How do i sort this ?

LegacyUser

Hey. going unreged for this


Okay so here is the story, my girlfriend is a lovely, sweet, caring, generous, amazing and sexy woman. But there is a problem....


She is slightly larger girl, which i love to be honest. I'm just not into skinny size 6 models.

She makes me smile, laugh and cry every day. She's funny, so effictionat and caring. And most of all willing to put up with me !


But the problem is she is sooo paranoid about her weight. Now by no means is she HUGE. She just has it in her head, that she is massive.


We have had lots of discussions about loosing weight and diets. And they always turn into a argument. I myself studied sports, even thought i dont practice it ( abera kebabra has me hooked ) But i would conside myself fairly fit. By no means have i a washboard stomach, or pecks to die for.


But i can hold my own.


But the recent problems have been caused by my girlfriend. Never during sex will she get naked. even though i find her amazingly sexy, and her body a huge turn on " which i tell her every time we have sex, or get effictionate ". but she always has to keep her top on ( or other item of clothing ). Which i can handle, As its her thing, and i wont rush her(even though we have been together months).

Its the same when getting dressed, She always gets dressed in the shower/bathroom. Never infront of me. But yet she loves me walking around naked infront of her. Which i have no problem doing. Now i have no problem with this, i like my body so i have no problem showing it off. To a extent, which only includes herself.


But now she is getting so bitchy about her weight, about loosing it and looking better. I myself dont think she could look better, but she really want to loose some weight. I'm constantly shouted at for looking at a woman on the tv. Wven thought im not looking.


But recently we have talked about her loosing weight, as it seems to depress her soo much, Since i have some knowledge in training and diets, i thought i could help her. But for everything i say, she has something else back to say....


This is a typical conversation:

Me: Honey if you really wanna loose some weight, why not try a cross training regeime ? ( 10 mins legs, arms, back, repeat. Followed by sauna )

Herself: my doctor says i have bad knees, i cant do it.

Me: Okay how about some light running, rowing machine ( just using the arms ) and work on the stomach ( which she is most paranoid about ) then swimming followed by the sauna ?

Herself: But my doctor, my knees lock, i have a condition ! If my legs go straight they lock !

Me: okay honey, i understand, thats why with the rowing machine you dont have to straighten you legs, you can just use it as a arm/back excersize.

Herself: " YOU THINK IM FAT AND THINK IM UGLY " * SLAM DOORS "

I tell the girl 400 times a day that i love her, and think she is the sexiest thing in the world, and wouldnt change her for anything. But she is the one that wants to change, and i will help her through it. No matter the cost.


But she thinks im slagging her. But im just trying to incourage her to actually go to the gym, as if she does actually go she will see a difference in herself, and become more confident within herself.


Am i a complete bastard ?

Am i going about this the wrong way ?

What am i doing wrong ?

All i want to do is help my amazing girlfriend. She means the world to me, and i dont want to loose her over this.

And yes i have offered to go to the gym with her. I have offered to go walking with her, cut down the crap we eat. But no mater what i do it is thrown in my face.

Now i hope this is not a problem with me, But the ammount she tells me its my problem im beginning to wonder ! Christ i dont want her to change, but she wants to change herself. And im trying to help !


She often says to me " why are you with a fat b.itch like me>? "

Ive explained so many times i love her, and find her sexy and amazing, but at this point no matter what i say does not work.

What should i do ?


p.s Sorry for such a long post.

genewilder

Hmmm, isn't this the age old problem of "does my bum look big in this". When a girl asks about her weight there is no right answer.

It does sound to me like you are really being a wonderfully loving boyfriend and possibly your girlfriend is almost intimidated by this. While she obviously does have issues with self esteem it is extending beyond her self image to a belief that she does not deserve a boyfriend like you and is possibly scared of losing you.

Her talk about locking knees ... hmmm ... she is coming up with excuses and possibly scared of trying and failing and you seeing it.

I think the subject of her losing weight needs to be taken away from you. Are there any friends of hers you could talk to about this ... and I mean really good friends ... they could suggest weight watchers or one of those things. She could then go to this ... pretend its a night out with the girls ... and get the tools she needs to work on her diet rather than the gym. Also can you stop the kebabs and claim that your new years resolution is to get yourself fit ... therefore taking crap food out of the house.

