Is trauma of custody case ever justified? Alternatives?

manThursday

I am posting this query on both the legal discussion and parenting board as I am desperate for advice from people with knowledge and or experience of the situation I am faced with – any comments or observations on either the legal or emotional aspect would be greatly appreciated.

I separated from my son’s mother some four years ago. We had never been married but lived together for some nine years. She was alcoholic and had been becoming increasingly aggressive and violent. She actually walked out on us, by which time she had already been investigated by social services on several occasions, on each of which she promised faithfully to stop drinking and said promise usually lasted no more than a few days.

My son, (who is now 13 years old) at first lived with me, but due to my having to work, he later lived with her, something I now regret terribly. His mother “let” me see him frequently, in fact he spent far more time with me than with her, but always under the threat that she could send the police round when she wanted (or when she came round from a binge) because she was the custodian and I had no rights. His mother’s behaviour continued to worsen and I saw a lawyer to claim custody rights (I wanted full custody but the lawyer told me that there was more of a chance of success with joint custody). On realising all the hard evidence I could present, my ex partner consented by letter to give me joint custody. At the time I made it clear that if she did not stop drinking I would go for full custody, in the hope that that would stop her drinking.

A year later she appears to be drinking far less, but her behaviour is still posing a serious threat to my son’s physical and mental welfare (frequent life-threatening accidents, highly aggressive and anti-social behaviour, total disrespect for others, she has no friends and practically no contact with her family). Paradoxically, since I obtained joint custody he appears to want to spend more time with her (or at least at her home) than with me – mainly because there are zero house rules, except for the fact that person who shouts and screams the loudest wins... appealing to a teenager and terrifying for a concerned father. His behaviour has changed dramatically. There were always signs that he was having to deal with a turbulent environment, but I always thought that he should see her given that she was his mother, who when sober was attentive, and he loved her like any normal child would. Until now I had adopted the position that he should never be forced to see me (or her) if he didn’t want to, but the deterioration in his behaviour now makes me think otherwise. I had also adopted the position that love would win the day. That if I showed him I was always there for him that would be enough, and that forcing the situation would only make things worse. I would also like my son to get some kind of therapy. His mother refuses saying that he is perfectly OK with her and that the problem’s mine.

I now desperately want to get him away from that environment, and the only way I can see to do that is to go for full custody, and that the way to do that would be to ask the court to assess my ex partner’s mental state through a qualified psychologist, and that of my son. I had always sworn that I would never put him through something like that, but is there anything else I can do something to reduce her impact on him? At the moment whenever he is with me she either constantly rings him or sends hate texts about me every 20 minutes or so. I never believed in trying to cut off communications but he is now subject to round-the-clock insulting vindictive comments (I get them too but I can take them). I have tried to instil in him a sense of respect for other people, but all I get is that that I’m not cool and his mother lets him go to bed when he want, see what he wants on TV, be rude and nasty to whoever he wants, not go to school, if he doesn’t feel like it, etc. etc. and if I don’t do the same he will simply go back to her place. I can’t do that, and subsequently he goes back to his mother.

Although I get a great deal of support from my partner and family, I would really like to hear insights or thoughts from someone who has been through or witnessed a similar situation, including people who lived it from the child's point of view. I never say anything against my son's mother to him, only that I believe she is sometimes wrong about certain things, and that there are always two sides to every story. But it just sounds so lame next to a constant barrage of venom. Has anyone ever seen a child gain from what must be the horrendous experience of seeing a mother exposed for what she is? Or is it worse for him to slowly turn into that person, to have a friendless, violent existence? Is that inevitable? All comments are very, very welcome.

Kildrought

All I can do is present you with the facts and the actions you can take...ultimately you will have to make a decision on what you need to do for the best.

I take it that since you have a joint custody order, you are also your child's guardian along with your former partner? If this is not the case then you should apply for guardianship immediately.

As a guardian, you can attend parent/teacher meetings, contact his school for copies of reports, seek assessement by an educational psychologist etc., all of which I would recommend you do; since I suspect (from what you are saying) none of these things are happening at present.

You can certainly apply for sole custody and yes you are correct that this will (effectively) require that you establish that your former partner is not a fit and proper parent; and you will need compelling evidence (guards, medical etc.) to succeed in this claim.

