Girlfriend wrecking my head over her weight

LegacyUser

Last night my gf told me she hadn't been eating much that day and had a bad headache because of it.She told me she's back on calorie counting, and is watching what she eats and doing detoxes. She also said that she feels her legs look chunky and her weight went up after she stopped excercising regularly a couple of months ago, and said when she went to weigh herself she was disgusted. She also says she sometimes thinks Im disgusted with her body, and want her to lose weight.She said she knows this isn't what I'm thinking, but these thoughts get into her mind anyway.

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her? Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox) and I excercise regularly + look very fit. She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me) but I only do it for detox.

I told her I love her all I can, and will support her, but sometimes this weight issue wrecks my head.

I should also state that she reads tons of those stupid thrashy celeb mags, and they are always on about celeb weight, etc. maybe this affects her? I can't control what she reads so sometimes I cringe when I see the thrash she puts into mind.

free2fly

What advice are you seeking OP? The only person that can answer what is affecting her is her.

hardCopy

How long do you typically go without eating?

Surely periods of starvation can't be good for your own body and can only set a bad example for her.

LegacyUser

I'm just asking what is best to do, and are most women this obsessive about weight? Do most women take it this seriously, or is she verging on having serious psychological issues?

Am I doing something wrong in this relationship? We give each other so much love and intimacy... I don't know why she feels like this. It's making me fee like she's not receiving the love I'm giving, and this is a problem in the relationship...

Thanks for any help or advice

ps. she has a bully alco of a Dad, her sis was anorexic, and a couple of years ago she went seriously thin herself + obsessive about weight (never anorexic) but she bounced back in a short time.

Beruthiel

bf12321 wrote:

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her?

Of course it's affecting her.
Seems like she had some issues with it to start with, seeing you go to all lengths means she probably thinks she must do the same, or at least feels under pressure to do so

Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox)

I don't see this as being a healthy thing at all.

She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me)

ie - feeling the pressure.

I should also state that she reads tons of those stupid thrashy celeb mags, and they are always on about celeb weight, etc. maybe this affects her? I can't control what she reads so sometimes I cringe when I see the thrash she puts into mind.

That's a whole other issue!
Why you'd read that crap with so many good books in the world is something I will never understand.

LegacyUser

Going for long periods without eating is not only stupid and dangerous (I presume you are talking about days here), it will dramatically slow down your/her metabolism, such that when you start eating again you will gain weight a lot faster.

BaZmO*

bf12321 wrote:

Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox)

You do realise that there is no such thing as a "Detox"
It's just marketing mumbo jumbo to cash in on people's ignorance and insecurities.
The liver naturally cleanses the body of any toxins that may build up in the body and it doesn't need to be starved to achieve this. However, drinking plenty of water can help along this natural process.

As for going without eating for long periods, that's just stupid and extremely unhealthy.

The unfortunate thing about your situation is that your unhealthy fascination with "Detoxing" is setting a bad example and putting unnecessary pressure on your girlfriend who seems to be having problems already with her weight without the added pressure from you.

LegacyUser

'Sorry, not long periods. I'm into spiritual stuff and sometimes I might fast for an evening or day, or skip a meal to help clear the mind. Not regularly of course, but sometimes. I might just be playing music also, and forget to eat... food is not big deal with me.

Do all women take this weight thing so seriously? She seems almost psychotic about it sometimes and she knows it isn't rational thinking, but she says she can't help these thoughts coming into her mind...'

MicraBoy

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her? Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox) and I excercise regularly + look very fit. She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me) but I only do it for detox.

Check out the Fitness Forum on boards for loads of advice on proper nutrition and fitness.

Kell

BaZmO* wrote:

You do realise that there is no such thing as a "Detox"
It's just marketing mumbo jumbo to cash in on people's ignorance and insecurities.
The liver naturally cleanses the body of any toxins that may build up in the body and it doesn't need to be starved to achieve this.

And um, what happens if you liver is sluggish? And um, natural detoxing has been around as long as humans have. No?

Anyways- OP, what weight is your GF? Have you not tried to explain to her that it is not how much she does or doesnt eat, its the quality and content of what goes into her stomach that matters? As a health freak you should know that it doesnt matter to your weight how much you eat, its making sure that its the right stuff.

