Available for advice and support

holly_johnson

Like I said in the thread seeking approval for this forum, I am an adopted person who traced both parents (one abroad).
If anyone wants any advice regarding this or wants to talk, feel free to contact me.

rikerdonegal

This is something that interests me.

I met my Birth Mother for the first time four days ago. For the immediate future that will be my main concern, but eventually - at some stage - I'm going to want to go find my father, too. All I know so far is that my Birth Mother has no idea where he is.

Is it harder to trace The Father?

holly_johnson

Congratulations on meeting your birth mother. It's a very nerve-wracking experience but usually a rewarding one.

Personally I found it very difficult to trace my natural father, beacuse he was Dutch and I only had a nickname to go on.
It can be done, but be prepared for a bit of detective work. It also takes time, it took me about 5 years.
Get any information you can from your birth mother, every little helps, such as where did he live (city, country etc), where he worked, name he went by.

Once you have that, you can begin the search.

The_Conductor

Well, you will need to get some information from your birthmum such as his full name, an approximate idea of his age and where (roughly) he was from. You can then get a copy of his birthcert, without too much difficulty, and there are then numerous possible paths of action- such as checking the voter registers (the current ones for the country are available to view at the larger libraries- such as the library in the Ilac centre in Dublin). It might be a little tedious, but it is a lot easier than trying to find your birthmum......

An alternate course of action is the Department of Social and Family affairs will forward a note to him for you if you supply them with sufficient information (they have current contact details for everyone over the age of 16 in the country).

One way or the other- take your time, and only proceed when you are fully happy to do so. Do not feel pressurised into doing anything that you are not fully at ease doing.

When you do decide to look, feel free to post back here and I am sure that there will be lots more useful suggestions for you.

S.

rikerdonegal

Thanks for the feedback.

It's definitely something I will be doing. But, now that I've met my Birth Mum and we're going to be in contact, I'm going to devote my energies to getting to know her.

At some point, of course, I will be following up on this.

And, I'll continue to check back here.

Thanks, again.

Moonbeam

Happy to help anyone out who wants some help/advise too.

Just pm me

Rach

ConansGal

Im applied to try and meet my birth mother about a year ago..
Does anyone know how long I'll have to wait or how long the process is after that. I'd really like to meet her or even just know more about her.
Thanks.

holly_johnson

Hi,

It depends on how you went about seeking contact. I'm unsure how some agencies work but in my case I went to the orphanage that I was adopted from and had to see a counsellor a few times before they even made contact with my birth mother. When she was ready (which again can take a few months) she made contact with the orphanage and we began corresponding by letter using first names only. The letters were posted by the orphanage. This went on for about 6 - 8 months and then the first meeting was arranged.

Hope this helps, feel free to post any questions you may have or if you just want to talk.

Sinéad

The_Conductor

ConansGal wrote:

Im applied to try and meet my birth mother about a year ago..
Does anyone know how long I'll have to wait or how long the process is after that. I'd really like to meet her or even just know more about her.
Thanks.

Hi ConansGal- would I be correct in assuming from your message that filled out the contact preference register which was sent around to all households about 16 months ago?

If so- that is just the first of many stages. The Adoption Authority have to confirm your details and input your details onto their database (this should be done by this time). They then have to cross reference your details with those of your birthmum and check whether or not she has filled out a contact preference register.

Once a match has been made/confirmed- the details are then passed onto social workers who would contact both you and your birthmum and act as intermediaries between you.

If you have not received any correspondence from the Adoption Authority, other than confirmation of receipt of your Register Preference details- I would seriously advise sending a registered letter to them, explaining your situation and emphasising the fact that you have not heard anything back from them as yet (other than confirmation of receipt of register details).

If you are getting nowhere with the current course of action you are taking- there are other manners of making contact with your birthmum, such as looking for her directly herself. If you are interested in doing so, there is a helpfile available that will give you ideas of a few potential courses of action- and of course feel free to post here and we'll offer you any advice or guidance that we can.

