Can a male and female with a romantic past be friends?

LegacyUser

I have known a girl for 4 years.

The first year we had a good laugh as college buddies.

The second year we kissed on and off and had sex once but both realised a relationship wouldn't work out between us and stayed friends.

The third year we were great buddies but after spending alot of time together we developed an intimate friendship. i had feelings for her but she didn't want a relationship with me, i felt rejected but i got over it.

In our fourth year we are best friends again. I love spending time with her and little hugs. we see each other every day in college and txt eachother every other day. I'm just worried that I'll develop feelings for her again and ruin our friendship. At the moment I'm perfectly happy having a good friend.

Can a man and woman with a romantic past be friends?
or will jealousy, sexual tension and feelings of love always get in the way?

(I've been single this whole time. I am desperate for a girlfriend but things just never work out for me. either i come across too desperate or i meet desperate girls that i dont really fancy)

Red Hand

Looks like your relationship or whatever it is you have with this girl is clouding your chances of being with other girls, as you may still think of her as your G/F and not just as a friend? Other girls could pick up on that.

As for your title question, yes they can, but obviously not as close as they once were perhaps.

Talliesin

In general, yes. It's happened.

In any given case though it's much harder to tell.

I say, give it a go though.

Overheal

It can happen definitely: In your case though it looks as though you're still very much hung up on this girl. Eventually you may genuinely lay that to rest but it may be important to tell her or at least someone close to you that you trust for the time being.

dr.bollocko

It seems like you are having an emotional affair with this girl. Though she has rejected you as a lover, you still see her as the major female influence in your life. Any friendship you have with her would be a bastardised form of an intimate relationship where you both know that the other isnt the right person and the relationship will never work out how you want it to, but neither of ye will move on to something else very easily without curtailing some of the more intimate parts of the friendship. Until at least one of ye move on to dating others, and the other person accepts this, then there can be no friendship, just another 4 years of foreplay.

LegacyUser

'That is such a tricky one! I'm friends with all but one ex. And that was because the line between friends/relationship became blurred and that was five years after breaking up. So with some people I don't think it ever goes away and in that case you can't be friends in the way you described. It sounds like (and I could be wrong) that you have greater feelings for her than she has and I hate to say it, if that's true then it always ends in tears. Either you put your life on hold and hold out for her to change her mind, always imagining what it would be like if you were a couple. Or you do yourself a massive favour and stop the type of friendship you have. What I mean by that is if you don't want to stop contact altogether you can try and get the friendship to be like it would be with a male friend, no hugs etc just a laugh and you might stop seeing her in a potential soul mate way.

Then again maybe I read too much into your post!!!!!!!!'

hunnymonster

As a general idea, yes it can happen. My best friend is a man I almost married. We drifted apart for a while but when we both ended up living in Dublin again we became very close friends even if there was never a spark. We've never had a problem with it but various boyfriends/girlfriends have. His wife took a long time to get used to the idea that his BF was an ex but she's ok with it now. My current (insert whatever "label" you want here) thinks it is weird as hell but he can deal with it.

In your case, I do have to agree with some of the others, it does sound like maybe you're still looking for more than friendship with this woman. If that's the case then give yourself some space for a while and come back to the friendship when the emotional fire has cooled down a bit.

LegacyUser

'we've never been a couple and we've both been dating other people recently.
but her love interest left the country and i was dating 2 girls but neither worked out. so we're both single at the moment and exchanging relationship advice.

but yeah i would definitely say that her influence has clouded my interest in looking for other girls. not right now but in the past.

maybe if we were both in other relationships it would be easier to be friends because we would not looking for anything more than just friendship.

obviously i'm still hung up on her if i'm bothered posting about it.
but i dont want to stop being friends with her - i just need to find someone new.

hunnymonster, do you think its possible that you're almost husband still has feelings for you? and thats why everyone thinks it's weird? he doesn't want to act on them because he's married but it might be eating him up inside.

i think its easier for the woman. a man has trouble controlling his desires. women are friends with gay men but how many men have lesbian friends?

i'd like to hear from men who are still friends with an ex flame.'

Attol

In my experience not really. Maybe if it was a fling or something and you both got over it then yes but a full blown "I love you and want to be with you forever" relationship? Not in my opinion. There will be resentment and if you're used to being physically close it makes it so much harder to stop and leaves a lingering "it could happen" feeling. One will always still have some feelings for the other and the physical closeness is such a lead on. It's not really possible to have a proper romantic relationship in that kind of a situation. Too much drama.

Cionn

I have a friend was with her a few times and we were both clever enough to realise that the relationship we had was one of friendship rather than anything else.

End of the day I ended up meeting up with her on her honeymoon (arranged as a surprise by her husband) and she is godmother to one of my kids.

