So down at the moment

LegacyUser

This post is pretty much a rambling stream of consciousness, so please bear with me. I’m currently feeling so down that I’ve contemplated suicide a number of times because I really feel like I’ve nothing to live for. But I won’t do it because of the devastation it would cause my family – so I suppose, there you go, that’s something to live for. But while my family’s great, I feel there are other things missing in my life. I really need advice on how to turn my life around.
I’m a 28-year-old female, not far off 29, and I have never been in a relationship. In fact, I’m a virgin. All I’ve ever done is snog a few guys. And, my God, does it freak me out.
How did it come to this? A few factors. I would have been a late bloomer anyway – probably not ready for sex until my early to mid twenties. To be honest, the idea of becoming that intimate with another really scared me and I had a fear, which I still have, of penetration being painful. I don’t understand my frigidity. It’s not like I was sexually abused.
My father was quite prudish when I was a kid (due to his very staunch Catholic upbringing) and my mother wouldn’t be too open-minded about that side of things either – the threat of being grounded if I had a lovebite etc, so maybe this affected me more than it should have (I’m hardly the only Irish girl who had an upbringing like that!). Anyway, I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 18, which had been bubbling under the surface from way before then, and I think this may be a major underlying factor. Thankfully it was easily treated by anti-depressants. The depression pretty much cleared over the years. I haven’t been taking medication for a good while now. “There you go!,” you might think, but I know I’m not down due to lack of medication. It’s due to my circumstances. Anyway, this is a different kind of “down” to what I experienced when I had depression, which made me feel suicidal but without the ability to rationalise.
I’ve always had major body issues too, which, ironically, caused me to eat more and more. Looking back at my teens, I was skinny as a rake, but I thought I was fat. Since I was about 19, I’ve piled on the pounds. I’m not massively overweight but I still think I’m hideous. This is another reason for my fear of intimacy. I feel I’d have to have a perfect body before sleeping with someone. But I also know I have a very skewed outlook on sex. I can’t associate it with love. I know this is a horrible way to think, but I get really pissed off when I hear women talk about how unattractive they feel, yet they still have boyfriends. “How can you feel that unattractive or fat when you have no problem having sex with someone?,” is what I find myself thinking. I’ve no doubt some of you will probably think “lose some weight”. I have done so, but by the time I feel happy with myself physically, I’ll be 29. Maybe then I’ll feel ready for sex. But it’s just too late in life, I feel. How do I go about getting the guy? And then there’ll be the awkwardness of having to admit that I’m a virgin and clueless in bed. I really feel like I’m going to end up an old maid in a house full of cats and it scares me ****less. It’s making me so bitter, especially when there are girls who are years and years younger than me getting laid. And girls who are really nervous and quiet. And girls who are far heavier than me.
I’m a bundle of contradictions. If you met me, you’d think I was very confident and outgoing. I also don’t think I’m bad-looking, and I (thankfully) look younger than my years (no offence to anyone older – of course 28 isn’t old, but it is very late in life to still be a virgin). It’s just my body that sickens me, but I don’t think I fit the profile of your misfit “frigid Brigid”. All of this makes my situation particularly irksome – why the hell DO I have a problem with sex so?!
Other problems I’m going through at the moment are the absolute inability to find a job since completing my masters last summer (apart from the odd freelance stint, voluntary work but there is absolutely no certainty), having to live with my parents which is really getting me down and I’m starting to resent my dad, and the lack of a solid group of friends – instead, I have a handful of close friends but they’re scattered throughout Ireland and Britain, and the rest are just acquaintances, people I’m friendly with but not friends with, etc.

I know there are people going through far, far worse than this, and I apologise to those reading. But I just can’t help how down everything is making me feel.

humanji

You seem to be stuck in a rut of your own design. You're blowing things out or proportion.

Firstly, regarding being a virgin, it's nothing to be worried about. In fact, most guys would be quite happy if you were to choose them to lose your virginity with. But you seem to be seeing losing yourvirginity/getting a boyfriend as a target. A partner is meant to be a friend first, a lover second. You should be trying to be guys as friends, and not as potential husbands! It'll be a lot easier that way.

A fear of intimacy isn't that unusual. As you say, it's part self image, which in fairness, you're the one who will have to overcome this. And when you find the right partner, everything will fit into place before you know it (no pun intended ). Basically, you'll go into automatic and your body takes over (and if it goes badly, it's more incentive to try again. Practice makes perfect )

As for your job hunt, do you know what you want to do? I mean, really want to do? And think about the fact that you don't really have anything to lose by taking a chance to follow some sort of dream. Just think about what would really make you happy and go for it. If you fail, then just try again, you've nothing to lose!

All in all, take a chance, at everything you're afraid or worried about. As they say, it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

fits

You poor thing... I'd guess myself that a lot of this comes from not having a job and living at home. I dont have a job either (completing a thesis), and it does nothing for one's self esteem.
Really you shouldnt get so hung up about the sex/virgin bit. I know thats easy for me to say but really whats important is to make yourself happy and productive. If you do this your self-esteem will rise and you'll find it easier to meet new people, and if you meet the right person, the sex will come naturally. It really is not a big deal. So work on yourself and try doing something to change your life a little at a time to make yourself happier.

Good luck:)

dellas1979

Ok. Well here is a news flash for you.

We all have the same issues as you!!! I guarantee you that. I am not being in the slightest bit mean when I say this, but you are not special and these problems are not isolated to you. Maybe if you realise this at the start, dealing with these problems will become easier.

And that is what you have to do - deal with these problems.

I can tell you how I would deal with these problems, but you might have to find your own way.

Above everything else at the moment, I think you should get a job immediately as it will get you out of the house, keep you busy and give you some self-esteem back. So that is what I would concentrate on.

I know you have a masters, but you may not get the job you want/ideal job right now. Why dont you apply for other things? May not be ideal, but its a start.

As for the intimacy issue. Look, again, we all have issues with self-esteem and body issues. You are not an exception. The same way people look at you (bubbly, confident etc), is the same way you look at people. But you, again, need to realise that its all an illusion.

We all feel bad about something, but we cant go around everyday crying. If we could, we would, but we cant. If humans did do that, can you imagine what it would be like? So we all put up a front.

