Torchwood ep 1x11 - The trouble with Weevils

Stark

This week's recap

http://stark.journals.ie/2006/12/28/torchwood-ep-1x11-combat-recap/

Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police, the loser kids at school.
Tracking down alien totty on earth, titillating the human race for your pleasure.

We open in an thrashy alleyway like we usually do. This is where most of the Torchwood action happens; Russell T. Davies likes to write what he knows. Jack is busy chatting up a Weevil. He didn't even bother to bring his gun. Awww Jack, are you not happy to see the Weevil? Jack takes out the supplies. The Weevil think "**** this kinky ****" and runs off.

Cut to Gwen and FatAndBoring having dinner in a French restaurant. Rhys is moaning again. He complains that his steak is not well done. He hates it when it's pink on the inside. Gwen sighs; Rhys and his misogyny, no wonder self esteem issues drove her into Owen's arms. Rhys stops his boring conversation to ask why Gwen is so vacant looking as usual. Gwen's doing drugs Rhys. Woops, this is Torchwood, not Hollyoaks in the city. I keep forgetting sometimes.

Luckily for Gwen, they get distracted from this torture by the sight of Jack chasing a Weevil down the street. Gwen runs out to him. Rhys follows her. Jack tells Rhys he needs her for an emergency and he'll have her back for dessert. Rhys reckons it's so going to be strawberry shortcake. Rhys and Gwen have a domestic and Gwen leaves with Jack. Jack gives her a lecture on maintaining her home life but takes her Weevil hunting anyway.

Back at Torchwood Hub, Jack has three questions for people to answer. One: Since when did other people know about Weevils. Two: Have they done this before and if so why didn't we know about it? Three: Why on Earth did we have Weevils on the show for this long? I mean did anyone like the Kazons in Voyager? Did the writers ever think, "Hey, could these aliens be boring". Just when my blood pressure is about to cause my eyeballs to pop, Ianto walks in. And he's wearing a new outfit! Oh happy days, best episode ever. Countrycide would have been the best episode ever if the crappy plot didn't take away from LooksGoodInCasual. Pan down the camera; I want a full bodyshot. Oh go on, go on. Oh **** you anyway Torchwood; you never give me anything I want.

It speaks. Something about A&E incidents and chunks. But involving Weevil attacks. Jack says they're becoming immune to the anti-Weevil spray. Tosh suggests they're mutating. Ianto pops in with "Or Evolving". Oh clever boy Ianto, someone should explain to you what actually happens in the process of evolution. No wonder they don't let you speak.

At Owen's favourite bar, Owen's at the bar, moping. The barlady tries to cheer him up. "Trust me, the bigger the crowd, the more alone I feel" says Owen, the last of the Frogmen. The barlady's boyfriend walks up and picks a fight with Owen. Owen doesn't use alien date rape drug to get out of this one; that last time really tarnished his reputation. Instead, he defeats him the manly way. He suggests that the barlady upgrade her boyfriend. Pfft, Cybermen are rubbish in the sack. Though I haven't tried the Torchwood steel swimsuit edition Cyberman.

They still won't do a full body shot of Ianto. It can only mean one thing: Ianto's not wearing any pants. Oh why must you torment me.

Tosh tells Gwen of Owen and Diane's thing. It was a classic story. Boy meets girl. Boy alien date rapes girl. Effects of alien date rape drug wear off girl. Girl gets as far away as she possibly can from boy.

Down in the basement, Ianto and Jack are having a moment. They're standing in front of a Weeping Weevil. And I thought the standard Weevils sucked. "Why is it weeping Jack?", asks Ianto. "Owen's been studying this one", replies Jack. Oh Jesus, say no more. Jack explains the theory of weevil telepathic communication. He thinks it might be feeling the pain of another Weevil. Owen raped another one? Crap. "I hope we're wrong though", says Jack. I hope so too.

Torchwood track one of the bad guys to a warehouse. "You know what they used to store in these warehouses during World War II?" asks Jack. "Boxes". Oh god Jack, go back to Doctor Who. They find a man attacked by Weevils. His phone rings, it's the Crazy Frog ringtone. Answer it, it might be Owen! A strange man is on the other end. Jack gives him a big speech.

Autopsy time back at Torchwood Hub. Owen reckons the body looks like Gwen after Rhys comes home from the pub.

Gwen goes to Owen for emotional support. Gwen blabbers; Owen actually makes sense.

Back at Torchwood Hub, Jack & Tosh announce to Owen that he's going into the property market. As an amphibious lifeform, Owen will help lead the eels to land. They're about 400 million years too late on the market but hopefully it'll still work as a cover. (or not).

At the offices of the estate agents, Owen meets a guy who's at least half as gay as the gayest estate agent ever. He's pretty damn gay. He looks Owen up and down and purses his lips. “Ffs” thinks Owen, “I only used alien date rape drug on that guy one time so I wouldn't get my ass kicked. I'm not bisexual. Someone correct my wikipedia article!”. SalesGay shows Owen some pictures. “These all look like **** holes”, remarks Owen. “Woops, those were pictures of my ass for gaydar.co.uk”, replies SalesGay, “Here are the pictures of the apartments”.

