Hard time

LegacyUser

hey all, I feel like ranting but i just dont have the energy to do it right now...my girlfriend is in my opinion being very insensitive towards me and ive tried telling her but she hasnt got any better at supporting me, Im not saying she HAS to but Id really really appreciate it right now.I love her more than words but read on.......

My mother passed away last year and my dad is in a bad way in hospital with a similar condition at the moment-Ive just found out and im shocked about it to say the least...finding it hard going right now and i know if my girlfriend supported me the way i think she should and checked up to see how I was the pain wouldnt be anywhere near as bad...she just appears to be ignoring me at the moment even though ive tried calling her etc-shes probably busy but I dont think its an excuse to be honest...she has said a couple of things about it to me that were consoling and even just hearing her say them words felt so comforting. I think she just hates having to talk about it with me and would rather try to avoid it and so avoid me at the moment/talking to her mates is obviously gonna be far more fun right now which is what I think shes doing.

Im feeling very sick in the stomach because of this and she was meant to spend time with me tonight also ..Im a very strong person and usually take things as theyre thrown at me but instead now im home alone feeling very much broken-i wish she'd just pick up the phone

Carrigart Exile

leinster12345 wrote:

hey all, I feel like ranting but i just dont have the energy to do it right now...my girlfriend is in my opinion being very insensitive towards me and ive tried telling her but she hasnt got any better at supporting me, Im not saying she HAS to but Id really really appreciate it right now.I love her more than words but read on.......

My mother passed away last year and my dad is in a bad way in hospital with a similar condition at the moment-Ive just found out and im shocked about it to say the least...finding it hard going right now and i know if my girlfriend supported me the way i think she should and checked up to see how I was the pain wouldnt be anywhere near as bad...she just appears to be ignoring me at the moment even though ive tried calling her etc-shes probably busy but I dont think its an excuse to be honest...she has said a couple of things about it to me that were consoling and even just hearing her say them words felt so comforting. I think she just hates having to talk about it with me and would rather try to avoid it and so avoid me at the moment/talking to her mates is obviously gonna be far more fun right now which is what I think shes doing.

Im feeling very sick in the stomach because of this and she was meant to spend time with me tonight also ..Im a very strong person and usually take things as theyre thrown at me but instead now im home alone feeling very much broken-i wish she'd just pick up the phone

You do not say how old you both are or how long you've been together

LegacyUser

some people just feel they dont know what to say in these situations. Personally, Im not great at comforting people at all, maybe she feels the same, or maybe she thinks giving you space is what you need. Obviously its not what you need, so I think you should tell her that otherwise she wont know.

LegacyUser

im sorry we are both 25 and together for the past 6/7 months

LegacyUser

Im afraid, she does know that its killing me being alone with this, i think she has somehow convinced herself that shes not obliged to be supporting me-its obviously not anyones cup of tea helping someone through whats happening with me but I would have thought it extremely important to do this for someone you care so much about?

I dont want to put any pressure on her but I have already explained to her that I need her to be there for me and she has assured me she is/will be-unfortunatly she hasnt been following through on this promise in the slightest and its making my bad situation so much worse.

neuro-praxis

Ok. If we were to examine this solely from your point of view, it appears as though your girlfriend is selfish, uncaring and immature, and if I were you I would put an end to the relationship immediately, no matter how lonely that might make you feel.

However, you are not in your complete right mind at the moment because you are under so much stress. So perhaps you are expecting her to be with you every moment holding your hand - which is not what providing support necessarily is.

Are you ringing her every five minutes, are you texting constantly, are you stressing her out?

spinandscribble

im sorry to hear your girlfriend isnt being suppostive. i think you should stop feeling bad for needing her help. whats the point in loving someone and not trying to make things better for them?
you're gfs selfish. please stop fooling yourself and making excuses for her. you need to tell her she isnt treating you with love. maybe something happened tonight?

bug

Can't you pick up the phone to her?
I understand you're situation and its awful, but after six months of a relationship when its in the relatively new stage I don't think in my opinion you can put this on her.
Is there no other extended family that you can talk to in addition to your girlfriend? She probably does know what you are going through but perhaps feels helpless to help you.

