no dates me for!

AngryBadger

Silent Grape wrote:

angry badger. i do not have 'currency syndrome'. i never once said in my whole post that i wanted anything from these two one offs afterwards. i have had one night stands before, which have been absolutely lovely nights and mornings etc etc, with mutual respect on both sides.

If that's the case then why are you on here claiming the guys you slept with turned into ****?

Silent Grape wrote:

i also think you dont have a very mature outlook on women. you cannot generalise something so intimate and important.

??? If it's so intimate and important then maybe you shouldn#t have one-night stands at all since YOU obviously aren't mature enough to handle it. Also I have to laugh at you assuming you know anything about my outlook on women based on one response to your post.

Silent Grape

im perfectly able to handle one night stands. the fact that these two were not very pleasant people was unlucky. you dont know me, and you're being unfairly judgemental, and fairly mean. i mentioned it as it got me down very slightly, it doesnt have much to do with what i really want.

this thread has become something other than my intent. things i said off handedly, are seen as important, while things that are important, and being dismissed. i wont be checking back, but thankyou all for the good, and the bad, advice, i take it all on board.

Faith

Silent Grape, I know through experience that one comes on PI and posts a thread, looking for kind responses and reassurances that they're right and they're looking for something obtainable. But that's not the way it happens. People often interpret your post in an entirely different manner than you intended. Things that you posted "off handedly" may be unimportant to you (or you think so), but can often be the key statements in your post.

Many people who reply on PI can see holes in posts that the OP didn't see, or didn't think was important. You may think that we're all being thick by not understanding your posts, but maybe the replies here are correct, and you just don't want to see it. There are inconsistencies in your posts here, and they've been pointed out to you.

It's as simple as this: If you're willing to put out straight away with some guy you just met in a club, then you can expect it to be a one nighter, and no, he probably won't respect you in the morning. But here's the thing. You don't have to put out. You're not obliged to bring them home.

Silent Grape wrote:

my problem is with the men ive recently met, its sex or nothing., none of them have been interested in just having a kiss if they wernt guaranteed coming back to mine afterwards. none of them just want to take my number and have a drink the next week, all they seem to have wanted is sex.

Obviously they're not the type of guys you're looking for, then. If you bring them home, you're a fool to expect anything more than random sex from them. Try looking in other places, apart from bars and clubs. They're like meat markets, and the guys who go there are generally just after one thing.

I often meet guys in clubs and have a kiss, but I never bring them home that night. I'm not easy. When they invite me back to theirs, I smile and politely decline, explaining that I'm not that type of girl. If they're truely interested, they don't mind that I decline, and ask for my number. If they walk off, well, that's their loss imo.

Silent Grape

i never wanted more than sex from the one nighters. i said this already. i didnt bring them home from a club either. the fact i had two one night stands has nothing to do with what im looking for and cant find. with the one night stands i didnt want or expect anything from them, apart from sex. i was just surprised at how rude they were. these were not nice people, i was unlucky, it happens. i could describe what they were like but it has nothing to do with this. these incidents were before christmas. the issue of the original post was is there any men like the one i want out there or am i deluding myself.

_Kaiser_

Yes there are still nice, decent guys out there who don't just want a one night stand, but as others have said, I think the problem is you're sending mixed messages.

I was seeing a girl for most of the last year that, like you, had been messed around in the past and (justifiably) wanted to take things "really slowly". And I was ok with this, as I really like(d) the girl and we got on so well that I really saw it going somewhere given time.

However, 8/9 months later, she was still telling me she doesn't know how she felt/what she wanted, yet she wanted us to still keep talking/txting all day and night, and me basically being her boyfriend in everything but name, but without her having to give anything back (even meeting up with this girl was a hassle as she almost always had SOME reason why she couldn't, and it was always me who had to ask).

I (I think understandably) got frustrated with this and eventually had to walk away, even though I still cared about her, because I finally realised that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too, and I needed more than that.

You need to sort out what you want and only start seeing someone when you know what that is and are ready to give as much to it as they are, because otherwise you will just keep meeting guys who only want a one nighter (which is fine if that's all you want too, and are clear that there's no obligation on either side afterwards), or driving the ones who may be interested in more away.