But what do I know ... I run a chocolate factory.

Miss Fluff

You sound really supportive of her. I guess as genewilder said, cutting down on the kebabs would be a good first move and watching portion control while eating together. Locking knees is a load of tripe imo, sounds like she is either lazy/afraid of failing. Weightwatchers is definitely the way forward for her, would you suggest that both of you go together?

Nevyn

If she is that body concious then going to the gym will seem like a horrible idea to her and there are huge confidence issues as well with undressing to go swimming.

Why not look at going for walks together in the evenings or geting her an excerise bike for at home and the both of you change your diets together.

If lecturing her albiet welling meaningly but working your way through kebabs it can see hypcritical.

With the ammount of brainwashing out there around the female figure it can be hard for a women to understand that they are big and beautiful and that thier partner loves then and is turned by them being not a size 12.

There are lots of very gentle ways to work the tummy area with out reorting to going to a gym, walking, ti chi, yoga see what she would be intrested in doing and maybe do it together.

As for her self estime well that may take a lot of work, and she will be resistant but why not try papmering her, giver her a massage, draw her a bubble bath, cover her in kisses get her used to you touching her all over.

LegacyUser

I was once in a relationship very similar to this one without the kebabs, though and found it very emotionally draining, the I can't do this, do that,do the other attitude followed by "You think I'm fat". I found it to be akin to emotional blackmail as you end up running backwards at huge pace for something you never said in the first place.

Firstly if she is going to ask you for help/ideas re weightloss she has to be open to it and any suggestions you may have.

Secondarily do not let her go to any of the crash course diet places, they are only a short term fix not a long term benefit.

Thirdly do not let her turn her weight into the crux of the relationship.

Linoge

OP, I think you've got bigger problems than helping your gf to lose weight, but with regards to the losing weight, she is obviously very against excercise. Although excercise is very important and is a great help in losing weight her diet is much more important. You will never get a perfect body on diet alone, but it can certainly help shed alot of pounds which will prob help boost confidence.

Thaedydal wrote:

There are lots of very gentle ways to work the tummy area with out reorting to going to a gym,

I would only concentrate on the tummy area if you are at a low enough body fat to see the results (no point in having a six pack buried beneath a stone of fat), and gently working the abs is an oxymoron. Abs is the last place I would think about if I wouldn't even go to the gym.

D-Generate

Alternative advice is to break up with her to save yourself a lot of mental stress. There is nothing worse than someone who moans about their body but they are too lazy to change what upsets them. Its really not that hard if you have any self control. Can't say i could find someone who is needy and lacks will power attractive even if they were perfect in every other way. They are just two qualities that i think are necessary as how can you ever expect someone to commit to a relationship if they can't even commit to a good eating plan. People will think i'm harsh but seriously, needy people are more trouble than they are worth. Find another good looking girl with some form of independence, then you will be happy.

Nevyn

I wasn't on about toning up to rock abs or to define the muscles but there are ways with walking and reducing calories to gently tone up the underlining muscle.
Posture plays a part in it as well, if she is that doen on herself chances are she will be slumping all the time and not sitting or standing correctly will mean the area has be come lax, sitting and standing correctly sholders back and holdign in those muscles will work towards strenghtening and tightening them.

Pigman II

why are you with a fat b.itch like me

This is the key sentence for me

She constantly comparing the two of you in the couple and she feels self concious because you are in good shape compared with her. In her eyes you're about a 4 or a 5 out of 10 but she's only a 2 or 3. She probably even entertains notions of you running off with a slimmer, less irrational woman hense the quote above.

You say you are happy with the way she looks (and why shouldn't you be ?) She clearly doesn't want to do anything about her weight (excuses, excuses) so the only option left is for you to take control of the situation to reduce this attractiveness difference between you.

So the solution is asap just let yourself go completely! Make it your new years resolution if you like. Stop shaving & washing and instead start munching on the snacks and beer until you have a nice big beer-belly all of your own. Might not do you any favours but remember to just keep telling yourself *I'm doing it for her*!