Your problem is that you seem more sensitive to this. Most people "just do it" (it-I mean get up and get on with things), but you like to have a good old think about things. Nothing wrong with this at all. But you need to understand yourself. Being hyper-sensitive about things, the world can seem like an awful place. You need to understand where you are coming from with all of this. That is why as well as the job, Id say either speak to a close friend/family or seek a councellor.

sim2

You are depressed about yourself, you are resenting your dad and are not happy living with your parents. Because of your past experiences (the threat of grounding for a hickey), it is not healthy really for you to still be living at home. So this is where my idea comes in...
You are still young and you could do something that I regret not doing and that is travelling. However you did say that your friends are scattered around Ireland and Britain...so in order to break free completely why don't you volunteer abroad for a year and then come back and start anew...look for the job, the flat and be a new you...It's never too late to start... You could go to the internet and search under volunteering aboard...you will definitely find something. As well as being the big break, it will also give you such a great feeling of achievement to be able to help other people which in turn will take your mind off your own dilemmas.
Also you never know what hunky partner you might meet abroad. You will be much more relaxed in yourself and as the old saying goes if you don't like yourself then no-one else will. Go for it....it will be the start of the New You!:D

Twinkle-star15

This probably isn't helpful in any way but

*hugs*

---

Sometimes we all need hugs .

speaktofrank

why not do volunteer work abroad? I am not trying to be harsh but if you spent a month or two in Africa you would see how your problems pale into comparison. If you feel bad about your body do something about it. Join a gym, go swimming etc. to make others love you to need to love yourself first.

LegacyUser

'Hi speaktofrank. Oh yeah, I know that my problems are zilcho compared to others. I do keep telling myself that, but I suppose if you find something a problem, well then it's a problem, whether it actually is relatively speaking or not. Thanks a lot so far, guys, for your advice. Dellas1979, your words were not mean at all - if anything, they gave me encouragement. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that it really is a matter of me changing my attitude. Yeah I was hanging around for a job that's relevant to my qualification, but I'm quite happy to do anything for now, but to keep on applying for my dream job.'

hunnymonster

just a random suggestion, it may or may not be of use to you. Exercise can really help when you're down in the dumps. Are there any local team sports you would like to try, You would get the double dose of endorphins and meeting new people?

Steyr

And your dream job is?

Catari Jaguar

Maybe get some self help esteem books, they can really help. What makes you happy? What do you want to accomplish/change? Make a plan of what you want to achieve and how to do it. Stick to it! And you should probably talk to a counsellor too, just to get it all out there.

Do you still live with your parents?? If so, you need to get out of there. You become confident as you develop and experience life, if not you get stifled and can't grow.

About the sex issue, your age isn't a factor. A lot of people are still waiting until marriage. Many men would find it a turn on and flattering. I will tell you, do NOT just have sex for the sake of it. You will regret it and the experience of one night stand sex is nothing like sex in a loving, trusting relationship.

Sex is not scary, wrong, or painful (if you are relaxed and turned on). It's fun and amazing. It makes you feel sexy, in control, attractive and just full of love and good feeling. There is not need to fear it, and your body instinctively knows what to do, it's a natural thing after all.

The weight is nothing to be conscious about, I would say 99% of men don't look at your cellulite or a pot belly when you're naked. They are probably thinking "BOOBS! Awh yeaaa!" and how hot you look or else worrying about their own performance/ physique.

Hope that helped a little! Good luck

LegacyUser

'Thanks again, everyone. Lil Kitten, your points are so flippin' logical. Now I need to actually take them on board for myself. Oh good God, I'm only back living with the parents a few months since I got my masters! I was living out of home for five years before that. No I'm only living at home because of being unemployed. Twinkle-star15, I meant to say earlier, thanks so much for the e-hugs! Really sweet of you and it IS helpful, despite what you said. Steyr, my dream job would be in the media - broadcasting and/or writing - but it is so, so difficult to break into.'

Lorax

I dont think you realise how lucky you are. There are poor starving kids in Bolivia who dont even know if theyll wake up the next day or die of starvation/dehydration during their sleep. And your worried because your not gettin any in the bedroom? Get a grip.

Lorax

http://www.projectconcern.org/site/c.fhKOI1PGIoE/b.980767/k.3155/Combating_malnutrition_and_poverty_in_Bolivia.htm

LegacyUser

'i'm sure that really helped lorax. I think you can scrub a councellor off your 'what do i want to be when i grow up' list.
everyone gets depressed, so i've found out,you think of strange things when you have plenty of time to think. My friends are scattered around ireland, and i had a huge arguement with my best friend so that is that. but thats life. i used to have the same issues as you and i am a virgin at 29, i am not ashamed of that. at one time i panicked as i thought i was getting too old,i was ugly,i was boring etc.etc. But they were my own thoughts and bad thoughts i had about myself that simply were'nt or are'nt true. These were the thoughts that were preventing me from having a relationship. i was unemployed for 9 months and could not leave the house,couldnt take a taxi/bus, go into a supermarket nothing. One day i just said to myself i could not live like this anymore, so i moved into a new house,kept applying and applying for jobs and i finally got a good decent job. There are people worse than you and people worse than me, if you feel talking to someone may help, then go do it. I did'nt, but my brother did and it worked for him. If you think you are too fat then, i work with a girl who is absolutely massive, i mean a big girl, and she is going out with a man who could be male model,she has a geat personality so it just goes to show its not whats on the outside that counts is it?'

LegacyUser

'Thanks a lot, Unreg_Dude. Lorax, fair enough, I do realise I need to get a grip. On the other hand, if what I'm experiencing is getting me down, it's getting me down. I've apologised a number of times for the fact that I know there are others far, far worse off then me. But the stuff in my life is still making me unhappy. Sorry, but I don't understand why you're posting on Personal Issues if it's just to tell someone to get a grip.'

dvega

You are blowing things well out of proportion,your 28 still young,you have a masters degree and you still live at home??

Get out there girl,live life,i knew someone who was like that,good friend of mine,eventually it was another friend of mine who convinced him to move out and move in with him.

Now he's over in vietnam having the time of his life!
Dont sit at home depressed,as i said your still young,get up and go as hard as it may be,you'll then see what your missing.