I think it is fair to say that just about every woman has some hang up about their weight. She does sound overtly panick'd though.

I dont accept other posters implying that you are inadvertantly pressurising her into losing weight. If you jumped off a bridge would we be sympathic to her if she followed suit? I think not.

Personally, I think something else has triggered this. Eating disorders or abherrations are indicators of low esteem and poor self respect. Tease out with her whats going on in your head as opposed to focussing on complaining about her complaining about her weight.

K-

Miguel_Sanchez

Kell wrote:

And um, what happens if you liver is sluggish? And um, natural detoxing has been around as long as humans have. No?

Whatever about whether detox works or not. But starving yourself in order to do it? That cannot be a healthy way to go about it

Kell wrote:

I dont accept other posters implying that you are inadvertantly pressurising her into losing weight. If you jumped off a bridge would we be sympathic to her if she followed suit? I think not.

I think you're stretching it a bit. I don't think she's making a conscious decision to follow him but his behaviour may well be influencing her even if she doesn't realise it.

I'm not saying that the OP is at fault but I can imagine that since he seems so weight and health conscious then it may have a knock on effect on her. Especially since she has had problems with this sort of thing in the past.

limklad

hardCopy wrote:

How long do you typically go without eating?

Surely periods of starvation can't be good for your own body and can only set a bad example for her.

Starving your body is actually making things worse. You may lose weight short term but it a disaster long term. Because all what you are doing is training you body in to survival mode. If your body goes without food, it will build up reserve when you are eating. The best way is to eat sensible (Enough so that your stomach is not longer sending hungry signals) , eat when you are hungry and regularly exercise. You can regularly exercise by add it into you daily routine by walking that extra bit from the shop, work, etc. Every bit makes a difference.
I know one woman constantly complaining that she is always gaining weight but is never able to keep it off. She goes between starving diets and huge feasts throughout the year. She does little exercise and Travels everywhere by car and always wants to be dropped to the door. She does very little house work as the husband and kids do it all. I feel very sorry for them as she constant complains and nags and is so easily insulted if she does get her dinner or slipper on time.

limklad

bf12321 wrote:

'Sorry, not long periods. I'm into spiritual stuff and sometimes I might fast for an evening or day, or skip a meal to help clear the mind. Not regularly of course, but sometimes. I might just be playing music also, and forget to eat... food is not big deal with me.

Do all women take this weight thing so seriously? She seems almost psychotic about it sometimes and she knows it isn't rational thinking, but she says she can't help these thoughts coming into her mind...'

Are you happy with her appearance. If yes , tell her so and tell her that it is her behaviour that is a turn off not her body.
You need to say what you love about her and how you feel.

Oryx

I agree that this girl probably sees what the OP is doing (fasting etc) and it is influencing her. I dont agree however that the OP has to change any of his behaviour. Would it matter if he did? The girl would still see skinny people and read about size zeros in magazines. And still be unhappy with her own body image. I know lots of women who compare themselves to celebs/their friends and diet to fit their perfect image.

I did have weight issues, and to a degree I still do. And I behaved just like this girl, constantly thinking "if I could loose x lbs Id be happy". (and I never was) But I realise now that any inadequacy I feel compared to anyone else is a problem inside my head, not with my body. It is a very hard thing to break tho, I confess to still weighing myself everyday!:rolleyes:

This girl sounds like she has low self esteem and self confidence, and is putting all the blame on her weight and body image. Im not sure what the OP can do, apart from reassure her that her weight and body are fine, and encourage her to develop her confidence in ways that are not 'body' related.

tk123

bf12321 wrote:

Am I doing something wrong in this relationship? We give each other so much love and intimacy... I don't know why she feels like this. It's making me fee like she's not receiving the love I'm giving, and this is a problem in the relationship...

OP would you not say that to her - it sums up exactly what you're feeling? Talk to her and see how she feels? There's nothing wrong with somebody trying to get healthy and fit - if thats all it is you could go the gym and cook healthy meals together etc and if something else is bothering her surely it's better to get it out in the open so you can try to help her sort it out?

BaZmO*

Kell wrote:

And um, what happens if you liver is sluggish? And um, natural detoxing has been around as long as humans have. No?

