Depression, Anxiety, alcoholism and agorophobia. My story.

Nalced_irl

Well, i finally mustered up the courage to tell my folks about my problems. As it turns out, a few people in my extended family have had similar problems. My dad was telling me that when he was in his 20s/30s, if he was invited to a wedding 6 months away, he would be in a cold sweat everytime he thought about going and that being in crowded places made him panic, also (slightly less serious) my uncle gave up drinking coffee and coke as it gave him panic attacks so it may be something that is in the family. On the other side of the family, my uncle had suffered from severe depression which brought on anxiety and panic attacks but as far as im aware im not depressed. Maybe the doctor will tell me different but i would be very surprised if he came to that conclusion. Anyway, just wanted to drop by and let yis know and say thanks to everyone for convincing me that i had to get it out in the open. Seeing a doctor this week about it and hopefully move forward from there. To be honest, if someone offered me a choice between the winning Euromillions ticket and getting over this, i would tear that ticket up in a heartbeat!

Trinity

Nalced_irl wrote:

Well, i finally mustered up the courage to tell my folks about my problems. As it turns out, a few people in my extended family have had similar problems. My dad was telling me that when he was in his 20s/30s, if he was invited to a wedding 6 months away, he would be in a cold sweat everytime he thought about going and that being in crowded places made him panic, also (slightly less serious) my uncle gave up drinking coffee and coke as it gave him panic attacks so it may be something that is in the family. On the other side of the family, my uncle had suffered from severe depression which brought on anxiety and panic attacks but as far as im aware im not depressed. Maybe the doctor will tell me different but i would be very surprised if he came to that conclusion. Anyway, just wanted to drop by and let yis know and say thanks to everyone for convincing me that i had to get it out in the open. Seeing a doctor this week about it and hopefully move forward from there. To be honest, if someone offered me a choice between the winning Euromillions ticket and getting over this, i would tear that ticket up in a heartbeat!

Hi

I cant say i recall seeing any of your posts but its cool you have brought it out in the open and your family sound like they are supporting you well and making you feel you are not alone.

I know exactly how you feel about the lotto - i'd give it all up to feel normal

But you know what, i dont know how or why but i have had 3 days panic/anxiety free and it was heaven so you will get there. Just going to work and dropping the child to school, for other people so so normal but for me, i cherished every minute of it and smiled and spoke to people for the first time in ages - sad as that sounds

Nalced_irl

Trinity1 wrote:

Hi

I cant say i recall seeing any of your posts but its cool you have brought it out in the open and your family sound like they are supporting you well and making you feel you are not alone.

I know exactly how you feel about the lotto - i'd give it all up to feel normal

But you know what, i dont know how or why but i have had 3 days panic/anxiety free and it was heaven so you will get there. Just going to work and dropping the child to school, for other people so so normal but for me, i cherished every minute of it and smiled and spoke to people for the first time in ages - sad as that sounds

I think i only posted once about it in this forum a few months back but been reading others experiences and stuff also. Went to the doc yesterday and he rekons i have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and has put me on Lexapro for 8 weeks and is arranging an appointment with a Psychiatrist which he said may not come up for about 2 months. Has anyone else been on Lexapro before? Apparently the good affects dont happen until youve taken it for about 10 days so for the next 10 days i could be only getting side affects, in otherwards, feel even worse. Started taking it today and dont feel too much worse so hopefully it will be ok. The next thing i have to do is see if im able to get some sort of benifit as i dont want to have to rely on my parents and currently would not last an hour in a job without legging it for the exit. I dont know how the welfare folks treat mental illnesses tho. Do they treat it as a real illness or an "Ah, sure its all in your head" kinda way?

Trinity

Lexapro is what they prescribed me. I never took it but apparently is a fairly new one with minimal side affects and its non addictive but thats just heresay as i didnt take it.

I managed to hold onto my job (dont ask me how!!) so i really dont know about benefits, i guess like anything you would have to prove it so a letter from your GP would be a must and a trip to your local social welfare office so they can tell you your entitlements.

