question.....is sex really that important?

LegacyUser

Hey,
a question for the ladies out there, I was dating a girl for around 2 months and was really enjoying seeing her. Spent the night a couple of times together, but me being the sentimental kinda guy didn't want to rush into having sex with her straight away. Probably mainly 'cause I'm crap at it and have always avoided it due to embarassment. Plus I guess I'm looking for a gf (have been for quite a while).
Now she seems to have gone very cool and I don't know why. I am a quiet/shy guy and at times it was a bit strained but when these times passed we used to have good fun.
So after setting the scene, my question is; Is sex that important? i.e. would she have gone cold thinking that I'm too reserved or waiting for marriage (when it's the total opposite and my gut instinct is crying out for sex). I know it's kinda stupid (it was only a few dates and not years of a relationship) but I can't stop thinking about it and am taking it quite hard.

LegacyUser

'Sometimes things go cool and there is no apparent reason. Maybe she just doesn't fancy you anymore, and you'd go crazy trying to figure out why, and maybe she won't tell you, to spare your feelings. Sometimes there is no good explanation, and in which case, you have to just kind of let it go.

Did you discuss your feelings about sex with her at all? If there was a staying overnight, with no touchnig at all, maybe she thinks you're not attracted to her, or that you have an issue or something.

Is sex that important? I think that for some people, they think you have issues, if you don't have sex, and if they are used to getting it regularly, might go elsewhere. Someone who cares about you will wait, some foreplay in the meantime helps. If a man isn't comfortable touching a woman's body, she might think he was gay. If he wasn't comfortable touching his own, she might think he has issues.'

Black Swan

Sex is a healthy part of a male/female relationship. Did your reluctance make her turn cold towards you? Not sure. Everyone is different. It could have been due to other reasons, too? Why don't you talk with her? Share your feelings and ask her to share hers?

craichoe

I'd say just do what you feel ... Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, You might think your crap at it but i guarantee you'll realise its not about you its about the two of you! You have to meet someone that fits ..

Tbh though if your looking for a girlfriend and eventually married.. imagine you did get married and the sex was awful ? It would be for the rest of your LIFE.

Do some probing and send her the odd dirty text .. guage her reply ... even something as simple as "Was just wondering what you were wearing today..."

Girls are as insecure as men .. remember this .. they love compliments and when people notice that they've changed their hair or got a new dress or shoes ..

Talliesin

Unreg12/06 wrote:

me being the sentimental kinda guy didn't want to rush into having sex with her straight away. Probably mainly 'cause I'm crap at it and have always avoided it due to embarassment. Plus I guess I'm looking for a gf (have been for quite a while).

You do realise that you've said three completely different things here.

1. That you didn't try to move to being sexually active with her because you're a "sentimental guy".
2. That you didn't try to move to being sexually active with her because you're nervous about your sexual prowess.
3. That you didn't try to move to being sexually active with her because you are looking for a girlfriend.

Not to say that all three aren't simultaneously going on, but there does seem to be some confusion there as to just what is playing out in your mind.

Okay. First the "sentimental guy" part. We all have different ways in which we do or do not fit our sexuality into the rest of our psyches and that's just the way people differ from each other.

It can indeed be very nice to have things play out in a pretty sweet sort of way before you become lovers. It's not the only way to do things, but it does have its advantages.

In a way this is about ideals - we have ideals about how things would go with a new lover (not necessarily a single ideal, e.g. some people would think it would be nice to go that route and nice to jump into bed with someone two minutes after meeting them, and be quite happy with either).

Ideals can be a source of hang-ups, fretting that a relationship is doomed because something didn't go exactly the way your romantic fantasies would best prefer them to go, but they can also be the source of inspiration for how we handle romance. The trick is to use your ideals to set a romantic and/or sexual scene rather than having your ideals use you.

You say you don't want to wait for marriage (hey, if that was your ideal that would be reasonable too, but you say you don't) and strongly imply that you would like, or at least part of you would like, for things to have become more sexual by now. Hence you're not using your ideals at all.

Think about what your perfect romantic and/or sexual fantasy of meeting someone and developing a relationship is. Think about the reality of where you are at. Think about what parts of your ideals you can bring into actuality with her and what is just fantasy, and live out the bits of your ideals that are actually possible as hard as you can.