Lorax

UNREG_DUDE wrote:

'i'm sure that really helped lorax. I think you can scrub a councellor off your 'what do i want to be when i grow up

Wtf is this supposed to mean? Just because the way I offer advice is different to yours, doesnt make you right. If anything my advice is more valid than yours because Im only 21 and have already had 3 serious girlfriends and Im not a virgin. I was trying to get her to put her situation into perspective to the less fortunate so she would feel better. Its typical Irish greedy attitude, never happy always wanting more. I bet if the OP had a bf and wasnt a virgin she would be moaning about something else. All you have to do is take a look at the world around u and realise how much u have. Be happy, lifes too short for this ****.

LegacyUser

'

Wtf is this supposed to mean? Just because the way I offer advice is different to yours, doesnt make you right..

Advice?......that was advice!?!?. By ur reasoning absolutely everyones problems here can be tackled simply by saying "There are poor starving kids in Bolivia, think of them, ur problems are insignificant".BS tbh.

If anything my advice is more valid than yours because Im only 21 and have already had 3 serious girlfriends and Im not a virgin. I was trying to get her to put her situation into perspective to the less fortunate so she would feel better

Haha.....utter rubbish. Take away those three serious relationships add 7 years and it'd probably be u in here posting in the OP's stead, now THATS perspective. You cant make someone feel better by telling the given person that their problems dont mean anything in the grand scale of things.


to the OP:Your problems arent insignificant, but neither are they crippling as long as u dont let them be. I can say honestly i think alot of men would appreciate the fact that u are a virgin...........the ones that matter anyway. Go out and get the job u want...........dont wait around for it, do everything u can to get into ur media job and do it now. And just be yourself, as u sound like a really nice person, it'll work out for the best.
Good luck.
-V'

LegacyUser

'Nothing wrong with living at home as long as you have your freedom, sounds like you have too many issues with your folks though, you need to move out.

If you have body issues going to the gym may not help too much, nothing like a room full of people you "percieve" to be better looking than you to batter the ego.
A team sport or something non-competitive is a much better idea IMO.

You shouldnt get too hung up on the virginity thing.
By getting too obssessed about this youre creating a vicious circle thats hard to break out of.
You need to be more confident but youre letting your issues control your confidence.
If you go out actively looking for a man youll give off really strong desperation vibes, they sense this on an unconcious level.
Nobody wants to go out with an emotional leech.

So just dress up, go out and have fun.
Once you start enjoying yourself youll look and feel different and get approached.
The virgin thing will not deter any interested party, if anything its a good thing, he wont have any expectations to meet as youve nothing to compare him to, everyone wins!!

Just dont sell yourself short by becoming a notch on the bedpost on the first eejit thats interested, and dont fold too easy.'

mrsdewinter

Em, to get back on-topic... un-reg girl, just relax. why don't you move to a different city? I was in a bit of a rut when I was in my late twenties and I left my job, went on a wing and a prayer to a different corner of the country and started again. very liberating to shake off the past. had a spring in my step, attracted new people, new experiences, looked years younger. If you leave it much longer you'll find you have a car loan, or are tied into a mortgage, or your parents expect you to be there the whole time. You'll feel better for simply taking some form of action. Good luck

OliviaM

considering suicide for a couple of times is already a threat. Why not seek for professional help? That's what you really need.

LegacyUser

'Hi

I tried to post this yesterday but i guess it got censored.
I think "Involuntary Celibacy" is what you suffer.
Me too.
There's wiki article on it, and a support group:
http://www.incelsupport.org/
Also, have a read of this:
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439406'

LegacyUser

'Thanks again everyone. You've all been very reassuring. I should have actually made it clearer on the original post about my home life. I'm only back home a few months while looking for work. I was living in another city until then too. My folks are actually grand, it's just that living with them every day can take its toll. I think most people would empathise with that.
Lorax, you don't know me. I don't have a "typical Irish greedy attitude" of being "never happy always wanting more". I understand what you're saying and, as I've said, I'm constantly telling myself that there are others far worse off than me. This makes me appreciate the good things I have, but doesn't fully erase how utterly down I feel at the moment. If it did I wouldn't be posting. Unreg_Dude was just making the point that the way you worded your first post was a bit harsh, but the message is definitely noted.
OliviaM, there were a few times in the past couple of weeks when I thought I've no job, I feel really lonely, I've no relationship prospects, what's it all for? But I'm definitely not going to do it. Definitely not. I know families who have lost members to suicide. The horror is indescribable. I'm of the view that for someone to go that far, they must be terribly, terribly ill and see absolutely no way out. And I'm not ill, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I may have had clinical depression before, but not any more. Sure, I'm feeling really down now, but it's not depression in the medical sense - I know the difference.'

LegacyUser

'

Unregadsf wrote:

'Hi

I tried to post this yesterday but i guess it got censored.
I think "Involuntary Celibacy" is what you suffer.
Me too.
There's wiki article on it, and a support group:
http://www.incelsupport.org/
Also, have a read of this:
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439406'

Thanks Unregadsf. I don't know if I fit into that category, though. My problem is that I kind of have a fear of sex but don't want to have it.'

spinandscribble

Lorax your advice on children in poor countries is exactly why i wouldnt ever feel sorry for myself growing up. all well and good until my life was crumbling at one stage and eventually all the ppl in my life found out why.

it meant because of advice like that i was conditioned to keep my mouth shut even when my health/safety was at risk. i still cant get over this sometimes and refuse to accept anyones help because i always felt bad for feeling bad and needing help compared to children starving ect. i've been called mad on occassion for thinking like this.

my mate told me "but we dont live in the third world, we live in this world and thats where we're meant to live unless we want to go off and help them there."

this womans depressed and noone has the right to say she doesnt have the right to feel what she feels. she wants to get better and advice like you'res just makes ppl hide away afraid to appear like moaners when there are ppl like here on the boards willing to help.

its time for a change of life op. moving countries maybe a bit too much but cities might be a good idea. let the job hunt take you to new places. you'll meet new ppl. all good.

as far as a fear of sex goes, you said you've only had a few kisses. did you never have a long term bf then? you'll liikely want sex once you have a bf who you care about and you cares about you.

at this stage i'd say rely on friends of friends to set you up with a nice guy or if you're open to it speed dating and the like. at the very least it would be funny and maybe build your confidence.

dellas1979

Look,

Have you done anything to try and sort your problems since the first post? Anything at all???
We can all sit here and comment on you and what you tell us about your life, but its only you who can do something.