Carrigart Exile

leinster12345 wrote:

im sorry we are both 25 and together for the past 6/7 months

Sorry mate the reason I asked if you were both in your teens and only recently got together then its completely understandible. You never get over the death of your parents but over time the ache goes away and is replaced with memories of good times. Try not to wallow in the ache (no insult intended mate) but constant grief can become somewhere to hide.

BeardyGit

What I'm about to write probably won't help you much, if you're going to just read it and react without thinking. But along with your legitimate concern about your Dad, try to find a bit of perspective on the situation your girlfriend finds herself in.

You've been with your girlfriend for 6/7 months. That's not a very long time. Sure, it's enough time to start getting to know each other, to fall in love, and so on of course. But it's also short enough for her to expect to still be having a good time and not be immersed in whatever troubles life throws in your way. You're going out with each other - You're a long way from the 'for better, for worse' vows.

Your girlfriend has every right to distance herself from this situation, and you really should respect that. Your grief/problem shouldn't automatically become hers, but the way you describe things, that's exactly the way you'd like it to be, and that's not fair for either of you.

You also need to remember that last year you faced into a terrible situation and you've come out okay. This year is no different assuming the prognosis is the same for your father. You've done this before - You can do it again if you need to. And you don't need your girlfriend to do it. You understand?

Likewise, your relationship with your girlfriend doesn't need your grief and worries to create a bond between you - It could be more destructive than anything else, and that would be entirely your fault if that proved to be the case.

Don't let your own problems now taint your approach to your relationship with your girlfriend. Seperate the two and you can maintain a balance and a certain perspective that will help you deal with both in the best way possible.

Hope that makes some sense.

Best of luck,

Gil

spinandscribble

gil dub. omg....
it seems from the ops post they are in love so she's entitled to be having a good time and not be getting knock on stress from his life? whats the point in having a bf or gf when basically they are distant friends you ****? the whole point of them is there is a deeper bound. so you think they can happily mull along after this crisis without feelings that she doesnt care about him

maybe im old fashioned but love is about the other persons happiness being important to your happiness overall. he's not happy. she is doing nothing about the situation except saying she'll meet him and not bothering to ring/text to cancel before she doesnt show up.

its a question of how important you are to your gf. 6 months is long enough to feel close enough to be there for someone.

limklad

Gil_Dub wrote:

What I'm about to write probably won't help you much, if you're going to just read it and react without thinking. But along with your legitimate concern about your Dad, try to find a bit of perspective on the situation your girlfriend finds herself in.

You've been with your girlfriend for 6/7 months. That's not a very long time. Sure, it's enough time to start getting to know each other, to fall in love, and so on of course. But it's also short enough for her to expect to still be having a good time and not be immersed in whatever troubles life throws in your way. You're going out with each other - You're a long way from the 'for better, for worse' vows.

Your girlfriend has every right to distance herself from this situation, and you really should respect that. Your grief/problem shouldn't automatically become hers, but the way you describe things, that's exactly the way you'd like it to be, and that's not fair for either of you.

You also need to remember that last year you faced into a terrible situation and you've come out okay. This year is no different assuming the prognosis is the same for your father. You've done this before - You can do it again if you need to. And you don't need your girlfriend to do it. You understand?

Likewise, your relationship with your girlfriend doesn't need your grief and worries to create a bond between you - It could be more destructive than anything else, and that would be entirely your fault if that proved to be the case.

Don't let your own problems now taint your approach to your relationship with your girlfriend. Seperate the two and you can maintain a balance and a certain perspective that will help you deal with both in the best way possible.

Hope that makes some sense.

Best of luck,

Gil

I agree to alot of what you said, but here is another angle
She might not know how to react with her boyfriend situation. She may be emotional immature about it. She may never experience nor understand such a loss like her boyfriend is suffering from. She is making mistakes and so is leinster12345 for expecting her to take on so much. It is about understanding in this situation for both sides.
Love for each other must be unconditional or else is selfish on one or both sides. Th down side is, selfish love will always lead to problems.

neuro-praxis

limklad wrote:

It is about understanding in this situation for both sides. Love for each other must be unconditional or else is selfish on one or both sides. Th down side is, selfish love will always lead to problems.

