An update...sort of!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Saw Gordon making a slight complaint in another thread that people rarely come back to give an update to their situation, so thought I'd post an update to mine as well as try and get some confirmation on some thoughts on some issues I've had lately. Sorry if its long and blog-like, just have a bit on my mind which I could do with putting to rest but I do appreciate any input that those who take the time to read it will give.

So a few months ago I posted a thread asking about how to get out of a rut, as I'd been diagnosed with depression and was stuck on a course of anti-depressants. Couldn't find the thread so have to use a different username, thanks to those who responded though, Kell, MarkSuttonie et al.

I've been Zispin 30mg per day for a few months now, don't really know how responsible it is for the change I've went through since then, but its been a good change anyway. Got a new job which I'm really enjoying, have to do very little and getting paid well for it and have met some great people through it and I've returned to my old social situation, going out with friends regularly and enjoying myself. Admittedly I do drink on the a-d's, found that if I stick to the beer and avoid spirits I'm absolutely fine, though I did find out the hard way . Took up a new activity that I'm also enjoying and getting to meet new people through, which is always good.

Have put on a bit of weight, but only a few pounds and I'm a thin enough guy that a few pounds isn't noticable nor does it bother me. So overall lifes gone from crap to great relatively quickly, as has my overall mood which is great. All the little issues that caused me to get stuck into that rut have been resolved and are well in the past. Supposed to be on the anti-depressants until April but may just quit it earlier on, don't really feel the need for them anymore. A few friends actually found out about the whole thing and though questioned how I got into such a rut, were supportive all the same. Sure we'll see what the GP says when I go back at the start of February. I've started smoking cannabis regularly, which could be cause for concern but I don't really feel like it is, I'll be quitting it again soon enough as soon as I'm able to drink without concern again.
Anyway, so thats an update to where I'm at now.

Now, I've just an issue or so I'd like to get settled. First off, for a bit of background, I met this girl early last year. Very quickly we became close and had a really good friendship, an absolutely amazing one actually. We'd literally talk almost every minute of the day, be it by sms, msn, phone etc., somehow she never bored me, never annoyed me, only positive things. This went on for months, and as time went by we got closer and closer and before I knew it there were feelings involved. Now, before then I'd never really had anything serious with a girl, having been somewhat afraid of committment or perhaps of my own feelings, I usually got myself out of situations where things got somewhat serious.

I was handling the whole thing quite well anyway, was dealing with whatever of my own feelings surfaced easily enough, even though it was actually the first time I'd ever felt them really. Was amazed that a girl had had such an effect on me, had even changed me somewhat into being more open and honest about my feelings, as well as more understanding of others feelings or situations. Anyway, she told me she'd feelings for me and I told her the same, etc etc etc things got more serious which somewhat threw me into the pit deeper. One thing was that we never fought, she'd sometimes freak out but that was understandable, she was confused a lot about different things and in a way it also highlighted the age difference between us, I just tended to deal with things in a mature manner. But there was no fights, which considering we were literally talking to eachother all day every day for months on end, was odd but I thought it was great.

Anyway, things continued on but after a couple of months out of absolutely nowhere, literally, she changed. Some days she'd be real nice, the same girl I'd known all along who was quite forward with me in regards to how she felt, the next day she could be a totally different person. She'd always said she couldn't not text me in the mornings, or couldn't stop thinking about me etc. and for this change to come about, it was strange to say the least. Totally shut out, unwilling to talk, picking petty fights with me etc. I just thought she was going through an extended version of one of her freak outs, and did what I always did in the situation to try and get her back to normal.

Then it suddenly got worse, I was being ignored and it seemed we only talked when it suited her, which wasn't all that often. So it went from talking all day every day, to barely talking. It was bizarre. All along I'd been the same person, though somewhat "softened" up as a result of the effect she had on me. Then she told me she needed time to think, so I said fair enough take all the time you want, though it killed me, and just to let me know what the plan was. So time went by, sent her a message asking what her plan was, calling was futile, and she sent back something along the lines of "just give me time". So, I left her be and got on with my own life, expecting to hear what exactly was going on at some point, but after a while I grew impatient and sent a message asking what was the plan, like an idiot I suppose. Well, the message I got back cut through me, along the lines of "take a hint, I've moved on etc etc" basically to f*ck off. After all I'd done, I had one of my closest friends, amongst other things, turn around and give me that. Was shocked and quite hurt by the whole thing but its nothing I couldn't get over quick enough 'cause I'm naturally quite a strong person.

