee

jsb wrote:

ye have to agree with the others and say that it sounds like he is cheating and by sneaking around and doing it without wanting you do know about it, i'd say that he considers it cheating aswell

I'd say you've hit the nail on the head there. If he thinks thre is nothing wrong/going on then why is he hiding it from you, pretending he hasn't got a hotmail account when you clearly saw onscreen that he did?

Whether or not he has met with these 3 ladies is irrelevant, if he favours spending time with them online rather than spending time with you then it is a serious problem. Maybe you could bring this up in the next marriage counselling session? Or with him personally?

shinners007

His definately a liar,good actor and a most of all a cheat.

Do you honestly think he would have said anything about emailing others if you hadnt caught him in the act. even when you did catch him he lied
before telling the truth.
and brushing you off to go emailing other women just as bad as having an affair so it is.

He then sent that texted and lied again, i mean come on.
how can you ever trust or belive this guy again.
marriage or no marriage you deserve better than this guy.

as for the marriage counselling if probably thinks its
a way for you to focus on love and good parts of ur marriage
etc.. and then in time he'll go back to
having his cake and eating it!!

Talliesin

moto2006 wrote:

I realise a cyber affair isn't the same as a real one

And a mule isn't the same as a horse, but they can both have a mean kick.

Just how much a cyber affair is or isn't comparable to a physical affair misses the point.

What matters is whether his behaviour acceptable to you.

DaDa

You are most certainly NOT overreacting

yes he is cheating(or trying to) and being underhanded/secretive and in any marriage that is unforgivable

by all means trying to justify cheating when vow's are taken is just out of order and you said your only married a year>?


get out now hun!

LegacyUser

'He's cheating on you in 3-D. You seem to tolerate his 'cyber chat' but realistically he's doing it for real. You know it. He's not mature enough for an honest relationship never mind marriage.

But if you insist on further proof check the history of the PC internet, its on the task bar up top beside favourites. I found that my ex was cheating on me though this method, and not only was he cheating but he was meeting older men for spanking and sex S&M sessions. All the while, leading up to the evidence, I doubted myself, allowed him to erode my self-esteem, put up with horrendous nonsence from him and he clearly didn't want me. I thought we were going through a bad patch, I didn't realise it was irrepairable.

I wasted 2.5 years on him trying to make it work, we were just about to go into couples' counselling and I kept making excuses for him, tired from business trips, upset stomach, stress from work and all along he just wanted me as a sham for a straight relationship because he wasn't man enough or honourable enough to end it with me/let me go and conduct what every type of life he wanted. Instead he hid/cheated/lied and make me feel like SHi&% about myself with no explanation.

You deserve better, you deserve an honest relationship, an equal partnership.
Leave him.'

moto2006

Hi, thanks for all the replies. Sorry about the paragraphs (or lack thereof!) I have been going to post for ages and eventually was "right!". Sorry!

I have brought it up, what was it about the other women that he found that he didn't have with me and he keeps coming back that he doesn't know. Now, I think that's bull, either he knows and "doesn't want to hurt me anymore then he has" or he thinks he will sound like even more of a git if he 'fesses up. Either way, I would feel that he should tell me and let me make up my own mind from there - anything is better then going over it in my head.

Also the thing about the meeting with people versus the mailing is he is only admitting to what he has been busted for - the emailing. There seems to be so much that doesn't add up now about that text. If he had met with someone and came clean about it then maybe there would be a chance but if he's still lying its a pretty damning indictment

I think if we could get to why he needed to go outside our relationship (which is kind of the point of counselling), then we might be able to work on it - providing he is telling the truth. However the fact is I don't truly believe he is and however sorry he says he is, his actions speak louder!.