I am sorry, this is nonsense. True love is most certainly conditional. Unconditional love does not exist. I would most certainly stop loving my husband if he were to sleep around, or bash my head in. These are the conditions of our relationship.

It is not selfish for there to be conditions to my love for someone - this is healthy and boundary-driven. There are certain types of treatment that I will not tolerate, and nobody should have to tolerate them. If we've got the full story here, the OP is being treated very badly by his partner, and he shouldn't just offer her his unconditional love no matter how she might stomp on his heart. Likewise, if he is out of order in his demands on her, she shouldn't simply comply. Of course, true love involves sacrifice, but even sacrifices are conditional.

You are giving a lot of advice around these boards at the moment limklad; perhaps you should think harder before you type!

BeardyGit

So let me get this straight Spinandscribble,

You think that because he loves her, she should come and be his shoulder to cry on for however long his fathers situation lasts? That she should be at the end of a phone whenever he calls or texts? Come off it. The OP says nothing about having her cancel plans. He simply appears to expect she'll want to be there on his arm in case he needs her sleeve to dry his eyes. And both you and he are disgruntled that she doesn't want any of it!

Being there for someone when they actually need your help is one thing. But right now, what can the GF do for the OP? From what the OP writes, this could go on for a while. So in the meantime she's supposed to join him in his grief? She's supposed to offer the support he believes he's rightfully entitled to, just because he can put a 'my girlfriend' label on her? Pardon me for being so blunt, but why the hell should she accept that? How can you possibly see that as being a healthy situation for what one could easily call a fledgling relationship, at a mere 6/7 months.

You see, in my "Old Fashioned Codger" rule book it says that people are free to react to death or the prospect of same in whatever way they want and that it's none of my business to say otherwise. It says that I'll respect my girlfriends comfort levels in everything we do, be it conversation or action.

My rule book tells me that if I can deal with a negative situation on my own, I'll spare the people I love the stress of worrying about me, as I'm man enough to deal with it on my own when I can, and man enough to ask for help when I really need it. I won't try to drag someone down in the dumps with me, just because they're my significant other. It says I won't pull them into a situation where there's absolutely nothing they can contribute to the situation. It says I won't make them witness my sorrow on an ongoing basis, when I know they're powerless to do anything about it.

Spinandscribble, maybe I've got it all wrong. Perhaps I should read the same edition of "101 utterly stupid rules for how to behave when you're in love" that you have. That way I'll be just as ready to encourage the OP to take out his grief on a girlfriend who has every right to want to distance herself from his ongoing suffering.

OP, sorry to be so harsh about it - But you need to separate your relationship with your girlfriend from your difficult situation in dealing with your parents mortality. If you can't do that, you'll only end up pushing her away and you'll leave yourself feeling truly alone, bitter and disappointed, when there's absolutely no reason for it.

Gil

limklad

neuro-praxis wrote:

I am sorry, this is nonsense. True love is most certainly conditional. Unconditional love does not exist. I would most certainly stop loving my husband if he were to sleep around, or bash my head in. These are the conditions of our relationship.

I feel sorry for you for not experiencing it

dame

OP, your girlfriend may never have experienced grief in the same way you have. Both her parents may still be alive and the prospect of death may scare her totally. She probably doesn't have a clue how to deal with the situation.

It's also possible that she may think she is doing the best she can by standing aside and letting yourself and your family deal with your present troubles together. You've only been going out for 6/7 months so she probably feels completely out of place going through such an emotional time with your extended family all around.

There are plenty of bereavement counsellors around, most parishes have one. I think you'd benefit from meeting and talking to one. They are trained to deal with the situation and support you, your girlfriend is not.

neuro-praxis

limklad wrote:

I feel sorry for you for not experiencing it

Don't! It's the product of being responsible and expecting responsibility.

Kell

OP-

when you are having a hard time you become inadvertantly needy. You wont actually notice this yourself until you step outside yourself, look back and ask-

"If I wasnt so fúcked up, would her not saying or doing x actually bother me". The likely answer is no.

People only become unpleasant when you need something from them that they are not giving. They probably never gave what you are looking for in the good times and sometimes you have to explain to them what it is you are looking for.

