A Snatched Moment On Henry St.

shiv

You swoop in for kisses when I'm not looking
Walking me into backs of buildings
On deserted side streets mid-week
With a simple crook of your finger

I happily come hither
Travelling up the expanse of your neck
To encounter enterprising lips
All my practiced wares forgotten
Fallen to the ground like loose change

Out of slackened fingers
Superfluous and smudged with your scent
Our bodies levitating above
The sea of yellow-topped taxis
And the mundane quality of this
Otherwise ordinary Wednesday

Flattery

As beautifully intimate and carefully observed as ever, Shiv. Particularly like the first two lines of stanza three, with its effortless alliteration, and the "smudged with your scent" line. Also, the opposition of the mundane and the sublime seems to keep cropping up in your poems, which I find interesting. I am also compelled by the minutiae of intimatacy, so really enjoy your work. Keep it coming!

Bluehair

I'm not particularly into poetry at all but it wasn't clear what this was going to be from the thread title.

I'm glad i clicked though. I keep finding myself reading and re-reading this piece and enjoying it more each time. I'm damned if i can put my finger on it but there's something genuinely compelling about it. Thanks for posting it!

Blush_01

My green eyed monster strikes again! Damn you lady. Damn you to hell. (Although, as a writer, you may already be there. )

Lovely, as ever. Although lovely is an utterly inappropriate and inaccurate word. Well done sounds patronising, but it's not meant that way.

shiv

Thank you Flattery, Bluehair and of course, Blush

Wasn't sure what to make of this one when I wrote it to be honest, so I'm happy for the feedback. Flattery I appreciate your critique very much!

And Blush, so excited to see you back posting! Long overdue!!

Night_Rocker

having pretentious similes and words in your poetry does not make it good, contrary to popular belief

with awkward words it seems so robotic, like a windows poem generator or something.

shiv

Night_Rocker wrote:

having pretentious similes and words in your poetry does not make it good, contrary to popular belief

with awkward words it seems so robotic, like a windows poem generator or something.

Does it make you feel somehow better about your own work to put down everyone else's? I notice it seems to be a trend with you lately...

Don't be jealous of the positive feedback; just up your game.

Night_Rocker

i am not jealous in the slightest, but there is definitely an overload of **** heartless, emotionless poetry on this site. just no connection. i'm sorry but ugh. it just reminds of the **** that's drilled into you in school. so don't jump to any conclusions.

and it's hardly a trend if i've done it with 2 poems... 2 poems which were quite similar in lack of trying.
it's not my fault if you can't handle negative critique

shiv

Night_Rocker wrote:

i am not jealous in the slightest, but there is definitely an overload of **** heartless, emotionless poetry on this site. just no connection. i'm sorry but ugh. it just reminds of the **** that's drilled into you in school. so don't jump to any conclusions.

and it's hardly a trend if i've done it with 2 poems... 2 poems which were quite similar in lack of trying.
it's not my fault if you can't handle negative critique

Night_Rocker, there is constructive criticism and then there is negative criticism. You appear to be a fan of the latter. This forum is not about trying to get attention by shooting down people's work because you're bitter people aren't critiquing your own stuff.

I am more than capable of handling intelligent constructive criticism, as my work is far from perfect and I am always interested to hear what people think. What I find unnecessary and insulting is your antagonistic approach. There really shouldn't be any need for it if you're capable of expressing your opinion in a thoughtful, dignified way.

Night_Rocker

fine, then i found the poem lacking and i also thought that you weren't really sure what you wanted it to be. it has it's moments but overall, it's a very mediocre poem.

and stop referring to my work and waht you think the reason for my negativity is. my stuff sucks. i know that, and by all means give it whatever critique you want. but just bringing it up as a form of an argument when it was never even an issue is childish.

Sarky

That's enough.

Night_Rocker, saying your own work is rubbish gives you no right to do the same to others. Stop it now.

shiv, don't rise to the bait.

If either of you still have problems, take it to PMs.

Night_Rocker

wait, why doesn't it?

is that not simply saying even if i think my own work is crap that i cannot negatively criticise in any way? that's ridiculous!

hullaballoo

shiv wrote:

You swoop in for kisses when I'm not looking
Walking me into backs of buildings
On deserted side streets mid-week
With a simple crook of your finger

I happily come hither
Travelling up the expanse of your neck
To encounter enterprising lips
All my practiced wares forgotten
Fallen to the ground like loose change

Out of slackened fingers
Superfluous and smudged with your scent
Our bodies levitating above
The sea of yellow-topped taxis
And the mundane quality of this
Otherwise ordinary Wednesday

Nice imagery, and good contrast at the end. I enjoyed reading it.

One or two things: the way the first stanza reads made me think the poem was about rape. Maybe that was intentional, or maybe I'm alone in that perversion.

Then the middle part of the poem is really electric, before the contrast in the third stanza, but I've got this feeling that I want another stanza to make it electric again. That said, it's just my personal preference to end on a high note. It certainly is a very good poem though.

shiv

Hey hullaballoo,

Thanks so much for the feedback, I appreciate it.
Just to clarify, the poem wasn't about an attempted rape or violent attack at all! Although I guess I can sort of see why some of the 'force' imagery in the first stanza might have led you down that road...

It was really my attempt to try and get across the feeling of someone you're entranced with moving in on you for the romantic kill and being overtaken with that deliciously helpless feeling.

Argie

I love the second half! From fallen change to smudged scent is stunning!

But the first stanza made me think rape as well. I think the first half is a bit stilted but then you settle into a wonderful flow.

And to Night_Rocker. Something can't be very mediocre, the word can't be qualified. Don't use a pretentious word unless you know how to use it.