Partner's family

LegacyUser

How important do people think getting along with or liking their partner's family is, if the relationship is on the road to marriage?

Dislike is too strong a word but I'm not exactly fond of her parents or siblings. I'm never comfortable in her home environment. I don't think the details are that necessary here, I've known them for a while and my feelings are not going to change anytime soon.

I've known people who have ended relationships because of this, what are your thoughts please.

CathyMoran

It's not easy on you or your girlfriend, but I would not give up on the relationship. Could you try to at least see if you can get on with some members of the family?

hunnymonster

To a large extent it depends on how close she is to her family.Are they going to be calling arond all the time or will it be more of a birthdays and christmas affair. Most of us could handle inlaws occassionally but wouldn't want to live with them.

summerwine

I agree with honeymonster,

I went out with a girl for two years and the proverbial umbilical cord had not been severed, it turned that I was 3rd or 4th in her list of closest. Things like that just don't work out. If however he or she is devoted to you, then it can often be worked out! I found giving the other half space to go and visit family without me and on special occasions I would turn up. Its a perfectly healthy thing to give your other half there own time! Sometimes it takes a bit of diplomacy too!

Good luck with it!

limklad

280107 wrote:

How important do people think getting along with or liking their partner's family is, if the relationship is on the road to marriage?

Dislike is too strong a word but I'm not exactly fond of her parents or siblings. I'm never comfortable in her home environment. I don't think the details are that necessary here, I've known them for a while and my feelings are not going to change anytime soon.

I've known people who have ended relationships because of this, what are your thoughts please.

Are they the Adams family? I sure they are trying to kill you in way of form or are they one of those psycho families who sleep in the trees and pee down on everyone who passes by. Sound ridiculous, so is your behavior. You are not the first and not the last.
What the problem with them? If you want to marry your girlfriend then you have to learn to be civil with them for you girlfriend sake. Or else it is just selfish on your part by ignoring her needs. What is bugging you with them? Why do you let them get to you? What can you not get on with them?
You need to ask yourself why it is bugging you and not your girlfriends or their friends.
It is amazing how tough lads cowards, in the presence of their girlfriend family.
You know what girlfriend’s families often put the boyfriends to the test in one way or the other. A friend of mine (a tough guy) would be able to deal with vicious dogs but when his girlfriend ask to meet her family, he cringed. I slagged him about it, in front of the other guys. Claiming that her family was psychos and all the things they did (I exaggerated the stories big time) to other boyfriends calling to the house and then turn him towards the mirror and showed him how ridiculous he looked. I told him the truth and to talk to his girlfriend about it. He tough they were nuts too. But once he got a look at other families who were far worst, he clam down. He now gets great with them.
If you are insecure them they will find it and use it against you. Remember it you that need to make an impression on them. I can see already the impression you probably gave them already. Ie jerk, pussy dipsh*t , etc. I tell you straight. If you do anything to destroy her relationship with her family then expect you’re relationship destroyed, because you will have disrespect your girlfriend and showed how much a jerk you are. I am not expecting you to love them!!
You have my thoughts

Alter-Ego

limklad wrote:

Are they the Adams family? I sure they are trying to kill you in way of form or are they one of those psycho families who sleep in the trees and pee down on everyone who passes by. Sound ridiculous, so is your behavior. You are not the first and not the last.
What the problem with them? If you want to marry your girlfriend then you have to learn to be civil with them for you girlfriend sake. Or else it is just selfish on your part by ignoring her needs. What is bugging you with them? Why do you let them get to you? What can you not get on with them?
You need to ask yourself why it is bugging you and not your girlfriends or their friends.
It is amazing how tough lads cowards, in the presence of their girlfriend family.
You know what girlfriend’s families often put the boyfriends to the test in one way or the other. A friend of mine (a tough guy) would be able to deal with vicious dogs but when his girlfriend ask to meet her family, he cringed. I slagged him about it, in front of the other guys. Claiming that her family was psychos and all the things they did (I exaggerated the stories big time) to other boyfriends calling to the house and then turn him towards the mirror and showed him how ridiculous he looked. I told him the truth and to talk to his girlfriend about it. He tough they were nuts too. But once he got a look at other families who were far worst, he clam down. He now gets great with them.
If you are insecure them they will find it and use it against you. Remember it you that need to make an impression on them. I can see already the impression you probably gave them already. Ie jerk, pussy dipsh*t , etc. I tell you straight. If you do anything to destroy her relationship with her family then expect you’re relationship destroyed, because you will have disrespect your girlfriend and showed how much a jerk you are. I am not expecting you to love them!!
You have my thoughts

Ever hear of paragraphs? Not liking the family doesn't make you a "pussy dipsh*t", as you put it.