I dont blame you for wanting cotton wool, but if you need it ask for it. *Bug quite rightly said that its a little early in the relationship to dump on your GF, but if not your GF who else? If she has the mettle for it, grand. If not, dont hate her for it.

Talk to her. Explain that you are in the crápper and need her to hold your hand but also understand what it is you want from her. Realise that this need of yours for cotton wool is making your perspective on how she is behaving towards you skew ways.

K-

*Hello Bug that I havent seen round these parts in a while. Hows life?

limklad

neuro-praxis wrote:

Don't! It's the product of being responsible and expecting responsibility.

You must have been badly burnt in the past and never let it go. You must never had someone to truly care about you, since his the way you feel and think.
Again i do feel sorry for you.

Gordon

I won't feel sorry for you if I ban you for trolling.

Black Swan

leinster12345 wrote:

im sorry we are both 25 and together for the past 6/7 months

Well, 6 to 7 months is a relatively new relationship. Takes a lot longer to get to really know one another? Perhaps she is uncertain of how to best respond to your needs for support?

spinandscribble

Gil_Dub wrote:

So let me get this straight Spinandscribble,

You think that because he loves her, she should come and be his shoulder to cry on for however long his fathers situation lasts? That she should be at the end of a phone whenever he calls or texts? Come off it. The OP says nothing about having her cancel plans.

You see, in my "Old Fashioned Codger" rule book it says that people are free to react to death or the prospect of same in whatever way they want and that it's none of my business to say otherwise. It says that I'll respect my girlfriends comfort levels in everything we do, be it conversation or action.

My rule book tells me that if I can deal with a negative situation on my own, I'll spare the people I love the stress of worrying about me, as I'm man enough to deal with it on my own when I can, and man enough to ask for help when I really need it. I won't try to drag someone down in the dumps with me, just because they're my significant other. It says I won't pull them into a situation where there's absolutely nothing they can contribute to the situation. It says I won't make them witness my sorrow on an ongoing basis, when I know they're powerless to do anything about it.

Spinandscribble, maybe I've got it all wrong. Perhaps I should read the same edition of "101 utterly stupid rules for how to behave when you're in love" that you have. That way I'll be just as ready to encourage the OP to take out his grief on a girlfriend who has every right to want to distance herself from his ongoing suffering.

Gil

well gil i feel truely sorry for you. im not being sarcastic. if you think your loved ones have better things to do they at least be there when you feel down and try to make you feel better. its not manly hiding things. you can let ppl know you have a problem without losing dignity, your only human.

stupid rules? excuse me, i never called your views stupid please do not take out your fustration out on me. my "omg gil" was at shock of how little you expect from ppl which could only result from what your seen in life. these "stupid rules" arnt rules, they just seem the way things fflow from loved ones when they have no mental illness, addiction, issues with the problem at hand.

the op has no right to demand she be at his beck and call, that is true. know can he moan til her bears bleed but excuse me theres a grave difference going through the death of one parent then the potential finally end of his family. he has a right to need support and i in no way see this as a way of losing his manhood.

maybe she does have problems dealing with death. i wouldnt force her either, you cant make someone be supportive when you need it. the op needs to be told by herself shes got issues being there for him, not a couple of boarders making snide remarks along the lines of "be a man, stop leaning on ppl"

i assumed from the ops post she loves him as well as he said nothing along the lines of ''i love hewr but she doesnt love me", maybe she doesnt in which case yes shes entitled to make herself happy and leave him in misery. not very nice but whatever. maybe that is the case and by now she just wants out which if it is the case he's better off without her then focusing his energies on getting her to support him when he could turn to other family/friends.

spinandscribble

i would also like to say it is hard to give the op advice in the matter as we are only hearding one side.
maybe their relationship has been causal and isnt fully developed.
maybe before this crisis the op treated the gf badly and shes trapping with him now.
maybe she finds supporting ppl isnt her thing. not everyone is strong enough.
we do not know.
personally in matters like this i always wonder why ppl dont just go to speak to the person they have the problems with. we cant know whats really going on.

