So annoyed with friend

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on a bit of a situation that cropped up the other night..

I'm a guy, mid twenties. I was out lately with all my old school friends, everything went well until the end of the night when it was just me and one guy left, probably my closest friend of all, Michael, and we bumped into a college class mate of his Mary. Now Michael and Mary had another friend Joanne in their class whom I dated for a some few months. It was my first serious relationship and ended pretty badly for me and i took a good while to get over her. That was about three years ago and i'm totally fine about it now.
But going back to the night in question and Michael asks Mary how her night was. Long story short and they end up talking about Joanne when they suddenly realise i'm standing there too (even though i had no problem with them talking about her because as I have said i'm completely over her) and quickly change the subject "incase he starts crying again" and have a good old laugh at my expense right there infront of me, not 'even' behind my back!
I just felt like such an idiot at that moment for trusting Michael as a friend. I just turned around, let them keep talking and walked away home. I always realised that he was in an awkward situation after the break-up with Joanne but still I never put presure or even asked him to spend less time with her. Now i find out that he's nothing but a two-faced liar. The thing is though that I think he doesn't even realise he has offended me because he was drunk at the time. However he tried calling me about 6 times today and i never answered so he definetly knows something is up.

Now i'm faced with a dilemna.

Do i tell him what happened the other night and how i feel that i just can't trust him anymore and would prefer to just go on separate paths from now on? Perhaps he could learn from his mistake and try to do the right thing in future, thats wishful thinking though.
My other option i believe is to pretend like nothing has happened but just stop hanging around with him and make excuses not to see him, that kind of thing.
My final option would be to tell him what happened and to try and forgive him but this would be very difficult for me as he really let himself down by joking about me when i was in a really difficult part of my life.

Can anyone give me some advice?

dudara

I'm not sure, but do you think that you might have over-reacted? It sounds like he tried to crack a joke at your expense, albeit a bad one.

Either way, the only way forward is to talk to him and explain why this upset you.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

you could try growing up? maybe a little light cursing, some 'sure I'm over that idiot ages now' and a good natured punch in the kidneys?

sheesh

LegacyUser

First of all I would have hit him a slap for saying that. And secondly, it'd take a lot for me to talk to someone like that again. Pure disrespect, and from someone who called himself a friend of yours!

dudara

Please do not advocate the use of violence in this forum. Further mentions of violence will warrant use of the banning stick.

dudara

Bottle_of_Smoke

Eh... sounds like a joke - grow up. You say you're over her but it doesn't seem that way if you had to write an essay on boards after one little comment.

If he's calling you he obviously didnt mean anything bad AND HE WAS DRUNK. I don't think you should take it to heart.

Moojuice

I slag my friends all the time and they me. Although in your case it does seem a little harsh, however one way to counter is join right in "Oh yeah **** I think I feel the tears welling up already..boo hoo....." that kind of thing. Make it really ridiculous and stupid. If you are getting slagged and dont like it either slag back or take the sting out of it and take control by slagging yourself. It works wonders.

Talliesin

Yeah, this sounds like an attempt at "slagging" that was misjudged. The misjudgement in turn sounds like too much drink. I'd say it was probably intended to be a joke that was at your expense but one that you could see the humour in too, but he just got that completely wrong.

spudington16

dudara wrote:

Please do not advocate the use of violence in this forum. Further mentions of violence will warrant use of the banning stick.

dudara

Hmm... Is this a literal banning stick? Surely that would be a threat of violence, would it not, Dudura? And surely that could result in a banning, could it not??? Stick to Tae kwon do!!!

LegacyUser

'People do mistakes... and he did try calling you. If he really is one of your closest friends, why throw an entire friendship away on a silly comment. About him being two faced... maybe he isn't. It could have been just that one comment he said. When he was talking to Mary.. maybe he wanted to make a joke out of it (I know it was at your expense...)+ be a 'big man' , as opposed to saying 'Mary, we should stop talking about Joanne in case we hurt (your) feelings'. + maybe you did take things too seriously. Argue your point if you think it's worth it. Whatever you ... if you do decide to ditch him as a friend, tell him exactly why+ maybe he'll even make it up to you and be sorry.'