“Want to go for a drink?”, asks SalesGay. “Awkward”, thinks Owen. He quickly changes the subject of the conversation to women. He points some out. “If that's not success, I don't know what is”, he says. “Bollocks”, suggests SalesGay, to make it clear where his persuasion lies. Owen leaves SalesGay alone so Torchwood can cyberstalk him. SalesGay sits down at his computer and opens up Google. He types “Owen Harper naked” into the search bar. Google returns him 1050 pictures of frogs; stupid Google must be broken!

At Torchwood Hub, Jack tells Gwen to go home; he's taking the secondary characters for a spin. Gwen protests but Jack assures her that she'll still get more screen time than she deserves. Jack hopes that by taking Tosh&Ianto for a spin in the car, they'll get tired out and will sleep for the rest of the season.

At the house of eternal insipitude, Rhys is getting ready to go out. He tries to punish Gwen by telling her he's going to pull a few chicks but he's not fooling anyone.

At the hospital, Jack and Ianto are interrogating a patient with Weevil wounds. Jack plays Bad Cop; Ianto plays SucksOnGrapes Cop. They fail to get much out of him.

Jack takes Ianto and Tosh for another spin. It's Christmas Eve and they must be too excited thinking about Santa to sleep. They have a Weevil in the car which they release with a tracking chip. The bad guys beat up the Weevil and load it into their van. Torchwood follows. Tosh gets all RSCPW on Jack's ass.

SalesGay's apartment: Owen has let SalesGay take him home. They never told us where Torchwood got the alien date rape drug from; perhaps SalesGay wants Weevils for another purpose. Side effects of prolonged ADRD use: possible aggression. “So what's your outlet for the anger?”, asks SalesGay. “Don't say gax sex, don't say gay sex”, thinks Owen. “Who said I was angry?”, says Owen. “I'm not criticising. You're not the only pissed off bloke out there.”, says SalesGay. Instead of pointing to a 1 in 10 poster, he takes off his shirt. “Fancy a beer?”, he asks? “Yeah, why not?”, says Owen. Uhm, Rohypnot?

SalesGay gives Owen a speech about working yourself stupid and before he can break out into a Dolly Partin song, Owen interrupts him to say he only came for a beer. As has been done over and over in the new series of Doctor Who, SalesGay comes out with the season's quote: There's something coming in the darkness, it's coming for Jack Harkness. “Who the **** is Jack Harkness?”, thinks SalesGay just before the Torchwood egg timer runs out of sand and we're transported back to the lair of the Gwen.

At the lair of the Gwen, Rhys has come home. “Two pints is all I could take” says Rhys. I'd say he was a lightweight, but that's visibly slander. Reports about the effect of fat on alcohol absorption must be true. Just as I'm getting ready for another boring few minutes, Gwen comes out with the confession that she's sleeping with Owen. Wow, things are going to get interesting! But they're not. For Gwen has slipped him an amnesia pill, saving the show the bother of pressing the Big Reset Switch. Cowardly trollop. Rhys starts to drift off. “Stay with me Rhys, stay with me!”. “Oh ****”, thinks Gwen, “Did I give him the amnesia pill or my cyanide tablet?”. Rhys falls asleep before Gwen can get her answer. Oh well, she can drug him again tomorrow night.

Back at the Big Gay Apartment, Owen is snooping around upstairs. “Found the bathroom yet?”, asks SalesGay. “Yeah thanks”, says Owen. SalesGay will personally show him the master bedroom later. Owen sees a room with a padlock on it. “This must be the slave bedroom”, thinks Owen. Because really, noone is stupid enough to put the massive padlock on the outside of their super secret room surely? But this is Torchwood, and sure enough, it's the room with the goods. Owen reaches in his bag for his sonic screwdriver, woops wrong show. He takes out a beauty utensil and picks the lock with it.

Inside is a Weevil. SalesGay walks in and catches Owen red handed. He seems remarkably cool about the situation. He lurves Owen. He gives several theories as to what he thinks the Weevil is. “You know what I think?”, he says, “I think it's us in 1000 years time”. I think he's been taking evolution lessons from Ianto. He makes Intelligent Design look clever. SalesGay tells Owen to give it a smack. “We all need a punchbag”, says SalesGay. And SalesGay doesn't have a wife. SalesGay reveals that he knows about Owen's connections and gives him stink about ruining his plans. “What about Dan Hodges? What about his wife and kids?”, asks Owen. “I'm not responsible for people's life choices”, says SalesGay. Bloody breeders. Owen and SalesGay hash things out. After Owen drops his gun, SalesGay decides to show him everything.

Back at Torchwood Hub, Gwen's getting her necrophilia on with the dead guy. Just then, his phone beeps. A text message arrives with random letters. Gwen figures out that it's an address and relays the message to Torchwood. Hooray, Gwen saves the day, hooray for Gwen, for she is wholesome and perfect in every way but her front teeth.

