want the druggies to leave me alone!

LegacyUser

In 1999 I moved to a new town. I was 16 and very innocent, had never had sex or done drugs. I made friends with a bunch of people, we'll call them Steve, Matt, Daria and Rachel.

Steve and Daria were girlfriend and boyfriend, Matt and Rachel were girlfriend and boyfriend. They got me into drugs in a BIG way. We were getting wasted all the time. I dropped out of college and became a druggie bum. They would also nag me into taking drugs even if I said No.

I am a non smoker and hate people smoking near me because I had throat cancer when i was younger. I only took drugs orally but they would smoke weed CONSTANTLY around me even though they knew why I hated it.

I fancied steve but would NEVER do anything about it because he was taken. However, he would send me VERY dirty texts telling me what he wanted to do to me. I told him to stop texting and i did not tell his gf because i did not want to stir trouble.

4 years later Steve and Daria broke up (nothing to do with me) Steve came to my house one day (I was a 20 year old virgin at this time) and before I knew what was happening, we had had sex. I regretted it but he stayed with me, said he loved me and wanted to marry me one day.

I loved him and wanted it to work. He got me to sleep with and go out with him by telling me he was quitting the drugs. Naively I believed him. For 2 years I stayed with him. During this time he carried on making me take drugs when I didn't want to, by threatening to withdraw privelidges if I didn't (eg he would threaten to cancel holidays or ruin my birthday party)

He also always put his friends ahead of me, (eg- Rachel was always mean to me because she was stuck at home with a baby and i was out on fun holidays all the time. I told steve but he didnt care. He would always cancel our dates at the last minute if matt and rachel wanted a babysitter.) took thier sides over mine, dropped me at a second's notice to hang out with them.

He was in a band, and said if they went on tour I must stay behind and wait for him. However, when I decided to finally sort my life out and go to university, he told me I may only go to our local university as he did not wish to be without me for so long. (our local university doesn't even do my subject, and i couldn't get in because the entry requirements were too high.)

Anyway, after 2 years I saw sense and dumped him. I am so much happier without him and never want to see ANY of those people again. I am at uni far away and drug-free and having a good time.

He has a new girlfriend now and I don't are at all. The prob is, he keeps texting me to see how i am and saying "lets not lose our friendship."

At first I ignored his texts but one day he caught me when I was bored and answered. I don't want to be friends with him or even see him again. But now he knows this is still my number. I know you'll probably all say, "just tell him to go away" or just ignore him, but its not so easy when you're in this position. Also when I am home from uni I hate going out in public in case I see him. I just never want to see him or hear from him again! I am worried he will try and get in touch with me through other prople to get us to hang out again.

Shellie13

Look you really need to take resopnsibility yourself for the lifestyle you led...this "they made me" does no good for you in the long run. You seem to have moved on-fair play- now decided what you want-not what they are "forcing" you to do!

You seem to have your goals or watever clear don't let someone who you feel dosen't deserve you sidetrack you!

Beau x1

Get a new number, I know it's a bit of a hassle but then he can't contact you. Delete his number so you can't contact him, either.

Canis Lupus

Unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

I know you'll probably all say, "just tell him to go away" or just ignore him, but its not so easy when you're in this position.

Just tell him to go away or ignore him..................................................................................

LegacyUser

Shellie13 wrote:

Look you really need to take resopnsibility yourself for the lifestyle you led...this "they made me" does no good for you in the long run.

But thats easy to say. You have no idea how forceful he can be. One of the many things I hate him for is the fact that one time he anally raped me after I said No. I have never spoken of it before and it eats me up inside.

Catari Jaguar

call the police on him?

Nevyn

http://www.drcc.ie/

Get yourself some help,
FREEPHONE 1800 778888

FOR INFORMATION

OR TO SEEK AN APPOINTMENT

Fanny Cradock

He sounds like an awful person. Never reply to him again.

From you brief story I get the impression that you are very insecure. It sounds like he fed off that.

"they made me take drugs"
The may have pressured you into taking the drugs, but YOU chose to take them.

"you don't know how forceful he can be".
He may be forceful, but YOU need to say no. Stand up for yourself.

This guy has walked all over you and clearly has ZERO respect for you. Moreover, he will never treat you with any respect because you're such a pushover. I don't mean that as an insult, btw.

Change your number, move to a different place, do whatever it takes to get on with your life.

MojoMaker

What city in the States are you in? Are your parents nearby? Have you siblings you could call like an older brother to have a word with this guy?

