R.I.P Laguna

FranchisePlayer · 22-12-2006 10:46am #1

I just wanted to say that my brother Tom past away yesterday because of his cancer.
He was also know as Laguna on Boards.
It has basically ****ed up our family for good the reason I am posting this is because my family need to decide if family who didn't visit him while was ill should be allowed to come to his funeral.
Sorry for the rant.

kraggy · 22-12-2006 10:49am

My deepest sympathy. It's a horrible time. Hope the family issue doesn't cause too much strife.

k.

delly · 22-12-2006 10:51am

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

b3t4 · 22-12-2006 10:58am

I hope your memories will brighten the darker days ahead.

Concentrate on you at this time. Your family will work themselves out. They are simply transferring their anger and pain onto something tangible. It'll pass when grieve hits them.

A

6th · 22-12-2006 11:00am

My deepest sympathy for you, I hope reading this some people can see how little time some people have and change things in their own lives.

hunnymonster · 22-12-2006 11:02am

I'm sorry to hear about Tom. My thoughts are with you

When a close relative of mine died, his widow shut out all the family members she considered not to have cared during his illness. It has bred a lot of bitterness and nastiness over the years. I spoke to her about it recently, and she said, if faced with the same situation, she would handle things diferently. I would say, let them come to the funeral but don't include them any more than as attendee's. But of course, do what you feel comfortable with. You and those closest to Tom are grieving now, your first priority is to look after yourselves adn your precious memories of Tom.

Talliesin · 22-12-2006 11:06am

FranchisePlayer wrote:

my family need to decide if family who didn't visit him while was ill should be allowed to come to his funeral.

Of course they should.
It would be one thing if someone didn't visit while he was ill and was now looking for a massive chunk of an large estate, or if they'd been hassling him in some way during his illness.
Going to a funeral is a decent thing you do even if you weren't at all close. And if they thought they really should have visited him while he was ill that's all the more reason they should at least see his final farewell.

The Hill Billy · 22-12-2006 11:07am

FranchisePlayer - I am sorry for your loss. My condolences to your family.

With regards to who should & should not attend the funeral - it is very hard to offer an opinion without knowing the details. What I would say is that some people find illness & even hospitals very hard to deal with. They may have cared for your brother & felt for him during his illness, but found that they were unable to show this at the time. This may or may not be the case.

As for whether or not to invite them - maybe the best way to approach this would be to think of what Laguna would want. As you will be well aware - this is a very emotional time for you all. Try to keep a clear head. Not allowing someone attend the funeral may only cause further unhappiness for your family which you all could probably do without at this time.

Hang in there.

r3nu4l · 22-12-2006 11:09am

Oh wow, that's awful

Very sorry to hear that and my heart goes out ot your family.

It's a very personal thing but I would say that your family should not let their grief and hurt destroy things. Let people come to the funeral...even if they didn't visit him while he was ill.

At least that way the people who visited hiom in hospital can look to one another and say, 'thanks for being there, this has brought us closer' and the others who didn't visit may come to better understand how their abscence was hurtful.

Serious illness is always a tricky one. Some people may not have visited out of pure ignorance but perhaps for others it was their own fear that wouldn't let them visit. Some people also can't stand to see someone they know when they are really ill, preferring to imagine that somehow they still look the same and are healthy, almost like burying their heads in the sand.

Whatever happens, do not let the funeral turn into a time of ugly words and recrimination! I know it could be hard not to but I don't think your brother would have appreciated that.

moto2006 · 22-12-2006 11:10am

I'm very sorry for your loss, you & your family will be in my thoughts.

gandalf · 22-12-2006 11:13am

My sympathies on your loss.

You should use the funeral as a celebration of his life and as such not exclude anyone from coming. If they didn't support him during his illness that is their problem and they have to live with that.

Concentrate on supporting your close family and grieving properly for your brother, don't let petty trifles like this get in the way of that.

FranchisePlayer · 22-12-2006 11:16am

Thanks everyone for your replies.
The reason were our bitter to some family members that they didn't believe he was sick at all they believed that we were making it all up like it was a big joke.

Riesen_Meal · 22-12-2006 11:18am

Sorry to hear that at this time of year.....

I only ever saw Laguna posting here a few times but he seemed the decent sort, my thoughts are with you guys at this time......

rs · 22-12-2006 12:03pm

That's really tough. Best wishes to you and all your family.

