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A few gritty ones

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  • 19-01-2007 2:43pm
    #1
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭


    Why didn't Superman save the children in iraq?
    Because he's dead and before that he was in a wheelchair!

    This guy goes into his local and orders a scotch. As he fires it down the landlord says 'You look a bit cheerful tonight, Fred.' Fred says 'Well last night I was walking the dog down by the railway and I came across this lass tied to the line.' The landlord raises his eyebrows. 'Go on', he says. 'Well,' Fred continues, 'I untied her and took her back home. And we got down to it. Man, it was amazing. We did it on the kitchen table. We shagged on the stairs, we shagged on the bed, in the bed, under the bed. We did it from behind in the shower. Had a bath. Did it again in front of the telly. That Little Britain was on. Seen it?' Landlord shakes his head. 'Dead funny,' says Fred. 'Anyway this morning I took her back down to the railway and left her there. What a night.' Landlord pours him another drink. Fred downs it. 'So was she a good looking lass then,' asks the landlord. Fred looks up blankly. 'Dunno mate. I never found her head.'

    What's blue and f*cks grannies?
    Me in my lucky little blue coat.

    Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
    In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
    A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord .
    Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
    The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
    A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
    The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
    Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
    "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
    The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."


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