Did you apply for other jobs yet?

I spent 5 years in university. Worked for 2. Then became unemployed for 1 year. Could not for the life of me get a job. My partner of 5 years broke up with me. I had to go back living at home.

A friend of mine at the time saw me wallowing in pity, tears and snot.

She roared at me one evening. Told me she had had enough of me. The only way she would listen to me anymore was if I got off my ass and do something about my problems. And you know what? It worked. And ill forever thank her for that.

When I look back now, I dont know how I coped, but I did. And you will cope too. So get off your ass and get a job. Take one thing at a time and work through it. That is how it all works. Try and think about everything at once and you will only overwhelm yourself.

LegacyUser

'Thanks Della and spinandscribble. Yep, I'm pursuing jobs now. Doing the phoning, finding out the best email addresses for my CV. Della, besides having your partner of five years break up with you (and I'm sorry to hear that - it's awful), you've done similar stuff to me - eg, the amount of time spent in university, working, being out of work (although I've only been out of work since September and I have gotten the odd freelance number) and, presuming that the 1979 in your user-name is your date of birth, then you're around the same age. It's encouraging for someone who has been in some similar situations to me to post it up. I see the light now, though. It's a matter of turning things around myself. And I'm gonna do it.'

dellas1979

Yep. My DOB is 1979.

I know you'll do it, 'cause as Ive told you, ive been through some disasterous situations and gotton through them.

If you ever want to talk, register and PM me.

LegacyUser

'

dellas1979 wrote:

Yep. My DOB is 1979.

I know you'll do it, 'cause as Ive told you, ive been through some disasterous situations and gotton through them.

If you ever want to talk, register and PM me.

Thanks so much, Della. I've been feeling a lot better since I posted on Boards. It's great to know that there are so many people out there only too happy to give advice.'

LegacyUser

'considering that media and broadcasting is pretty hard to get into,
why not see if you can get a two week internship, or even work for nothing.

nothing shows eagerness and devotion to your field than being prepared to work for nothing even for two weeks! they'll be sure to remember you then, and you can mark it up as experience and make some contacts.
and if a job ever becomes available they'll already know you and your working ability. you'd be a shoe in.

thats what im going to do if i dont get a job straight from college.
i want to work for the best and only the best, if that means working for nothing for a few weeks then i'll be happy to do it.

you wont get your dream job without fighting for it.
best of luck
'

fits

I'm pretty much same age and in similar situation too. (Only this is my 9th year in uni (eek!) I took steps to stand up on my own two feet again recently after realising I had achieved absolutely nothing of significance in 2006. So you're not on your own. A lot of people get into a rut at some stage in their life.
Truly believe your sex issue will come right if you get yourself sorted and build up some self esteem.
By the way, I recently got the Paul Mckenna 'Change your life in 7 days' book and cd. Very sceptical of these things normally, but was getting desperate and willing to try anything. Perhaps the timing was just right for me, but it gave me an almighty kick up the bum..

Marksie

I think that a lot of these issues are symptoms rather than causes. It, i believe stems back to self esteem: In how you see yourself and thus how you believe others see you, how you relate to the world and how ul;timately others relate to you. So i would step aside from the individual issues for the moment and look at the whole thing.

The greatest change is effected from within and it is within yourself you should start. From that initial point you can move on.

Someone suggested professional help and that is a good idea, but people baulk at the term counsellor, but there is always coaching where someone helps you achieve your goals.

OP it won't happen overnight and probably will happen in small incremental steps. But be determined to do do something about the issues in their own time as and when you get stronger in and of yourself. Check out every resource possible and pursue it.

Some of the advice here is very good and you can do worse than look at it and begin to make plans in your favour.

I wish you all the best in the world

But if you will excuse me........
Lorax: 21 and 3 girlfriends.. wow, i am significantly underwhelmed by your life experience, and your ability to relate. May i suggest that you follow the advice you gave in your own post and take the next plane to Bolivia? Help those kids you care so much about.

LegacyUser

'Thank you so much, Mark, and you too, Fits. I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I felt like a total freak and was calling myself "sexually retarded", stunted, incapable of a relationship etc. But I know now that if I keep telling myself these things, yep, I will become them - because I believe them. Doesn't mean they're true. I definitely have some of the skills to get on with my life in a far more positive manner. You guys are absolutely great. And thank you too, Unregd_guy. I have been doing the unpaid thing all right but it's still quite hard to get there. I may have been aiming a bit too high, though. It's hard to break Dublin. Time to consider regional, methinks.'

LegacyUser

'Unreg_girl, when I left college and start living at home again, I felt that I was back to square one! It's natural to assess your life and what you've made of it when you're in a bit of a lull. You assessed yourself very harshly (would you be so harsh with a friend?) and suffered as a result. Don't be so quick to do so again in the future, you're worth more than that.
Good luck with the job-hunting, work experience does sound like the way to go if you want to get your foot in the door. Take care : )'

LegacyUser

'Aw, thanks a mil, hon. There's a great bunch of you out there! Well, the job hunting is going well. I've an interview on Monday, so fingers crossed. Not being negative, but if I don't get it (and I may not) I won't crumble. There'll be a job for me all right.'

Catari Jaguar

Lorax wrote:

f anything my advice is more valid than yours because Im only 21 and have already had 3 serious girlfriends and Im not a virgin.
.

Yea... 3 "serious" teenage relationships :rolleyes: AND you're not a virgin either?? Wow! You sound quite the wordly man. Expert advice. So there are problems in the world, that doesn't make OP's problem any less relevant. As they say, "if it's a problem to you, then it's a problem".

OP, I don't know why you are apologising to him for not being a starving Bolivian baby. wtf?? Don't justify yourself.

Lorax, I suggest that instead of offering "advice" you go send letters off to the governments and change the world. God knows they need you!

PS. Glad I could help, OP and I think you sound like a lovely, genuine person. I really hope it all works out for you.