As for not inviting people to the funeral. It's a tough one. I'd hope that some family that did not visit simply did not want to (or were simply unable to) deal with the situation. It obvious now that he was very ill and I'd hope that anyone who thought otherwise is feeling pretty bad right now.

If you invite them and they don't show up, that would certainly be a reason to never speak to them again. I would certainly make it know within the family that you are very disappointed that certain people never visited, but now is probably not the time to do this. Hopefully, if some of these peope do attend the funeral, they will make an attempt to apologise for their actions.

A funeral should be a time that a family pulls together, not tears apart.

Static M.e. · 22-12-2006 12:11pm

Sorry for your loss

Hagar · 22-12-2006 12:14pm

I'm sorry for your loss. He will be missed by many.

miamee · 22-12-2006 12:20pm

FranchisePlayer wrote:

Thanks everyone for your replies.
The reason were our bitter to some family members that they didn't believe he was sick at all they believed that we were making it all up like it was a big joke.

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother, my condolences to you & your family.

As for the 'family' who did not believe he was ill, let them come if they want I am sure now that he has passed they will be feeling guilty & this is their last chance to make amends with him as such. You will be too busy with your close family & Toms friends I'm sure to be worrying about who else is there.

justsomebloke · 22-12-2006 12:26pm

hey just as a matter of interest what was your brother's thoughts on the other family members not turning up, that and would he have wanted his death to split the rest of the family apart.
truthfully I am not a big fan of people who use funeral's for their own gains are getting back at other people

eimearnll · 22-12-2006 12:29pm

so sorry for your loss.

Genghis · 22-12-2006 1:02pm

Sorry for your loss too.

I am in no position to offer advice, but I would not stop anyone from attending, if only for them to fully regret their previous behaviour. The ones who don't show up to the funeral are the ones you never need to speak to ever again.

c - 13 · 22-12-2006 1:08pm

Sorry for your loss, My deepest condolences to you and your family.

aidan24326 · 22-12-2006 1:17pm

My sympathies for your loss.

Nobody should be prevented from coming, I'm not sure how that could even happen, short of having security on the door. Anyone who wants to come let them, it's possible that some people may regret their actions now (i.e doubting him or not visisting) they will have to deal with that themselves.

Every funeral will have a few family members there holding regrets in one way or another, it's inevitable. Like genghis said, it's the people who don't even bother to show up to the funeral that youy may as well forget about.

Issues like this can cause deep long term resentment and divisiveness so I think your family should tread carefully (I know that's not so easy when emotions are running high). Anyway hope things work out without too much strife, and either way don't let it take away from the occasion for yourself, in celebrating your brother's life and reflecting on the many good memories that I'm sure you have.

CathyMoran · 22-12-2006 2:25pm

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Drift · 22-12-2006 2:40pm

Sorry for your loss Franchise.

garthv · 22-12-2006 2:42pm

Sorry for your loss mate,

Not easy to lose a family member

22-12-2006 3:08pm

Firstly very sorry to hear this,stuff like this ain't easy,you are not alone.

FranchisePlayer wrote:

Thanks everyone for your replies.
The reason were our bitter to some family members that they didn't believe he was sick at all they believed that we were making it all up like it was a big joke.

All the more reason I think to let them come and not make an issue of it.
If they were nasty then fair enough,you can say something to them if you want,something suitably cutting if you want.
But leave it at that.
Looking after yourself now,your immediate family and close friends is far more important than getting upset about those peoples mistakes.

skywalker · 22-12-2006 3:16pm

Really sorry to hear about that. Laguna seemed like a nice guy from his postings.

Misticles · 22-12-2006 3:18pm

sorry for your loss Franchise

threebeards · 22-12-2006 3:18pm

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

My thoughts in relation to whether or not some people should/shouldn't be invited to the funeral is that I think they should be invited.

In my experience (my Dad passed away on St. Stephens Day 6 years ago), some family members didn't go to see him prior to his death which upset me at the time but on speaking with them afterwards, many of them said that couldn't bear to see him suffering and failing and just wanted to remember him as he was. In hindsight I could completely see where they were coming from. Maybe it's a similar thing with your friends or family?

While there may be anger or resentment on you and your families part now, friends and family are a great support and my feeling is that you'll need them in the future.