Second. The embarrassment about not being good in bed.

Well, first up, the best way to get better at sex is to have sex.

Books, threads in PI and in S&S, websites about sexual technique, etc. can all help, though not pornography. This isn't a moral judgement about pornography, it's just a matter that what porn is designed to do is very different to what you need to actually learn to be a good lover. You can take ideas from porn certainly, but don't make the mistake of jumping from "hey, I'd like to do that" to "I should do it the way they're doing it here" (there is a small amount of material that crosses the line because it's made by people who actually do get off on demonstrating how something is done rather than just doing it, though it tends to be techniques appealing to particular niches, so unless you fit one of those niches forget it).

Ultimately though there's no theory test, it's all practice. You'll also learn a lot more if you are with the same partner for a long time because you have a lot more opportunity to learn more than with a series of one-nighters both in general and in terms of what does it for them. Again, that's not a moral judgement about one-nighters, and they at least do lack the problem some couples have of never trying anything new once they reach a certain point, but with one-nighters you're doing the 101 course over and over.

Of course there's the Catch-22 that you need to have sex to get better at it and you don't want to have sex in part because you don't think you're good at it.

For a start while I don't think there's a right answer to the question of "Mr/Ms Right or Mr/Ms Right Now?" the fact that you have begun to develop a relationship with this woman means it won't be purely about sex when you have sex. There'll be a mixture of sex and romance going on. You say you're a sentimental guy? Then at least you'll have a good chance of doing things so that the romantic part of it works for her. If the overall experience of that combination works for her then you've got a starting point to get the rest going on. Play to your strengths.

Secondly, did you at any point imply that you were the gods gift to the clitoris? Has she at any point implied that she spent the past summer engaging in a series of orgies with the most sexually proficient gentlemen in Europe? If not then you don't think you have to live up to any particular ideal of sexual prowess. Sure, if you don't listen to what she says in bed and strive to become better and better at being her lover then she'll have grounds for complaint, but otherwise don't worry about it that much.

Thirdly, you say that you want a girlfriend.
I'm a bit unsure about why that got in there at all. If you're thinking about the eternal and eternally boring* debate about whether one should wait for a bit or not before having sex with someone you want a relationship with, I'd say you should largely forget it.
There will never be agreement on these things. People on this forum often ask what the best way is as if there's some sort of secret "real" answer that they might be able to learn. Some people will have a strong rule on this because of how it fits into their beliefs. Some people will have a strong rule on this because they are prudes and just think everyone should express their sexuality the same way as them (whether that means waiting for marriage, shagging anything that moves, or anything in between its ultimately the same thing, its the expecting others to have the same forms of sexual expression as their "normal" one that makes them a prude). Most people just have a combination of what they're comfortable with combined, most unfortunately, with worrying too much about where the other person's views on this are.
Ultimately there's no particular degree of waiting or not waiting that's going to get you a girlfriend or make a relationship more likely to work. What really matters is making sure the two of you are comfortable and happy with where ever it is that you are at together and going with that. You won't find a right answer for how long you should wait because there's only two of you in that relationship and the 6billion other people in the world aren't, so how long they'd like to wait doesn't mean a damn.

Unreg12/06 wrote:

So after setting the scene, my question is; Is sex that important?

Sex is very important, though that's not the same as saying you should necessarily be having it right now.

Sex is important because it links into the rest of our psyches in deep and sometimes quite complicated ways. Also it's damn good fun.

Sex being important does not mean there is a single right answer to whether or not you should be having sex at any given point in a relationship. Quite the opposite - because its important she may feel cut off from you if she's inclined to have sex at this stage in the dating process, but its also because its important that you shouldn't do anything sexual if its not right for either of you.

On the third hand, because it's important to different people in different ways she may just want a shag and be irritated that she isn't getting one.

Unreg12/06 wrote:

would she have gone cold thinking that I'm too reserved or waiting for marriage (when it's the total opposite and my gut instinct is crying out for sex).

