Mental Torture

Rockstar*

Hi Guys, my girlfriend whom I totally love to death is bugging the **** out of me right now to be honest. Im 25 and shes 23-we've being going out for 8 months.

She has always been crap at communicating with me such as texting ,calling me or even the way she says things to me sometimes its as though theyre said to wind me up.

I AM a little paranoid in charachter to be honest but with this situation I really feel as though she is creating a problem. Lately her thing to do is not respond to my text/call messages for hours (Ive brought this up before so she knows it bugs me) and then afterwards I'll find out that she wasnt even up to anything at all and just didnt bother replying - the thing about this that annoys me now is that I think(almost sure) shes doing it JUST to get at me...the last thing I want to do is argue so I hate these silly games she seems to be playing and Ive already made this clear but it still happens!

To say its driving me nuts is just the tip of the iceberg cause i love her so so much and while in the past I could have easily broken up with someone over such a thing its eating me right now cause I cant bear the thought of being without her...any advice on what to do-I find it hard NOT to keep in touch and the last few times Ive tried ignoring her I still didnt hear from her?

I know she loves me too by the way and think this is subconciously why she does these things to keep me guessing but I wonder if she would keep doing them if she realised Im going to start going off her if she keeps up(something i obviously cant tell her):rolleyes:

Beruthiel

Tell her you're not interested in silly games.
Tell her you want straight up communication and nothing else.
Talk to her about what's bothering you and come to a decision based on that conversation.

BoozyBabe

Why can't you tell her?

Isn't that exactly what you SHOULD be telling her?

You love her, yet she's wrecking your head, & it's only been 8 months.
You've told her how you feel, yet she ignores this & continues to do it.

You need to tell her, cos if you don't, you will go off her & eventually will leave her & if she really does love you she'll wish you had've said something.

Black Swan

OK, my turn to play devil's advocate... Is there a chance that you are being a little too possessive? Only you and her can answer this question? Maybe a topic you may want to discuss with her? This may not be the case, but we have only heard your side of the story and don't really know how she feels.

tbh

basically, you are saying that you have a problem with being paranoid, and she needs to modify her behaviour because of your issue.

IMO, the problem lies with you. If she doesn't want to reply to your texts, she doesn't have to.

You need to decide if you want to keep going out with her, but (and I don't mean any offense by this) it sounds to me like you have control issues, and her behaviour is a reaction to yours - she's doing it to wind you up, because you nagging her to reply is winding her up.

In this kind of situation, even if you break up with her, you'll most likely run into similar issues with your next g/f, unless she's a total doormat.

r3nu4l

Hmm, To be honest, to me you come off as being very needy! How often are you texting/calling her? If I received ten or twenty calls/texts a day I'd go mad and would consider that mental torture of me. Think about it.

Loving someone also means giving them a bit of space. Ask her if she feels you are crowding her too much. If she says no then ask her why she doesn't respond.

Relationships are all about communication, talking to one another, not bombarding your other half with texts/calls all day.

If you can clarify the number of texts etc you are sending you might get a better insight.

Rockstar*

Ok guys Im being 100% honest here because Im not stupid enough to fool myself-Ive been through enough and consider myself wise enough not to do that.

The reason I said Im paranoid is because I Am a little paranoid from time to time,its something I realised and accepted a few years back that I cannot shake off. What I HAVE done however is control this paranoia by never ever acting upon it ie.I deal with it myself.

I feel I know when Im being totally paranoid about something but in this case deep down I think I know (spare the slight contradiction) that Im not.

I give my girlfriend a LOT of space to do things with friends & family and never once have I complained or wanted to complain about this-I know its the wrong road to take in a relationship. If I text or call my girlfriend it'll be once maybe some evening, Unless of course I get a reply Ill obv text a few more times. There have been times lately where we havent seen or talked to each other for a few days(fair enough esp as I know she enjoys this time to herself) and I will THEN call or text to say hello-its at this very time I get most annoyed If I dont get a reply or see any attempt by her to get back to me.