This site is also fairly helpful

www.oasis.gov.ie

(you will be redirected but i cant remember its new name)

I also very recently discovered this board has a state benefits forum - the board that has everything. :-) (although it took a while to figure out where it was!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=861

tbh

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare/disability-and-illness

Trinity

tbh wrote:

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare/disability-and-illness

Thats the one thank you

orestes

Just wanted to say thank you for posting your story Terry, I learned a lot from reading it.

I hope things are going well for you and hope things keep moving up for you

AckwelFoley

Yea, fair play to ya. Ive been through alot of shoite lately with my own manic depressive nature and can have some idea of what you have ben through, although itseems u have a number of associated problems.

Kudos though however, for being able to post up your expierences, as im certain it helps yourself and others.

Some ppl are afraid to talk about it, im not - but alot are.. and thats part of the problem


- Brian

kelle

Hi, Terry
I'm so shocked at reading your thread. I can't believe what you've been through. You were very courageous to post all that. I wish you all the best in getting through this.

Slidey

Well I stumbled across this thread after somebody bumped the suicide thread in AH which was started before my time.

Would like to say that I think Terry is very brave for posting that and now a certain thread that i read in helpdesk today means a little more and the snide remarks are bith very cutting and bitter.. lets hope there is such a thing as karma.

Having been very close to the edge myself after the death of my closest friend, with the only thing stopping me was the fear of not actually getting it right the first time, I too know what can go through peoples mind at times like this...

Putting it off and a fear of the stigma of having tried to do it and not even get that right was the only thing that got me through.

I have often thought to myself, do you have to be crazy to kill yourself or can it be the act of a sane and logical person?

Went traveling instead and it did wonders for me..

Flamed Diving

I enjoyed that Terry, you should try expand on it or maybe write it to a blog? You should keep adding to it anyway, is my point!

DenMan

Hello Terry. How are you getting on now buddy? How is the course going for you? I couldn't believe the way you described yourself about isolating yourself away from everybody else and facing your problems alone. It made me remember that, that is also the same thing I did. I kept things bottled up and lost track of a lot of my school mates. I went into isolation mode. I hope the course works out for you man. I am returning to full time education myself starting this Sept. I am on the right path now and even though depression is something that remains with you all your life it is great to know that you are not alone. Thanks buddy.

Den

madser

Wow Terry what a story, I have chronic illness, panic attacks, pain, asthma and I think being sick in a way saved me from a lot, your first panic attack was a revelation to me, the king crisps, not going back to the shops etc. I was exactly the same, I didn't wear nail varnish for 10 yrs cos I'd put nail varnish on just before I'd had a panic attack:(

Your so young, I couldn't believe youve been through so much in your short life, the good thing is your still young enough to made good;)

You have a good friend in Mick are you still friends with Jerome what happened there.

Anyway thanks for sharing your story, I got a lot out of it and related to much of it:)

Terry

I've had a few people PM me about this in the past few days looking for updates.

I never applied for the college course due to general apathy, laziness and as a result of my continued drinking.
Mostly though it was as a result of the extreme narcissistic outlook I have now applied to my life.


I've generally stopped caring about everything.

It has worked slightly towards ridding myself of the panic attacks, so it's not all bad.

The depression isn't as bad either.
I'm still taking Efexor and they seem to be working for me.
I did have a bad night a couple of weeks back and decided to test out how sharp the blade on my stanley knife was.
It wasn't that sharp, so no damage was done, except for a slight infection on my left arm where I really dug the knife in.
I then had a moment of clarity and rang the Samaritans. A 15 minute talk with some guy there helped me. I've been grand since and my screen saver now says "Don't kill yourself".

I'm off to jail in 13 days for unpaid fines that date back to 2002. My own fault really. I was just being a jackass by not paying it . I'm the type of person who thinks that if I ignore it, it will go away. (€1,300 driving offences).
This has me really freaked out and was partially the cause of my knife test.
However, the cop assures me that I'll be out within a few hours. I might even get some pictures, if I find one of the folks with the mobiles.

I am starting a course in FÁS in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that'll go well.

As for still being friends with Jerome, we have been friends all our lives. He's a forgiving guy.

Also, I have an appointment with an addiction councillor in three weeks. Hopefully I will get something out of this and will be able to come off xanax and control my drinking.
Waking up after 10 cans without having a bad hangover is not a good sign.

Trinity

I hope you find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve. Its such a waste of a life and its so fcuking frustrating not being able to wave a magic wand and help people, myself and family included.