Just my 2c anyway.. I hope it works out for you

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

i never wanted more than sex from the one nighters. i said this already. i didnt bring them home from a club either. the fact i had two one night stands has nothing to do with what im looking for and cant find. with the one night stands i didnt want or expect anything from them, apart from sex. i was just surprised at how rude they were. these were not nice people, i was unlucky, it happens. i could describe what they were like but it has nothing to do with this. these incidents were before christmas.

You could describe what they were like, after all your definition of rude could say a lot about where you are right now. Given this the one-night stands are just a side issue, IMHO, as they involve a different type of guy that you just need for sex to the one’s who you want to spend time with.

the issue of the original post was is there any men like the one i want out there or am i deluding myself.

Well, the more I read, the more I feel that the issue of the original post was an attempt by you to seek some form of validation online. As Faith has correctly suggested, when people pointed out genuine advice you didn’t like you rejected it, not because it was bad advice but because it was not the validation you sought.

It seems to me you’re presently looking for all the advantages of a relationship without the relationship bit. Essentially a guy who’ll be willing to wine and dine you, keep you company, make you feel wanted but without the complications of serious intimacy.

So the short answer is yes; you are deluding yourself. Few, male or female, want to date someone who is primarily looking for validation and is not really interested in giving anything in return. Only cuddle bitchs put up with it and probably so should be euthanased for their own good.

Silent Grape

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

_Kaiser_

Silent Grape wrote:

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

Which is fair enough and understandable, BUT will only work if you tell the guy early on, and do make an effort to judge him for what and who he is (rather than - maybe subconciously - comparing him to your ex or expecting him to let you down).

You also will have to show (and maybe tell) him every so often that you're getting there as time goes on as we're not mindreaders, and if things begin to stagnate or he starts to feel frustrated if you're no closer to being a "proper" couple after a few months, then that's when the rows will start.

The Corinthian

Silent Grape wrote:

but i wouldnt be ruling out a possible relationship. maybe when the right person comes along i can explain i want to take it slowly and why and hopefully he will understand. it would be a relationship i suppose, but one which is more casual to my usual relationships. basically, im going to be slightly guarded.

But as has been evident in this thread that you do come across as ruling out a possible relationship, that's why what you considered unimportant in your post is in reality quite pertinent. As Kaiser2000 points out, men are not telepathic, so we can only go on the signals women give us - which in your case seem to be mixed at best. Even your term casual would seem to imply going out for drinks or dinners but never progressing all that further.

How long would a man have to wait, out of interest? A week? A month? Six? A year? And would your idea of casual dating last long enough to get to that point? Because if it doesn't, you really are just using them.

Kell

Silent Grape wrote:

i just want to know that there are men who will take things slowly, are interested in getting to know the person first without big expectations.

And you dont think that your own expectation is quite big?

Why cant you accept what most clued in people have pointed out to you? You are seeking men to fill a void left in your life left by the departure of your ex. Understandable, but not healthy. After 8 weeks WHAT THE FúCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP/KISS/SHáG OR ANYTHING FOR??

Lets examine the logic- "I just had my heart smashed off the rocks of a failed relationship, yet I want to perch my heart just above the rocks again and wait till I get fúcked up". Does this sound healthy or sane? No. But it is exactly what you are doing.

Decide exactly what it is you want. You think you have done that but have you question your logic that you have an unreasonable expectation? No, because your logic is skewed and you will only find disappointment. You swing from "I dont want a relationship" to "I wont rule one out" to "I dont want just sex" to "but I want physicality". You answers are as diverse as Pat Rabbitte on coalition.

We have all pointed out that you ARE being irrational and wanting everything but giving nothing away. 8 weeks is a gee hair amount of time. Give yourself and break to get your head screwed on.

K-

littlesurfer

I really don't get this at all. I was broken up with two months ago by my boyfriend and i'm spending my time trying not to think about him.....I couldn't even think about another guy, whether its a date or a kiss or a no strings sex thing. Whatever about the psycho analysis your getting here which i have read and can see where its coming from.....do you not think your being a bit hasty in looking for a casual relationship or whatever it is your calling it.

Honestly, if i thought my ex boyfriend was out dating or kissing guys i'd be upset that i was that easy to get over......broken relationships take time to heal,.....a lot more than two months....