Steve01

Unless there's something your not telling us it does sound like you over-reacted. He was drunk, it was an off-colour comment at your expense. If you're over this girl then whats the big deal? I'd say answer his next call and hear him out before you make your decision

Nevyn

spudington16, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Vorsprung

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Eh... sounds like a joke - grow up. You say you're over her but it doesn't seem that way if you had to write an essay on boards after one little comment.

If he's calling you he obviously didnt mean anything bad AND HE WAS DRUNK. I don't think you should take it to heart.

What he said, sounds like you need to lighten up tbh

wyndham

You are being a drama queen. You are going to lose your friend over a tiny bit of drunken slagging about a girl that happened years ago. If he rang 6 times, sounds like a good friend tbh. It is he who should be thinking about "going separate paths".

Pigman II

Sounds to me like the guy was just joking around. But that said he sounds like he got you spot on the way you seem to over-react to the littlest thing if this post is anything to go by.

Do you cry when you step on a bug too? Stop taking everything so seriously and you'll feel a lot better.

Caliden

If something like that happened me, i would laugh, call them something in a joking manner, and take it in good spirits.

Sounds innocent to me.

Red Alert

i think you're overreacting a lot. i'd say there was no malice at all intended, and it's a normal enough thing to say.

JC 2K3

You sound like you've never had the píss taken out of you before, yeesh....

Advice? Grow up.

LegacyUser

What he said was bad, sounds like he was taking the piss but too far etc and yeah taht's bad.

But don't stop talking to him over it! I know someone who stopped talking to me over a little (bad) taking piss comment and they made me feel 100 times worse than I ever made them feel (I almost made a post about here).

I know how you feel though, you're probably worried that all your friends call you a crybaby behind your back but I wouldn't worry, just think about what you say!!!

LegacyUser

Hmm a mixed bag of comments there. Majority of them completely unhelpful but some good advice too.

First of all i didn't overeact at all because i didn't do anything about it, i just walked home! Secondly when they were talking about me crying it was because i cried in front of the ex gf when she broke it off, something they obviously found quite amusing even though i was in the depths of despair at that time in my life. But so what if i'm man enough to show real emotion. How on earth that makes me less mature or childish i just don't know. I'd suggest that anyone out there who would argue this point could do with a look in the mirror and perhaps do some growing up for themselves.

The thing that irritates me in the situation is that my friend can happily drift between one group of friends where openly abusing another of his friends, ie me, is acceptable. Then he expects to hang out with me again like nothing has happened. I don't think so. As i have said, this is completely two faced behaviour. To be honest i've seen this nasty side of him with alot of my other friends where he will slag them in private but pretend like they are the best of friends when they are together. It's his m.o. I just didn't think he would be like this with me too as we are very good friends. I know it was only a small comment, it's not the comment that bothers me, it's the thinking behind it. And to those who say let it go because he was drunk at the time, you have completely missed the point becasue guess what, the truth often only comes out when people are drunk, how convenient!

I'll be seeing him tomorrow. Haven't decided to tell him what i think yet. I might just let the whole thing blow over and make a conscious effort not to hang out with him so much in future. I don't really have a problem with this and he'll probably be none the wiser too for a while. If i can't trust him then why be friends, that's the bottom line for me. And to those who ask is it worth throwing a friendship away for such a silly comment well I reiterate, it was not the comment but the realisation that he's two faced with me that was the last straw.

dame

He was drunk, his brain wasn't functioning as well as it should have been, hence he said the first thing that came into his head to cover an awkward moment when he realised they were talking about your ex, who you say you were very upset over when it ended. That's what I'd take from the episode.