Now I realise I'd been absolutely walked all over and felt like a spastic for letting someone do that to me, as usually I'd never let anyone do such a thing, but I actually couldn't help it. I'd gotten myself into something I'd never been in before and didn't know how to handle it...so I went straight back to an ex who had arrived back on the scene, which is over now. I had put the whole thing out of my mind and gotten on with things anyway, I had enough ****e to deal with and didn't really want to be dealing with that at the time. Anyway, over the last few days I've found myself thinking of her when I'm by myself or when I'm not occupied , but more wondering whether it was my fault for what had happened, i.e I'd became too soft and having her walk all over me, she'd lost respect for me, though I'd never demanded it in the first place tbh. What do you think? I've lost, amongst other things, one of my closest friends but am I to blame? Or is she just an immature, cold hearted bitch? Or a bit of both? Its certainly never happened before, but its been bothering me as to what exactly I did wrong to deserve that. I've NEVER had a friend turn around and be like that towards me, so being totally in the dark over it kind of sucks.

As a consequence, as I mentioned already I started seeing an ex again immediately but I suppose I let the whole experience with the other girl affect things, my ex wanted something more serious and I said to myself "f*ck that, I'm not going through that again now and dealing with more of that stuff" and quickly told her that I couldn't see it going anywhere and that we were best to leave it at that. As bad as it is, I also messed around with her head a bit...in spite I suppose. Anyway, thats over and I've apologised to her so theres not much debate on that, it really was for the best as she was an ex for a reason but what I'm concerned with is whether this thing is going to come up time and time again, and have an effect on my future relationships?
I know I shouldn't let one experience dictate how I act in a different situation, but after what happened I don't really want to set myself up to be f*cked over like that again. I should hope that I'll meet someone who I'll have such a connection with again, otherwise I've really f*cked up...or did I?!

I can't believe that I've actually thought about her lately. I dunno, maybe its just because valentines day is coming up, or maybe I miss her? I dunno, I know I don't miss the way she treated me towards the end but for some reason I'm just not angry about it, at least I've no anger or anything directed towards her, as though some sub-conscious part of me has already accepted the blame for the whole thing falling apart. Shouldn't I be angry?! Unbelievably I actually think I'd forgive her, which I know isn't right but can't help feeling like I would. That said, she knows how to contact me and I'm certainly not going to even keep any hope that some day she will, I've got to keep getting on with life as I have been the past few months and meeting more new girls, I just don't want the whole thing to affect my perception or the way I act with new situations, but I can't help feeling that it will. She turned me into a real "nice guy", but having had that done to me I can't help but think I'd be better off resorting to my old ways. So basically, does anyone have any advice on the matter? Was I to blame for the whole thing falling apart?I.e going too soft, putting her on a pedastool and not demanding any respect? I really just want to put the whole thing to rest, as it was until I got that brutal reply from her and has been since. I feel like an absolute tool after the whole thing, and don't want it repeating, but also just don't want to **** up things in the future as a result of it.

So thats the first issue, the other is shorter and unrelated. Basically, I'm in a course now in college which I absolutely loathe, I just really don't enjoy the college nor do I get along most of the class, we're just completely different people. It doesn't bother me as I've loads of friends outside the college, and the friends I have in the college are fine but what I am slightly worried about is the fact that I'll be changing college in September, to a different course full of new people...the problem, or at least to me, is that I'll be a 21 year old going back through 2nd year. I know its not a huge problem, but seeing how the older students in my own course were treated...I don't want to be one of them! However, they were 23-27 or so...what I'm really just asking is has anyone been through college a little later in life?Or is being 21 in a class full of 18/19 year olds really nothing to be bothered about? I mean, when I got on a J1...well, I'll probably be the only one legally able to drink! Its not causing huge concern, but the applications have to be in soon enough I think so its been on my mind a little over the past few days.

Anyway, thanks to all who read through that and in advance for any advice posted. I know its a long one, but I kind of needed to rant about it and get it off my chest seeing as I'm not really the type to discuss it with the lads, except one, who gave me really bad advice on it and I'm not having the girls I know find out what an idiot I'd been.

dame

First of all, congratulations on getting help with your depression and getting on with your life. I mean it, that's a hard thing to do. I wouldn't give up the anti-depressants before the doctor tells you that you can though....I've seen another do that repeatedly and it just leads them to start going downwards and after a time need to go back on them again, time after time. The doc says that if they just finished the course properly there would be far far less chance of a relapse.