What?

Kell wrote:

I dont accept other posters implying that you are inadvertantly pressurising her into losing weight. If you jumped off a bridge would we be sympathic to her if she followed suit? I think not

Don't be so facetious, of course people are influenced by the actions of their loved ones. But anyway, the OP has explained more clearly why he goes without food.

LegacyUser

bf12321 wrote:

Last night my gf told me she hadn't been eating much that day and had a bad headache because of it.She told me she's back on calorie counting, and is watching what she eats and doing detoxes. She also said that she feels her legs look chunky and her weight went up after she stopped excercising regularly a couple of months ago, and said when she went to weigh herself she was disgusted. She also says she sometimes thinks Im disgusted with her body, and want her to lose weight.She said she knows this isn't what I'm thinking, but these thoughts get into her mind anyway.

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her? Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox) and I excercise regularly + look very fit. She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me) but I only do it for detox.

I told her I love her all I can, and will support her, but sometimes this weight issue wrecks my head.

I should also state that she reads tons of those stupid thrashy celeb mags, and they are always on about celeb weight, etc. maybe this affects her? I can't control what she reads so sometimes I cringe when I see the thrash she puts into mind.

Maybe she needs reassurance that she's beautiful etc... do you tell her often enough?...you said she knows that you're not thinking that she's over weight.. but is that just her reassuring herself outloud.. at the time, did you strongly agree or just tell her you love her (if it's the latter she could still be trying to figure out what you were thinking).
I've been going through some issues myself+ for a while there, this issues lead to alot of insecurities. I guess at times, I just needed some reassurance.

bf12321 wrote:

She seems almost psychotic about it sometimes and she knows it isn't rational thinking, but she says she can't help these thoughts coming into her mind...'

Can I just ask you, as her boyfriend... you think that she appears almost psychotic about it sometimes.. what do you, as a guy actually think about that?.... does it scare the life out of you+ you want to run away, or do you just want to be there for her as much as you can? I'm going through something similar in the line of having a few issues+ I was wondering what it's like... from one boyfriends perspective. Thanks.

Black Swan

Encourage her to get back to exercising daily. It's healthy, will help her fitness, and her self esteem. Maybe you can work out with her? Couple workouts can be fun, and just might lead to something even more fun later?

oranje

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Encourage her to get back to exercising daily. It's healthy, will help her fitness, and her self esteem. Maybe you can work out with her? Couple workouts can be fun, and just might lead to something even more fun later?

I think that this the advice she needs. Your weight says very little about your attractiveness. Some skinny people have zero muscle tone and touching the flesh they have is like touching jelly. Anybody who does exercise and works out will have better muscle tone and lose fat. Muscle weighs more than fat so looking good has nothing to do with the weighing scales. Looking in the mirror and having photos taken of your body will give you a far better idea of how you are progressing.

As many people have said starving yourself and dieting is a waste of time. It absorbs so much mental energy thinking of not eating because you are tring to suppress your body's natural wish to eat.

Eat healthy food and eat as much as you like. No fat person got that way because of eating too much fruit, vegetable or fish. Exercise regularly, walk when you can.

I know you don't have the problem OP but your girlfriend should get to grips with these principles. If she is jealous of your ability to fast then she is definitely not thinking clearly on this issue.

NeiloMac

Not Eating for long periods, for health and weight reasons, is so stupid, Your body will go into starvation mode and keep all the fat it can,

To loss weight the best way of course is exercise light a walk a short run, u dont have to spend hours in the gym, If your a couple u could maybe do these things with her, help her go on walks as a couple, and eat little and often, keep that furnis buring, Its a way to spend more time together and she will be happy your taking an interest in her needs and not just your own

loismustdie

despite what some girls say, it is not 'normal' for girls to have this hang up. their appearance can of course be important to them but appearance and wspecially weight should only be a thing they think of every now and then and the reaction ahould be "ah i hate my legs" but then move on to another more important part of life. insecurities like you gf's are extreme and must be looked at. other posters have said everything else i was going to say about being healthy. ps, really do tell her exactly what you love about her.

justsomebloke

bf12321 wrote:

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her? Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox) and I excercise regularly + look very fit. She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me) but I only do it for detox.