RoadSweeper

tell mim your a different person now, and you've moved on from your childhood past.

Ickle Magoo

You have enough reasons to absolutely hate this guy, even in your most bored moment, I don't understand why you would want to converse with him. I don't understand the force issue either, they nagged you into becoming a druggie bum? He would ruin your birthday? So, you had a choice of taking the drugs or refusing & to hell with the birthday party (there's always next year) & you chose the party? I don't see how that's anyone elses fault but your own, where are your priorities?

So, it's just a case of deleting his number from your phone & getting a new number for yourself & you have a zillion reasons to want to do that - why do you see it as some kind of dilemma?

Beruthiel

Unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

During this time he carried on making me take drugs when I didn't want to, by threatening to withdraw privelidges if I didn't (eg he would threaten to cancel holidays or ruin my birthday party)

I don't accept that for once second. Nobody can 'make' you take drugs unless you allow it to happen. This is 100% your own responsibility, put the blame exactly where it lies, on yourself.

I am worried he will try and get in touch with me through other prople to get us to hang out again.

Again, this will only happen if you allow it to. Time to grow a back bone and take your life into your own hands, be responsible for yourself.
If you don't want to hang out with him, then don't. It's that simple.

BuffyBot

What Beruthiel said.

At the end of the day, you're the only one who can take control of this situation and frankly, it sounds like you are waiting for someone else to come and tell you what to do.

dr.bollocko

Yeah you are trying to make a victim out of yourself, but when you are a victim you are powerless. If you really want to grow up, you can, by accepting responsibility for your own wild years, and accepting responsibility for ending them now. Everyone has blips, or times in their life that they would rather forget. The trick is to suck it up, accept all that has happened as a product of the bad choices that you made, and try and learn from it.

mal1

i agree with bollocko. Stop making out that people made you take drugs and take totally responsibility for what you do. Make a start by telling this guy you don't wanna be friends anymore. It's that easy, so stop making excuses and grow up!

Steyr

GET A NEW NUMBER. Problem solved.

Miss Fluff

Beauty of being an adult btw is that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Tell him to stay out of your life and avoid all future contact with him. It's not that difficult if you really (and honestly) don't want to see him again.

InFront

I agree with the other posters. When I got to your last paragraph I had to read back over the post because I thought you must have had a child with this guy or something. Look, change your number and move on, you're an adult, there's nothing to be afraid on and you can't be sucked in unless you choose to be.
Is there a family member or some close (clean) friends or some religious person you could talk to to keep you on the straight and narrow?

bombidol

What type of drugs are we taking about here?

Shelli

Just ignore him, it really is that easy. I was with an abusive guy in the past, and like you I let him walk all over me and "force" me to do stuff I didn't want to, but thats the thing, I let him, just like you let that guy. People can't "make" you do things if you don't let them. These kind of people feed of your reactions and by making you a victim they feel bigger.

Ignore him, don't let him into your life again, get on with being happy. Don't reply to his text and don't hide away from him either, just get on with your life as if he doesn't exist.

If he becomes abusive or threatens you go to the police, don't let this guy get the better of you again.

LegacyUser

bombidol wrote:

What type of drugs are we taking about here?

Everything except heroin. (weed, ecstasy, mushrooms, LSD, coke and speed.)

Changing my number won't do any good, he knows my home address, my university address, my myspace and email addresses and all my friends and family. He is very persistent as well.

craichoe

Gah, this totally p*sses me off .. Why do women go out with men like this !! ... The nice guy always gets the short stick

dame

Shelli wrote:

Just ignore him, it really is that easy. I was with an abusive guy in the past, and like you I let him walk all over me and "force" me to do stuff I didn't want to, but thats the thing, I let him, just like you let that guy. People can't "make" you do things if you don't let them. These kind of people feed of your reactions and by making you a victim they feel bigger.

Ignore him, don't let him into your life again, get on with being happy. Don't reply to his text and don't hide away from him either, just get on with your life as if he doesn't exist.

If he becomes abusive or threatens you go to the police, don't let this guy get the better of you again.

I agree with this post.

OP, you say he knows all your addresses, family, friends etc. Surely your friends and family want you to succeed in life and know he's a bad influence, therefore they shouldn't help him get to you. If they do they're not your friends any more, simple.

Yes, of course you can change your number. Give your new number to your family and real friends and if necessary explain that you don't want him to get it. You should even be able to contact the phone service provider and block calls/texts from him. If your family take it seriously enough they should be able to change the home phone number and have the new one unlisted. It shouldn't be that much hassle for them to give it to people who need it, and keep their daughter safe.

