where does son fit in?

Trinity

Hi

First of all congratulations on the forum!

I have read the charter and hope i am within the boundaries with this thread!

Long story short my sons father is adopted. I tried to encourage him and help him to trace his parents but he was too scared. I should add that at the time he gave me permission to make enquiries but i ran into a brick wall naturally as they dont give any information over the phone and it wasnt even myself i was enquiring about! So he wouldnt do anything further, he seemed ok with the idea of me doing it which i understood but i couldnt get the info we needed.

Now we are no longer in contact. He doesnt see his son. He is mixed race so my son is dark, the only one in the family.

Anyway obviously i dont want to go looking or anything its not my place but what are the implications for my son cos his father wouldnt look. Does the bloodline stop with his dad or when he is older, what happens if he wants to know about his family, heritage etc?? He is young now but i just wonder what to tell him when he is older.

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks

The_Conductor

Trinity-

Its difficult to be honest.
While it is possible for you/your son to trace your son's father's birth parents, it is just a little more difficult than were it he himself doing so (but by no means impossible).

I've attached a slightly modified Traceguide for adopted people to this message for you to download and have a look at.

Note: While I do not advocate you doing so- it is not unheard of for people in your position to send letters to the Adoption Authority (such as the one in the attached word document) on behalf of the adopted person. You will need to know your son's father's birthday and his whole name.

Note: I am assuming that your son's father was born and adopted in Ireland- please correct me if I am incorrect, and I will forward more pertinent information.

S.

holly_johnson

Very comprehensive document Shane.

Trinity1, there are two ways you can look at this situation.

1. His adopted parents are his heritage as they raised him and effectively made him the person he is.
2. His natural parents are his true bloodline.

From my own point of view, being adopted, I haven't said anything to my 5 year old yet. I will wait until she's a bit older, but not too much more, I think.

The way my parents told me when I was very young (so young I don't remember it), was that I was a very special child that God had decided to send to my Mam and Dad because they couldn't have children and wanted to share their home with a beautiful girl. Very sentimental I know, but it did the trick. They also used bedtime stories involving adopted children.
But to me and her, Nana and Grandad will always be that, just like they will always be Mam and Dad to me. Being adopted is an issue I think that affects some people worse than others, and men worse than that again. I know my brother has never accepted the fact that he is adopted and freaks if you even mention it.

I admire you for wanting to find out for your son's sake, but a little part of me thinks that if your ex really wanted to know, wouldn't he have looked himself? Are you still in touch with him? Maybe it might be a good idea to mention it to him and see what he thinks. I don't mean not telling your son, that is something you should definitely do. A family with secrets is a dangerous thing.

I hope I've helped, I feel I may have gone off tangent a bit!

Trinity

Thanks for the replies guys and Holly thanks for sharing that with me.

He was born and adopted in Ireland. I know it affects him more than he lets on, But he would never admit it. I got him talking about it once and he told me his fear was that he had left it too late and that his birth mum would be dead or something, at least this way he cant get hurt again.

We are not in contact with each other. I have a thread in parenting, he has messed his son around since he was born, coming and going, letting 2 years pass withour seeing him.

His family are strange in that they dont seem to be close. They show no interest in our son and have only seen him a couple of times. No one calls to see how he is. I think that has a lot to do with why my sons dad has never commited himself to our son, even though my family and friends think i am just making excuses for him, they think he is just heartless and selfish. Maybe they are right but i have seen a side to him they havent. He was in a home til he was one.

I dont feel right about finding his parents even if i could. But, my son is missing out i feel. He doesnt know his dad too well nor any of his side of the family and we have no contact.

I suppose part of me in the past wanted to 'fix' his dad and i thought finding his mother would do it.

I believe his birth mum left a letter for him when he was 18, but no one would give it to him so he never got it.

Sorry for the rant

The_Conductor

Trinity-

Its simply not possible "to fix" anyone, as you have probably come to realise.
We are all products of our experiences and feelings- and its not possible to fully understand someone or fix them, its a journey that they themselves must undertake themselves.

The fact that he messed your son around in the past could very well be a product of his own upbringing and possibly feelings towards childhood- that is something that its quite impossible to say though.

While you *can* find his mother (most probably) from the little information you have- what do you hope to achieve from finding her? Yes, it may shed a little light on your son's father's background- then again, perhaps it may not. You have no idea what you may find or uncover when you go searching. You also have no idea whether you would be thanked for your efforts or politely told to please go-away and don't come back again.

You say that a letter was left for your former partner, it really does seem to be extremely unfair that this letter was never given to him. Perhaps an initial course of action might be to try to interest him in seeking this letter and deciding then how to proceed (but it is his decision, not yours).

I know it must seem frustrating for you- but a lot of these things are out of your hands.

You most probably have sufficient information to find his mother, if you so decide. Keep in mind that you may not necessarily be thanked for your efforts if you do go down that road......

Trinity

Thanks Shane

I appreciate the reply. You're right of course what if i did find her, and i probably could! What then?

I cant make that decision for him or suddenly produce a birth mother he has learned to live without for 37 years. i just hope for his own sake he will do it one day.

Thanks for the replies i suppose i will just have to tell my son the truth when hes older. He knows nothing about his heritage. We are all blonde haired blue eyed in the family and he feels different cos naturally hes dark hair, eyes and skin. The only thing i know to tell him is that his grandfather is possibly from Kenya?

Thats what i was getting at originally, could my son look for his birth gran when hes older. But ya know thats a few years ago yet anyway!

The_Conductor

Trinity- unfortunately it may very well be that you need to bring the situation to a head with your son's father. Unfortunately the vast majority of adopted people who search for their birthparents are women, not men. Much has been made of the possible manner in which women value familial ties more than men do, its all theories though. If your ex-partner has not searched of his accord at this stage, it is quite improbable that he will do so.

You do have sufficient information to search of your own accord- but it would most probably be better for your son's sake, if his father was an integral part of this.

If he doesn't wish to search- it may be that he might agree to you getting non-identifying information from the Adoption Authority on his behalf, for your son.

Do let us know how things pan out.

Shane

neilled

Trinity1 wrote:

i will just have to tell my son the truth when hes older. He knows nothing about his heritage. We are all blonde haired blue eyed in the family and he feels different cos naturally hes dark hair, eyes and skin. The only thing i know to tell him is that his grandfather is possibly from Kenya?

Thats what i was getting at originally, could my son look for his birth gran when hes older. But ya know thats a few years ago yet anyway!

Hi Trinity. As one of the first overseas adoptions from my part of the country i do recommend that you tell your son the truth about his ancestory. My bloodline as such is from the far east, and whilst the republic of ireland these days is fairly ethnically diverse, the part of the north i grew up in was not. Therefor i stuck out a mile in comparison to everyone else. You'd be surprised how fast your son will figure out that he doesn't look like everyone else in the family.... best be honest with him about it so that if he wants he can have a bit of an interest in where part of his family came from.

My two cents.

loismustdie

hi trinity, it's great that you are taking such an interest. howevder i too am adopted and i know that if my son's father took it upon himsef to dig through my family i'd be so annoyed so i would definitely talk to him first and explain why you still have an interest. your son is too young at the moment to care i would say so you have some time, good luck with all