The inlaws aren't a big part of a relationship but sometimes you have to make a sacrafice and deal with them for a few hours a week/month/year/century, depending on your partners relationship with their family.

Personally i'm not a fan of partners families but sometimes you have to put up with dinners and all that crap.

dame

If it's a case of them constantly interfering in your relationship then you should maybe discuss it with your grilfriend. You're a pair of adults, considering marriage, and if that's the case then her husband should come first with her, not her parents and siblings.

Don't fall out with them on any account. That'll just make things awkward all round and your girlfriend might decide you're the one in the wrong since her whole family couldn't possibly be so wrong about someone! Just be polite, do what you have to do to be sociable then go home and get on with your own life.

Do not say bad things to your girlfriend about her family if you can help it. Try to say something constructive about how you'd like her to support you rather than "your Ma hates me".

limklad

Alter-Ego wrote:

Ever hear of paragraphs? Not liking the family doesn't make you a "pussy dipsh*t", as you put it.

Reread what I wrote if you going to quote me so it right.

Beruthiel

280107 wrote:

I've known people who have ended relationships because of this, what are your thoughts please.

I'm of the opinion that I picked my b/f, not his family. When they visit, I'm polite and go through the motions.
It will never be more than that though as we have absolutely no common ground whatsoever. Nobodies fault, you can't get on with everyone.

limklad

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm of the opinion that I picked my b/f, not his family. When they visit, I'm polite and go through the motions.
It will never be more than that though as we have absolutely no common ground whatsoever. Nobodies fault, you can't get on with everyone.

You do not need common ground to get on with some one. It is you choice to get on with someone. If you want common ground, Here some that you have not thought of.
You live on the same planet,
You breath the same bad polluted air.
You work or play.
You both (you and your boyfriends family) have emotions, even though it does seems like it.
You are all humans and alive.
You know the same person (your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner)

I though the same way you did, until i started opening my eyes and looked. If you want them to have common ground, if that case would you like them, to be like you, dress like you, think like you, behave like you. If we were all the same, then imagine your friends, family, strangers are all look and behave like you, It may be fun and laughable at first, then eventually life would become very boring..
The basic fact is: You do not want common ground, because you deny yourself common ground.
Get the picture. Do you see life in a different picture now?

Just to add, Why make life difficult for you and more importantly the one you love your partner?

r3nu4l

OP, does your gf put you second to her family? Does she understand that you don't feel comfortable around her family? Is it an issue between you both (is it causing rows between you?).

Everyone has faults, I'm sure you have your own and perhaps they are thinking that you are the problem. Whatever the issue, if your gf is not putting you second to her family then you should be okay. Getting on well with the in-laws is great and makes things easy but it's not the be-all and end-all of a relationship.

Sleepy

There's a good chinese proverb on this (paraphrased):

The demons gave you your family, fortunately the gods let you choose your friends.

As long as your her first priority and you can be civil to her family every now and then I can't see why this would be an issue.

free2fly

I agree taht it's ok to let her go to her family when she wants and that you don't always have to accompany her. I had to do that in a relationship and it worked. I went to birthday partied, Christmas celebrations and such. But most of the times he went alone.

Deadevil129

I wouldn't say it's nessicary to get on with them. To marry someone you don't have to be able to go shopping with they're sister, have nightly phone conversations with the mother and go to the pub every weekend with their brother. Personally I like my boyfriends family, which works out fine, but my family is a completely different story, my boyfriend feels uncomfortable around them and finds most of them bossy and irritable. I guess I'm lucky he's a fairly tactful guy, he can usually bear them for small amounts of time.

If you can't bear her in laws for the small amount of time you'll have to be around them then no I suppose it's not possible to marry someone. My boyfriend knows the greif I go through with my family and for my sake puts up with them, it's not perfect but things rarely are. If they're an unbearable bunch than think of your girlfriend, she has to put up with them an awful lot more than you do.

Actually on another note, my Dad was always very close to his family except his mother. My mother hated every single member of his family, except his mother =P And by hate I mean she couldn't be down in they're house for five minutes without starting a fight. They're still happily married after 33 years so it can't be all bad.

KdjaCL

I hate her brother her 2 sisters her ma and da and pretty much all the extended family, they hate me so we get along fine by not getting along or talking unless its trivial or i answer the phone and say "yeah i get her" that would be the longest conversation i have had with any of her family in 11 years. She hates mine and they hate her.

Wouldnt worry about it.


kdjac