He knows your myspace, big deal. Cancel it and get yourself a Bebo page instead. You can make your Bebo page private (ie only viewed by other members) so that'll make it a bit harder for him to find or view, unless he sets up his own. You can also report any abuse to Bebo. Can you do this with Myspace? Have you checked?

Your home address is your home address but your college address should be able to be changed pretty easily, if not now then at least next summer. Again, explain to friends and family that you don't want this guy turning up on your doorstep.

If he's threatening in any way or you really and truly think he's stalking you, then go to the police and at least put a complaint on record. A chat from the guards might make him cop himself on and leave you alone.

Above all, ignore him completely, but any time he does manage to make contact or hassle you, make a note of date, time, place, witnesses etc, just in case you ever need to take it further.

It's your life, take control.

mayordenis

he anally raped you??

police is who should be talking to not us.

Fanny Cradock

Unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

Everything except heroin. (weed, ecstasy, mushrooms, LSD, coke and speed.)

Changing my number won't do any good, he knows my home address, my university address, my myspace and email addresses and all my friends and family. He is very persistent as well.

Is this how you go through life, playing the victim? Somehow I feel a part of you wants to meet the guy. This despite the horrible things he did to you. I can't think of any other reason why you would continue to make excuses.

It seems that you have been the victim for such a deal of your life that it's a tough habit to break. I fear that you are one of these women who habitually invite the wrong type of guy into their lives and wonder what they are doing wrong.

Instead of concentrating on the reasons why it would appear to be difficult to break away from the guy, you should concentrate on why you want to make the break. Do your really want to go back to the past?

lilrayosunshine

CAll your mobile phone provider and get his number blocked so he can't call you or text you. Ignore his emails (delete before read) don't go on to myspace anymore or maybe email them and see if you can get his IP address blocked.

go to the police and report the rape (you do not have to press charges-but you should have it on the record)
make new friends who will support you to move away from that old group of friends.
There is a lot you can do yourself, you may just need someone to hold your hand while you do it!

LegacyUser

The authorities and facilities for dealing with this vary from state to state - there are a few people on this board from Illinois, Ohio, California etc - if you help us out with where you're from you might get more tailored advice for your situation. As the others said you can delete your myspace page, change your phone, and even move aparrtments to get away, but depending on whether you live in a small rural US town or a big city the level of actual help may be different.

As someone asked - what about family? Older brother, Uncle etc?

Nevyn

Chances are the person looking for help is in Ireland as this is an irish website and the majority of people who post here are irish and living in Ireland.

Botswana

I have very little sympathy for the OP.

Another "victim" unable to take responsibility for her life. I know loads of girls like this, always having one night stands, and then blaming men for using them.

FFS. Stop blaming other people for your problems. YOU are the one at fault here. Only YOU control your life.

Staying with someone who rapes you?

Get a grip, seriously...

lilrayosunshine

Botswana wrote:

I have very little sympathy for the OP.

Another "victim" unable to take responsibility for her life. I know loads of girls like this, always having one night stands, and then blaming men for using them.

FFS. Stop blaming other people for your problems. YOU are the one at fault here. Only YOU control your life.

Staying with someone who rapes you?

Get a grip, seriously...

That's a bit harsh Botswana.
It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship!

Botswana

Yeah, I am being harsh, but I really have a problem with people who blame others for their issues! The world is full of these people. You know, the let's sue McDonalds because we've no self-control brigade. Etc.

She's not even willing to change her mobile number, so she's obviously a lost cause.

lilrayosunshine

Botswana wrote:

Yeah, I am being harsh, but I really have a problem with people who blame others for their issues! The world is full of these people. You know, the let's sue McDonalds because we've no self-control brigade. Etc.

Agreed!

She's not even willing to change her mobile number, so she's obviously a lost cause.

Don't think she's a lost cause she just needs someone to tell her what she needs to do! And now that a few people here have.. hopefully she will listen and learn to move on, Positively!