Im not trying to change her & Im in no way controlling. I just think shes playing games with me by ignoring me like this.

tbh

Rockstar* wrote:

Ok guys Im being 100% honest here because Im not stupid enough to fool myself-Ive been through enough and consider myself wise enough not to do that.

The reason I said Im paranoid is because I Am a little paranoid from time to time,its something I realised and accepted a few years back that I cannot shake off. What I HAVE done however is control this paranoia by never ever acting upon it ie.I deal with it myself.

I feel I know when Im being totally paranoid about something but in this case deep down I think I know (spare the slight contradiction) that Im not.

I give my girlfriend a LOT of space to do things with friends & family and never once have I complained or wanted to complain about this-I know its the wrong road to take in a relationship. If I text or call my girlfriend it'll be once maybe some evening, Unless of course I get a reply Ill obv text a few more times. There have been times lately where we havent seen or talked to each other for a few days(fair enough esp as I know she enjoys this time to herself) and I will THEN call or text to say hello-its at this very time I get most annoyed If I dont get a reply or see any attempt by her to get back to me.

Im not trying to change her & Im in no way controlling. I just think shes playing games with me by ignoring me like this.

ok fair enough, from your op it sounded like you were flooding her with calls and texts. Long story short: she's not willing to put the same effort into the relationship as you are, so I think you should look somewhere else. Dump her first, of course.

r3nu4l

I'd say talk to her about it again and explain why it's off-putting for you. Ask her to make a bit more effort. Ask her straight-out why she doesn't reply. Tell her you're a bit insulted that she doesn't see fit to make the effort to contact you when you've obvioulsy made an effort with her.

Don't be afraid to have a few words with her because if you intend to be together on a really long-term basis then you are going to have to get used to it. All couples have arguments, try to avoid it but if it becomes necessary don't shy away form it for the sake of a bit of peace! See what she says and go from there.

Kell

Rockstar* wrote:

I just think shes playing games with me by ignoring me like this.

When relationships begin, guessing games end. You have wasted 8 months with someone who needs to grow the fúck up and stop taking the píss.

Not a generalisation, but a lot of girls of her age, keep up the games into the relationship while not getting the fact that they are a) driving you up the wall and b) not treating you with very much respect at all. Its like wanting a relationship and to be chased at the same time.

Advice- stop being a fúcking doormat. She knows she has you wound round her little finger, so impolitely tell her to grow the fúck up and stop wasting your time the next time she pulls her little stunt. If she doesnt change it, lose the twat.

Rockstar* wrote:

its eating me right now cause I cant bear the thought of being without her

You'll be fine without her. In fact, just think, you wont have someone píssing you off and driving you demented every five minutes. If you cant see this, you may just need a stick and some dark glasses.

8 months is a short period of time. Do you want to waste another x amount of time before you figure out she is treating you like a doormat?

K-

Rockstar*

Thanks for the advice. Just about the last post we actually already had that discussion-but it still happens!!

Im not going to dump her by the way-I just want to do something about it-just not sure what...Im thinking of ignoring her in the same way but while I know this will bother her Im afraid she'll be put off by it and it will work against me!! In saying that Id be playing games the too :rolleyes:

tbh

Rockstar* wrote:

Thanks for the advice. Just about the last post we actually already had that discussion-but it still happens!!

Im not going to dump her by the way-I just want to do something about it

well then you are going to have to learn to deal with it - simple as that. It's like this.

In any relationship, there's give and take. You have a requirement that your g/f keeps in regular contact. She doesn't want to. So what can you do?

1. Learn to ignore your need for her to contact you more regularly.
2. Get her to change her behaviour.
3. Find someone else who's better suited to you.

It sounds like you're never going to be able to change her, and fwiw, I don't think that you should try. If you can do 1. you're grand, but if not, your only option is 3. Just make sure you understand that she's not going to change.

"Every time I stick my hand in the fire, it gets burned. What should I do? Please understand that I'm not going to stop sticking my hand in the fire. Advice please".

you see my point?