On the girl issue...I'm a little confused. You said the girl you've been texting, msn etc with is the first one you've really had feelings for. Why then did you have an ex? And why did you get back together with that ex knowing that you'd never really had feelings for her, even when you were together first time around? Forget both of them and move on. Concentrate on your new interests and forget about girlfriends for the moment. Some-one special will tun up when you least expect it.

On college: Lots of people don't really enjoy the course they're doing but the end justifies doing it. Do your best and leave with that bit of paper. On starting in a new college next September: you'd be surprised how many second years actually will be 20/21. What with transition year, people taking a year out before college and people changing course (like you). I'd say there's a fairly good chance you won't be the oldest in the class by any means. Also, if you chat to people and don't make an issue of being older/thinking you're more mature then people probably won't even realise you may be one year older than some of them. Don't let that worry you at all. Send in your application and get on with it.

Drift

Hey man, good to hear you're feeling better. I'm afraid on the gf front I can't be of much help but I do think that these things get easier to deal with as time passes.

I'm a postgrad in college. When I did my undergrad I was the same age as the majority of the class but now I tutor undergrad classes every year and I come into contact with many "mature" students. Firstly I think the age difference between 21 and 19 is totally insignificant. If someone started school at five and did transition year or repeated they could easily be this age compared to a 19 year old who started school at 4 and just did 5 years in secondary school. Secondly I have to say that the way older students are treated by their class mates depends completely on the person in question, some mature students prefer not to get very involved in the stereotypical student life of late night partying etc., but in my experience these tend to be the much older ones (40s to 50s) who have families at home ..... however most of these students still have a great relationship with their classmates because they make the effort to chat and have fun with them during normal college time when lectures are on. I've also encountered mature students who are completely integrated into their peers and tbh its almost impossible to tell that they are slightly older than their friends at college.

To sum up, I think the only thing that will set you apart or make you an outsider in this new college class will be if you set yourself apart. So when you join the class get stuck in, go to the class parties, chat with the lads, tell them you're hoping to do the J1 thing etc etc. Whatever you do don't look down on them in a condescending "I'm older than you and therefore know a lot more than you" sort of way. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure people in the class will like you for who you are. I must stress again though that 2 years is an insignificant difference.

LegacyUser

'

dame wrote:

First of all, congratulations on getting help with your depression and getting on with your life. I mean it, that's a hard thing to do. I wouldn't give up the anti-depressants before the doctor tells you that you can though....I've seen another do that repeatedly and it just leads them to start going downwards and after a time need to go back on them again, time after time. The doc says that if they just finished the course properly there would be far far less chance of a relapse.

Yeah, I guess I'll wait and see what my GP says when I'm in for a check up in the next few weeks. I'm just in such a good mood these days, literally everything seems to be going right for me so am just eager to no longer "need" the medication, though I feel as though I don't need it now, I wouldn't want to come off it too soon and find myself back where I started.

dame wrote:

On the girl issue...I'm a little confused. You said the girl you've been texting, msn etc with is the first one you've really had feelings for. Why then did you have an ex? And why did you get back together with that ex knowing that you'd never really had feelings for her, even when you were together first time around?

Well, its been kind of a recurring or common situation throughout my teen years through to my early twenties, I find a girl that I'm really attracted to physically, then will either grow an attraction for their personality or call it quits i.e if I don't find their personality attractive after a while, well there just wasn't a point in dragging out the inevitable, you know?
But, if I do find their personality attractive, in the past if its got in any way serious, or she has admitted she had feelings for me or whatever or if I felt the slightest bit of myself developing feelings for her, I'd get myself out of that situation rather quickly. I suppose it was partially a fear of commitment, had a sort of "I'm a young, good looking guy, the world is my oyster and theres absolutely no need to go tying myself down to the one person now" attitude towards it, and having seen the effect girls, or their own feelings, had had on friends of mine, I just didn't want to become one of them. If you know what I mean?

Like, I'd look around at the guys I knew in long term relationships and see how they'd let themselves fall for these girls and we're now "yes" men to them, as though their own will had been given up and I just didn't want that happening me. I also saw how guys were affected when they broke up with girls, and how hurt and destroyed they were when the whole thing fell apart, and I didn't want to land myself in that situation.