I'd also strongly recommend that you and your son attend Al-Anon - they provide excellent support and services for the family and children of alcholics. Even if you decide not to pursue a sole custody case, Al-Anon will give you and your son the support to cope with the situations you find yourselves in.

manThursday

Thanks Kildrought. Yes I am also a joint guardian, but unfortunately the school only sends out information on meetings etc. to one parent - and it is always the mother who gets priority, even though in this case the school has been alerted by the social services to keep an eye on my boy because of his mother's record, and when they have had concerns they have contacted me, for which I was grateful. This led my ex to threaten lawsuits for not informing her first, which is why I believe they continue to send standard school information to her and not myself, and I cannot blame them for absolutely dreading the two of us turning up together (if she knew I was going she would "make the effort" and go too) given that just my entering a room brings forward a torrent of of high-volume abuse - not a very good image vis-a-vis other parents. He will be changing schools in September so you have given me the idea to contact them already and try to insist that information is sent to both parents. It would also be fantastic to have my son evaluated by a qualified child psychologist, and will certainly request that of the new school in the hope that she cannot block it - although she will almsot certainly have to be informed and will groom him for what he has to say.

Surprisingly enough, his last school report was not bad at all, despite the concerns about his behaviour (not physically violent but prone to jaw-dropping outbursts of temper - similar to the ones his mother has). But I have found that schools are very reluctant to stick their neck out in these cases, particularly when the affected person is highly aggressive. I had thought about Al anon, but my son steadfastly refuses to recognise his mother has a problem with alcohol, despite the fact that before joint custody was awarded he used to ring me at least four or five times a week to come and get him because mam was incoherent or unconscious. He will vehemently defend her right to "the odd drink". He hasn't rung me to come and get him for a few months now, ever since he realised that the people around me knew why I kept going to fetch him (he asked and was gently told that yes, they knew) so I pray it's because she is drinking less and not because he feels he is betraying his mother when he asks for my help.

Thanks for taking the time to answer - it's great to see a view from someone who can step back and look at the situation from outside.

Kildrought

I believe they continue to send standard school information to her and not myself

Almost all schools that I know of take this approach - it's nothing to do with you. You can certainly ask the new school to copy you on correspondence, but it's like as not they won't.

If you ask for a separate meeting with the teacher, though, they will generally try and facilitate you.

Most school secretaries put up copies of general notices on the doors/notice boards (and if they don't you can ask they do so). You can also join the parents association and get to know other parents in the school; that way you will also get to stay in the loop and know what is going on. Helping out with sports (coaching), the school play, fund-raising and the like are all good ways to keep in touch with what is going on with your son's life and support him. Does he play sports? participate in scouts? learn a musical instrument?

Again I doubt that the school will persue a referral to an educational psychologist (and they certainly won't be referring to a child psychologist); this is something you would have to do privately yourself. (But if he is doing well at school then perhaps that isn't a concern.) They are professionals and know how to do their job, so I wouldn't be concerned about being 'fed' a story, in any event most of what would be done would be in the line of assessement testing so it isn't something that can be faked.

Regardless of whether or not your son wants to you should go to Al-Anon yourself; one day he may join you there, but many adults find it hard to admit that some one they love has an alcohol problem, I wouldn't expect a 13yr old to be any different.

Sole custody isn't the only way to be part of someone's life, there's plenty of other ways you can support your child (as I hope I've highlighted) if you decide not to go that route.

manThursday

Thanks again Kildrought. Great suggestions about involvement with school activities. He's not particularly sporty but that could change at the new school - we did attend chess clubs though (on a modest level!) and he is a voracious reader. School activities had never occurred to me before because he spent so much time with me before the great cooling off (He would be with me 6 nights out of seven) and we did loads of stuff together (he was actually all set to go to scouts - but that went out of the window when he started staying at his mother's). But probably the things we did were exciting for a youngster and are now seen as decidedly uncool for a teenager (I guess I don't have the exclusive on that one...) - it's amazing the difference six months or so can make. I just felt he was safe from such a poisonous environment when he was at my place and his recent drastic change in behaviour after spending so much time with his mother has only compounded my fear. I get to see him when my timetable lets me take him to school on a morning, but the time is often frustratingly spent defending myself from the latest accusations made by his mother. I do, however, realise I may be concentrating too hard on getting him back into my home rather than my life...

He does still seem to love to come out with me when I am with my partner (he is always made welcome and practically always takes up the offer), and really loves to come away with me to her home (she lives abroad), on the rare occasions his mother lets him. I just feel like my role has turned into that of policeman, desperately trying to compensate for the example he is getting at home, and consequently being seen as the bad guy. Before, this was punctuated with fun and just normal day-to-day stuff - now it's all he associates me with.