Talliesin

I'm not sure what's making some posters think the OP is in the US. Obviously it's much more likely that they're in Ireland and the second most likely place is the UK. Still, in the US you can find how to contact your local rape crisis centre from RAINN at http://tools.rainn.org/counseling-centers/ or phone their National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1800 656 HOPE. In the UK you can find a local rape crisis centre at http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/members.html. In Ireland, as well as the DRCC in Dublin Thaedydal mentioned there are the following:

Athlone: 1 800 306 600
Belfast: 0801 232 249 696
Clonmel: 1 800 340 340
Cork: 1 800 496 496
Donegal: 1 800 44 88 44
Dublin: 1 800 778 888
Dundalk: 1 800 21 21 22
Galway: 1 850 355 355
Kerry: 1 800 633 333
Kilkenny: 056 51555
Limerick:1 800 311 511
Mayo: 094 25657
Sligo: 071 71188
South Leinster: 1 800 727 737
Tullamore: 1 800 323 232
Waterford: 1 800 296 296
Wexford: 1 800 330 033

Calling none of these numbers will put you into a past-the-point-of-no-return situation. They are anonymous counselling numbers, so you have little to lose in calling them about the rape.

Since you are a legal adult you can go for further counselling without fear that you will have to press charges or make any sort of criminal complaint (in this regard I'm totally going with the assumption that you are in Ireland where the law requires counsellors to contact the Gardaí only in the case of their being an assault of a child, the situation may differ if you're elsewhere though it generally counsellors can offer adult clients a strong degree of confidentiality).

Of course you could decide that you do want to contact the Gardaí (or whatever law-enforcement there is where you are) on the matter and as has been stated this will not mean that you have to go on in assisting a prosecution (quite the opposite, if you do want there to be a prosecution the prosecutor may feel there isn't enough evidence to prove it happened in a court of law).

There's also the possibility of a restraining order, a barring order or a safety order. Before it comes to that do just get on with dropping your myspace, changing your number and telling anyone who tries to pass on a message that he was bad for you and you do not want any contact with it (if he manages to get anyone gullible wrapped up in a nice story about what a great guy he is these days and his wonderfully romantic hopes for making things right with you, just drop that person from your life until they learn a bit more about life and aren't as easily fooled by such crap).

There's been a bit of a to-and-fro above with some posters feeling that some other posters are blaming you for what happened. It's certainly not helpful to feel that you are to blame, but it is important that you take control of what happens next.

Don't be afraid of making a few hard decisions. If you're hoping someone will find a nice easy way of sorting all of this out without anything being difficult for you that's simply not going to happen I'm afraid. That's damn unfair but no less true for being unfair.

pickarooney

If he pesters you via your MySpace page (whatever that is), use it to out him publically as a rapist, see how many people want to chat with him after that.

chump

Shellie13 wrote:

Look you really need to take resopnsibility yourself for the lifestyle you led...this "they made me" does no good for you in the long run. You seem to have moved on-fair play- now decided what you want-not what they are "forcing" you to do!

You seem to have your goals or watever clear don't let someone who you feel dosen't deserve you sidetrack you!

So true, first thing I thought after reading this. My ma made me read it.

LegacyUser

Botswana wrote:

. YOU are the one at fault here. Only YOU control your life.

Staying with someone who rapes you?

Get a grip, seriously...

well obviously i did not stay with him as i am not with him now. and thanks alot for saying i am the one to blame for being raped. He was my BOYFRIEND, i did not know he was capable of that until it happened!

Just for the record, I'm in the UK. And none of my family or freinds know what he did to me, and I can't tell anyone. I don't want it to become public knowledge. And whats to say anyone would believe me anyway?

LegacyUser

How many impressionable young women in rural Ireland have heard of MySpace let alone have a MySpace page over a Bebo page?

How many people called Daria have you met in Ireland?

If the OP is Irish then she needs to get over to Creative Writing with her post as it reads straight from a script of the O.C.

If she's American then the links Tallesien posted could be of use. Wish her the best of luck if she's genuine. Change your cell and notify your family OP!!

Botswana

When I said you are the one at fault, I was obviously talking about your current situation, not about being raped.

It really sounds like you want us to say "poor you".

Are you going to change your number? Are you going to tell him to **** off or you'll call the police?

LegacyUser

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

MojoMaker

Best of luck shaking this creep.

Nevyn

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

Well then go about getting a safety order, report him to the police get his house raided when you know there are going to be drugs there.
There are anti stalking laws get some advice and get him out of your life.

Talliesin

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

That's enough to get a restraining order (at the very least a safety order, but given that he has no claim to a reason to share time with you, like if you shared a house that he had a legitimate claim to, then a restraining order would quite likely be worth looking in to).

I'm glad you aren't willing to accept any hint that you are to blame for what has happened - I know, if you're a rape survivor it's hard enough not to blame yourself at least partly without hearing the same thing from others - but you are responsible for your continuing actions.