BeardyGit

There's an awful lot of people on boards who are ready and willing to say they're feeling sorry for each other lately. Don't feel sorry for me S&S, because I won't feel sorry for you, nor will I feel sorry for the OP, or anyone else here. Saying you feel sorry is no better than saying you pity someone - And I've too much respect for people, even those I don't know, to pity them.

I haven't made snide remarks. I'm not disappointed with my life or by people in general, and I'm not taking out my frustration on you - I'm taking issue with what I see to be a rather naive and narrow minded approach to the OP's situation on your part. Don't bother with your weak attempt to turn my criticism of your input into something you can use to suggest I have somefundamental flaw that makes me an emotional or 'life experience ' cripple, or that it's something for you or anyone else to feel sorry about.

I don't feel sorry for you. I don't feel sorry for the OP. It's a difficult time for him I'm sure - I wouldn't attempt to detract from the emotional pain he understandably faces at this time. But I sure as hell won't support or encourage an attempt by him, or anyone else, to witch-hunt his girlfriend just because she won't join him in his sorrow. You see it differently - Fine. But don't expect me to agree with you. I see you as little more than an instigator of further trouble in the OP's relationship and that's something he doesn't need. I have to question why you're trying to steer the OP in the direction of doubting a girlfriend that you actually know nothing about.

OP - Come back with your take on this, because I'm not interested in continueing to labour this with S&S. You're getting at least a somewhat balanced input from us I guess, but I'd be curious to know if any of this is striking a chord with you, either way.

Cheers,

Gil

sweet-rasmus

i would agree that she may not know how to handle the situation and may be nervous of making you more upset. i know you have tried to help her understand how you feel, but perhaps she is still worried about making you upset. perhaps she herself is finding it difficult (if she has never faced a similar situation before), though i do understand it must be hard for you. at least you have her (though not as supportive as you hope), but she is there for you.

Kell

Gil_Dub wrote:

I'm not disappointed with my life or by people in general, and I'm not taking out my frustration on you - I'm taking issue with what I see to be a rather naive and narrow minded approach to the OP's situation on your part.

Gil- I usually pick up quite succintly on peoples insecurities and frustrations and subsequently tear them a new áss for it. I didnt pick up on any that you may have put out so I join you in chastising S&S in his entire misreading of your thoughts.

Gil_Dub wrote:

My rule book tells me that if I can deal with a negative situation on my own, I'll spare the people I love the stress of worrying about me, as I'm man enough to deal with it on my own when I can, and man enough to ask for help when I really need it.

:rolleyes:

spinandscribble wrote:

if you think your loved ones have better things to do they at least be there when you feel down and try to make you feel better. its not manly hiding things. you can let ppl know you have a problem without losing dignity, your only human.

S&S, what on earth are you feeling sorry for someone who has the strength to address something on their own while also having the respect for peers and loved ones not to emotionally vomit all over them for?

When you have gone through the absolute crápper in your life and you emerge from the far side, you begin to understand you can do everything on your own without needing someone to dump all over. You learn to appraise yourself, the basis of your needs and your behaviour and look for weakspots that contribute to how you feel. This is called being balanced. Looking for a shoulder to cry on because you are in the crápper is not balanced. Looking for it after you have gone-

Am I being needy- no
What do I want- a boost for my confidence and self esteem
Am I loading someone with crap- no I just need a second opinion

thats balanced. Thats ADULT. This, I think, is what Gil_Dub has being trying to hammer home to you.

K-

kaalgat

CMB2 wrote:

some people just feel they dont know what to say in these situations. Personally, Im not great at comforting people at all, maybe she feels the same, or maybe she thinks giving you space is what you need. Obviously its not what you need, so I think you should tell her that otherwise she wont know.

I agree with you there. I'm not good myself at that kind of thing, get really uncomfortable.
Were it me, I would also assume that maybe you want some time to yourself.

Just tell her

bug

Regardless about peoples ideas on what the meaning of love is...the conditional or unconditional debate...

You can't expect anyone, sister, husband, significant other, to support you 100% percent though a difficult time.

Why?

Because they can't feel what you are feeling, they can't resolve your head.
They aren't you.
That is only something that you can do.

It's nice to get support but that is all it should be, support.