I'll chalk it down as part immaturity and part fear, but I just broke up or stopped seeing girls who I either no longer found attractive, be it their personality or their physical appearance, or those that came out telling me they'd feelings for me, or that I felt I was developing feelings for them. Trying to keep the "fun" in it all I suppose. So thats where my ex came into it, she was just one of those girls but I hadn't developed feelings for her, I just found her becoming increasingly annoying so thats how she became an ex...

However, shes a very attractive girl, very caring, generous etc. so I guess as soon as I realised the sh1t had hit the fan in regards to the other girl, I went back to her...simply because I was confused, hurt and also, it required no effort as she'd put herself out there to me. Rebounded I suppose, but I stuck with her for a while when things were going good but I had to end that. I was fully aware that I'd never had feelings for her first time around, and I was also kind of aware that I never would either...I did make some sort of effort though but saw it going absolutely nowhere so didn't want to waste any more time of hers nor my own, nor did I want to hurt the girl again, something which is was setting up to end as.

Thats something that really took me by surprise, with the other girl [not my ex], I "fell" for her personality first, which actually made her looks a lot less important to me, though as far as I'm concerned she was/is absolutely beautiful but I know a few guys would disagree...so I guess the thing as a whole was completely new to me and I suppose in a good way too? I mean, I fell for a girl because of her personality first and foremost, which is something that I can assure you has never happened in the past! Which also made the whole thing a lot harder to deal with, seeing her change like that and blaming myself for what I had "created" I suppose. I dunno...

Sorry, I'm kind of spilling my thoughts into the thread so if anything I've said is unclear feel free to question it!

dame wrote:

Forget both of them and move on. Concentrate on your new interests and forget about girlfriends for the moment. Some-one special will tun up when you least expect it.

Lol, I sure hope so. Took 19/20 years for the first one to turn up so I can only hope it doesn't take another 19/20 for the next one to! I've changed as a person though and am more mature now though, and after all I've learned through the most recent experiences I guess it'll make it easier in the future.

One problem that I do have though is, I don't know which guy I want to be anymore! I mean, I've always been a nice guy, and never tried to hurt someone purposely, I was just always aware of the situations I put myself into and tried to avoid f*cking myself over or having someone else do it for me...I sure as hell didn't see it coming when the stuff I talked about happened!But I'm a real caring person, sensitive of others feelings/situations and understanding of, I'd really go out of my way to make someone happy BUT I also changed a bit throughout the whole experience, and became I suppose a bit of a walk-over. Which I think I'm going to have to prevent in the future, but I guess I'm just finding it hard to grasp how I can stay the same guy, dodge turning into a walk over but yet let myself "fall" for someone. However, as I said in the OP I didn't have any experience in such a "serious" matter before so I guess in the future just exercise more self-control?

I'm a little confused, as you can probably tell. I mean, I could always resort back to my old ways, it'd surely prevent me from getting f*cked over but it'd stop me experiencing the same things that I've went through[the positives] while at the same time opening up the possibility to be screwed over. I dunno...! Thanks for the response though. Oh and don't worry, I fully intend on keeping on getting on with things, I've been doing great for the last while and intend on keeping that up.

dame wrote:

On college: Lots of people don't really enjoy the course they're doing but the end justifies doing it. Do your best and leave with that bit of paper. On starting in a new college next September: you'd be surprised how many second years actually will be 20/21. What with transition year, people taking a year out before college and people changing course (like you). I'd say there's a fairly good chance you won't be the oldest in the class by any means. Also, if you chat to people and don't make an issue of being older/thinking you're more mature then people probably won't even realise you may be one year older than some of them. Don't let that worry you at all. Send in your application and get on with it.

Yeah will do, my minds more settled on it now, I suppose I just find it weird because I'll be in the same year as my cousin, who I've always looked at as being a kid even though hes well grown up now.

drift wrote:

Hey man, good to hear you're feeling better. I'm afraid on the gf front I can't be of much help but I do think that these things get easier to deal with as time passes.