And I agree, it isn't easy. But you can pretty much give up on easy right now. Easy doesn't happen very often in real life, and expecting that it will is extremely ****ing dangerous.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Chances are the person looking for help is in Ireland as this is an irish website and the majority of people who post here are irish and living in Ireland.

Sorry poster, just like Thaedydal I got this totally wrong, sorry for not being sensitive enough to notice that of course you couldn't be Irish or in Ireland from the way you wrote your post. I empathise with you cos my bf raped me when I was 18 and told me he loved me the next day. You never expect it from people you love

dame

unnrrrrgisszz01 wrote:

'This is a bloke who said many times that he would track me down and kill me if I ever got with anyone else. He has also been known to slap me around the face. Its really not as easy as you seem to think.'

OP, You've been given lots of advice here. Why don't you stop coming back with excuses and decide what you're actually going to do? We know it's hard but if you seriously want anything to change you have to get off your backside and be proactive. You don't have to be that victim girl any more, not unless you choose to by your own inaction.

turbot

Botswana wrote:

Yeah, I am being harsh, but I really have a problem with people who blame others for their issues! The world is full of these people. You know, the let's sue McDonalds because we've no self-control brigade. Etc.

She's not even willing to change her mobile number, so she's obviously a lost cause.

Botswana, I have a problem with people who make ignorant, stupid and snotty statements like yours.

Are you saying, the childen in Iraq, are wrong to complain that american warplanes blew up their countrys infrastructure, leading to a situation where they can't go to school and it's not safe to go outside? Are they a lost cause?

Botswana, are you too comfy in your experientially oligthropic world of your own high self opinion?

As for your ridiculous example - McDonalds uses state of the art psychological tactics, from colours to advertising, to entice and sculpt childrens behaviours way before they are old enough to make smart choices. Some kids are exposed to counter influences that lead to more freedom, yet only some have whats neccessary to make the right choices in life generally.

Botswana, you need to make finer distinctions about taking responsibility.

Now to the OP:

What you need to know is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This life situation can change in a way where things get better than you imagine.

Right now you're a quite confused and intimidated and not at your best, while you are also looking back on a past from a better position and making sense of it.

Whats important right now is that you keep going in the right direction... and living more healthily. Gradually, by doing this, you'll achieve more inner sanity and also more peace and strength to better deal with what you've been through.

I suspect that in some of your descriptions, when you say "you didn't want to" or they "made you" what you mean is that on the inside, you had a different sense of what was right and good for you, though the whole situation, like being hassled and encouraged and social pressures, led to you going along with some of these things.

Now that you are free of these people, you can look back and see it differently. And your first priority is to further stabilise and reinforce your good position, for yourself.

The first step is to deal with your fear of this guy who is intimidating and harassing you. I know it doesn't seem easy, but it is more achieveable than you think, because the only thing this guy has over you, is you currently fear him.

To liberate yourself more, first you must overcome your fear more. If you weren't afraid, it wouldn't matter as much if he could get through to you on the phone, or find you online, because you would care less.

So first, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being high, rate your level of fear of your ex right now.

Then do this:

1) Visualise your ex wearing a ballerina outfit with a squeeky voice, the size of a chipmonk. Imagine him chasing you and having a tantrum, and then see yourself picking him up by his hair.

When you do this, does it make you laugh?

What would happen if he had frilly knickers on?

Play circus music as you imagine this.

Once you start laughing more, you'll feel better.

Then visualise him doing everything backwards at high speed was you laugh.

2) Next - imagine that you are the toughest lady you know, in person, or even on film, for example, imagine that you are Margaret Thatcher, or Jennifer Garner, or someone you know who is really tough.

Then imagine facing him, realising you are more powerful now, and he's just pathetic.

Then rate your level of fear from 1 to 10.

Please let us know if doing this helps you reduce your level of fear.

BTW, Paul McKennas book "Instant Confidence" is probably helpful for you in this regard, as well as talking to some help lines, and possibly more.

You can win, remember, and to do so, you need to be smart.

Fanny Cradock

I can understand what you are trying to advise, but holy ****, something a little more practical then escaping into a tutu fantasy would be nice.

Nevyn

Fanny Cradock if you dont' have anything constructive of helpful to add to the thread then don't post.

Bottle_of_Smoke

OP - have you spoken to your UNI's therapist? wish i'd taken advantage while it was free! Might help organise your thoughts & take away some of the control he has over you

LegacyUser

Turbot, thanx for your comments. Picturing the ex like that isn't funny for me though, I don't find anything about him funny. Thinking of him at all just makes me feel sick.

I haven't spoken to the uni counsellor yet but I am thinking of it.