Take care,

Shane

ConansGal

Thank you, I did fill out that form. I also registered with the agency through which I was adopted (Cúnamh) to try and trace her through there. I havent heard anything from either of them.
I think I may send that letter, just so I know whats going on.
Also is that helpfile online or anything?
Thank you very much

The_Conductor

Hi ConansGal,

Write to Cunamh (they handled my adoption too, many moons ago) and address your letter to Julie Kerrins, who is in charge. She will probably tell you that because of budetary constraints they just haven't gotten around to getting to your case yet. They are snowed under, with requests from adopted people for information- however it is quite pathetic that you haven't heard from either of them yet.

Cunamh have always maintained that because of confidentiality they are limited in what they can/cannot do or what information they can release to you. You are perfectly within your rights to seek the release of non-identifying information though, which they normally take about 10 days to process.

Here is a link to a trace-guide which can be useful for doing a little searching of your accord.

If you have any questions at all- please post here and we'll do our best to guide you.

I know it can be daunting- but you have taken the first difficult steps.

Take care,

Shane

rikerdonegal

Hi ConansGal,

Well my own timeline went as follows:

In early-September, I filled out the Contact Preference Register.

In mid-October, I received a phone call to confirm that a match had been found.

But mid-December, I had met with a Social Worker a couple of time. Very useful.

In mid-January we met face to face at a neutral location.

So, from the time that an actual match was made, things moved reasonably fast.

In my case, the process leading to the initial phone call was fast because my b-mother had already filled out the form and was on the database.

Hope this helps.

RD

ConansGal

Thank you all so much. I had a read through the guide. I think I might try and gather up some information. Finding my original birth cert should be made somewhat easier considering the name my birth mother gave me. I doubt there's too many Hallóg's out there.
Thank you so much, I'll be sure to let you know how it's going. I'll probably need more guidance
Thank you.

justagirl

I traced my birth mother through an adoption agency, I met her a couple of times at the start and now we keep in contact maybe once a year by letter (I know her address/she knows mine).... I know nothing of my birth father - I have asked her numerous times about him, he knew about my birth and came once to the hospital to see me, however, they were not a couple.... my birth mother has said that she wants to contact him first as she thinks she owes it to him (she thinks he may have gone abroad/possible to Spain)....I've been patient and went through the correct channels/correct procedures to contact her...after many, many years my patience is going....I'm now annoyed with her....I am tempted to write her a letter telling her I really need to move on and find out a bit more about him (again, going through the correct channels)..... I fear that I will only find out about him too late...

I know my birth mothers full name... nothing else... I haven't applied for my 'original' birth cert - would this show me anything I don't know already... How do you think I should proceed.... its got to the stage that I haven't wrote to her in over a year because I just feel very angry inside - I think its my right...

Hope this doesn't sound too 'off' ! I'm just frustrated!... Thanks..

The_Conductor

Justagirl - I can relate to what you've posted, even if I do have a little more information than you have. First of all, your original birthcert will not have any information on it, that you do not already have. It is extremely unlikely to have your father's name- in the case of us adopted people there is normally simply a blank on the form. Even where the birthmums knew very well who the father was/is- in the vast majority of cases the agencies and homes where the mothers were would have insisted on not including the information when registering the birth. It is nice to have your original birth cert- its a nice feeling to have the original unchanged document- but it won't tell you anything you don't already know.

You have two options really- to contact your birthmum or to contact the agency. The agency will have some information that you probably do not already have- they will even at this stage release non-identifying information to you, but anything of a personal nature they will insist on clearing with your birthmum first. So the one person who holds the key to information, is your birthmum. Personally I think it would be more worthwhile to try to contact her yourself and perhaps organise to meetup with her once again. You'll not achieve an awful lot if you come across as angry- but you'll have to clear and firm about what you are seeking from her on this occasion. She did promise to give you the information- obviously its very stressful for her, and its something that she is trying to put on the long finger- but you're going to have to be clear that its not something that you are willing to put on the long finger.

