chemistry jokes

kaalgat

Has anybody got any good ones?

Ruaidhri

Two atoms walk into a bar. The first atom turns around to the second and goes "I think i've just lost an electron". The second replies "Are you sure?", first answers "Yes, I'm positive".

Anyway, there's a good set of science jokes here : http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/3.html . They kept me amused for ages..

r3nu4l

Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

EDIT: SNAP!

hunnymonster

They're more groan than grin but just about make it into the joke category



My name is Bond - Covalent Bond.

My name is Bond, Ionic Bond;
Taken, not shared!


What did the MS say to the GC?
Breaking up is hard to do.

What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from?
Separation anxiety


A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
Bunsen burner:
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.


A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it's in the ground state.


Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".



What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking? In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.

kaalgat

Found a couple aswell

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings


A Chemical is a Substance that:
An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Classification of Chemistry
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y = mx + b to everything in the universe.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

hunnymonster

You get a bigger bang with a chemist
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it organically.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists do it with pipettes.
Chemists like to experiment.
Chemists do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it with packed columns.
Heisenberg may have slept here.
Experiment with a chemist.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Teachers do it with class
Cuddle a chemist, see the reaction

Capt'n Midnight

Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?
A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.


A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane


Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent.


What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs


A mordant thought: Old color chemists never dye, they just fade away


Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.


What substance has the formula HIJKLMNO? Water.

Diglyceride, n. What you scream when you're trying to kill a glyceride.

Scientific Method, n. The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.

Periodic table with gold missing: Au revoir


How To Tell Chemists From Non-Chemists:
1. Ask them to describe a mole.
2. Ask them to pronounce the word "unionised."
3. Chemists wash their hands before going to the bathroom.