boyfriend won't help with housework

LegacyUser

I am at my wits end
My boyfriend refuses point blank to do any housework
When I say housework I mean basic cleaning up of any mess he's made.
He's in college and I work for myself from home,
I have no problem doing more than my fair share of the housework, as my work only takes up a couple of hours a day and he's in his final year.
But he's not doing any college work, he spends any spare minute playing warcraft.
He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.
He says he is sick of my moaning and that if it wasn't the housework I'd moan about something else.

Beruthiel

at wits end wrote:

He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.

Charming.
You're not the first person to hear the above from someone who's mammy clearly did everything for him when he lived at home.
He's not a teenager anymore, you're going to have to sit him down and discuss this calmly. This sort of childish behaviour can spill into the relationship if it carries on as you become more resentful. I've had to contend with this in my time. Explain to him that ye are both adults and as such, will be sharing the household chores evenly. Asign him his weekly tasks, give him a choice of half. See how that goes.

LegacyUser

Apologies
I probably should have said I am looking for some advice on how I should handle this situation, or if anyone else has had a similar situation how did you handle it.
I know it doesn't seem like much of a problem in the grand scheme of things.
I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!

dr.bollocko

Its pretty clear that he was probably mothered to bits at home and the poor sod probably couldn't even get his smalls washed without you. To be honest, it is an attitude that is very very common amongst young student males, particularly those with a preference for weed and warcraft over study and hygeine. I'd say either go with what B says in an attempt to mammy him into it, or else DTMFA if it's that big an issue for you!

In fairness, he's not being fair to you at all and not being adult about it or pulling his weight. agreed?

Nevyn

Sounds like he is treating you like his mother and the fact that you don't go out to work means you have nothing better to be doing then cleaning the house
an sure isn't that womens work.

Get a rota, get an agreement on housework or get a new bf.

tbh

at wits end wrote:

He says he doesn't care about housework, and doesn't expect me to do it either, he's quite happy to live in squalor.

ok, the harsh reality:

Your boyfriend has told you his position on this matter. He's perfectly entitled to live like a pig if he wants to (although he doesn't, does he? cause he knows you'll clean up *hint* *hint*)

You have to ask yourself: Is this a person I want to be with? Do I want to spend my time/life with someone who is not willing to put himself out in the slightest for you, even when he knows that it's important? He's saying "I want to not clean more than I want to have a relationship" and he's saying "I'm going to let you do all the work, because I know you will, and i have so little respect for you that I'm not even going to make excuses for it"

But lets be clear: he won't change of his own accord, and if you decide to stay with him, you're guilty of the same thing. Be very clear:
If you decide to continue the relationship, well I'm afraid that you're just going to have to put up with that.

if it were me, I'd say to him "I'm not going to live like a pig, and I'm not going to be disrespected like that. I'm off." Don't threaten him that you'll leave if he doesn't change - just go. I have a feeling that the place will be sparkling before the weekend, and if not, no great loss.

humanji

This sounds like a joke answer, but it's not. With-hold sex from him and you'll soon find yourself with the cleanest house known to human kind.

DAVE_K

I'd have to go with TBH on this one to be honest - some people are just the way they are - there's no point trying to change them - you either gotta put up or get out. I was living with a girl some years back who couldn't go shag all around the place - i mean her fair share, not everything - sometimes she'd be too lazy to even shower. I was cleaning the place and doing everything, she couldn't be arsed cos her mother had done everything for her. In the end that and a combination of other things led me to leave. I remember calling around to see her every now and then and seeing plates with food on them (and mold growing on it) lying around for weeks on end - it all helped to strenghten my resolve that i did the right thing.

tbh

humanji wrote:

This sounds like a joke answer, but it's not. With-hold sex from him and you'll soon find yourself with the cleanest house known to human kind.

see the problem there is that it starts a war of attrition - he won't give in out of principle, and she won't because she wants to save face. It goes for a week, then two, then a month, pretty soon you're living with a stranger. From the sound of her b/f, if it wasn't the cleaning, it'd be something else that responsible adults have to do everyday, which he wants to be exempted from. As the doc said, DTMFA.

dan savage kicks ass. and probably other stuff too, but lets stay on topic

Avns1s

Thaedydal wrote:

an sure isn't that womens work.