BackwardRussia

Take a trip to scotland, we love irish lassies over here

Xavi6

Unreg_girl wrote:

my dream job would be in the media - broadcasting and/or writing - but it is so, so difficult to break into.'

Who told you that?! i'm 21, just got my Journalism degree and I've done serious work for a number of publications over the past three years. One of my mates is also getting very well up in RTE. It's all about persistence in the industry. If you have the drive you'll get something no hassle. Make a few calls, do up a few sample articles yourself etc. There's new papers and magazines starting up all the time. I know my main paper will take people who are qualified or not once they have ambition and some ability.

Basically if you want it bad enough you can get it.

LegacyUser

'Cheers Lil Kitten. You're great! And thank you, Backward Russia. Suggestion very much noted! Yep, a plan's coming together now. Going to work for a while, then move away again. And it's pretty exciting. I realise now that I was feeling disappointed about life not working out the way I had hoped and this was getting me down more than it should have. Now, though, with the help of you guys, I've come to realise that there are alternatives. And I've been working on a contingency plan.
Xavi6, I've just found that to be the case myself. I was even on the verge of giving up, but I'm determined again now. Thanks a mil for the advice.'

Borat_Sagdiyev

Ok I think you're sorted on the job/doing new things front.

Regarding yourself, you need to start looking in the mirror every morning and telling yourself you're a stunner - and believing it. It always amazes me how pretty much any woman regardless of how she looks, can look at herself naked in the mirror and pick out a flaw, whereas most men can do the same regardless of what they look like and think they're sex gods! (speaking in general terms here, I'm not silly, I know there are exceptions)

I know it may seem a tough job, but FORGET about your worries when it comes to your body. When you're with someone who likes you, they like you regardless, thats the reason they got with you in the first place.

I think it was mentioned somewhere above, make sure you're not looking for a boyfriend/husband. You might come across as desperate and frighten people off - what you need to tell yourself is that you don't need another person to define you. If you're chatting with a fella and he asks if you're single, reply with "yeah, I need to be sure about someone before I start going out with them." That to me says "This person is confident in herself, and will not settle for a dumbass just to be able to say that she has a boyfriend" - and thats very attractive.

Find someone you think is funny, in my opinion, the most important thing a partner must be able to do is make you laugh.

LegacyUser

Wow! Thanks Borat_Sagdiyev! My God, what a great world this would be if all guys were like you! (presuming you're a guy...) That's some brilliant advice about meeting guys, but I have a massive barrier when it comes to the physical aspect. I don't think any amount of self-reassurance and retraining my thinking will give me a new perspective on my body, which I think is REPULSIVE. Forgive the melodrama but that barely articulates how I feel. I'm not a hugely overweight woman (just over 11 stone) but I think that, naked, I look as bad as a woman who's 25 stone. It's strange because I also see good things about my physicality. I'm actually lucky to have good-shaped legs and ass, and fitted pants and short skirts (with thick black tights!!!) look well on me. I know - plenty of women would give anything for that. That's fine - clothes hide a multitude. IF you saw my legs naked. You would actually puke. They are DISGUSTING!!! My thighs are wobbly and flabby beyond belief, riddled with cellulite, really really pale and they go kind of purpley-red in the cold weather. They're also really bumpy and covered in all these infuriating dot things - hair follicles I suppose. And there are loads of blemishes and marks and bruise-type things. And my skin is so dry and flaky.
Warning: the following is graphic! The tops of my thighs meet and this causes cysts to form (I'm sorry - it is gross but I'm on a roll). The skin between my thighs has become kind of discoloured and, I don't know, "loose" is the only word I can use to describe it. My calves have escaped the wobbliness but they're similar to men's calves - like sandpaper the skin is so dry and flaky. And they’re really hard and bumpy and covered in blemishes like my thighs. And my stomach. Oh God my stomach. Two rolls of disgusting flab which can be covered up to point with various tops and hold-in knickers but there’s no way I could let it hang out.
Apart from all that though, my body's great! :-D
Seriously, though, I don't think any guy should have to see that. And I really believe that, no matter how attractive a guy finds me initially - even a really nice one - he won't be long going off me if he saw me naked. I know loads of girls probably think I don't sound any different to them, but I genuinely think you couldn't get more disgusting than me naked, and that only a massively overweight woman could look worse (and only slightly). Whether I'm right or not, I feel the only thing I can do is go on a healthy eating and exercise kick and spend a lot of time exfoliating (which also helps circulation and to get rid of cellulite apparently) and moisturising the dry skin. I doubt I'll ever have silky-smooth, super-toned thighs with a nice golden glow, but I'm going to try and get them to the best condition possible. I've started this lifestyle change. I've tried it before and always gave up, but this time I'm particularly determined. I don't want to sound like a total moaner about my physicality. I think I have quite a nice face with good skin (thank God the skin on my face isn't as dry as the skin on my legs) and my ass isn't too bad - It's wobbly, pale and cellulite-ridden but no more than your average butt. I've been blessed with a good pair of boobs and, for some reason, the skin from my hips up is in great condition.
So it's really just a naked legs and stomach thing...

limklad

Unreg_girl wrote:

I’ve always had major body issues too, which, ironically, caused me to eat more and more. Looking back at my teens, I was skinny as a rake, but I thought I was fat. Since I was about 19, I’ve piled on the pounds. I’m not massively overweight but I still think I’m hideous. This is another reason for my fear of intimacy. I feel I’d have to have a perfect body before sleeping with someone. But I also know I have a very skewed outlook on sex. I can’t associate it with love. I know this is a horrible way to think, but I get really pissed off when I hear women talk about how unattractive they feel, yet they still have boyfriends. “How can you feel that unattractive or fat when you have no problem having sex with someone?,” is what I find myself thinking. I’ve no doubt some of you will probably think “lose some weight”. I have done so, but by the time I feel happy with myself physically, I’ll be 29. Maybe then I’ll feel ready for sex. But it’s just too late in life, I feel. How do I go about getting the guy? And then there’ll be the awkwardness of having to admit that I’m a virgin and clueless in bed. I really feel like I’m going to end up an old maid in a house full of cats and it scares me ****less. It’s making me so bitter, especially when there are girls who are years and years younger than me getting laid. And girls who are really nervous and quiet. And girls who are far heavier than me.