AND! last para honestly, I flipped out that night and wanted to see the mails he sent, so he went ot log on but when he sat down he couldn't remember either his password or answer to the security question. Then he said he changed them on purpose to random characters on the keyboard at work so he wouldn't ever be tempted to log in again, because he got such a fright at being almost caught and so on. Like, it sounds so daft now writing it! If one of my friends was telling me this I'd be telling her to run out of Dodge! Its not (painful as it is) that he cheated, its that I think he is lying about the extent of it!

Oryx

Youve been justifying stuff this guy is doing, allowing him to bluff you with excuses, and telling yourself its nothing. I dont think its nothing. All the signs are there, arent they?

Messing about with cybersex is only one step away from a meeting with someone. (And no matter how these things start out, Im sure most guys wont refuse a meet if its offered) Whatever he is actually up to - and he is up to something- whether he meets a girl for sex is irrelevant. He is making a connection with someone other than you for emotional and sexual thrills. And hes hiding it, of course.

For as long as you allow him to lie and cover this up he will continue to do so. You need to think hard about whether your prepared to live with a guy who is fine in all other aspects apart from this secret life (and some women do, believe me) or whether this will tear you apart because you cant live with a man you dont trust. Cos unless he loves you enough to change and stop, he simply isnt going to, and in any case, will you ever able to trust him?

Of course, the thought of losing you might be the cold hard shock he needs to realise what he is doing.

justsomebloke

moto2006 wrote:

what was it about the other women that he found that he didn't have with me and he keeps coming back that he doesn't know. Now, I think that's bull, either he knows and "doesn't want to hurt me anymore then he has" or he thinks he will sound like even more of a git if he 'fesses up. Either way

No offence but this just sounds like he is just staying with you just to hedge his bets that if it doesn't work out with any of the others that he can fall back on you.

Other then that it is just lies and deceptions on his part. If he really has changed his password so he can't remember it chances are that he should be spending a hell of a lot less time on the internet, if he isn't then chances are he is still up to his old tricks (truthfully I think he lied to you and knew his password jsut didn't want to let you see the true extent of his cheating)

cold_filter

He's cheating i gurantee it.

tbh

your heart is telling you he's cheating. Your head is trying not to make a big deal out of it. Listen to your heart, it's always right.

sorry.

dellas1979

My heart goes out to you.

You probably feel like you are going demented.

"Is he/isnt he" questions.

You'd appreciate it if he confesses, if there is anything to confess.

I believe that you have every right to ask him if he is cheating. You have evidence that it may have gone further than emailing. He has done nothing to gain your trust. You need to lay it on the table to him.

What do you want to do. Or should i rephrase that, what do you have to do?

How can you get him to confess? I dont know if you can. You have a pretty strong case there. If it turned out that he was/had cheated on you, would you leave? Is the evidence not strong enough to compell you to leave?

Or at least leave until he is ready to talk?

Im afraid he has taken alot from you. Trust, probably self esteem and given you grief, anxiety etc.

Dont you think its time to take back control?

Talliesin

moto2006 wrote:

I have brought it up, what was it about the other women that he found that he didn't have with me and he keeps coming back that he doesn't know. Now, I think that's bull, either he knows and "doesn't want to hurt me anymore then he has" or he thinks he will sound like even more of a git if he 'fesses up.

Actually, I'd be inclined to believe him on this bit.

It can be hard for a relatively self-aware, relatively open and relatively non-secretive person to explain what it is about their partner that really does it for them (rather than merely listing a bunch of stuff that they like about them that would be true of other people).

Someone behaving in a way that he knows isn't acceptable to his partner is likely to have even less of an idea as to why he was doing so.

A big possibility is the fact that he isn't in a relationship with them makes it all a lot easier - he can have some fun and then that's it, there isn't the reality of sharing your life with another person and the work that entails even when things are good - but it's far from the only possibility.

moto2006 wrote:

Also the thing about the meeting with people versus the mailing is he is only admitting to what he has been busted for - the emailing.

Further to that, he had already crossed a line in terms of what was acceptable behaviour.