Unusual but like most things yes it can work but it depends on the two individuals and will be different in most cases.

LegacyUser

'Hey I'm in a very similar situation as yourself-Became best friends with a girl, which then progressed to us meeting on and off for few months.Then split up and were friends again.It was fine being friends but then it was inevitable that the same happened again, which it did and we were meeting again.

We tried to take it to the next level as in a relationship and had sex once.She decided then that she didn't have the same fellings for me as I had for her and wanted to be just friends.I love her and she says she loves me but at the moment it's been 2 months since that happened and we haven't really met up or talked since...which I think is for the best.

I think it's good to let things cool off and then she will either realise that she is meant to be with you or else one of you will meet some one else and will move on.I dunno if I could be as good friends with her again, even though I want to, simply for the fact my feelings are too strong and I'm at the stage where it is either all or nothing-otherwise I think you will be tormenting yourself and be living in a kind of emotional limbo!'

cornbb

The short answer to your question is yes.

The longer answer to your question is sometimes. It appears you already have a very close friendship this girl. But from an objective bystander's point of view, its hard not to wonder whether its a good idea, whether its healthy for you and whether its actually working.

aromantic wrote:

At the moment I'm perfectly happy having a good friend.

Are you sure thats all you're after?

aromantic wrote:

(I've been single this whole time. I am desperate for a girlfriend but things just never work out for me. either i come across too desperate or i meet desperate girls that i dont really fancy)

Sounds like she might be holding you back. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your friend is a wonderful person and means you no harm but it looks to me like your intimate friendship with this girl might unintentionally screw up your love life. Look up the term "cuddle bitch" and think about whether you are one or not. (No offense intended, I'm not judging you but this might be a good way of openly judging yourself).

I'm sure you can successfully be friends with this girl. But it might be a good idea to maintain a certain distance (i.e. hold back on the physical affection) in order to preserve your sanity and ignite some sort of love life for you.

Shinners23

I don't think it is ever a good idea - some one will always get hurt unfortunately. Sorry but I'm speaking from experience...

chamlis

In my own experience, YES it can work.

Her boyfriends' won't be happy with you though.....

Kell

aromantic wrote:

'i'd like to hear from men who are still friends with an ex flame.'

All of ex's hate me, bar one, but thats because they've never had it so good since :eek:

But seriously-

It depends on whether one has feelings for the other or not. You have feelings for her, so to be brutally honest, you should move on from your friend because you cant handle the situation as is. Dont view it as "losing a friend" but as doing the right thing by yourself.

Even if she is upset by the loss of contact, if she is as good a friend as you paint her, she'll understand that you were doing the right thing by yourself. Who knows, she might decide that she really does like you when she doesnt have you around so much.

Your point about being desperate for a GF has a part to play. If you werent quite so needy, you might not find yourself being quite so drawn to her. At the moment, you are probably drawn to anything in a skirt that has a pulse, or without whichever flicks your switch. The fact that she is responsive, on some level, only adds to the exasperation.

K-

hunnymonster

aromantic wrote:

' hunnymonster, do you think its possible that you're almost husband still has feelings for you? and thats why everyone thinks it's weird? he doesn't want to act on them because he's married but it might be eating him up inside.'

No I don't think so. He and his wife a a really great team. The fact that you ask it, might mean you're not as happy to be just friends with this woman as you pretend. If it's bothering you, and it is if you're throwing it out for a group of strangers to analyse, get away from it for a while. Time and distance are both great healers. It may not be what you want but it may be what is best for you at the moment.

loismustdie

definitely, they're your x for a reason and it would b silly to throw away someone who has the potential to b a very good friend

limklad

aromantic wrote:

Can a man and woman with a romantic past be friends?
or will jealousy, sexual tension and feelings of love always get in the way?

That is up to you, to have your head or dick or heart rule you!!
How would you feel if you hurt her as a friend! It is always your choice.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice

'cuddle bitch' thats a new one, sadly i think it may have applied to me

(noun) A guy whom a girl chooses to cuddle, spoon, watch movies, and/or, but no limited to, sharing her feelings with. Note that the guy DOES NOT get to engage in ANY kind of sexual relations with the girl. The girl merely uses him to fulfill a lack of intimacy in her relationship with her bf.

i guess she just wanted to be intimate with me and nothing more.

it is very selfish of her to do that to me when she knows i'm desperate for a proper relationship. i think she's a very selfish girl in general.

so i'll keep my distance and just treat her like one of my male friends, no cuddling or special attention - she's holding me back in the hunt for a girlfriend. so thanks again boards people. discussion closed.

redzerdrog

I dont think it can work.

bugler

In the majority of cases this isn't a good idea. I'm not a believer in male-female best friendships. You can have good friends who are of the opposite sex, but if you want them to be your best-friend things will get mixed up.