I don't understand why women/men seem to think that their body is the only thing that matters when it comes to sex. People who think this way are shallow, insecure (most of the time hiding it and probably have a poor vision of true love).
Roar this out with me “BIG FAT UGLY PEOPLE HAVE GREAT SEX TOO”. It does not matter how fat you are as long as you keep yourself clean and groom. Some people that I know are fat people who have better sex life than those I know who are thin. And you know what. They are PROUD of been FAT. Been a virgin does not matter, but what matters is the other person you will have sex with. Just because girls younger than you are having sex does not mean they are having great sex or have the same .
The best sex is having sex with the person you love and they love you. When you have it you will understand. When the time is right for you to lose your virginity est to do it with the right guy, you probably make mistakes but that “ok” because the guy who wants to make love to you should understand. He probably is nervous of making a mistake too. Do not let your virginity let you down. What is important is finding your right partner. DO NOT GO FOR THE BULL****TERS WHO BOAST OF THEIR LOVE LIFE. If you do make that mistake, you will have learn something and move forward. The True fact is that selfish people will only want to have sex with your body and screw with your mind. They don’t care about the disaster they leave behind.
You Father narrow view of life should not let you get you down. I know because my parents (My mother mostly and Who are not religious) were very degrading and abusive to me throughout my life, so much so that when I was 13, I tried to kill myself too as I could not bear life at that dark period of my life. I was on my way to drown myself in the nearby river, until I cross paths that lead to my grandfather house. At the end of that path is a window to the kitchen and he would sit there by the range. He loved me and cared for me unconditionaly, when my parents were so cruel and ignorant of their parental abuse. I then could see that my action would lead him to cry and be sad. I fell to the ground crying and eventually walk home till in tears. My parents did not care for me and enter the house and went straight to my bed. I could not talk to anyone at that time. I could not let my grandfather down, nor could I tell him, for reasons , I leave for anoter time. I was very depressed throughout my teenage years. It wasn’t until a few years ago, I eventually came through it. I don’t speak to my parents anymore (because of their denial and want to extert control over me) but that does not matter because I am making a life for myself now. I am happy now and You will too. You too can learn from the past and from the mistake of others, and you can do things better, because you know their mistakes. People will help you if you let them.
As for Friends, You have made friends before and you will definitelymake friends again. I know that for sure.
So I do understand a lot of what you are going through but not everything as everyone experience is different. You are not alone. You have reach out to us. That is a good step and now I do know is that Life for you, will get better if you allow it to.
Love yourself unconditionally, you deserve it.
Any doubts or troubles let us know. Here a smile for U

limklad

Borat_Sagdiyev wrote:

Ok I think you're sorted on the job/doing new things front.

Regarding yourself, you need to start looking in the mirror every morning and telling yourself you're a stunner - and believing it. It always amazes me how pretty much any woman regardless of how she looks, can look at herself naked in the mirror and pick out a flaw, whereas most men can do the same regardless of what they look like and think they're sex gods! (speaking in general terms here, I'm not silly, I know there are exceptions)

I know it may seem a tough job, but FORGET about your worries when it comes to your body. When you're with someone who likes you, they like you regardless, thats the reason they got with you in the first place.

I think it was mentioned somewhere above, make sure you're not looking for a boyfriend/husband. You might come across as desperate and frighten people off - what you need to tell yourself is that you don't need another person to define you. If you're chatting with a fella and he asks if you're single, reply with "yeah, I need to be sure about someone before I start going out with them." That to me says "This person is confident in herself, and will not settle for a dumbass just to be able to say that she has a boyfriend" - and thats very attractive.

Find someone you think is funny, in my opinion, the most important thing a partner must be able to do is make you laugh.

Brillant

Borat_Sagdiyev

Unreg_girl wrote:

Wow! Thanks Borat_Sagdiyev! My God, what a great world this would be if all guys were like you! (presuming you're a guy...)

Yup, I'm a guy, and don't be fooled by my username! I'm not a backward sexist pig!

Unreg_girl wrote:

That's some brilliant advice about meeting guys, but I have a massive barrier when it comes to the physical aspect. I don't think any amount of self-reassurance and retraining my thinking will give me a new perspective on my body, which I think is REPULSIVE. Forgive the melodrama but that barely articulates how I feel. I'm not a hugely overweight woman (just over 11 stone) but I think that, naked, I look as bad as a woman who's 25 stone.

Jesus H Christ, 11 stone sounds like a lovely weight to me (not in a pervy way).

Unreg_girl wrote:

It's strange because I also see good things about my physicality. I'm actually lucky to have good-shaped legs and ass, and fitted pants and short skirts (with thick black tights!!!) look well on me. I know - plenty of women would give anything for that.

Damn right plenty of women would give anything for that - and so would any man.

Unreg_girl wrote:

That's fine - clothes hide a multitude. IF you saw my legs naked. You would actually puke. They are DISGUSTING!!! My thighs are wobbly and flabby beyond belief, riddled with cellulite, really really pale and they go kind of purpley-red in the cold weather. They're also really bumpy and covered in all these infuriating dot things - hair follicles I suppose. And there are loads of blemishes and marks and bruise-type things. And my skin is so dry and flaky.

I used to go out with a girl that had particularly sensitive legs, she used to cut herself the whole time shaving them, so she wouldn't shave all the time, resulting in slight stubble on her legs and around her "happy place". Do you honestly think that I was bothered about any of that? I couldn't give a toss. OK I know the relationship ended but it was nothing to do with those things.

Unreg_girl wrote:

Warning: the following is graphic! The tops of my thighs meet and this causes cysts to form (I'm sorry - it is gross but I'm on a roll). The skin between my thighs has become kind of discoloured and, I don't know, "loose" is the only word I can use to describe it. My calves have escaped the wobbliness but they're similar to men's calves - like sandpaper the skin is so dry and flaky. And they’re really hard and bumpy and covered in blemishes like my thighs. And my stomach. Oh God my stomach. Two rolls of disgusting flab which can be covered up to point with various tops and hold-in knickers but there’s no way I could let it hang out.

Sound like something which could easily be cleared up with some alternative treatment. Homeopathy could help you out here, I've heard a lot of success stories about it clearing skin blemishes.