Kell

Rockstar* wrote:

Just about the last post we actually already had that discussion-but it still happens!!

Then you do need a stick and dark glasses. Jeebus man, pull your head out of your rear and walk away.

Lets see the facts-

1) She knows she is driving you up the wall
2) You have discussed this with her
3) She still plays her childrens schoolyard games
4) She still treats you like a lapdog, doormat <insert preference>
5) You lap it up and play along with her stupidity

What the fúck is wrong with you? Surely you should be asking yourself "if she had any sort of respect for me, my feelings and the relationship, she would cut this out". No? Why not??

TBH's points are quite like mine. Why do you keep picking up the fork and jamming it into your eye? You wouldnt do it with a real fork, yet you do it with an emotional one.

So the advice from all so far is-

A) Talk to her- you have tried with no success
Walk away- you wont because you cant see the wood for the trees

So- what is it you are actually going to do? Oh thats right- you are going to moan a bit further and do nothing about your predicament.

K-

_blank_

How old are you, and how old is she?

The behaviour you describe; a few days with no contact, then you initiate contact, then she ignores it, then your head gets wrecked - honestly you sound like a couple of thirteen year olds.

You say you have said it to her already, told her it annoys the fúck out of you, yet she still continues with it. Why are you still wasting your time with this woman?

How can you 'love' someone who, as you say, is mentally torturing you?

And don't even go down the road of playing the game back on her. Childish to say the least.

This is NOT a healthy relationship.

little lady

You said that you have already discussed this with your girlfriend, has she told you why she does this;

a) She is purposely doing this to drive you nuts in which case you need to tell her to stop or dump her OR
b) she just doesn’t go around with her mobile permanently attached to her which could mean she’s not doing it on purpose but just doesn’t get your texts or missed calls for a few hours (although not replying for a few days is a bit much in anyone’s book), in which case you need to relax.

After 8 months she shouldn’t be really playing games with you and you shouldn’t start playing them with her, they are childish and will only make matters worse.

If you don’t want to break up with her then you need to get over this or break-up with her. If she is not going to change her habit or make more of an effort for you then these are your only two options. The choice is yours.

Rockstar*

Ok all points understood and taken on board however look at it from my point of view-the bigger picture

1. Im in love with her

2. When we're together its as though we're made for each other-far far far more so than I could imagine with anyone else.

3. I know that she loves me too

Ive been lucky enough to have been in love once before but this time I feel is a lot more serious to be honest

My point in posting was to look for advice on how I could work this out-Im sure couples have worked bigger problems than this out before

Breaking up now isnt an option so maybe youre right,maybe I should pick up my stick and dark glasses and try to hold onto and work something out that a lot of people spend a lifetime in search of! You see-Its not as simple as just get rid of her you'll find someone else--We've been together 8 months and taking it slow but I could see us together for a long long time if I can do something to change whats happening at the moment-How many people here have met someone they feel that way about?

tbh

Rockstar* wrote:

How many people here have met someone they feel that way about?

pretty much all of us, after we've dumped or been dumped by the ones we are glad we're not with anymore.

Serious question: What do you want us to tell you to do? Everyone (pretty much) is telling you to leave this girl. Are you saying you are right and everyone else is wrong? Do you want us to tell you how to change her behaviour?

little lady

Ok you are saying that breaking up is not on the cards at all, so here are your choices;
1) Ignore it, and get over it
2) Talk to her again and make sure that she understands where you are coming from and although you don’t want to change her you want her to change this habit out of consideration and love for you.

If she is not willing to change and you are not willing to break up with her then there is no fix to this issue.

And yes people get over bigger issues than this in relationships, its called compromise and your girlfriend doesn’t seem to want to do this!

Kell

little lady wrote:

its called compromise and your girlfriend doesn’t seem to want to do this!

QTF*.

OP- "I love her" is just the weakest excuse ever not to dump someone when they are treating you like shíte.

Take off the rose coloured glasses and see the reality that the rest of us can.