In most cases like this the guy wants/will want at some point a sexual aspect/intimate aspect to the relationship. I've been there myself. It's an attractive woman, and we're men after all. It's what nature wants us to do.

I've seen over the past number of years the same pathetic cycle of some guys who either didn't have the courage to ask a girl out or were rejected by her, and who then became her best 'friend'. Hoping for some scraps to fall from the table. Girls tend to be naive about this sort of thing, because they have never been inside the head of a man. They think it's possible, and it's not.

I have female friends. But I'd never get so close to them as to confuse the boundaries of those friendships. Actually that's not true - I have confused the boundaries and also crossed them. Being honest, if I was a single guy again I wouldn't rule out the possibility that something could happen again. They're attractive, fun to be with and I'm a guy....

Whenever a man and a woman spend enough time together the overwhelming likelihood is that at least one (most likely the man) will want to progress. The OP is probably already on this road. Denying it isn't going to do any good.

comewatmay

aromantic wrote:

I have known a girl for 4 years.

The first year we had a good laugh as college buddies.

The second year we kissed on and off and had sex once but both realised a relationship wouldn't work out between us and stayed friends.

The third year we were great buddies but after spending alot of time together we developed an intimate friendship. i had feelings for her but she didn't want a relationship with me, i felt rejected but i got over it.

In our fourth year we are best friends again. I love spending time with her and little hugs. we see each other every day in college and txt eachother every other day. I'm just worried that I'll develop feelings for her again and ruin our friendship. At the moment I'm perfectly happy having a good friend.

Can a man and woman with a romantic past be friends?
or will jealousy, sexual tension and feelings of love always get in the way?

(I've been single this whole time. I am desperate for a girlfriend but things just never work out for me. either i come across too desperate or i meet desperate girls that i dont really fancy)

It cant work man, imagine some day she calls over looking real sexy, she thinks ye are just friends, ur there looking at her saying to urself jes id love a bita that now.....what happens then? you try it on,she gets freaked and your friendship is over

Marksie

aromantic wrote:

so i'll keep my distance and just treat her like one of my male friends, no cuddling or special attention - she's holding me back in the hunt for a girlfriend. so thanks again boards people. discussion closed.

That is the best OP. I have an ex who is a friend of 20+ years, we both moved on, but part of that was to go through the no special attention phase

littlesurfer

I tried so hard with my ex boyfriend to stay friends but sometimes you just have to walk away. I know there's the exception to every rule but I know most of my friends have had similar experiences to me.

It's possible to be friends with an old flame, but sometimes you need to think about yourself , and be grown up enough to know when to call it quits

little lady

I think it depends on each individual situation and whether either party still has strong feelings for the other person and how they handle these feelings.

I have been friends for the last 10 years with a guy I went out with in college; we get on great, go out with each other and ask each others advice on our love lives. I also stayed friends with a guy I was seeing while I still wanted to be with him. It was very hard and I hated seeing him with other girls but if I wanted his friendship I had to get over it and I did and we are still friends. I also have exs that I don’t see but as I said it comes down to each situation and the people involved.

nicolo

Yeah its possible but it takes alot of work, i was engaged to a girl for 2 years and we broke up (resonably ammicably) but it took almost another 2 years to get over the relationship, and even then only after both of us had been in other serious relationships, id see her now as a very close friend but i wouldnt dream of going near her. theres gonna be alot of jealousy and **** for awhile but if she means that much to you and you really dont want to lose her then just force yourself to see her as a friend. it will work. incidently its very hard to explain to new girlfriends that your best friend (or in my case 3 of my best freinds) are your exs but they have to get passed it.

_Kaiser_

It's a very tough question, but in my own experience I'm gonna say no.

The last girl I was seeing ultimately decided (10 months down the line) that she didn't want a relationship - even though we were effectively in a very close relationship already. We talked/txted all day and night, we met up and went out together etc.. for all intents and purposes we were a couple.

Anyway, after telling me this, naturally she wanted to be friends, but unfortunately I didnt want to be/couldn't be JUST friends with her at that stage (the way I saw it is that even if we did somehow manage it - unlikely anyway as I still wanted to be with her, when/if she met someone new, I'd of course have to hear about it as her best friend and be reminded of how she was never willing to give us that chance).

Plus, as someone else said, you have to consider that if you're that close to them (as we were), it's going to overshadow any future relationship you may have and that's not fair to anyone involved.

So hard as it was, I had to walk away even though I do still miss her a lot (and vice versa as she's still trying to stay in touch every few days, which only leads to a row as the sad fact is we both want two different things).