Saturday Funnies

Hagar

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it.

The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks."

The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was DUCKS everywhere.

The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million DUCKS.

The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"

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An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

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Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

Rabies

banned for reusing jokes
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055039827

Hagar

Bugger, my joke management skills are slipping.

I'll post a joke of equal or greater value shortly.

Hagar

An elderly couple went in together for their annual medical examinations. After examining the man, the doctor then said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time I’m usually hot and sweaty. After I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

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A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”
“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”
“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.” “How about taking another lover?”
“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”
“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”
“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”

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Sherry the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said,” I’m afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You aren't sterile....."

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.” Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

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4 for the price of 1, Harvey Norman couldn't beat that.

kittenkiller

Go Hagar! Go Hagar! Go Hagar Norman!

old boy

keep em coming son

BobbyD10

good stuff

Kojak

Lol