K-

*I cant believe I just said that. <vomiting noises>

tbh

Kell wrote:

*I cant believe I just said that.

you didn't really, read it again

_blank_

Rockstar* wrote:

3. I know that she loves me too

Yeah, because when you explain to her that actions, that she could easily try to change, are causing you some headwreckedness she doesn't do a damn thing about it?

These are the actions of someone who loves you? Really?

Rockstar* wrote:

My point in posting was to look for advice on how I could work this out-Im sure couples have worked bigger problems than this out before

Fair enough, and the advice is that you should talk to her. BUT, you've already done this, and your head is still wrecked, and she hasn't listened to you, or taken on board what you said to her.

Next step? Try again, one more chance maybe, then you have to get out, because this is not a loving relationship imo.

Now, Kell - do you run an opticians or something?

Kell wrote:

If you cant see this, you may just need a stick and some dark glasses.

Kell wrote:

Take off the rose coloured glasses and see the reality that the rest of us can.

Kell

seansouth wrote:

Now, Kell - do you run an opticians or something?

Why yes. The OP should come and get tested for a fancy new pair of just in stock, very unpopular "reality glasses". They are not selling well. Must be because people keep bumping into trees on the way over to my shop. Its in the woods you see.

K-

Rockstar*

Shut up Kell, I was listening to your advice until you started insinuating I was some sort of idiot.

Im in a **** situation here it doesnt help with you branding me blind and giving out about me "moaning a but further" I thought thats what PI was for?

You might be right with what you are saying and so might everyone else but at least have a bit of sensitivity about the matter

Beruthiel

Rockstar
Calm down.

Kell may not be the most subtle person in the world but everything he has said has been straight and to the point. It's clearly not what you want to here so you're getting upset.

There are no magic solutions to your problem to make it alright.
You either discuss with her and it comes right. If it doesn't come right then you deal with that situation in the only logical way there is.
Love don't make everything suddenly alright if both parties aren't interested in making it happen. This is something you will have to deal with, painful and all as that is. I know that from experience, so does Kell.
Take a break and think about it.

secret_squirrel

I cant help but feel you are making a mountain out of a molehill about this.


So she's a bad communicator by phone. Big deal. Stop being so insecure about it, she's probably like it with everyone. Why should you be so special? You arent joined at the hip you know.

Probably my closest friend in the world is exactly like your girlfriend. He either ignores calls and texts or claims he didnt get them, and he does it with all his circle of friends and his girlfriend as well. Its probably half laziness and half just a minor personality trait.

We've now been friends for only 30 years. It wouldnt have lasted half that long if I had been as uptight as you. Sure sometimes its annoying, but learn to get over it and stop being so needy.

Its only a big deal if you chose to make it one. She probably can't comprehend why this is such an issue for you.

Some people just arent great communicators with the phone.

limklad

Rockstar* wrote:

Hi Guys, my girlfriend whom I totally love to death is bugging the **** out of me right now to be honest. Im 25 and shes 23-we've being going out for 8 months.

She has always been crap at communicating with me such as texting ,calling me or even the way she says things to me sometimes its as though theyre said to wind me up.

I AM a little paranoid in charachter to be honest but with this situation I really feel as though she is creating a problem. Lately her thing to do is not respond to my text/call messages for hours (Ive brought this up before so she knows it bugs me) and then afterwards I'll find out that she wasnt even up to anything at all and just didnt bother replying - the thing about this that annoys me now is that I think(almost sure) shes doing it JUST to get at me...the last thing I want to do is argue so I hate these silly games she seems to be playing and Ive already made this clear but it still happens!

To say its driving me nuts is just the tip of the iceberg cause i love her so so much and while in the past I could have easily broken up with someone over such a thing its eating me right now cause I cant bear the thought of being without her...any advice on what to do-I find it hard NOT to keep in touch and the last few times Ive tried ignoring her I still didnt hear from her?