As for your stomach, sure jaysus don't we all have bellies we'd love to get rid of! Its january for fecks sake! The month of "I'll take the stairs up to the office every day instead of the lift" and "I'll do 50 sit ups every night" - we all have great intentions but rarely see them through. I'm not trying to be harsh with you here, but if you're not happy with your stomach, do something about it - go walking, take up a sport. I find that swimming is a great passtime, you exercise your whole body without really knowing it and having a laugh at the same time.

Unreg_girl wrote:

Apart from all that though, my body's great! :-D
Seriously, though, I don't think any guy should have to see that. And I really believe that, no matter how attractive a guy finds me initially - even a really nice one - he won't be long going off me if he saw me naked. I know loads of girls probably think I don't sound any different to them, but I genuinely think you couldn't get more disgusting than me naked, and that only a massively overweight woman could look worse (and only slightly).

AHA! But these are YOUR thoughts - only your own perspective on things, with absolutely no evidence! Didn't you say you were a virgin? Well then you have no idea WHATSOEVER what a guy would do after seeing you naked.

Unreg_girl wrote:

Whether I'm right or not, I feel the only thing I can do is go on a healthy eating and exercise kick and spend a lot of time exfoliating (which also helps circulation and to get rid of cellulite apparently) and moisturising the dry skin. I doubt I'll ever have silky-smooth, super-toned thighs with a nice golden glow, but I'm going to try and get them to the best condition possible.

Ah come on! Who has those? Those airbrushed celebrities? You may be referring to being out whatever night and seeing other girls with apparrantly fabulous legs, but as you said yourself,

Unreg_girl wrote:

....clothes hide a multitude.....

Ok fair enough, there are a certain percentage of women who actually do have fabulous legs, but they are in the minority, and the percentage of ones that have and also KNOW they have is even more minute.

What you need to do here is stop buying rags like HELLO! and WOMANS WAY and the likes (if there's anything I hate more than Cosmopolitan, I have yet to encounter it). They're absolute sh!te. Stop reading about Posh's new hairstyle and Jlo's brand new boobs. Realise that as much as it may be a cliché, personality is extremely important. Fine, I admit, I would definately spend a night with Jessica Simpson, but would I go out with her or marry her? Not a chance. Type in "Newlyweds" into youtube and you'll see what I mean. She is further away from joining mensa than something I accidentally stepped on this morning on the way to work. As for paris hilton, don't get me started on that cnut.

Unreg_girl wrote:

I've started this lifestyle change. I've tried it before and always gave up, but this time I'm particularly determined. I don't want to sound like a total moaner about my physicality. I think I have quite a nice face with good skin (thank God the skin on my face isn't as dry as the skin on my legs) and my ass isn't too bad - It's wobbly, pale and cellulite-ridden but no more than your average butt. I've been blessed with a good pair of boobs and, for some reason, the skin from my hips up is in great condition.
So it's really just a naked legs and stomach thing...

OK, no offence, but its about time you started focusing on the positives!

1. Nice face + good skin
2. Average butt (probably better than you think judging by your own perspective on your body)
3. Great pair of boobs????? I LIKE!!

If your only two hassles are your stomach and your legs, seriously you've nothing to worry about. When you're in bed with someone, it doesn't matter what the legs look like, and it doesn't matter about the stomach either - you've got the main parts down to a T.

Here's a joke which may emphasis my point:

There were a crowd of lads in a quiet bar one night talking about women. There was an oul lad in the corner listening to them. All night, all they could talk about was legs. "Her legs are fabulous", "her legs are this", "her legs are that" blah blah.

Eventually the old man got sick of all this chat and said "ah for feck's sake whats wrong with ye? All ye can talk about is legs legs legs, and when ye get into bed, ye push them out of ye're way!"

Look, I hope I haven't offended you in any of this post, but it sounds to me like you've got SOME physical problems which could be cleared up, but you've LOADS of self-confidence issues. Start concentrating on the fact that you've got a great pair of boobs, and you've a lovely face. If you're looking at yourself in the mirror, and you see something you don't like, IGNORE IT.

I used to have major acne problems. My back was covered in it. I used to be worried that I would never be able to be comfortable with any woman, because I thought that if I ever got to the point where I was with a woman, she would take one look at my back and head for the hills. The first few times I was with someone, I actually didn't take off my shirt for fear of them seeing it. I soon found out that if someone wants to be with you, they're going to be with you regardless.

Borat_Sagdiyev

limklad wrote:

Brillant

Thanks

Borat_Sagdiyev

limklad wrote:

Love yourself unconditionally, you deserve it.
Any doubts or troubles let us know. Here a smile for U

Best advice I've seen here so far.

limklad

Unreg_girl wrote:

Wow! Thanks Borat_Sagdiyev! My God, what a great world this would be if all guys were like you! (presuming you're a guy...) That's some brilliant advice about meeting guys, but I have a massive barrier when it comes to the physical aspect. I don't think any amount of self-reassurance and retraining my thinking will give me a new perspective on my body, which I think is REPULSIVE. Forgive the melodrama but that barely articulates how I feel. I'm not a hugely overweight woman (just over 11 stone) but I think that, naked, I look as bad as a woman who's 25 stone. It's strange because I also see good things about my physicality. I'm actually lucky to have good-shaped legs and ass, and fitted pants and short skirts (with thick black tights!!!) look well on me. I know - plenty of women would give anything for that. That's fine - clothes hide a multitude. IF you saw my legs naked. You would actually puke. They are DISGUSTING!!! ...

You do not know how the guy feel until you test him. If he wants you for sex and shallow then he will puke.. If he loves you for “who you are” then your body is not a problem. I felt for many different types of women types. The common traits amongst them, is how they represent themselves and treat others. Their self confidences shine through in everything they do. They do have insecurity problems too, everybody has them.
The biggest turn off for me is basic hygiene (not extreme which is just as bad as none) and not looking after themselves as it sent out signals that they do not care for themselves or others.

Unreg_girl wrote:

my body's great! :-D

See the positive here. Your words.

Unreg_girl wrote:

I've started this lifestyle change. I've tried it before and always gave up, but this time I'm particularly determined. ...