Don't write an angry letter to her- write a letter, and over the course of a few days modify it before you send it.

There is no point in being angry with her- she is only dealing with things to the best of her ability (albeit badly).

To be 100% honest with you- I probably should sit down and write a similar letter myself- its something that I have been dreading.......

justagirl

Thank you for your quick reply.

I will definately write her a letter... I have her mobile phone number but just don't feel comfortable ringing her.. we used to keep in touch frequently at the start but then the gap got longer and longer... she's a nice lady.. but I've never felt that 'belonging' or should I say it didn't all click into place when I met her.. hope this makes sense!...... I am annoyed with her.. rightly or wrongly so ..because I have always done the right thing in the right way with her.... but I would never convey my anger to her..... (maybe thats my problem!!)... anyway, I will do as you say and start a letter asking for all the information she will give me (the tracing guide is a good guide)... and I'll get my husband to read it to make sure I cover everything... ... I'm very happy in my own life and have my own family now... but even being the age I am... I still feel a 'gap' ... ...

Thats enough from me now!! .. Thanks again...

The_Conductor

I can relate to feeling a gap- despite having found my birthmum too.
I have very little contact with her, at her request, and also at her request she initiates all contact- which suits her, but leaves me lost, not knowing when/if she will next call, and I feel like I'm threading on eggshells when talking to her, and constantly worried about saying anything that might annoy her. Its not ideal.....

Anger can be a useful emotion in its own right- providing you understand why you are angry and how the situation can be changed in a way to allay your anger. Unfortunately for adopted people- the very lack of control over the situation means that those things which we are angry about very often are never resolved in our eyes, irrespective of what we do.

Having your hubbie look over the letter is probably a good idea, even if it is a very personal thing. It is tough, trying to communicate with your birthmum, without saying things that you may truely feel should be said, because you have no idea how she might react were you to be brutally honest with her.

I believe the "gap" that you're referring to, is actually a sense of belonging. Perhaps you imagined that this sense of belonging would be satisfied when you found your birthmum, but have found it not to be the case- leaving a different sort of an unsatisfied gap there in place of the original gap? Its very difficult for someone who isn't adopted to comprehend what its like to experience this sort of gap- or even to try to understand why you mightn't be satisfied now that you've found your bmum- but it is difficult.......

Best of good luck with your letter writing,

Shane

justagirl wrote:

Thank you for your quick reply.

I will definately write her a letter... I have her mobile phone number but just don't feel comfortable ringing her.. we used to keep in touch frequently at the start but then the gap got longer and longer... she's a nice lady.. but I've never felt that 'belonging' or should I say it didn't all click into place when I met her.. hope this makes sense!...... I am annoyed with her.. rightly or wrongly so ..because I have always done the right thing in the right way with her.... but I would never convey my anger to her..... (maybe thats my problem!!)... anyway, I will do as you say and start a letter asking for all the information she will give me (the tracing guide is a good guide)... and I'll get my husband to read it to make sure I cover everything... ... I'm very happy in my own life and have my own family now... but even being the age I am... I still feel a 'gap' ... ...

Thats enough from me now!! .. Thanks again...

justagirl

Txs for reply Shane

That must be very difficult that your birth mum can only initiate all the contact - isn't it terrible that you must feel like the one who should be threading carefully?.. I think its very selfish of her (I don't mean to offend you or her by saying this) - I can understand she will have her own life now (as my own birth mum does with her son and her husband who knows about me) - but its unfair that she has all the control.... Personally, my birth mum had me when she was about 26 years... I know that times were very different then... but a part of me always feels like she could have kept me... I didn't think it was that young in the early seventies... but I ended up with a good family so was lucky. I found out I also have a half brother - I don't keep in touch with him - I found out about him from the very beginning and met him.. but he was a lot younger than me so I don't think he really understood what was going on...