Isn't it??????????

LegacyUser

If I gave him a list of chores he'd tell me to F#*K OFF

With holding sex! that is not an option coz after I brought up the subject of the housework he's not talking to me really. we're just being civil to eachother, sex is probably the last thing on his mind, its certainly the last on my mind at the moment.

I've let it fester and I have been pretty pissed off for a while now, as a result I've not really been great company, Its a vicious circle, He doesn't do any housework, I get pissed off and moan, he retreats to his room to play warcraft and does even less, and so it goes.

I've tried the not doing any housework thing, I let it go for over a week, I eventually gave in, every pot and pan cup plate was filty. One pot even had mould on it.

There was a time there that he would leave skid marks on the toilet bowl, He now cleans them off, He thinks he's fantastic for doing this.

I love cooking, he thinks because of this I should be happy doing all the cooking and that it isn't a chore for me, therefore me doing the cooking shouldn't warrant anything in return from him.

He says I'm a martyr and that there's no pleasing me,he says I'm miserable all the time.

Thanks for the replies

I agree very much with tbh. He has no respect for you, both in refusing to clean up and in telling you to stop moaning. Tell him you won't be treated like that, you won't live like a pig, and you're off. Better off that way than someone who doesn't even care about something important to you.

challengemaster

Thaedydal wrote:

Get a rota, get an agreement on housework or get a new bf.

definatly sounds like the best thing to do. no point being treated like shít over it, so if he continues to refuse after a good talk about it, ditch him

free2fly

Tell him you're not his maid or his mother so grow up and start acting like an adult.

milod

@Humanjii - gotta disagree with the withholding strategy - it's damn clever, and might work like a treat, but it's the start of the rot. You should NEVER barter or use sex as a commodity in a relationship - my ex tried it once, she didn't get a second chance...

@OP - you need to get some backbone here - how badly do you need this loser?! He's a slob and plays warcraft all day!! You won't change him, but you need to set a bottom line for yourself and decide how low you are prepared to go!

Seriously, dump him - anyone who can live in squalor and be so immature and utterly uncompromising on such an issue cannot have any self-respect.

Zebra3

Stop washing his clothes.

If that doesn't work, dump him.

He sounds like an idiot and if he doesn't cop himself on, don't waste any more time on him. Then try and find a grown up to go out with.

Nala82

ok.. u have to ask yourself, do u really really want to be with a person like him? seriously, how disrespectful and lazy is he....
start thinking about urself for a change! tell him to ship up or ship out! simple as. why do u put up with s**t like that?

Nevyn

What happens if you stay with him and have children ?
Kids make soooo much mess ad you are constantly pickingup after them
sounds like he would step over them as well as the mess they created
and would ignore them and what ever they are at.

Silverfish

Been there, done that.

He is not going to change, I tried going on strike, doing everything and pointing it out, asking and being told 'I'll do it later / this weekend / next week' , shouting, begging and nothing worked.

Best advice - and I know you probably won't take it - pack your bags and go. Can you imagine what its going to be like 5 or 10 years down the line, possibly with children - and you still have to do everything?

Just to add - whatever you decide to do, do it now, because it *will* spill over into other aspects of your life together, if you're like me, the fact he won't listen to you on something as basic as cleaning shows a major lack of understanding and respect, and will start to wear you down.

bug

Don't do anything for him, and do all your own house work.
Don't cook for him. Don't clean for him. DO NOTHING. No matter how much you might be tempted because of the filth.

Let the place go to pot except for your own bits and what's necessary.

He is impervious to the knacker that he is, so there is no point in going on at him. Don't say anything, and don't get bitchy about it. POINTLESS.

In a few weeks time when you get totally pissed off, pack the bin bag with rubbish, double pack it, (so it doesn't leak) and put it in his bed with the covers over it. (you can make arms, legs and head for the fun of it if you want)

DON'T BITCH

Then progressively move all the crap he creates on the way or around the PC (cups etc).

If none of this works then move out.

4Xcut

at wits end wrote:

He says he is sick of my moaning and that if it wasn't the housework I'd moan about something else.

If he's a relativly hygenic person, call this bluff.

