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realationship advice

  • 29-01-2007 3:46pm
    #1
    Robbie Fowler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭


    Im going out with my girlfriend nearly 3 years,we have a house together and now she is talking about getting engaged.
    My problem is I have never been happy in the realtionship and i don't think i love her as much as she loves me,I do love her in a way but im just not attracted to her anymore
    She is very sweet and sensitive and i know it would hurt her more than anything if i break up with her
    With the house as well it makes things very compilcated,and all i can think about is how will she cope if i finish it and what will she do as regards wher she will live and future plans.I'd love the easy way out and just leave her and let that be it but i care about her too much too hurt her
    Basically i love her but im not in love with her..Does that make sense and is it enough to stay with her?
    This hasn't just arose because of her talking about getting married I have always had this niggling feeling she wasn't the one
    Yes i know you might ask why then go and buy a house with her etc etc and the simple answer is i don't know,maybe i hoped thigs would work out
    Any advice on what i should do?


Comments

  • #2
    neuro-praxis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,184 ✭✭✭neuro-praxis


    If you break up with her, yes, it will break her heart, but she will get over it eventually.

    You are doing neither of you any favours by staying in an unhappy relationship. Can you imagine how shocked and betrayed she would feel simply by reading this post?

    The most loving thing for her is to quit pretending.

    Perhaps you could break up with her, move out, and then allow her as much time as she needs to get herself onto her feet before you sell the house. You made a big, big mistake buying property with a woman you're not sure about.

    As the old saying goes, it is better to be single and wish you were married than to be married and wish you were single. Get out NOW. You are wasting her life, as well as your own.


  • #3
    dame
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    If you've always had the niggly feeling then you know by now that the relationship isn't right. No, it isn't enough to stay with her and hope it will work out. I'd say it never will get better (you've had three years of hoping it will) and the longer you drag it out the harder the break-up will get.

    On the parcticalities; Could one of you buy the other's share of the house? Or sell it and split the profit if there is any by now?

    You know yourself that you should end this relationship but just haven't had the will to do it yet so you've coasted along for three years, stringing her along. That's not fair. It would be unfair also to continue as you are and be half-hearted with her. Set her free to find someone who will love her the way she loves him. Of course there will be pain but there would be worse pain if you were to jilt her as a bride-to-be, as a new wife, or as the mother of your kids.


  • #4
    Ruu_Old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 36,634 ✭✭✭✭Ruu_Old


    Be honest with her and end it. It will probably come to a big shock to her, unless ye have been arguing or not getting along lately.


  • #5
    Robbie Fowler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭Robbie Fowler


    it will come as a massive shock to her as there has been no fighting or anything like that
    Im really trying hard not too be a bastard about this and i know i probaly sound like one but i just don't love her in that way anymore and it hurts me that i don't as i know finding someone as good hearted and as caring as her will be impossible
    She has helped me through some tough times lately and i don't think i would have got through them without her,now it's killing me that i might throw it all back in her face


  • #6
    neuro-praxis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,184 ✭✭✭neuro-praxis


    Yes, yes, but it is better to suffer the guilt and the loneliness NOW than way down the line. You don't love her as you ought to and it needs to come to an end. So do it.


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  • #7
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    With the house as well it makes things very compilcated,and all i can think about is how will she cope if i finish it and what will she do as regards wher she will live and future plans.

    Not as complicated as it will be if you stay with her and then end up fighting over custody of 2 or 3 kids. Owning a house together is not reason enough to stay together.

    Are you sure it hasn't just gone off the boil and you need to make more of an effort?


  • #8
    free2fly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 565 ✭✭✭free2fly


    Sorry OP but you're being as unfair to yourself as you are to her. If you're not "in love" with her anymore then get out of the relationship and allow both you and her to be happy. Don't stay in the relationship just because of gratitude. Yes she'll be hurt. But in the long run she'll realise it was the right thing to do.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    i don't think i love her as much as she loves me

    I've seen that with people so often... where they stop being attracted to the other person, when they think that person likes them more. It's not balanced. It looks like there's no chase any more... no challenge. I think it's always important to keep that factor alive...