I'm a postgrad in college. When I did my undergrad I was the same age as the majority of the class but now I tutor undergrad classes every year and I come into contact with many "mature" students. Firstly I think the age difference between 21 and 19 is totally insignificant. If someone started school at five and did transition year or repeated they could easily be this age compared to a 19 year old who started school at 4 and just did 5 years in secondary school. Secondly I have to say that the way older students are treated by their class mates depends completely on the person in question, some mature students prefer not to get very involved in the stereotypical student life of late night partying etc., but in my experience these tend to be the much older ones (40s to 50s) who have families at home ..... however most of these students still have a great relationship with their classmates because they make the effort to chat and have fun with them during normal college time when lectures are on. I've also encountered mature students who are completely integrated into their peers and tbh its almost impossible to tell that they are slightly older than their friends at college.

To sum up, I think the only thing that will set you apart or make you an outsider in this new college class will be if you set yourself apart. So when you join the class get stuck in, go to the class parties, chat with the lads, tell them you're hoping to do the J1 thing etc etc. Whatever you do don't look down on them in a condescending "I'm older than you and therefore know a lot more than you" sort of way. You seem like a nice guy and I'm sure people in the class will like you for who you are. I must stress again though that 2 years is an insignificant difference.

Yeah you're right man, I guess the only person who could make an issue of it is me. Its just odd for me to be going into a class where everyones the same age as my "kid" cousin! And are possibly friends with him! But I won't make an issue of it, I've friends younger than me and plenty older than me too, and the age gap is only an issue when you make it one. Will be fully active when I do switch course anyway, I'm an extremely good people person and seem to naturally click with a lot of people so won't let the age thing bother me, though as you said its rather insignificant, and just enjoy the rest of the college years I suppose. Now I just have to figure out what exactly I want to do next year...that could be a "personal issue" all on its own tbh!

Thanks lads for all the advice I've received so far, and for reading through my semi-rant.'

LegacyUser

'Just realised I haven't taken any AD's in almost a week, never got around to getting the prescription filled when I ran out. Was fine until last night but reckon you're right, just do as the GP says as I really don't want to end up back where I started.'

dame

Sounds like you've learnt a very good lesson OP. A relationship based on compatibility of personalities is far more likely to be fulfilling and long-lasting than one based solely on looks. :eek: When she's 50 you won't be able to tell who was once the stunner but you sure will be able to tell which one bugs the hell out of you and which one you enjoy talking to and being with!

Best of luck with the college course choosing!

limklad

You got stung badly. You not the first and wont be the last.
Just because you got badly treated does not mean you have the right to treat other badly. You can not use your past events as an excuse to treat other badly. How would be
We have all seen it before. Good women going out with bad men and marring them and bad women going out with good men marrying and destroying them.
It's official there are good women out there, find them and be happy.

By the way a few years ago, I met my young cousin in a nightclub with her friends. I felt old because I can remember her mother showing me how to change her nappies. :eek:
One year younger is not a big deal!!

LegacyUser

'

dame wrote:

Sounds like you've learnt a very good lesson OP.

Lol, I suppose I have alright.

dame wrote:

When she's 50 you won't be able to tell who was once the stunner but you sure will be able to tell which one bugs the hell out of you and which one you enjoy talking to and being with!

Very true!

dame wrote:

Best of luck with the college course choosing!

Thanks man.

limklad wrote:

You got stung badly.

Yeah, I guess that sums it up pretty well...

limklad wrote:

Just because you got badly treated does not mean you have the right to treat other badly. You can not use your past events as an excuse to treat other badly.

I know, and generally I never would, just don't know what got into me I suppose.

limklad wrote:

It's official there are good women out there, find them and be happy.

Will try

limklad wrote:

By the way a few years ago, I met my young cousin in a nightclub with her friends. I felt old because I can remember her mother showing me how to change her nappies.
One year younger is not a big deal!!

Yeah I guess its not, have my mind pretty much made up about the course and all now so I've kind of put my worries to rest over the whole thing.

Thanks lads.'

Marksie

Hi,

Thanks for the feedback and making a start.

I am not going to get moralistic at all, but while you are on antidepressants and trying to overcome your issues, drugs... including alcohol and cannabis which affect mood and the mind are a big no-no. In your situation these are not going to help, so try and cut them all out until you are on the right path.

On the relationship situation: At this point in time, the number one thing to deal with is yourself. Leave recriminations about being used etc. all to one side. Don't look to emoationally complicate your life right now, let the antidepressants do their stuff without throwing obstacles in their way.

In other words, forget what has happened, concentrate on number one, and get yourself on an even keel before complicating your life with other issues. Leave that til you are emotionally strong enough to handle it