Tired of being controlled

LegacyUser

Long term poster

Basically me and my man have been together 7 yrs since i was 18. He has always been the jealous type , possesive etc. but now its really starting to get me down. If he takes a dislike to one of my friends i cant see them anymore, I have one mate who I have been best mates with forever but other than that I have noone. Just last night he stood in the kitchen telling me that he knew he was controlling and possesive and that he will never change even when im eighty. Sounds funny but if you saw his face u would not be laughing.
I cant talk to him he is a drama queen he loves his drink and last week drank 5 nights out of 7. You have to watch what u say when he is drinking incase he goes off on one. If things dont go his way he strorms out in the car pissed and im stressed to bits till he comes back.
He can be lovely and is a great dad to our two kids but since the new year forever seems a loooong time. It was love at first sight when we met and we got serious v quickly but i can feel it inside that I dont wanna be told what to do anymore, im too young to be leading the life I am.
If I told him I wanted to talk he would be on ther defensive straight away and would be like " do you want me to go yes or no" and due to kids finance etc i say no and we are back to square one.
He winds me up something awful and yesterday did it while we were out with the kids in the car, snaps and roars at me for no reason,.I start to cry and he puts on this weird calm voice "why are you getting urself upset?" It got to the stage where I was scraping my nails down my face to try and ease the frustration and he is half smiling saying "No hurting urself is not going to help matters" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FEELS LIKE IM GOING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!
If we did break up i dont know how things would work, i need him to drop me to work and get kids to school on time etc, these things can be sorted but its just been sooo long since ive made any decisions and being a single parent was never something i thought id end up being

Please help

humanji

Get out of there quickly. You WILL survive without him and at the moment, it's unhealthy for you and more importantly, for your children, to be in that environment.

Skiesonfire19

Bro's before ho's.

Skies

Beruthiel

Trapped 07 wrote:

If we did break up i dont know how things would work, i need him to drop me to work and get kids to school on time etc, these things can be sorted but its just been sooo long since ive made any decisions and being a single parent was never something i thought id end up being

This is no way to be living. You know that or you wouldn't be posting here. No one has the right to tell you what friends you should or shouldn't have. I'm guessing you just let him have his way for peace of mind. That is not a life.
You know that once you set the ball rolling, you WILL manage. You will have no problem making decisions once you know that you can. You can.

He maybe a nice man at times, and good to the kids. But if you are miserable and he will not change his ways, you really have no choice.
If you are miserable, you're kids will be miserable.
A little story.
My sis left a dreadful relationship after 10 years, they also had two kids. Those kids were pretty miserable ones. 1.5 years later, she has rented her own house, found her herself a lovely bloke and I have never seen her kids happier. She never thought she could do it.
When needs must, you can do anything.

If he's not prepared to see a professional and make a huge effort to change, then do what you need to do in order to be happy.
You get one shot at this life, you should not be wasting it!
Best of luck.

hunnymonster

What is your extended family, friends (that he lets you see) situation?

Beruthiel

Skiesonfire19 wrote:

Bro's before ho's

Please explain this comment?
B

Talliesin

Trapped 07 wrote:

its just been sooo long since ive made any decisions

No adult who isn't institutionalised should be able to say that sentence.

Trapped 07 wrote:

being a single parent was never something i thought id end up being

Did you ever think you'd be in an abusive relationship?

LegacyUser

Ive never known any other way of life you see, god im gonna start crying now, i'll always love him and couldnt bear to see him with someone else but cant bear to have him here either. Do you know what I mean?
It would be such a hige thing to split up but my mind is so weak, i havent actually being speaking at all over the weekend just thinkng and i feel lkie i dont wanna see anyone or speak to anyone just hide away. I recognise these feelings from PND and if i do go under again how will I cope with the kids?

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

No adult who isn't institutionalised should be able to say that sentence.
Did you ever think you'd be in an abusive relationship?

No i didnt I just want the best for my babies, my family i believe tolerate him but he put his hands on me a couple of years back and burned his bridges there. They would be behind me of course but they all work full time so no help with school runs etc.

Beruthiel

Trapped 07 wrote:

Ive never known any other way of life you see, god im gonna start crying now, i'll always love him and couldnt bear to see him with someone else but cant bear to have him here either. Do you know what I mean?

I assure you, very quickly you will get over that, in fact, if he does ever find someone silly enough to be with him, there will come a point when you will actually feel pity for her.

my mind is so weak

This is typically what happens in abusive relationships, you have allowed him to break down your self esteem and confidence to such a degree that you now feel too weak to think/make decisions/control your own life.
All of this will come back very quickly once you are out from under his control.

just hide away.

Normal when you are down, you need to talk to someone and get this off your chest.

how will I cope with the kids?

Again, the strength will come from within. It always does when there is no choice.

They would be behind me of course but they all work full time so no help with school runs

Under no circumstances is this a valid reason to stay with someone. You WILL work it out.

humanji

Trapped 07 wrote:

No i didnt I just want the best for my babies, my family i believe tolerate him but he put his hands on me a couple of years back and burned his bridges there. They would be behind me of course but they all work full time so no help with school runs etc.