Before long you the two of you should be a better 'match' for each other she won't be so paranoid about you being with her anymore. Good luck!

LegacyUser

some good advice given but tbh is it all true, have you offered to do things with her, walks go to the gym etc and how is her diet, there are some medical problems that can cause weight gain, in ability to lose weight. i agree she needs to get up and do have a talk to herself become more active, but can't help but think that we are not seeing the true side to the story! how often do you have these conversations and does she always react like that slamming doors etc?

justsomebloke

ok if she really wants to lose weight diet is the key and not exercise, get her to start making better choices about what she eats, and chances are that both of yous could beneift from a better diet. Then when she starts to lose weight from having a proper diet maybe she may feel better about starting exercising at that point.

Now i have no idea how you are going to bring this up without thinking you are calling her fat but eh that is thee problem for you, sorry.

CharLit

Dear OP,

Sounds like you are really wonderful and supportive to your girlfriend, but she is too obsessed with these issues to see it.

I would carry on telling her how amazing you think she looks, and stop giving her advice on how to lose weight: she is so unhappy with herself that she can only hear weight loss advice as criticism/confirmation of her body image: "if he's telling me how to lose weight he must think I'm fat". It might be healthy for her to get some exercise (as it is for everyone of course), but at the moment you trying to help her with this is counterproductive: it's not making her exercise, and it is making her feel worse. Furthermore, as the issue is her body image, rather than her actual body, even if she did lose weight it would probably never be enough for her, she will hate herself however she looks.

For that reason, I don't think she can (or should) work on her body until she's worked on her self-esteem, and I'm afraid there is only so much you can do to help her there. I would suggest counselling, but that might also be hard for you to say without her taking it as criticism ("oh, so now I'm fat AND a psycho"). If you feel you can bring it up 'safely', do. If not, whenever she brings up her body issues, say things along the lines of "It's such a shame that such a gorgeous woman can't see how lovely she is!" - try to subtly get it into her head that the problem is how she sees herself, not what she actually looks like. Avoid comments along the lines of "you are beautiful to me" and "I think you're beautiful" - she needs to hear that she is beautiful, period, not just to the one who loves her.

Finally, this must be incredibly hard on you. Do what you can to help her, but don't lose yourself in the process. If it gets to the point where this relationship is hurting you more than it is adding to your life, do choose you, however hard it is. If you can't save her, don't let her drag you down with her.

Take care!

C

Lust4Life

Losing weight is a huge commitment to yourself.
If there is a great deal of weight to be lost, then the amount of time it takes will be longer.

Not everyone has what it takes to drop the weight they have allowed themselves to gain.

I know a lady who took 3 years to gradually lose 200 pounds.
And I also know a lady who wanted to lose 50 pounds - lost her first 15 and gave up after two months no matter how much encouragement she was given.

I personally was able to drop 45 pounds and it was no easy task and it took a long time to do through diet and exercise. And after all that hard work, I refuse to ever gain it back.

But it's like quitting smoking or dropping some other nasty habit. You have to fully commit yourself to doing it and stick with it.

I would tell your lady the following- Don't let yourself give in. Keep a list of reasons why you are doing it always within reach, and revise them as you go.

Look through your wardrobe and pick something you bought that no longer fits you. And make it a goal to fit into those clothes or even exceed to a smaller weight.

Most of all, she needs a support system of someone who has been through it. There are several diet web sites she could turn to for help if that is the route she wishes to take. Everyone on those sites are trying to achieve the same goal as her. And there are before and after pictures that would inspire her as well.

And fresh vegetables are the utmost key to losing weight. They MUST be included in her diet with every meal (well, not breakfast maybe).

As far as exercise goes, she can walk. And yes, it will be painful at first. She can start out slow and work her way up to long distances. If she dedicates 15 minutes a day for the first few weeks, and works up to 30 minutes a day after 3 weeks, and then making herself walk faster and further in that time allotment she will see results. She just has to stick to it.

There are a million excuses. But there are also a million reasons why it is worth the effort.

If she wants, she can PM me and I would be happy to give encouragement and tips to help her along the way.