Find out why you stop. It easier to get back on the bike after falling off once you can see the advantage as you can get farther faster than waking.

Unreg_girl wrote:

I think I have quite a nice face with good skin (thank God the skin on my face isn't as dry as the skin on my legs) and my ass isn't too bad - It's wobbly, pale and cellulite-ridden but no more than your average butt. ...

Can i kiss those wobbly,pale and cellulite-ridden butt and stomach. There is always an solution to every problem.

Unreg_girl wrote:

I've been blessed with a good pair of boobs and, for some reason, the skin from my hips up is in great condition.

Another positive here, good on you, but do not give all your focus on you body. Yes look after it but it is not as important as how you feel about yourself, not your body but U. If you can go for walks, join some aerobitics club in your area, is one solution to your body. You have already come up with other posible solutions, keep it going, you can do it.

The best women I know in my life is two of my aunts and grandmothers. Both of my aunts beat you in all of her body traits. Both are heavier than me and I’m 14 stone. One has 4 kids and got married the other didn’t. What make them special is how the look after themselves and have great personality. Very friendly and have great time for people with a smile that shines through their eyes (even when they are busy). They are the women I respect and love and are complete opposite to my mother. For they earn my trust and love. They are the type of woman, I looking for to settle down with for they are easy to love and be around... you get the picture!
again you know yourself and now start Looking after yourself.
Take care.

limklad

Borat_Sagdiyev wrote:

Here's a joke which may emphasis my point:

There were a crowd of lads in a quiet bar one night talking about women. There was an oul lad in the corner listening to them. All night, all they could talk about was legs. "Her legs are fabulous", "her legs are this", "her legs are that" blah blah.

Eventually the old man got sick of all this chat and said "ah for feck's sake whats wrong with ye? All ye can talk about is legs legs legs, and when ye get into bed, ye push them out of ye're way!"
.

Experience Wise old man - He cuts out the bull**** and know and do what he wants.

stepbar

Unreg_girl wrote:

Wow! Thanks Borat_Sagdiyev! My God, what a great world this would be if all guys were like you! (presuming you're a guy...) That's some brilliant advice about meeting guys, but I have a massive barrier when it comes to the physical aspect. I don't think any amount of self-reassurance and retraining my thinking will give me a new perspective on my body, which I think is REPULSIVE. Forgive the melodrama but that barely articulates how I feel. I'm not a hugely overweight woman (just over 11 stone) but I think that, naked, I look as bad as a woman who's 25 stone. It's strange because I also see good things about my physicality. I'm actually lucky to have good-shaped legs and ass, and fitted pants and short skirts (with thick black tights!!!) look well on me. I know - plenty of women would give anything for that. That's fine - clothes hide a multitude. IF you saw my legs naked. You would actually puke. They are DISGUSTING!!! My thighs are wobbly and flabby beyond belief, riddled with cellulite, really really pale and they go kind of purpley-red in the cold weather. They're also really bumpy and covered in all these infuriating dot things - hair follicles I suppose. And there are loads of blemishes and marks and bruise-type things. And my skin is so dry and flaky.
Warning: the following is graphic! The tops of my thighs meet and this causes cysts to form (I'm sorry - it is gross but I'm on a roll). The skin between my thighs has become kind of discoloured and, I don't know, "loose" is the only word I can use to describe it. My calves have escaped the wobbliness but they're similar to men's calves - like sandpaper the skin is so dry and flaky. And they’re really hard and bumpy and covered in blemishes like my thighs. And my stomach. Oh God my stomach. Two rolls of disgusting flab which can be covered up to point with various tops and hold-in knickers but there’s no way I could let it hang out.
Apart from all that though, my body's great! :-D
Seriously, though, I don't think any guy should have to see that. And I really believe that, no matter how attractive a guy finds me initially - even a really nice one - he won't be long going off me if he saw me naked. I know loads of girls probably think I don't sound any different to them, but I genuinely think you couldn't get more disgusting than me naked, and that only a massively overweight woman could look worse (and only slightly). Whether I'm right or not, I feel the only thing I can do is go on a healthy eating and exercise kick and spend a lot of time exfoliating (which also helps circulation and to get rid of cellulite apparently) and moisturising the dry skin. I doubt I'll ever have silky-smooth, super-toned thighs with a nice golden glow, but I'm going to try and get them to the best condition possible. I've started this lifestyle change. I've tried it before and always gave up, but this time I'm particularly determined. I don't want to sound like a total moaner about my physicality. I think I have quite a nice face with good skin (thank God the skin on my face isn't as dry as the skin on my legs) and my ass isn't too bad - It's wobbly, pale and cellulite-ridden but no more than your average butt. I've been blessed with a good pair of boobs and, for some reason, the skin from my hips up is in great condition.
So it's really just a naked legs and stomach thing...

And Ive a beer belly Im sure youre not discusting but I can see how that can affect your confidence. I lost my all my hair a good many years ago and at the time I kinda sucked it all in and didnt talk about it, tried to hide it, wore caps etc. Then slowly I thought to myself, "well **** this" if someone goes judging me by the amount of hairs on my head well I dont want to know them, lost the caps and just got on with it. I can safely say my skin has got a lot thicker since then.

In all seriousness I have a book at home called Golden Apples by Bill Cullen. People might call the man a bit cheesy etc but I would highly recommend it. He talks about a lot of things through little stories but the basic point he tries to get across is that there is six steps to success. Success to him is whatever you want it to be; may it be running a marathon (which I would advise you do, Im doin one in April and I cant wait to get out there, just go for it and RUN, YEAH ) or whatever you would define success as. You should give it a read, it might give you a bit of a lift.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mil stepbar. And Borat_Sagdiyev and limklad, you're both fantastic! Thank you so much for going to such time and trouble to give me that brilliant advice and reassurance. It hasn't turned me into a new person yet but it's definitely helped me to start thinking in a new light. What a great start to work from. I honestly do see myself a bit differently to when I wrote my last post. I'm going to work from there now.
limklad, I'm very sorry to hear you've had such a tough time with your folks - particularly since you seem like such a wonderful person. It genuinely saddens me. All I can say is well f***ing done for being such a lovely, positive person. I wish you the very best in life and hope that you'll have plenty of good experiences to make up for the bad ones.