If the two of you had agreed that online activity of that sort was okay, then there's a boundary that he might well have stuck to. Lots of people do.

However this wasn't the case with you and nor does it seem that he had a misconceived notion otherwise. While it's certainly possible that in his own mind he thought cyber stuff was okay and physical stuff wasn't and therefore he was drawing the line there, it's also possible that he quickly got to the point where he said "well, I'm cheating anyway, might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb".

moto2006 wrote:

AND! last para honestly, I flipped out that night and wanted to see the mails he sent, so he went ot log on but when he sat down he couldn't remember either his password or answer to the security question. Then he said he changed them on purpose to random characters on the keyboard at work so he wouldn't ever be tempted to log in again, because he got such a fright at being almost caught and so on. Like, it sounds so daft now writing it!

That he changed his password to random characters doesn't sound too far-fetched. Indeed if someone came here saying "I'm finding myself compelled to flirt on line and I know my partner wouldn't accept that" then that's exactly what I'd suggest he should do.

That he didn't say so straight away does seem a tad suspicious though.

oulu

look I think you need to be honest with yourself, he as I can make out has or was seeing someone else. Now you need to know was this going on before you got married most likly it was. Could you know the other person involved.It is up tp you if you can gorgive and forget if so start over again if not dump him. But life is not that easy for most of us so you will have to work out dates and things gone by which now might make sense to you. The old saying once a cheat always a cheat,have you any kids?

moto2006

K,
First up, he doesn't really go on the 'net much anymore. I am deeply ashamed of myself but I checked his history etc and there were no unusual sites or sites that could be masquerading as other stuff. Also I installed a keyboard tracker (I know, I know) and when he does log on now its just briefly to sky sports and a couple of things like that. Of course, he could use the net at work, but that way madness lies.
Second, from jsb
No offence but this just sounds like he is just staying with you just to hedge his bets that if it doesn't work out with any of the others that he can fall back on you.
I think it may be more that he wants to be married, be all respectable but wants the excitement as well (tomato tomato I know)
And Katie,K
You need to think hard about whether your prepared to live with a guy who is fine in all other aspects apart from this secret life
No way will I stay if it has continued on past the day I caught him.

Further to that, he had already crossed a line in terms of what was acceptable behaviour.
That's the thing, if he had come home one day and said. Look, I'd like to try this I'd probably have been ok! In fact there are a lot of (ok, big picture fairly vanilla!) things that he has said he'd like to try and I've been ok. I don't think he has ever brought up anything I've gone "No you perv!", so its not like I'm not open to new ideas as long as we talk about them first

That he didn't say so straight away does seem a tad suspicious though.

I could kind of see how he panicked, I was pretty mad

In counselling, what seems to be coming out - is that he freaked out with the whole new marriage thing, went online to browse (not sure what prompted that, he can't/won't tell me) and these other women were pure fantasy/escapism. He never learnt two of their real names , never met them, they gave the location as the US and when he was busted he realised what he was doing and booked himself into counselling the day after I confronted him. Now, the only thing I know for sure there is counselling booking, the rest is just what he has told me in counselling.

So if that was the case you could say maybe, made a mistake is trying to fix it but then what was that text about 18 months or so previously? That part is what is wrecking my head. Why not come completely clean while you are about it? If he is telling the truth then he prob wouldnt remember sending it but taking together with everything I think I will err on the side of the suspicious

I could forgive him the affair, given time and if nothing like it ever happened again but not the lying about it that I suspect is going on now. No kids involved thankfully

Thanks for all your replies, unname, I'm really sorry I kind of understand what you went through good for you for making the break.

Nalz

at the end of the day its your life and your mind but for cryin out loud girl read your last post. Can you continue to live normally like that? no trust means no relationship

LegacyUser

'Oh dear oh dear oh dear, why are you being so soft on the guy? Sounds like you are letting him walk all over you. I hardly think that you fantasising over Prison Break is equal to him cheating on you (and you would want to be very naive to believe that he isn't!!) You should wake up a bit, the jolly tone of your email signifies that you are trying to dampen down the seriousness of this.If I were you I would be cutting up his clothes right now.I could never put up with what you are putting up with.'