Hugs,

L

Jotter

I think her problem is more self esteem than weight. I imagine that even if she lost loads of weight then another problem with looks would crop up. Talk to a close friend of hers tell your concerns and between the 2 of you see if you can get her to go for counselling or one of those personal developement classes - that combined with a new lifestyle for both of you could help sort your problem.

lilrayosunshine

As someone else mentioned.. you should try the new years resolution and cut out crap food and take up a hobby together (walking/cycling/yoga-anything that she gets to keep her clothes on for)
If you are doing it together it will be much easier on her
Fair play to you though.. you seem to be very supportive!

vorbis

jees, don't know how long I could put up with a girl like that!
She constantly complains about her weight and then comes out with crap about how a rowing machine affects her knees !!!
I'm sorry OP but the cynic in me suggests that she's getting some sort of perverse enjoyment from this. Btw what is "large", I only tend to notice women being fat when they are quite noticeably fat.

Your girl quite simply doesn't want to change. She's refused running, swimming, rowing and presumably a host of other suggestions put forward by you. She DOES however want to beat you over the head regards her perceived weight problem. That is seriously not healthy for you man!

girl25

I know what ur going through in a way my partner is a big man and like that he tells me you dont know what its like to be my size its not easy to lose the weight. We went around in circles for a long time. Then he got a home gym used it for a while and gave up. We tried the eating healthy thing we trried chinese herbs i supported him like u support ur gf as i have a high metabolism and i ma size 8 to 10 i dont really have weight worries. So i gave up saying anything when he mentioned it and said when ur ready to lose the weight u let me know and i ll do what i can. So he kept saying i might join a gym so on way home from work one day i brought him in and said now there ya go join and i paid for it. So i make a good effort not to eat crap at home and stay healthy myself. We still have a treat like take away once a week. Its good for me too thou helps us both eat better and he did lose weight and ppl have noticed and he finds going to the gym gives him lots of energy. But we are doing it as a lifestyle not a mad diet we eat proper meals and do all the things we still did but in moderation ya know. You need to make small healthy steps dont make it like a diet where she will feel pressured to lose alot of weight

LegacyUser

Never offered to go walking with me or gym, can't get him out from behind his computer...

I myself studied sports, even thought i dont practice it ( abera kebabra has me hooked ) But i would conside myself fairly fit. By no means have i a washboard stomach, or pecks to die for.


P.E at GCSE level!

My diet is fine when im not around him, as i get into a routine of drinking beer and eating crap! when im at home i eat rather well! And yes the majority of people here are correct, i dont have the confidence to go to the gym as its full of skinny beautiful women, especially at the only time i can go! I have address the issue with my self and am doing something about it, if i had the support he says he has been giving me i would be losing weight!

And the above TYPICAL conversation was the first serious discussion we have had about my weight and it was at 2am he was drunk and i had to be up for work at 630.. so please forgive me for getting frustrated!

yes i was worried about other girls etc as i had found out his ex was with him two weeks before i had arranged to spend my first weekend with him up with him, and never told me.. if you get my drift. he says nothing happened and i believe him i know he wouldnt lie to me but i can't help he has serious history with his woman.

so im sorry yes im overweight and self conscience, but who isn't these days(yes i know slim people who are not self conscience!) and im addressing my issue!

cheers for sopme understand from some posters and also please people dont believe everything you read, only glad i saw this here.

LegacyUser

Take it your the girl in question then? Could I just ask what weight/height you actually are. my cousin is around 5ft 5 and 8 stone yet she really believes shes fat. Always dieting and worrying etc but I try to tell her its all in her head.

girl25

BullSj1t wrote:

Never offered to go walking with me or gym, can't get him out from behind his computer...



P.E at GCSE level!

My diet is fine when im not around him, as i get into a routine of drinking beer and eating crap! when im at home i eat rather well! And yes the majority of people here are correct, i dont have the confidence to go to the gym as its full of skinny beautiful women, especially at the only time i can go! I have address the issue with my self and am doing something about it, if i had the support he says he has been giving me i would be losing weight!


can i just say you shud want to lose the weight for u not him. my hubby had to be ready to lose weight for him not me and when he was ready he has dropped weight and im so proud of him. And yes by the way i m skinny but i m so self concious about other things we all have things we hate about ourselves but if u try boost ur confidence u will feel so much better.

spurious

Jotter wrote:

I think her problem is more self esteem than weight.