  • #10
    Robbie Fowler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29 ✭Robbie Fowler


    Miss Fluff wrote:
    Are you sure it hasn't just gone off the boil and you need to make more of an effort?

    You might be right miss fluff..I just feel trapped as well,Id love to head off back to Australia or America and work out there.Im 28 now she is 29 and i just feel my whole life is mapped out already and im not sure if i like what i see
    Someone asked earlier do you fight much?The answer is no but too be honest our sex life is basically non exsistent and really we are too young to be saying that.Maybe she has gone off me too? I know we have both let ourselves go a small bit maybe this could be the reason
    As ye can see im very confused and messed up over this


  • #11
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    You might be right miss fluff..I just feel trapped as well,Id love to head off back to Australia or America and work out there.Im 28 now she is 29 and i just feel my whole life is mapped out already and im not sure if i like what i see
    Someone asked earlier do you fight much?The answer is no but too be honest our sex life is basically non exsistent and really we are too young to be saying that.Maybe she has gone off me too? I know we have both let ourselves go a small bit maybe this could be the reason
    As ye can see im very confused and messed up over this

    I think a lack of sex is often symptomatic of how the relationship is as a whole and a non-existent sex life in your late 20s is NOT good. Of course with familiarity etc you're not going to be at is five times a day like you once were but you should still be enjoying regular sex. Sounds like you've fallen into a pretty static pattern.

    Surely she must know there is something wrong too? Who instigates in when you do have sex or do you just not bother?

    Time for giving your situation some serious consideration.

    Has the house rental potential? Why don't you go and travel and get what you need to out of your system? Oh, and I'm not suggesting "taking a break" either. Never works.


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  • #12
    Blub2k4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭Blub2k4


    You need to make more of an effort, you've gotten comfortable, if everyone that goes through that in a relationship jacked it in then there'd be very few people married in the world.


  • #13
    Pansy Potter
    Closed Accounts Posts: 233 ✭✭Pansy Potter


    Have you always felt like this about her?
    Were you ever really madly in love with her, or anyone else?
    Sometimes companionship and a comfort zone can be more important than mad passionate love.
    Maybe you're just suffering from a winter thing like SAD.
    Maybe you're frightened of getting older, and that your days of being a bit of a dashing blade are over, and that now its time for the pipe and slippers.
    Of course you could have a little affair to bring some spice and danger back into your life. It might even make you appreciate the good things you have and stop you from throwing them away.


  • #14
    letterman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭letterman


    seems to me that if she has just helped you through some tough times then you owe it to her to lay your cards on the table. Maybe it wont be such a shock. After the tough times she may now be seeing you in a different light as well.


  • #15
    Kell
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    My problem is I have never been happy in the realtionship

    Yet you have stayed in it for a number of years? <Me shakes head>
    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    I do love her in a way

    Your behaviour towards her indicates you do not love her. If you did you would have dumped her years ago for everyones sake.
    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    With the house as well it makes things very compilcated

    Not it doesnt. You are making things up to suit you. Make up your mind "this isnt complicated".
    Robbie Fowler wrote:
    Any advice on what i should do?

    Stop arsing around. You are unhappy yet you hold someone elses happiness in your hand and right now you are píssing all over the respect they have for you by not doing the decent thing by them. There is NO comeback to "sorry hon, the sparks gone and I guess its time to ramble on". She'll cry, she'll shout, she'll be great one minute and shít the next, but its nothing you havent seen before.

    Saying you are staying in a relationship for someone elses benefit is the biggest load of donkey shíte around. You are living a lie to her and you are putting her happiness (which is based on a lie BTW) first. Bollixology.

    I had an ex do that once- not quite the same circumstance but a lie over the course of a number of years nonetheless. Its taken quite a few years for me to forgive her for wasting four years of my life and delaying me from meeting my perfect woman*. Do you want to see your soon to be ex have a similar thought of you?

    K-

    *non existant fictional creature. Much in common with "perfect man" that women dream of (apparantly)


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