You seem to have taken it a bit harder than that. You need to learn the difference between people's tone of voice and facial expresions when they say things (jokingly, ironically or whatever), so that you don't take offence unnecessarily.

Or maybe you made a meal of it and enjoyed the sympathy a bit too much when you broke up? Perhaps this guy just isn't a very sympathetic guy and wished you'd gotten a grip a bit sooner and not been crying on his shoulder so much? Just another possibility but I would say it's more likely to be the first scenario.

newestUser

You've said that you disliked some of his behaviour in the past. I wouldn't 100% agree with the "hey yer mate had a few, just let it slide" view. In vino veritas. Your friend was quite disrespectful, and perhaps this is how he talks about you when you're not around.

That said, no-one's perfect, he's made repeated attempts to get back in touch with you, and this is just one incident. Forgive him, try and move on, if he does something similar again in the near future, you can officially brand him an asshole.

You're not being a drama queen, it's perfectly understandable to be upset at what he said.

Sangre

unregkerry wrote:

First of all i didn't overeact at all because i didn't do anything about it, i just walked home!

You stormed off home and you won't answer his calls. I call that doing something.

newestUser

Sangre wrote:

You stormed off home and you won't answer his calls. I call that doing something.

I don't think that's an over-reaction. If someone was taking some painful previous experience of mine and making a joke out of it at my expense in company, I'd storm off too.

The OP is being criticised for being too sensitive, which I think is unfair. It's understandable for him to be upset at the comment. That said, to further recycle my previous post, he should try to put it behind him. He's made his point, now he should get back in touch with his mate and move on.

Cake Fiend

Regardless of whether your friend meant what he said in a typical matey deprecative banter way, or genuinely meant it maliciously, you should have called him on it there and then instead of walking off in a strop. Ignoring his phone calls isn't helping your image as the over-sensitive type either.

LegacyUser

I'd have to agree with you, OP. I'd react pretty similarly, and I'm not sure I could trust a friend after revealing that side of himself. I don't think you've overreacted at all.

Having said that, I'm not sure how I'd proceed in your situation. Probably, the best thing to do is tell him how he's hurt you (silence doesn't say anything clearly). You don't need to explain that you're going to be keeping a distance from him from now on, that part you can just go ahead and do. He'll get the picture.

Also, we've all been drunk, which is why we all know it's no excuse for anything at all. He mightn't have made the mistake of showing his true colours if he was sober, but that doesn't change anything.

Marksie

Your second post was most instructive as to the reasons you did what you did.

The question now is, how much his close friendship means to you?

If you talk to him about how it made you feel, would he be contrite to your face and then slag you off behind your back?

It is not a great way to treat people making fun of what was a highly emotional time in your life. It would seem he pushed buttons there. Maybe he has realised it and him trying to call you indicates this is so.

If you tell him what you have told us..that he acts in a two faced fashion depending which group he is with and that such behaviour i not acceptable, would that make things worse?

Would it be better if he bacame an aquaintance rather than a friend.. that is someone you may have a drink with but not someone to who you divulge personal information?

I am considering whether it would have been wise to ask him at the time what he got out of it, slagging you like that and why he needs to say things behind peoples backs..but i think that it was probably best that you walked away.

Your other friends? Do they see this aspect? Have they commented on it?

If other posters have said that you are over reacting and that you should grow up, then the same applies to your friend.

Moojuice

What do you expect? Roses and rainbows? No friendship is perfect, people make mistakes, friends hurt each other, but they get over it because its what friends are about. So as a lot of other people said, grow up. If you get so worked up about something like that then I dont know how you survive in the big bad world.

killeoin

Hi,

I think it was just one of those situations that when drink was involved that you may have misjudged the situation? Has often happened to me. Remember drink can make people paranoid etc.. (I know you have allready denied this).

Amm...Just a question...If you have seen this nasty side of him before why didn't you tell him to stop slagging people/or stand up for them? Or is it a case of its ok as long as its not you?