Almost every 'personal issue' here has a self-esteem component. Low self esteem is really the scourge of people in this country, in their personal lives, working lives, relationships with parents, spouses, children.

If she does not feel she is worth taking care of for herself, how can she possibly believe anything nice you say to her?

If you can work on her self esteem all the rest will follow.

Catari Jaguar

BullSj1t wrote:

Never offered to go walking with me or gym, can't get him out from behind his computer...

I myself studied sports, even thought i dont practice it ( abera kebabra has me hooked ) But i would conside myself fairly fit. By no means have i a washboard stomach, or pecks to die for.


P.E at GCSE level!

My diet is fine when im not around him, as i get into a routine of drinking beer and eating crap! when im at home i eat rather well! And yes the majority of people here are correct, i dont have the confidence to go to the gym as its full of skinny beautiful women, especially at the only time i can go! I have address the issue with my self and am doing something about it, if i had the support he says he has been giving me i would be losing weight!

And the above TYPICAL conversation was the first serious discussion we have had about my weight and it was at 2am he was drunk and i had to be up for work at 630.. so please forgive me for getting frustrated!

yes i was worried about other girls etc as i had found out his ex was with him two weeks before i had arranged to spend my first weekend with him up with him, and never told me.. if you get my drift. he says nothing happened and i believe him i know he wouldnt lie to me but i can't help he has serious history with his woman.

so im sorry yes im overweight and self conscience, but who isn't these days(yes i know slim people who are not self conscience!) and im addressing my issue!

cheers for sopme understand from some posters and also please people dont believe everything you read, only glad i saw this here.

If this isn't a troll I have some advice:

Why are you being such a b1tch? he cares about you, enough to get advice from strangers. Cop the fcuk on before you lose him. Sounds like you're just insecure in general. The weight thing is an excuse to hide behind, hence you make excuses not to lose it.

I think you need to sort out your real issues. Every time you bring it up you are looking for reassurance of love and some attention etc, women do that, but someday he might "see" what he is oblivious to now if you keep saying it.

Don't worry about the ex. He is in love with YOU.

The gym isn't full of beautiful, skinny women. It's full of sweaty oul ones looking to lose weight. Thats what its for. And all they care about is their own image. If your bloke thinks your sexy and beautiful and he's who matters and who you are trying to impress then who else matters????

You want to lose weight for YOU go ahead. But don't eat the face off him when he has no issue with it and only wants you to be happy.

Marksie

OK.. both of you now know what you think as regards the other.

Time for you two to sit down and have a talk without alcohol... and without getting angry.

There is obviously two dispatrate views going on here, one that says they are supportive and the other saying differently... and giving reasons why they are feeling like that.

The weight issue is one thing, but it may be a blind to other issues, self esteem or trust for example.

One possibility is to write down..like you have here, what is actually going on andn why you are feeling uncomfortable and use that as the starting piont for opening lines of communication which will lead you to resolving this.

It is probably not going to be easy and if one or the other party gets upset at what is being said, then stop at that point.
Do be clear to each other that you are being open about this, and emphasis that you ar not trying to upset each other but each should listen quietly and, iff necessary take time to assimilate what is being said, rethare than leaping in and casuing a full scale row.

Shellie13

show her this post!

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice guys tbh that was he first time we have chatted about it.. but we will talk about it again when its a proper time and when we are both in the right frame of mind!

there is no trust issue, i do trust him completely, my only issue is with my weight and like i said i am address that at the moment!

and as for lil kitten, how would you feel if you came on here and read somethign your b/f had written about you and that half of it was lies, thats why i got annoyed!

Talliesin

bullsh1t wrote:

there is no trust issue, i do trust him completely, my only issue is with my weight and like i said i am address that at the moment!

If you could trust him enough to be naked with him despite what you feel about your body then that could probably help in several ways though.

I know that's more about what you feel about your body than about what you feel about him, but still.