LegacyUser

4Xcut wrote:

If he's a relativly hygenic person, call this bluff.

What eactly do you mean?

astrofool

Sounds like a kid, treat him like one, take away his internet (then leave)

Oryx

You honestly must love this guy to put up with him. He is treating you like his own personal maid, and you are just taking it. Seriously if this guy was simply a lodger in your house youd have him out on his ear! He sounds like he has no respect for you, and believe me, it will only get worse if you let him away with it now.
You may have to face up to ending it with him.

Nala82

question for "at wits end".... what do u love about this guy? seriously,ur being treated like a door mat!

loismustdie

i know this sounds harsh but it's not about the housework its about his attitude towards you so dump him. don't let him change because deep down that's who he is, he cares only about what he wants and has the cheek to give you the silent treatment. dont worry he'll never meet a girl who will put up with it so he will learn and be so sorry, or if he does meet one they deserve ech other. please don't try to change him, if you think you can and he promises sum, moon and stars when you say you;re finishing it please don't believe it as he doesn't really care about your feelings

Black Swan

at wits end wrote:

He says I'm a martyr and that there's no pleasing me,he says I'm miserable all the time.

You will be if you continue living with him? Decision time?

LegacyUser

''

Nala82 wrote:

question for "at wits end".... what do u love about this guy? seriously,ur being treated like a door mat!

I really do love him, but at the moment I can't stand him.

We've been together for almost 9 years, We've been living together for almost a year now, we lived together when we were younger, but that was totally different, we were living in a kippy flat in town and were living a much more hectic lifestyle, This wasn't an issue then like it is now.

Before we moved in together this time I did have reservations, He said he would make more of an effort. I just keep thinking this is totally ridiculous and it would be a shame to break up over housework. I kinda think it’s a bit bizarre, refusing point blank to any housework.

To be honest I think it’s a symptom of a bigger issue. He's not ready to grow up, in some way he equates making an effort to do some housework as being domesticated, settled, tied down. He doesn't want to be settled down with me, simple as!

I definitely have a decision to make, Thanks a million to everyone who gave advice, I am seeing things much more clearly now.''

Talliesin

'Except in cases of on-going violence I never say "just dump him" in PI, because as long as both people are in a place where they want things to work there's still hope.

Can't really think of anything else to say here though.'

nesf

at wits end wrote:

What eactly do you mean?

Call his bluff if he isn't the kind of person who could live in complete squalor. If he's the kind of person who likes being able to walk without hearing something break or enjoys eating off plates that aren't covered in mould then he'll break.*


*Note, keep a set of clean ware carefully hidden for yourself somewhere and memorise paths through the clutter just in case...



That said, all the comments about dumping him are something that I wouldn't agree with. Bigger things have been thrashed out and sorted by couples, and usually some compromise can be reached (if he doesn't like washing up, get him to hoover, if he doesn't like housework in general find other things that could be done).

Also, as having done the going out with a neat freak thing and the sharing a house with a person who cleans compulsively, people do have a right to a certain amount of clutter acceptance in their lives. I'm not thinking of food being left out, or knives that had been used to cut meat being left out unwashed on the counter, but of bits of clutter here and there. Some people have completely unreasonable expectations of cleanliness with regard to their partners, not that I'm accusing the OP of this, it's just the bandwagon of "he's a mommy's boy, dump him" ignores this very real possibility.

kelle

I have only one piece of advice - dump the f**ker! If his attitude to housework is like this, then just think if you have children he's going to leave it all to you. Imagine the scenario - you're stuck with the children 24/7, he goes to work followed by the gym followed by the pub or a visit to his mammy to be pampered. Your own social life will go down the drain.You read about this situation in problem pages all the time. You don't need this. There are plenty of guys out there who are considerate and will be terrific around the house, you don't need to be with this loser.
Failing that, the only other piece of advice I can offer you is to drop your standards and gradually allow yourself to get used to living in a dirty house. Because you will never, ever change his ways and you'll work yourself into an early grave if you try to.

NextSteps

Although my partner is much, much better than this, I can sympathise to a point. I suspect there's something about some men - or people who were catered for too well as children, and that's usually men - that makes them not see mess. If you're the sort of person who sees mess, and who can't relax in a messy room or when things need to be done (I know the feeling!), you're in danger of being labelled a moan or, worse, a nag. Or you're likely to do the lion's share of the work.