I know she loves me too by the way and think this is subconciously why she does these things to keep me guessing but I wonder if she would keep doing them if she realised Im going to start going off her if she keeps up(something i obviously cant tell her):rolleyes:

She will keep doing these thing because she knows it will continue to bug you and she get a thrill out of it. YOU ARE AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE ONE because you are so insecure.
Also saying that you need to give her her own space, because YOU DO NOT OWN HER. If you truely love her you need to give her the space and room and let her do what she wants. If she did the same to you, how would you react if she constantly hover and wants you to be at her beck and call.

secret_squirrel

limklad wrote:

YOU ARE AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE ONE because you are so insecure.

I disagree massively. This isnt about the OP at all. Its normal behaviour for his GF. There is no malice or manipulation going on imo, she's just crap on the phone. Its hardly a crime.

I would bet she is like that with her mates too.

OP - Ask her mates. I bet 1000 boards.ie dollas that they experience the same problems as you.

ionapaul

Is it really an ever-so-important thing to reply immediately to the texts of friends / family? I only got my 1st mobile at the old age of 26, 4 years ago, but I am one of those people who get a text or voicemail, even (eek! I'm so bad!) those containing a question, and reply when I feel like, be it three hours or two days later. If the text is 'hey, how's it going?', even from a close friend or a girlfriend, they would be lucky to get a reply within 24 hours to such a general and frankly meaningless question. Why would you assume someone who doesn't immediately respond to efforts at communication is playing a game?
No-one is ever going to get into my head enough to get me to reply immediately to texts, that is not how I work and I would really resent it if I knew anyone who expected it.

Chinafoot

secret_squirrel wrote:

I cant help but feel you are making a mountain out of a molehill about this.


So she's a bad communicator by phone. Big deal. Stop being so insecure about it, she's probably like it with everyone. Why should you be so special? You arent joined at the hip you know.

Probably my closest friend in the world is exactly like your girlfriend. He either ignores calls and texts or claims he didnt get them, and he does it with all his circle of friends and his girlfriend as well. Its probably half laziness and half just a minor personality trait.

We've now been friends for only 30 years. It wouldnt have lasted half that long if I had been as uptight as you. Sure sometimes its annoying, but learn to get over it and stop being so needy.

Its only a big deal if you chose to make it one. She probably can't comprehend why this is such an issue for you.

Some people just arent great communicators with the phone.

Agree with this one.

I am absolutely crap when it comes to my mobile phone. Any of my friends will tell you that when they text me or call me they don't really expect me to answer straight away at this stage. They know what I'm like and they know that it's nothing personal. The same goes for my boyfriend. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to people and sometimes I have no idea where my phone is.

OP, you come across as being very needy and to be honest I agree that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. This "problem" is your problem and the only way it will be fixed is if you realise that chances are she isn't playing games with you...she's just crap when it comes to the phone. You have admitted you get paranoid and I think in this case your paranoia and insecurities are making this into a bigger issue that it really is.

Maybe she's the type of person (like me) who needs space away from people every now and then, hence the no contact for a few days. Granted, no contact at all seems a little extreme but who knows what was going on with her when that happened?

I don't agree that you should dump her but I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to go down that road if you continue to make such a big deal out of this.

nobodythere

You sound a bit paranoid.

Some people hate to be in constant contact with others, it's very smothering. I did it for a year and a half with an ex and I'd never do it again. Some people just need their space and their own life and their time alone and can't involve someone completely in their life.

I sense you distrust her also and think there's something else going on?

lucernarian

Rockstar*, I think you should show her your first post on this thread, or at least tell her in similar words, so that you are properly up-front with her.

To be honest, something struck me and I'm kinda suprised that I noticed something like this in a post. The amount of times you say "I". Your posts on here look completely self-absorbed. Take a step back and see how churlish your posts are. I think that just as much as you like quick replies to texts and whatnot, she likes to reply to things in her own good time.

She is not trying to spite you as if she was, the relationship would have fallen apart before she got to the stage of using texts to annoy you, in all likeliness.

If you don't get used to your girlfriend's wants and needs, if they differ to yours like that, then you two are probably better off going your separate ways. Relationships with that kind of friction don't work out well.

Edit: Sorry about dragging up a relatively old post on PI.