The ultimate problem here is that she doesn't know where you're at. You're wondering what she's thinking about what you're thinking. If you tell her what your thinking she'll know and you'll know that she knows and problem solved.

Okay, so "I'd like to have sex with you" might be a difficult thing for you to drop into conversation perhaps. However "Damn, you are very sexy" is just a compliment, a totally appropriate compliment for someone you've been dating for a bit and it at least implies that you'd like to have sex with her.

Worried that she's not going to think you're hot stuff in the sack? Just don't tell her you are. Tell her that you're not very experienced and feel a bit shy. Unless she's infatuated to the complete-psycho-hiding-in-your-bushes degree she probably has a fair idea that you are a human being who isn't perfect at everything. You'll have less to live up to (you still have to live up to striving to get better rather than settling at being crap, if you settle at being crap you're a lazy bum and she should dump you) and she'll understand why you've been the way you have and you can move forward both sexually and in the rest of the potential relationship rather than dithering about fretting while things slide away from you.

*Actually, interesting stuff comes up in such discussions which can make them well worth listening to/reading/taking part in, but the core issue itself just goes around in circles.

miamee

OP she might feel that if she has spent the night with you on several occasions & you have not made any attemtp to sleep with her, that you find her unattractive. Talk to her & explain that you don't want to rush into sex until you are both ready for it. I was in the situation your gf is in at the moment.
Once the guy in question explained to me that he really did fancy me & want me & want to sleep with me but actually he got very nervous about it and wanted to take the physical side of things slowly, it was grand. Once I had that reassurance everything was ok & when we eventually did 'get there' it was great. Well not the first time, but it improved, lol and it was special to both of us

Saruman

Yup... my wife and, when we first started going out we slept in the same bed one night. I being stupid had my clothes on!! anyway during the night we started kissing etc. Until that we had just been friends!!! I did not have sex with her. I found out later into the relationship that she was freaking out in her head and was confused as to why i did not have sex with her that night!!

Point is... women think differently to us. She is probably the type to let you make the first move and if you do not.... her brain tells her that you do not find her attractive or something. I could be wrong... people are different but if you have slept in her bed more than once... and not done anything... well you could have blown it. or in this case... you should have blown it

Talliesin

Saruman wrote:

Point is... women think differently to us.

Funny, I thought your point was that women don't think that differently to us after all.

Both sexes will tend to spend time fretting they could spend sorting out just WTF is going on and dealing.

King of Kings

yes it is that important to both sexes.
end of.

trawingtroll

Is sex important?
No.....Some people if they could, would have sex a few time a day..... Some people would close to never have sex. Thoe, from what you've said I'm guessing your not the latter.

Talliesin wrote:

that's not a moral judgment about one-nighters, and they at least do lack the problem some couples have of never trying anything new once they reach a certain point, but with one-nighters you're doing the 101 course over and over.

I would slightly disagree, you can learn allot of new things, if your like me and don't have the contrition for reading books. The thing is, beyond the simple things every one is different. It take time to build up a re-pore with some one, find out what they really want and what each sound mean, so you can drive them over the edge in many way.

Talliesin

LOL trawingtroll. I just argued against you then re-read and went "oops", that wasn't what he said at all.

Shouldn't post pre-coffee. Still, it's better than posting by writing a long post in 10-second bursts while busy (I stand by all I said above, but it's a mess as a post).

But yes, there are advantages to the one-night thing as far as learning goes and indeed I mentioned one (the fact that established couples can end up in a rut). I was comparing it only to long-term sexual relationships and only in terms of learning, and it is a lot better to be able to experiment with the one person in this regard.

hmmmm

Tell her how you feel. It is the only solution.

It doesn't matter that you think you are crap at it. I'm sure she is willing to teach if you let her know you are willing to learn.

CathyMoran

Sex is important but not having it after 2 months is hardly the biggest deal as long as you discussed how you felt - I just think that there may have been a communication problem there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, unfortunately I should have posted the question a month earlier as it seems that it is over (ie. no contact, no wish to meet up). I would be tempted to write her a letter but think that that would be a bit too OTT (as in we weren't in a longterm relationship) and needy/desperate. One thing I've learnt is that I should have talked about it, I guess I'll have to move on and learn for the next time.