What are your hopes and dreams Terry.

Mine is to wake up one day and feel normal. To stop feeling like a freak and a failure and to stop comparing myself to others, the neighbours, strangers on the street, thinking everyone elae is better than me.

To be able to go abroad and swim in a blue green sea, like the ones you see on the adverts

To have a detached bungalow with a huge garden with a tree in it, and not to be afraid to move away from my family to get it cos i cant drive far

These things are what keep me going cos its important to have a goal, something to strive for.

Just my 2 cents.

DenMan

Trinity1 wrote: »

I hope you find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve. Its such a waste of a life and its so fcuking frustrating not being able to wave a magic wand and help people, myself and family included.

What are your hopes and dreams Terry.

Mine is to wake up one day and feel normal. To stop feeling like a freak and a failure and to stop comparing myself to others, the neighbours, strangers on the street, thinking everyone elae is better than me.

To be able to go abroad and swim in a blue green sea, like the ones you see on the adverts

To have a detached bungalow with a huge garden with a tree in it, and not to be afraid to move away from my family to get it cos i cant drive far

These things are what keep me going cos its important to have a goal, something to strive for.

Just my 2 cents.

Hi Trinity1

I see that same ocean in my dreams, clear blue skies, warm breezes and the azure ocean. I will go there one day, in the future. It is a goal of mine. Right now I am returning to full time education so that is the first step of mine.

Den

Sykk

Good luck with the rest of your life mate.

Trojan911

Flamed Diving wrote: »

I enjoyed that Terry, you should try expand on it or maybe write it to a blog? You should keep adding to it anyway, is my point!

A very interesting read, I was going to suggest have you ever considered a book? Like you say, If this post might help someone, how many would a book help?

Fair play to you for your openess, I wish you well for the future.

Terry

I have the attention span of a gnat (see lack of replies to this thread for reference ), so a book won't be written any time soon.

I did actually speak to a doctor today and he let rip at the treatment I recieved at the hands of the HSE. He couldn't believe how badly I had been treated over the years.

I tried to explain that I was to blame due to my drinking, but he was having none of it. As far as he was concerned, the HSE were completely to blame.

He lambasted them for giving me grief over my addiction to xanax, when they were the ones who prescribed them in the first place.
I suppose he does have somewhat of a point.

I have been attending an addiction councillor, but the appointments are erratic.

I've cut down on my drinking, but am still drinking too much.

Meh. Blog will be written when I get around to it.

DenMan

Thanks for keeping us updated Terry, fair play to you. Your doctor is very right, the HSE is to blame for their administration. Just look at the amount of cases that are now coming to light as a result of the ineptness of the HSE. There are good people based in there I have no doubt, but the higher you go up the ladder the progressively worse it's gets. Thanks for the update buddy.

Den

ChewChew

all I can say is WOW.

I have sat for the last hour and read this whole thread and now I am feeling rather emotional!!

Terry. . . You are a very very brave man. And You've made me (and I'm sure I'm not alone on this) realise just how lucky I am.

I have suffered slightly, but not to the point you are at. When I was 20 my dad who was a healthy 48 yr old man was diagnosed with cancer. Myself and my mum and 2 sisters cared for him right up till he passed away in our arms in march 2005. I am the youngest of my siblings. I WAS daddy's little girl. now I'm not. I said goodbye to my dad that day, but I regret not telling him I love him and thats where my problems began. i lost my daddy when I was 21. not fair. the first year was a struggle. the second year was a bit better and now I am here. all is going well. . . I miss my dad an aweful lot and think about him everyday, but I still have my mum to look out for because its only now she is getting back on track.

Your story is wonderful. it's refreshing to know that yes, people can overcome that demon that tries to overcome them.

On another note, I work in Connolly hospital, Blanchardstown and I live in Celbridge! So if there is anything at all I can do regarding appointments or that just give me a shout!! I'd be more than happy to help in anyway I can!!

otherwise. . . I look forward to checking in here and reading your updates!!!

Terry

Oh I haven't fully recovered and I'm still probably a year or two away from full recovery.

