Toilet Paper Requisite

iremex

Double Velvet is all fine and well but isnt up for the job when needs be. as for kittensoft, should be renamed "dog-rough"
still havent found the "one"...
any recommendations?


what do you want from your toilet paper?

are you the type that sees 6 for the price of 4 and think "that'll do"?

or are you a one brand person and stick with what you know?

brianthebard

Recycled ftw.

peepsbates

The one where the bear ****s in the woods........mmmmmm soft

5starpool

16 for the price of 12 ftw. Usually kittensoft or the likes. It cleans without loads of drama so it does. Not bothered about brand as long as there are loads of rolls and it isn't the cheap tescos or own brand "we'll tear you a new one" type of paper.

Terry

Extra coarse sandpaper, because I'm not a pussy.
That or the supermarket brand because, well, I'm not a pussy.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

yeah... if I want something soft between my arse cheeks I'll get a kitten, toilet paper is for cleaning ****e off the inside of my cheeks. Nothing else.

Degsy

Toilet paper is for poofs.I use a broken bottle.

Agamemnon

A wire scrubbing brush is pretty good as well. Puts some colour in your cheeks.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

KTRIC

Use your hand , thats why god gave you them.

funk-you

Degsy wrote:

Toilet paper is for poofs.I use a broken bottle.

Bottles are for poofs, i use a shotgun.

-Funk

tbh

I have a dual system. Andrex moist and kittensoft. One cleans, one polishes.

DamienH

wax on wax off

FlutterinBantam

Uhmmm... If you have a proper diet like me you tend not to use /need toilet paper.

Plenty of nuts, coarse grains, and well, roughage produces a stool of such a consistency as to require no "after care".Reminds one of those new mustard containers that snap shut without any dribble. It is basically those processed foods and cheap take aways which produce the poor "muzzle velocity" which causes the need for tidy up.

That coupled with the use of "European style" commodes as opposed to the more ergonomically efficient "eastern " or squat toilet,produces an effect that has people like Johnson & Johnson laughing,well wiping, all the way to the bank.

In the unlikely event that I would need after care in that area I find Cussons double ply afterand only after a bidet session provides the cleanliness I expect in that region.

Sorry for being so long winded.

Degsy

The hood of a duffelcoat is very effective too,i find.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Mossy Monk

dunnes stores branded toilet paper

it is cheap and you are going to be wiping your hole with it so why bother with the extra expense

BaZmO*

I find the Sun or the Mirror does the job for me. Sometimes I even use the News of the World.

If I can't get any of the above I just use my housemate's toohbrush.

funk-you

Actually, my last room-mate if he realised he ran out while sitting there would take off his socks and use them. He nearly always had a northside people sitting there aswell just in case also.

-Funk

TheNog

I use a fabric made from barbed wire and camels pubic hair.

Puts the *POP* back in *PLOP*

5starpool

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Uhmmm... If you have a proper diet like me you tend not to use /need toilet paper.

Plenty of nuts, coarse grains, and well, roughage produces a stool of such a consistency as to require no "after care".Reminds one of those new mustard containers that snap shut without any dribble. It is basically those processed foods and cheap take aways which produce the poor "muzzle velocity" which causes the need for tidy up.

That coupled with the use of "European style" commodes as opposed to the more ergonomically efficient "eastern " or squat toilet,produces an effect that has people like Johnson & Johnson laughing,well wiping, all the way to the bank.

In the unlikely event that I would need after care in that area I find Cussons double ply afterand only after a bidet session provides the cleanliness I expect in that region.

Sorry for being so long winded.

Yes, you are great. Well done on that achievement.

dr.bollocko

I just grew my hair out until it was long enough so that I could tie my curly ass hair to my long head hair.
It makes a useful musical instrument on long journeys and is also great for drip drying without the need for TP.

MarkR

Karcher ftw

FlutterinBantam

Hey man... thanks:o

Degsy

Does anybody else here look at the paper as they're wiping to get an idea of progress?

Also do you fold over an unused bit and use that to economise?

cornbb

The only thing worth using is the puppy from the Andrex commercial. So, so soft.

http://www.sterlingtimes.org/andrex_puppy2.jpg

FlutterinBantam

Degsy wrote:

Does anybody else here look at the paper as they're wiping to get an idea of progress?

Also do you fold over an unused bit and use that to economise?

I inspected a wad of toilet paper after the initial stroke and I swear I saw the outline of Osama Bin laden's head!!:eek: :eek:

Agamemnon

No, that was Marty Whelan.

I inspect the paper to get a rough idea of where to target the next sweep.

Degsy

I've frequently seen mother theresa on my toilet paper and kept it for a while untill neighbours objected.

tbh

Degsy wrote:

Does anybody else here look at the paper as they're wiping to get an idea of progress?

Degsy, just keep wiping till you draw an ace. Handy rule of thumb there.

Degsy

tbh wrote:

Degsy, just keep wiping till you draw an ace. Handy rule of thumb there.

Or until the cheap toilet paper runs out and you have to use the cardboard tube...messy business.

Dave!

Is there anything worse than wiping away and then realising there's a hole in the paper and you've been using your finger for most of the cleaning?

We buy a bale of toilet roll in the local shop. €5 or somethin for... lots. The odd time someone seems to buy fancy stuff, but that's quickly used up.

FlutterinBantam

Degsy wrote:

I've frequently seen mother theresa on my toilet paper and kept it for a while untill neighbours objected.