At the warehouse, Owen and SalesGay are walking through the set of Fight Club. “This is only the warm-up”, says SalesGay, “Come on”. Wait, he can't go without warming up, he'll do himself an injury! SalesGay shoes Owen the cage where the guys fight Weevils. SalesGay forces Owen into the cage. Owen looks the Weevil in the eye as if to say “Remember me?”. Weevil remembers the night they made love, it sits there staring at him with its wide eyes instead of attacking. Owen has himself a moment. Just as he's blissing out, Jack bursts in and starts firing. The Weevil freaks out and attacks Owen. Torchwood rescues him but not before Jack hesitates to shoot the Weevil. “Please, just £5 a month can help protect Weevils like Janet”. Jack tells everyone to go home and they obey. It all seems very easy. Just as everything is hunky dory, SalesGay commits suicide by jumping in with the Weevil. That's one way to deal with character aftermath.

Hospital: Owen is recovering and Jack walks in. “I hate grapes”, says Owen. “Oh, Ianto loves grapes”, thinks Jack, “I guess Owen won't be wanting his other present either in that case”. Owen throws a little hissy fit at Jack for saving his life. “For a few moments in that cage I felt totally at peace Jack” before giving him a “Jack knows best” lecture. Fortunately Jack's having none of it. “You'll be back in work tomorrow”, he says. You'd better be Owen, or he'll shoot your girlfriend. Just like he shot Diane when she returned from an unsuccessful trip back through the rift.

Back at Torchwood Hub, Owen's getting in touch with his warm blooded side. He goes down to the basement. The Weevils growl at this amphibious oddity. Owen pulls his purple slits back in a rat like manner. Owen's evolving! Into a rat maybe, but at least he's worked his way up to mammal. Next year, American students are being shown Torchwood in science class instead of learning about Darwinism. Fortunately, they won't understand the Welsh accents.

Cabaal

didn't think it was a bad ep to be honest, I liked it

Stark

It got better towards the end I thought.

Leprachaun

I saw this last night,first episode ive seen.All I can say is.....what just happened

BuffyBot

One of the better ones, except for the Fight Club aspect which was a bit predictable..the lack of crapness was slightly surprising and offered a glimmer of what could be

Kolodny

Stark, when the series ends I think I will miss your synopses of episodes far more than I will miss the show!

I thought this one was ok but as is often the case, it left me a bit frustrated (and I don't just mean no full body shots of Ianto ) I would have liked to have seen where that moment between Owen and the Weevil in the cage was going before the others blundered in for example. A bit of a growl back at the hub at the end didn't expand on it that much.

Stark

Kolodny wrote:

Stark, when the series ends I think I will miss your synopses of episodes far more than I will miss the show!

Thanks, this show's only good for being mocked really I'm going to put a few more synopses on my blog I reckon.

iguana

Maybe you can contact these guys and get a job when Torchwood airs in the US?

ixoy

iguana wrote:

Maybe you can contact these guys and get a job when Torchwood airs in the US?

TWOP was the inspiration for the style of Stark's recaps. They love "Doctor Who" there so maybe they'll take up Torchwood if the Beeb manages to con Sci-Fi into airing it.

Stark

iguana wrote:

Maybe you can contact these guys and get a job when Torchwood airs in the US?

The FAQ on their site says they're most definitely not hiring

Edit: 5 recaps up. I need a long break now from watching it now. Those last 15 mins of Day One nearly killed me.

popebenny16

Stark wrote:

The FAQ on their site says they're most definitely not hiring

Edit: 5 recaps up. I need a long break now from watching it now. Those last 15 mins of Day One nearly killed me.

No, that is forbidden, you must now review the climax (sorry) that we had to endure (some of us, ok, me) twice.

(I'm sure the real Capt Jack had a bit of explaining to do, and it may mot have been Jerry who show him out of the sky....0

Getting ahead of meself............

This was pronising, but the fight club thing was just bloddy awful, the way jack was able to break up the place ("Go Home" We could do with him in our local pub) and everyone obeying him was just awful, awful, but not as bad as Mr Estate Agent simply being so impressed by Owen that we strolls into the cage, perhaps in an act on atonement, to be killed. Bad writing, all plot, all development, but when you run into a big wall and dont actually know what to do when Jack comes into the room, its all a big waste of time.

Owen gets more repulsive, so what, thats not charatacter development.

Gwen fells bad for ignoring badly developed character boyfriend guy, and shagging Mr Interesting-Sexlife 2006. If RTD was straight and Rhys was gay and portrayed in the same stereotypical manner Peter Tatcher would declare war, I tell you. Then she makes him forget, which is another lazy cop out, but in a serial full of lazy cop outs whose going to notice another one, esp when we have a double helping of it new years day.

Stark

popebenny16 wrote:

No, that is forbidden, you must now review the climax (sorry) that we had to endure (some of us, ok, me) twice.

(I'm sure the real Capt Jack had a bit of explaining to do, and it may mot have been Jerry who show him out of the sky....0

My review of the episode "Captain Jack Harkness" is up. Half way through "Apocalypse Again", should be up tonight.

http://stark.journals.ie/2007/01/03/torchwood-ep-1x12-captain-jack-harkness/

I actually liked the last two episodes. The last 10 minutes of the finale were pretty ****e, but up to that I thought it was the best they've done so far.