It's a very tough time for all of you and the time of the year doesn't help either, not that it would be easy at any time. As was said earlier, make his funeral a celebration of his life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Richie

The_B_Man · 22-12-2006 3:22pm

Oh my god! Tom was such a nice bloke! Always cracking jokes, witty, life and soul of everywhere he was. I worked with him in Tesco and new him from the college too. really nice bloke. Fell out of touch over the last while though. Condolences to you and your family and I wish you all the best at this time.:(

FranchisePlayer · 22-12-2006 3:25pm

My parents have decided anyone can come if they want but we won't try make them feel better about not visiting him.

Nalz · 22-12-2006 3:28pm

very sorry for your loss, RIP Laguna

biko · 22-12-2006 3:29pm

I am so sorry for your loss man!
You should let everyone come to the funeral. Don't give in to bitterness but let this bring the family together, rather than tearing your clan apart.

wheres me jumpa · 22-12-2006 3:58pm

Franchise,

Im very sorry to hear about your brother.

I was in class with Tom and this is horrible news.

Could you let me know the funeral arrangements? PM if you want.

BlackWizard · 22-12-2006 4:02pm

Im really sorry for your loss.

mike65 · 22-12-2006 4:03pm

Condolences and just to repeat what others have said, let those who wish to attend the funeral do so.

Mike.

Marksie · 22-12-2006 4:12pm

Deepest sympathies.

I would echo what others say and allow them to come to the funeral.

I wish you and your family all the best and hope you gat all the help and support you need through this time.

Ruu_Old · 22-12-2006 4:15pm

Sorry for your loss, seemed like a delightful chap from what I saw on boards from him. Appreciate you letting us know. Rest in peace, Laguna.

is_that_so · 22-12-2006 4:16pm

Sorry for your loss. When my father died we decided to invite people we knew who wouldn't come anyway. A death can have unforeseen effects on people and we felt it was best to at least allow people the opportunity to mourn.

dvega · 22-12-2006 4:29pm

My thoughts go out to you and your family this christmas.

jhegarty · 22-12-2006 4:40pm

FranchisePlayer wrote:

My parents have decided anyone can come if they want but we won't try make them feel better about not visiting him.

sounds like a good plan... its a time to be the bigger person...

bpm · 22-12-2006 5:42pm

I felt so sad when i heard this news about Tom, i also worked with him in tesco, he'd be facing off the off license and he always had a great joke to tell me, its very hard to read this,

my condolences to all his family.

Fiona

Beruthiel · 22-12-2006 5:45pm

My heart goes out to you Franchise, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

FranchisePlayer wrote:

It has basically ****ed up our family for good the reason I am posting this is because my family need to decide if family who didn't visit him while was ill should be allowed to come to his funeral.
Sorry for the rant.

Rant away, that's what PI is for.

To address your above comment.
My uncle died of cancer at age 36. To see someone so young go like that is a horrible, terrible thing. I found it very difficult to go see him, to face him. What can you say? Nothing seems good enough and it won't help in any way. It's gut wrenching.
Perhaps these family members couldn't do it. It's no excuse I know.
You're angry at your brothers death, you have every right to be, he was waaay too young.
No point taking your anger out on these people though, in the long run it won't help you or them. Leave it be and just take care of yourself and your parents, this is all that matters right now.

/edit

The reason were our bitter to some family members that they didn't believe he was sick at all they believed that we were making it all up like it was a big joke

Just saw this comment and all I can say is they must feel like the biggest fools right now. Probably shocked into disbelief at the stupidness of their actions. They will most likely carry the guilt of that for quite some time. No need to give them a hard time about it, most likely they are beating themselves up about it all on their own.
Take care.
a

Zebra3 · 22-12-2006 7:00pm

Deepest sympathies.

RuggieBear · 22-12-2006 7:07pm

sorry for your loss.

he seemed a decent soul the odd time our posts crossed.

Daelus · 22-12-2006 7:09pm

So sorry for your loss. He was a great guy. I only really knew him for a while from playing online with him on the Dreamcast. I haven't spoken to him in a long while.

I think it's a good idea to let them come to the funeral.

steveland? · 22-12-2006 7:13pm

Very sorry to hear this.

Franchise, your family members are being punished enough. The guilt of not going to see him should be enough to endure.

A funeral isn't just to pay respects to the deceased. It also gives the family closure and your family have the right to come and say their final goodbyes, even if they weren't there in the time of need.

You and your family have enough to worry about and endure. The last thing you need now is an argument that could damage your relationship with your family further. It wouldn't be (mentally) healthy for any of you.

Again, sorry for your loss and your brother will be missed by all.