I don't know what the solution is. Giving him a list of tasks isn't satisfactory: I think that what you want is for him to NOTICE what needs doing, and then to DO it.

Dr_Teeth

Delete his main WoW character, that should bring home to him the seriousness of the situation!

LegacyUser

'It sounds like he doesn't repect you very much and is taking you for granted. Are ye both paying equal rent... when you say you work from 'home'... do you own the house etc?
I think alot depends on if you do pay equal rent etc.. if you do, then he probably feels that he can do whatever he wanted. I just reckon, if he was afraid of losing you+ really cared about you, then he would clear up his mess out of respect for you, as you're the one who is working at home all day+ has to put up with it. Do you really want to be with someone like that?... there's a book.. it's called something along the lines of 'why ment like bitches'... an interesting humorous read...'

limklad

dr.bollocko wrote:

To be honest, it is an attitude that is very very common amongst young student males,

You need to say I total disagree. When I was in collage and looking for accommodation, several house owners told me, that he would not rent out to girls, because of lots of experience with them destroying his houses. He initially rented to girls because he though that the house would be fine. He had lots of trouble with girls tenants. He then rent out to boys and then found the complete opposite. I hear more horror stories about girls in rented houses than I do about boys in collage. Some who are total freaks about spotless cleaning or the complete opposite trash the place.
OP
Yes there are idiots out there, who do not respect or care about doing their bit.
When I first started working after college, the First house I was in, which was clean and nice. We kept it nice and then a room came free, and the landlord let in his soccer buddy into the house. Big disaster, he left huge mess after him, sat around watching TV all day, and every month he gets his mother to clean up after him and washes his clothes. He would not give any money for paying the bills and was stealing our food and say that he saw the other guy taking it. We ended up locking things away and he broke the locks. We complaint several times about him (landlord believe his buddy) and so did the neighbors.
We moved out after 3 months (already had 9 month of the yearly contract) leaving himself there and for the landlord to deal with him.
Most of my experience in rented accommodation, it is the minority (mainly mummy boys and girls who did everything for them), are the ones who will always causes the biggest headaches in life.
You best bet is to break up with him unless you want to marry him and be his slave for the rest of you life.

limklad

at wits end wrote:

To be honest I think it’s a symptom of a bigger issue. He's not ready to grow up, in some way he equates making an effort to do some housework as being domesticated, settled, tied down. He doesn't want to be settled down with me, simple as!

Why did he and you move in together? This is the biggest step in settling down.
He is using you and wants you to do what he only wants.
He has answered you question about your long term future through his behavior, which is NO FUTURE as a couple.
You are his Free servant in every way (just like his mammy) and a free ride whenever he in the mood to.

iguana

bug wrote:

Don't do anything for him, and do all your own house work.
Don't cook for him. Don't clean for him. DO NOTHING. No matter how much you might be tempted because of the filth.

Let the place go to pot except for your own bits and what's necessary.

In a few weeks time when you get totally pissed off, pack the bin bag with rubbish, double pack it, (so it doesn't leak) and put it in his bed with the covers over it. (you can make arms, legs and head for the fun of it if you want)

DON'T BITCH

Then progressively move all the crap he creates on the way or around the PC (cups etc).

Apart from the bold paragraph I'd agree with this. (His bed is her bed, so I doubt she'd want to sleep with rubbish.

Ime as long as the mess is cleared up many men are actually unaware of the work that goes into stopping a house from sliding into a complete tip. I'm a complete slob, so I'm being a bit hypocritical here.:o But a week isn't long enough. You need to let everything become a complete mess. Make sure he has no clean clothes, especially underwear. He is possibly so slobby that when he first runs out of clean underwear he will buy some more. If you do this, you have to be prepared to out last him. And obviously as you work from home, it will get to you more.

But it will either cop him on, or make you less sensitive to mess. (It's what happened to me when I tried this tactic.) Either way you will find a compromise you can both live with.

The Sweeper

Yep. Stop doing the invisible tasks.