Thanks again for the food for thought you have given me. No doubt that I will be accused of sticking my oar in where it's not wanted when I get involved in school activities, but I think that somewhere in his heart of hearts he must know it's because I care.

pokerwidow

manThursday I have nothing to offer but want to wish you the best of luck. You have been given some very good advice and I hope that it works for you. What does your solicitor say? I presume keeping a daily diary of the events and your sons behaviour will help, that's about the best I can up with.

Good luck again.

Kildrought

defending myself from the latest accusations made by his mother

Don't get sucked into this - stick to the facts where necessary, but leave it at that.

e.g. "Mom says you're a (whatever)"....
"Cool! Always knew she'd see the best in me one day!"...or....
"Nah, I don't think that's true - so how did your Rugby/Football/Hockey match go".

or another one "Mom says you didn't pay the maintenance so she can't afford new trainers/bike/go to cinema".

"Well, I'm pretty sure that was on my bank statement, but hey, let me check that out and I'll sort it out with her - that OK?"

Children aren't stupid...they see and understand a lot more than we realise...and they know who is on their side and who isn't.

manThursday

Pokerwidow, many thanks for moral support - every bit helps! And Kildrought thanks for yet more level-headed advice - every bit of that certainly helps too!

sonners

Hey manThursday,

Just thought I'd tell you my story, it might help a bit, I dunno!

Parents split up when I was 11/12 (I'm 23 now) and me and 2 of my siblings went to live with mam. The older 2 kids were old enough to leave and had done so. Basically before the split home was not a happy place. Constant tension in the house, fighting, screaming, dad not comin home til late, etc, etc.

When we moved away, mam changed, she was way more relaxed but still had a big chip on her shoulder regarding my dad and consequently tore the back off him at every given chance. Dad was'nt around much. At the start we saw him every weekend, then every second weekend, then once a month, and slowly but surely he drifted out of my life. It got to the stage where I'd get a card at xmas and that was it.

Mam became alot easier to live with but I just could'nt forgive her for the way she had been when I was a kid (she was'nt happy and it was our fault basically). So I moved out the day I finished my leaving cert, and I'm living my own life ever since.

I still speak to my parents, me and dad get on way better than before. A turning point in our relationship came when I stopped expecting him to be a dad. I always held it against him that he was never there, but thats stuff he cant go back and change and I know he thought his leaving would make it easier on us. I stopped expecting him to be a dad and realised he's a really nice guy, and we're great friends with alot of respect for eachother. I know now that he did what he did coz he thought it was best for us.

My relationship with my mam is more complex. We get on but...I know what kind of a person she can be. Unlike ur ex, mam does'nt drink but she has a terrible temper and can be extremely violent. Thankfully I did'nt get this trait from her but I've seen my brothers in some serious rows-coz thats what mam thought them. If u dont know how to fix something just use your fists. They grew out of this faze in their early 20's but are very lucky not too have ended up in jail during their teenage years.

I dunno if any of this helps you. Its very hard to tell someone what to do. In this day an age I have alot of friends with children and absent fathers and they ask me how to deal with it coz I went through it. But at the end of the day every situation is different and every child is different.

The one thing I will say is be there for him. It sounds like your doin an excellent job of this as it is so keep it up. And as is suggested in previous posts, ACTIVELY being there is very important. Little things like ringin him during d week just to see what he's at, when your saying good-bye say 'sure ye know where I am if ye need me'. These things wont get you thanks and praise from any teenager but as he grows and looks back he'll realise.

Also, just something to keep in mind. When his mam is bit*hing about you, thats actually very difficult and confusing for him to hear. basically if she sez 'ur father is sum c*nt' what goes through his head is 'well if he's a c*nt then wat am I? I'm his son after all, if u hate him do u hate me too?'

It is very hard for your son to deal with this, but please please dont leave him with nothing. One of the posts above mentions how to react when your son tells you things his mam has said. This is very good advice. Any dealings between his mother and you SHOULD NEVER be done through him. Now I know your not the one instigating these communications but dont tolerate them either. Just shrug it off and change the subject.

Any questions just pm me, best of luck, and dont forget at the end of the day he's a teenager-not many of us were easy to deal with at that age!

Sonners.

manThursday

Sonners, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. My parents and family in general have always been united and it makes it really difficult for me (or any of use) to imagine how a thirteen-year-old sees all this. Your post was very insightful - and encouraging in that you obviously turned out fine! I will take you up on your kind offer to ask more questions via PM in the very near future, right now I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your reply before having to dash back to work.

Thanks again.