Those were the times you used the dishcloth ..jeesh ..no wonder the neighbours objected!!

Drying your cups with THAT thing!!!

Overheal

I find wiping with my test results help me squeeze the cost of one more pint a week

seriously though I think I use Andrex

Degsy

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Those were the times you used the dishcloth ..jeesh ..no wonder the neighbours objected!!

Drying your cups with THAT thing!!!

At least it wasnt a comunal dishcloth in an old people's home..no wonder you lost your job!!

iremex

DaveMcG wrote:

Is there anything worse than wiping away and then realising there's a hole in the paper and you've been using your finger for most of the cleaning?
QUOTE]

i'd rather chop that finger off

Agamemnon

DaveMcG wrote:

Is there anything worse than wiping away and then realising there's a hole in the paper and you've been using your finger for most of the cleaning?

If at home, run the finger under a tap. If somewhere else, wipe it on the wall. Bonus points if you have enough "material" to draw a smiley face with.

Schlemm

there was an article in the paper there about toilet paper...apparently we Irish use the most bog roll per head than any other nation in the world!

netwhizkid

BaZmO* wrote:

I find the Sun or the Mirror does the job for me. Sometimes I even use the News of the World.

If I can't get any of the above I just use my housemate's toohbrush.

Good to see someone found some use for such rag journalism, you could however add the Irish Dail Mail to the list of ass wipes and that page written by Mary Ellen Synon especially.

Terry

Schlemm wrote:

there was an article in the paper there about toilet paper...apparently we Irish use the most bog roll per head than any other nation in the world!

We also eat the most cornflakes.
Connection?

petes

Terry wrote:

We also eat the most cornflakes.
Connection?

We also eat the most chocolate.

Schlemm

hmm no wonder we use so much bog roll.......we must be sh!ting out chocolate cornflake buns day in day out!

Degsy

I propose a study into the effects of excessive Skittles eating on the colour of bottom-deposits.Anyone care to start?

exCrumlinBoyo

Back in the good old days of single living in a shared house with a bunch of lads we were not always up to the task of buying bog roll. wake up in the morning with the Gunniess cramps and the turtle head hanging out. No jacks roll so a sock would have to do.

Wiping your arse with a sock it quite good especially if its clean.... sometimes when push comes to shove clean or used once its your own will work wonders. Just dont flush it down the jacks or you will have big trouble.

When we did have the luxury of having jacks roll, my house mate used to bring home from work the huge industrial rolls which would tear the arse off of you and your fingers would go through... Socks any day of the week.

Degsy

Dont if you're poor be tempted to use kitchen towels instead of jacks roll.It doesnt disolve in water and clogs up your pipes,usually with the result that all your waste backs up and forms a swamp in your back garden.

Lamps

I was studying in my room when i lived in a shared house in college, one of the lads came in and said

"do you have any spare A4 sheets"

I did, so i gave him a few thinking he was doing a bit of study.

Later I found them floating in the jacks water with a loada skids on them.



We never once bought bog roll, we just knicked it from the jacks in college. We'd be going home with our bags full with bog rolls. we had so much we had to start to store it in the attic. You'd of thought we'd stop, but it was like an addiction robbing that jacks roll

exCrumlinBoyo

Just thinking some more on this I remember being a kid going to my grand-mothers house and she was poor, no money to spare. You used to have to wipe your arse with newspaper. It would cut the arse off you, but time.

I could never understand how they could have the money to buy a newspaper but not bog roll?

Anyone else ever have the pleasure of wiping their arse with the sunday world or the Star?

AbusesToilets

I usually wipe till the paper starts turning red.Generally take that as a good indicator of lack of ****

aidan_dunne

Personally, this is my brand of choice!

http://www.randomimage.us/24466.html

exCrumlinBoyo wrote:

Anyone else ever have the pleasure of wiping their arse with the sunday world or the Star?

Not with either of those newspapers, no, but I have been forced into using 'The Farmer's Journal' in the past! Let me explain.......

I was, oh, probably 11 or 12 at the time and was helping out on my grandad's farm bringing in the hay. Suddenly needed to go for a dump badly but rather than go out in the field or behind a hedge or something (it's one thing taking a píss outdoors but a shít! :eek: ) I ran back to the farmhouse as quick as I could, clenching my arse as tightly as possible..... as you do! In the door, up the stairs to the bathroom, trousers and underwear down, arse down on the jacks, PLOP! Ahhh, relief! Turned to grab some toilet paper to wipe the bum..... NOOOOO! Just an empty cardboard tube on the holder. "Okay, don't panic, just check the press over there on the wall", I think to myself. Shuffle over to the opposite side of the bathroom where the press is with my trousers down around my ankles, open the press......... no spare toilet rolls! :eek: Now what do I do? Nobody is in the house to call out to to ask to bring me up a toilet roll from downstairs because they're all up in the field stacking bales of hay. I look over and see that week's copy of 'The Farmer's Journal' sitting on a small stand beside the jacks. You can work out the rest for yourself, I'm sure!

Was as rough as fúck and did indeed feel like it was cutting the arse off me but I do seem to recall it being surprisingly absorbant! Still, though, I bet my grandad was wondering where the front and back pages of his paper had disappeared to next time he went for a dump!

Black Swan

No matter the brand, if you are planning on visiting Moscow, recommend that you take along a couple extra rolls. They have a paper shortage in many places you might stay.

Ruu_Old

Ch-ch-ch-Charmin!