I have been out and about a lot more though and haven't had any bad panic attacks in a while.
Normally when I'm hungover, I can just about make it to the shops and back, but I'm sitting in my cousin's house right now minding her kid and I'm fine apart from the dehydration and craving for salty food.

I'm going to ring the addiction councillor in a while and try to get another appointment because I really want to see this through. I've let drink get in the way in the past, but I'm really sick and tired of sitting at home doing nothing and only being able to do the odd local job.

Oh yeah. Did I mention I was in the joy? That was fun.

I was in court last Monday week for skipping bail (panic attack on the day of the court case, when I was to pay the fine for taking Jerome's van) and the judge gave me bail again. I was lucky to get it. Everyone in the holding cell who were up ahead of me were sent back down. I probably got bail because I turned myself in that morning.
Anyway, just as I was about to leave court, the fines officer grabbed me over an outstanding fine from six or seven years ago (traffic offences again. No tax, licence, insurance etc) and brought me to the joy.
He explained to one of the head guys there that I suffer from panic attacks, so this guy came down and spoke to me.

He told me that he too suffers from panic attacks and we ended up exchanging stories about our meds and how they affected us.

I think he knew I wasn't the usual scumbag prisoner when I didn't laugh after he told me that he stopped taking xanax because they made him piss the bed.
Nope, I didn't need to know that either.

Anyway, they put me in a holding cell for about two and a half hours and then released me.
I've to sign on in the cop station every day until the last week of October.

I actually see this as a good thing.
I'll get out, get some exercise and I'm going to try to take longer walks every day after leaving the station. I'll also try to do it without taking any xanax.

The cops were quite nice to me too.
one of them apologised about me being sent to the joy. He told me that he tried to talk the fines officer out of sending me down that day and was really apologetic about the judge (really angry man who was going red in the face and looked like his head was going to explode).

I supopoose my co-operation was the key thing there.

Anyway, the joy. Yeah.
Two and a half hours in a dank basement holding cell with two other guys who were in for the same thing. They seemed like decent people too.
Then again, if you don't pay your fines, you have to face the consequences. So it was my own fault really. I had the money at one stage, but pissed it up againt a wall.

I do feel a lot better now that it has been dealt with though. It's a huge weight off my shoulders and I'm back in court to pay €300 on the 22nd of September and that will be the end of it all and I can get back to trying to lead a normal life.

ChewChew, sorry to hear about your father. It can't have been easy for you to see him die in such a horrible way.

You would be amazed at how many people suffer from panic attacks.
One of the guys in the cell in the joy told me he sometimes had them, but the other guy didn't really understand what we were talking about and though that I was going to start beating the crap out of him after I mentioned that the xanax were wearing off.

Then there's the old school friend I was talking to the other day.
He's having an awful lot of trouble with them at the moment.

The whole stigma around them really pisses me off because I know that a lot of people are going untreated and suffering in silence.

I'm seriously considering contacting a radio station or something about it because it needs to be spoken about openly. Too many people's lives are being ruined by something that is treatable. Fúckin' Tom fúckin' Cruise.

Anyway, that doctor I saw the other day (He was a locum. My own GP died a few months back and there has been a series of locums since then. There is a full time GP starting next week though) upped my efexor from 150mg to 225mg. I'm dreading the next couple of days as my body adjusts to the increase, but they have worked for me so far and the increase can only help me a bit more.

I'm also trying out some herbal remedies. I can't remember the name right now, but it smells and tastes rank. It might work though.

Edit: I clicked on one of the google ads at the top of the page. It was for a herbal remedy for panic attacks and one of the ingredients is Valerian. That's the rank stuff I have at home.

hexagramer

hey terry im only 21 dunno what age u are but ill upload my story that iv been telling myself not too in this short while, it shows the insanity of our mental system and how it gets

im on lexapro now so hope things are lookin up ^

Terry

hexagramer wrote: »

hey terry im only 21 dunno what age u are but ill upload my story that iv been telling myself not too in this short while, it shows the insanity of our mental system and how it gets

im on lexapro now so hope things are lookin up ^

I know a few people on Lexapro and it seems to work for them.

I'm 32, but have been having bad panic attacks since I was 17. The depression goes back further and I can remember times when I was depressed as a child, but didn't really understand what was happening.