HelterSkelter

moto2006 wrote:

Then he said he changed them on purpose to random characters on the keyboard at work so he wouldn't ever be tempted to log in again, because he got such a fright at being almost caught and so on.

When you change your password you have to type the new password in TWICE. He couldn't just type random characters in as he would have to type the same "random" characters in a second time.

Install a key logger on your PC. This will record everything he types to a file and you can see what he is writing.

EDIT: Ok, just read you installed a key logger already. Keep checking it!!!

Talliesin

moto2006 wrote:

In counselling, what seems to be coming out

If you both keep at the counselling more will likely come out if its there to come out and he feels that he can say it.

The one big thing I think you've got going for you in this is that for your part you seem to be looking for a way to move forward whatever that may be rather than evidence to "convict" him after which you're already sure you'll leave him.

I hope things pan out in such a way that you can eventually be pretty sure things never went much further than what he's admitted to.

And if that doesn't happen, I hope it at least pans out that you can put the whole thing behind you and move into a position of trust, whether that's with him or someone else.

In the meantime I think the counselling is where you're going to get any further answers that there might be to get.

Talliesin

HelterSkelter wrote:

When you change your password you have to type the new password in TWICE. He couldn't just type random characters in as he would have to type the same "random" characters in a second time.

Most computers have a copy-and-paste function these days, it's pretty handy.

Bashing out random characters is how I often set passwords for things I don't need to remember the password personally for. E.g. with a mail account I'd paste the same random characters into the server's set up and the client's password store.

That part of the story is far from unlikely.

HelterSkelter wrote:

EDIT: Ok, just read you installed a key logger already. Keep checking it!!!

Yeah, that's going to move into a new position of trust.

Checking up a bit right now is one thing, but that logger is going to have to be thrown away at some point.

Drift

I'd be inclined to believe him about the never meeting up part. Any person with some common sense would be very wary about meeting someone they met via some sort of internet cyber chatroom. Its so easy over the net to pretend to be someone you're not. For all your husband knows his "fantasy women" may have been men.

Anyway, the text could have been to ask one of these "girls" if they were going to meet in a chatroom. I think he deserves a lot of credit for booking the counselling.

I'm not sure if he's telling the whole story about what he did online though and I have no idea how he might be persuaded to come clean. Maybe if he realised it was going to be good for his relationship with you in the long run, somewhat cathartic.

dellas1979

Im not sure what exactly you are looking for. I mean. What was the question in the first place? People are giving you advice and you are not even looking at it. Id say youd stay with him anyways - no matter what. That your own decision.

If you want to spend the rest of your days with him playing Miss Marple detective, then do so. But you are going to have an awful hard time deciphering truth from lies. It will be hard to trust him again, naturally, after all this. I really do sympathise.

moto2006

Thanks a million for all the replies. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't cracking up and over reacting (or not!). I'm going to leave it til after Christmas, and in our first session after set out pretty much what I've said above - that I think that more went on then has come out and it makes the whole process fairly pointless if we aren't being honest about it.

If he can say or do something in the weeks after that to show otherwise then great and I will have to make the desicion to throw out the keystroke logger etc at some stage and start afresh. Unfortunetly, I can't see that happening so I have set a limit on when I need to make that call. Also (and that's the best thing about this) I've made the mental break that its probabley for the best - as this stand unless something really unexpected happens - to finish things. So now I've that straight in my head - and accepted that its happened - I feel miles better. So thanks again.

BTW Less with the Miss Marple, I'd be Horatio from CSI M!

dellas1979

Wish you all the best.
If you ever want to talk, PM me. Know how hard things like this can be.