Launder nothing. No clothes, tea cloths, towels.
Don't hoover.
Don't dust.
Don't even pick up the post. Leave the mail that doesn't belong to you on the floor.
Don't wash any floors.
Don't clean the loo.
Don't rinse the soap scum off the sink.
Don't clean the bath or shower.
Don't do any dishes.
Don't put anything away.

For a week or so, revel in being a slob yourself and make an even bigger goddamned mess than he does. Buy a sleeping bag and sleep in it, on your bed, so you don't have to sleep in skanky, unchanged sheets.

Eventually, either he'll cop on, or he's too stupid for words.

iguana

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Buy a sleeping bag and sleep in it, on your bed, so you don't have to sleep in skanky, unchanged sheets.

Ooohhhh! Good idea.

And they will get skanky fast when he can't take a shower as he has no clean towels.:D

_Kaiser_

Just dump him already. He clearly has no respect for you and is betting on the fact that no matter what you say, you'll end up doing all the housework anyway (just like mammy did).

I disagree with the idea of not bothering either then though. Why should you live in a pig sty to make a point to a guy who clearly isn't listening already and doesn't seem to care anyway. If he's sitting playing Warcraft all night instead, it sounds like he needs to grow up anyway.

Actually.. I take back part of the above.. do help him out, by packing all your stuff and leaving! You deserve better than to be treated like a maid/substitute mammy!

(and I'm a guy btw.. not a neatness freak, but I wouldn't live like that)

simu

Try turning housework into an rpg where you get points for doing tasks and level up like in WOW?

I'm another (occasional) WOW widow!

nesf

simu wrote:

I'm another (occasional) WOW widow!

Pfft, I barely play once a week tbh.

Your idea is also unworkable, unless they start selling some form of epic washing up liquid that you have to wash 10,000 spoons in order to be eligible to purchase.

The Sweeper

First, you have to use the cheap-ass unbranded lemon liquid of watery doom.

When the bottle is gone, you can level-up to a branded variety.

Your highest level is Fairy Power Spray. That's when we start giving you acoutrements like the teflon-safe sponge/scrubber +4.

/me gets coat.

Borat_Sagdiyev

When was the last time this guy surprised you with a bunch of flowers? (has he ever?)

When was the last time he went out for a drink with just you?

When was the last time he did ANYTHING in ANY way nice, for you, and not for an ulterior motive? (ie to get back on your good side for whatever reason)

If you can't get satisfactory answers to those questions, then what the hell are you doing with this fella?

Procrastinator

Don't mean to be rude but,
Are you his Ma or his girlfriend?
he sounds like that sulky teenager on the Harry Enfield Show...
You're in your twenties yes? you want a child now so?
not yet you say?...sounds like you already have one, and he's guilted you into acceptance of all kinds of rubbish behaviour on his part.

Good god... Who pays the bills in the house if he's in College and you're working from home?
I hope that you don't pay for everything. But if you do, that's why he's treating you like his Ma. Time to cut those aporon strings girl! Give him his freedom, from nagging, your moodiness, your resentment, your withholding of 'relations', but of course freedom from that also means he'll be equally free from your tidyness, your cleaning up after his mess, your cooking, and your breadwinning!
Anyway, I'll finish now. Can feel myself getting annoyed.


A few years ago in University, a house of 4 lads told me that a girl was comming down to their hgouse and cooking for them about three times a week. They couldn't understand why she was doing it, but none of them said anything because they couldn't be bothered cooking for themselves when they had someone willing to do it for them...they just let her do it.
To her face they were really friendly, but to me and behind her back to everyone else they thought she was thick.
That conversation was a serious eye-opener.
Good luck.

kelle

simu wrote:

Try turning housework into an rpg where you get points for doing tasks and level up like in WOW?

I'm another (occasional) WOW widow!

What does WOW mean?

dr.bollocko

World of Warcraft
Its an Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. Or MMORPG, cos thats clearly much easier to say!

greenteaicedtea

He says he is sick of my moaning and that if it wasn't the housework I'd moan about something else.

If it wasn't the housework he was slackign off on, it would be something else, IMO

I'd say leave him outright, or live apart instead.

nesf

kelle wrote:

What does WOW mean?

It's also known as Warcrack, due to it's addictive tendencies.