You can post your story unregged if you want.

hexagramer

sounds like a plan my good man.

im still rather curiouse tho i have to say, your not living up in around kiltipper by anychance are u terry?

Terry

Confey



<<<<<<<<

Small townland in Leixlip in Kildare.


Don't post if you feel uncomfortable.
I, personally, couldn't give a damn what people think of me to the point of going too far and being insulting sometimes.
If you feel you will suffer repercussions from your post, don't do it.
Just go for it if you are comfortable enough with your condition. Some people can be really judgemental cúnts.

If you feel you have enough anonymity on this site, then go ahead.

I don't want to discourage you from posting. Just giving you a heads up.

hexagramer

i live with my sisters boyfreind and he has a dad called terry who sounded really similiar to you

dont worry iv dealt with assholes all the time on the net and its nothing big to me anymore, i look down on the pridefull sort ;p iv learned to stop complaining about my inner feelings of being let down and just ****ing deal with it, a post from all my whining online beforehand - but a nice big long story like yours ill post up in the next few days soon

also added u on bebo mate, after a search haha

-nick

Terry

Hmm. 15 months since I posted here.
Just a quick update.

For the past Three Months I've had a surplus of xanax at the end of the Month's script. This has increased from Four at the end of November to 22 at the end of January.
This has been the most I have had left over since I began taking Xanax all those years ago.
Because my old GP used to hand them out like smarties, I also had lots of Efexor left over, so was able to defer going to my new (smoking hot) GP by a week for the past Two Months.

The plan is to cut my script for xanax from 3 a day to 2 a day as soon as I have 28 left over on my next visit. It's mostly a psychological thing at this point. I just feel safe having the Xanax there, even though I'm not taking them. That's not to say that I don't feel the physical side effects when I don't take them, but those side effects are becoming easier to deal with. I try to skip every second day.

On a few occasions I have forgotten to take them on the second day and it was the physical side effects which reminded me. Because I was going to get drunk those days, I knew that the side effects would subside after a few pints, so I decided not to take them.

On the consumption level, I have gone from taking between 8 and 10 of the 0.25mg pills in one go to 3 or 4 when hungover, or 2 when not hungover. That is all I will take in any day. If I start feeling nervous later in the day, I'll just find something to distract me rather than taking more pills. This works 99.999% of the time.

In saying that, I'm drinking a lot more than before. 10 to 12 cans a night. More if I leave drink with friends.
Yes, I'm replacing one severe addiction with another, but my thinking on it is that because I don't miss beer when I'm broke, I rather tackle the Xanax problem first.
I drink because I'm bored. I take Xanax for my nerves. I've almost overcome my nervous disorder (despite alcohol being a major contributor), so I'll worry about the beer when I get down to about 7 Xanax a week.

As for the depression, I'm down to the odd low day. Other than that, life isn't too bad. I'm really bored, but I'm no longer suicidal.
I've finally found something I love working at. Fixing computers.

To anyone feeling low, find something you like doing. It worked for me.

Terry

I would have most of those symptoms, but fitness is not one. Well, it is now, but when I first started having panic attacks, I would cycle at least 10 miles a day.
I couldn't go anywhere in a car, but as long as I had my bike I felt safe.
It's a control thing.

I never really had migranes either. Thankfully. I hear they're really nasty. Even with a hangover, I rarely get headaches. Then again, I do drink lots of water to prevent dehydration.

I think I'm just genetically pre-disposed to depression and anxiety. I've come to accept that and it makes life easier. It may be a bad move, but I've just stopped caring.

I look at some of my neighbours and wonder how they get by. One dude has at least 7 kids and only lives with 3 of them (whether he cares about those 3 is questionable). Some of them are career criminals. Some are junkies. Some are up to their eyeballs in debt.
These people just sail through life and don't care about anyone else. So I took a tip from them and stopped caring about the little things. It just makes life so much easier.

That's not to say that I've stopped caring altogether. I do have a conscience. I'm just letting the little things go by and sorting out the big things. It feels great and life is good.
Christ; I fixed a laptop last night when I was drunk. This computer stuff is easy and fun. To hell with tiling.

Terry

Oh yeah. Tried to edit some of the post from 2 days ago, but missed out by 2 minutes.

It should read "have drinks with friends" rather than "leave drink with friends".