May I ask - have you found out anything about your birth father ? Did your birth mum tell you anything about him?..

I'm going to be honest in my letter ... I'm going to tell her I need to know ..

Take care.

The_Conductor

Its not selfishness on her part, its a total lack of understanding on the part of her now husband and some of my half-siblings, who I very much doubt I'll ever get to meet.

She is a lovely woman, but has no support or even comprehension of the situation, from her side- so anything to do with me is isolated from the rest of her life- much like the past I guess.....

My mum had me when she was only 20, and she had no family support whatsoever, so it wasn't the case that she could have kept me- I do understand that. Even if your mother was a lot older than mine was- as you have said yourself, times were very different back then. Raising a child as a single parent was simply not possible- it would have represented ostrascisation on the part of the community at large. There simply were no single parents- and the very few out there were often ridiculed and their children picked out in schools. Even adopted children would have occasionally been mentioned in front of classes in primary school- myself and 3 others had a few very miserable afternoons in primary school......

The very first phone call I had with my mum she mentioned my birth father- and nothing since. I don't know his name or very much about him, and from the very little I know about him, and the situation with my birth mum, I am very apprehensive about proceeding further. I know I shouldn't let one situation cloud another- but its impossible to try to view things in isolation. In any case- I never really ever thought about him when I was growing up- it was always my birthmum who I thought of. I suppose I did sort of put her on a pedestal that she never could occupy in real life, but some things do still hurt a lot.

The very best of good luck with your letter writing- I know how hard it is to say some things.....

Shane

justagirl

I didn't mean to offend in any way when I said her actions were selfish ...apologies in advance if I offended ... its just how I feel right now about my own birth mother and the way she is witholding information about my own birth father.....

Its such a shame that you have not met your half siblings.. I was lucky to have met mine once but he was very young and I didn't realise the implications myself back then so I didn't really make a great effort to keep in touch with him...I could however, write a letter to him now I suppose via my birth mother .....did you ever mention to your birth mum that you would like to meet your half siblings or at least ask if they would like to know anything about you?

Like you, my birth mother had no possibility of family support as her own mother died when she was young and it was not possible for her to tell her own father and she was living away from the family home at the time...and my birthfather knew about my birth but was obviously not interested.... god knows.. maybe it was a one night stand... maybe he was married - I'd just like to know...

I hope your birth mother can find it in her heart to share more with you...

Thanks for listening Shane.. I'll write my letter this week for sure... I might check back here to mention what I've asked for and see if I've covered everything...

Also, should I write to the agency that adopted me out and ask them for all of the information also?..(I have not done that to date).

You take care of yourself.... life is short - you owe it to yourself to ask for the information you need .......

The_Conductor

justagirl wrote:

Also, should I write to the agency that adopted me out and ask them for all of the information also?..(I have not done that to date).

First of all, no worries at all, you didn't offend me.

Re: writing to the agency- something you should keep in mind is that the agencies do not see that they have any obligations towards adopted people (some have slightly more enlightened policies than others). It is most probable that if you contact the agency seeking information that they will only forward the same information onto you once again- unless you supply them with your birthmums name and current address- in which case they will contact her for permission to release whatever information it is that they have. Its very possible that the information they have on file may be inaccurate (often agencies workers seem to have thought they were doing birthmums a favour by delibertly putting false information on their files). At the end of the day-its back to your birthmum one way or the other.

My birthmum's mother died very young earlier (which was actually very helpful when I was searching for her), and she was brought up by a sister- so she didn't have any family support. My birthfather is as far as I know, not aware of my existence- something that has somewhat coloured my intentions towards searching for him. As for my siblings- I'm not going to go into it here, but from my birthmums explanation, I can understand some of their reactions (not all )

C'est la vie.......

Best wishes,

Shane