Well maybe you should talk to your family about it. As you say, they'll be behind you and that'll be a great help for you. As Beruthiel said, the school run is hardly a reason to stay with someone. You'll find a way, no problem.

All in all, it won't be the easiest thing you ever do, but it will possibly be one of the best things you can do. And you CAN do it. You're not as weak as you think you are. Even posting here shows that you're strong enough to want a change. Your family and friend will help you, so ask them for help.

bronte

He has no right to treat you this way and then act like it's you that has the problem.
It's typical behaviour of a very controlling person...particularly the 'calm voice' thing.
You have more strength than you realize and you'll gain even more from your kids.
If youre afraid and fear his reaction, take them to a safe place..family maybe.

If your family knew for a second the extent of what youre going through on a daily basis, they'd be horrified.
They will be there no matter what.
There is nothing to be ashamed about...he is the one that should be ashamed of what he is doing.

you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Miss Fluff

I find your username for this PI interesting, you really are not in any way trapped.

No obstacle that you mention in your post cannot be overcome. You will find another way to ferry the children to school and sentimentality is not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

You obviously adore your kids and going forward your two babies are your priority. Kids, even really young kids, are keenly aware of bad vibes and the longer you stay in an unhappy and abusive relationship, the more your children will suffer.

You owe it to yourself and to your kids to get out and make a new life for yourself. You sound like you have a good friend, talk to her in confidence, and take advantage of the moral support she will offer you.

You are a young woman of 25 with two children, you have your whole life ahead of you, both you and them deserve a lot more.

dellas1979

You poor thing.

I wouldnt even plan it. I would just take the kids and go.

If it cant be fixed, just get out of there.

Your family will help out. I am sure that there is no way they would let you continue to exist like this.

And that is what you are doing - just existing.

You need to prepare yourself mentally and just go.

I know nothing might seem like its making sense to you right now and you are terrified but it just takes one step.

You cant see it for the sadness and anxiety you are in, but people cope. And you will cope. Look how you have already?

What ever happens with him in the future, be it ye break up altogether or get back together in a better way, the worm needs to turn.

Pappa-eat-peach

People shouldn't be in an relationship, whether it be friends or otherwise, if there is abuse. Extreme control and hissy-fitting doesn't sound like fun. Are you happy with your situation? I think not.

Unhappiness can rub off on the kids, too. Maybe a break is in order?

SarahMc

Fast forward 12 months, try to visualise it.

You have stayed. Has he changed, is he still there wrecking your head, has pressure from him forced you to break off the last friendship you have, he may have raised his hand to you again, how has all this affected your children... or

you made the break, you have your own car, and can drop the children off yourself, your money is your own, your headspace is your own. You might be renting your own home after spending a bit of time with family, you can see / talk to your friends when you like. You might not have met anyone else yet, but hey you are focusing on your own life and your children.

The only person who can make this choice is you.

the_syco

I hope one of your kids isn't a boy, as the lack of respect towards women may rub off your partner onto him, and he'll end up just like his dad, mind-set an all.

To be honest, you should look into getting a restraining order against him, and then get you and the kids out of there. As for your entire family working, no probs. See if there's a bus that can bring the kids to school. There's one that brings kids from my area to a nearby school (there's actually a few going to different ones, tbh), so you can always do it that way.

put his hands on me a couple of years back

Finally, the above quote leads me to believe he has hit you, and yet you did nothing. Now think of how, when you became a teenager, how rebellious you were. Then think of how the abusive partner may react to your children's rebellion?

Think hard, and then move out.

Black Swan

Any chance for marriage/couple counselling?

Dutchology

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Any chance for marriage/couple counselling?

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but I have serious doubts that this would contribute in any way to the relationship. He has already stated that he is aware of how he is and will never change. The man seems to have some serious underlying issues, which quite frankly OP, are not yours or those of the children to deal with.

I was in a relationship for 3 years, one in which I would not have been, had I had any self respect at the time. Although there were not a marriage or children involved, I can understand how difficult it can seem to come out of a situation like yours. He shows very similar traits to my ex, ones that are not healthy for either him or you, and most certainly not for the children.

It can be scary to face life alone for the first time since you were at the end of your teenage years, to be in a position to make decisions, but in time, everything will work itself out, and you will finally be able to become you. I guarantee that you have not even been able to begin to discover who "Trapped 07" really is, or how great life can be, really.

Since kicking my man out of the house, moving, spending three months in Spain, moving back home and then recently getting engaged to the love of my life, I have become good friends with myself, and learned to love the control I have over my own life. Life can change so much, positively, if you are willing to take risks and make decisions with uncertain outcomes.

Respect yourself, love your children, take control of your own life, and it can take you to a happy place, where you are comfortable in your own skin, know what you want, go out and get it, and don't live in dread of each day as it comes along.

Be strong.