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Jokes - I think

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  • 06-02-2007 10:07am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭


    One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

    "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

    The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

    "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

    The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

    "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

    Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

    Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

    -=-=-=-=-=-

    A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
    Waking up from the anaesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"
    The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."
    "Yeah, what?" replies the patient.
    "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private
    parts."
    "Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
    "We put them under your pillow!"

    -=-=-=-=-=-

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
    Let's go!"

    We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?

    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

    She said, "Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner."

    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
    I'll be right back."

    "Ok," I nervously replied.

    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

    And I just sat there...

    On the couch...

    Naked!

    -=-=-=-=-=-

    USA Political Bumper Stickers:

    That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

    Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

    If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

    George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

    Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

    America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

    They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

    Jail to the Chief

    No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

    Bad President! No Banana.

    We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

    Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

    Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out Too

    One Nation Under Clod

    -=-=-=-=-

    Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning,
    "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
    day?"

    Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
    wife every morning before work."

    Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
    make love to him every morning.

    "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
    little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

    Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
    I love waking up and making love to you!"

    Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
    dang sentimental an' ****...."

    But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
    so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
    next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
    broken nose, fat lip, the works.

    Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

    Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
    tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."

    "Well, what poem did you recite to her?"

    Tyrone answered:

    "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog,
    If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 17,399 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    /Applause. Some very good ones in there :D


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 6,201 ✭✭✭KamiKazi


    hahaha love the birthday one! :D:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 74 ✭✭Jack Bauer


    Made me laugh:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 515 ✭✭✭daithimac


    "Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out Too"

    that had me near wetting myself. very witty


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,801 ✭✭✭✭Kojak


    Excellent once again, Hagar :D


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