I call Bull****. just cause you are fit doesn't make you healthy. I suggest both of yous look into proper diet and nutrition

dame

bf12321 wrote:

Last night my gf told me she hadn't been eating much that day and had a bad headache because of it.She told me she's back on calorie counting, and is watching what she eats and doing detoxes. She also said that she feels her legs look chunky and her weight went up after she stopped excercising regularly a couple of months ago, and said when she went to weigh herself she was disgusted. She also says she sometimes thinks Im disgusted with her body, and want her to lose weight.She said she knows this isn't what I'm thinking, but these thoughts get into her mind anyway.

I'm a bit of a health freak and really watch my weight + what I eat, maybe this is affecting her? Sometimes I go for long periods without eating (detox) and I excercise regularly + look very fit. She said she wishes she could go for long periods without eating (like me) but I only do it for detox.

I told her I love her all I can, and will support her, but sometimes this weight issue wrecks my head.

I should also state that she reads tons of those stupid thrashy celeb mags, and they are always on about celeb weight, etc. maybe this affects her? I can't control what she reads so sometimes I cringe when I see the thrash she puts into mind.

I haven't read the whole thread but to me it sounds like you being obsessed with your weight and appearance would definitely be affecting her. What's this long periods without eating to detox garbage? You sound like you're the one with the weight issue to be honest. Look at the part of your post that I made bold. Why do you say you'll support her with her "weight issue". For all we know she is perfectly slim but you've made her feel like she's not because you're so obsessed. I reckon she might have given up on the exercise because you weren't giving her any real credit for it and she felt that no matter what she did she wouldn't live up to your standards of being "fitness" and having a good body. I actually feel sorry for your girlfriend, even though you say you tell her all you can you love her.

And by the way, if your girlfriend wants to read celeb magazines then she's perfectly entitled to do so. I'm sure you read "trash" from time to time for a bit of light entertainment too.

Why don't you just bothe eat together regularly and healthily and do some enjoyable exercise together, like walking or swimming.

Also, I think you yourself should visit a doctor, dietician or other health expert and see if you yourself are doing the right things and if your own attitude is healthy.

BaZmO*

dame wrote:

I haven't read the whole thread...

It really does help if you do.

dame

OP if you really want to detox there are far healthier ways of doing it than fasting. Go to a chemist and get Milk Thistle. It flushes out the liver. It's recommended for flushing the Larium (heavy duty anti-Malaria drug, very harsh on the body) out of your system when you finish taking it. Obviously discuss it with the pharmacist first before you start taking it.

Another easy detox is to drink green tea. Exercise gets the free radicals moving in the body so drinking a cup of green tea after exercise flushes them straight out. Any green tea at all, lots to choose from in your local supermarket.


You should definitely try to eat healthy food, a lot more regularly, with your girlfriend. She will be reassured to be eating same as others and getting out and about for a few hill-walks and stuff will help her feel a lot more confident and better about herself. And never ever comment on her weight. Even when you think she has lost some....don't compliment her on losing the weight but do compliment her on how healthy and fit she's looking.

LegacyUser

'Believe me, we are doing all that - eating healthy, meals together, walks, etc. And I tell her I love her body, and I always tell her she looks amazing. And I always give her tons of reassurance.. if I gave anymore then she'd get tired of it

Yes, we do talk... lots! ALl about this and about how it's important to be healthy, not skinny, and she is quite reational and understands it all. We walk together, cook together, choose healthy food together (I'm a vegetarian, so raw veg is my fave!). Sometimes we have treats as well, like something sweet for desert..

It's just sometimes she seems to have bad days.. especially if she is left alone, and has time to herself. She start thinking bad thoughts.. she says they just creep into her head, and she knows it's not rational.

For the record - her childhood wasn't easy. Her whole family were psychologically abused by her Dad and he was a verbally abusive, aggressive alcoholic. She says there was not physical or sexual abuse... sometimes I wonder. Her sister tried to commit suicide and is verging on anorexic, and is depressed. The other girls also have serious issues but she seems to be getting on the best in life (they all think she's perfect and she helps them out a lot).

Can I just ask you, as her boyfriend... you think that she appears almost psychotic about it sometimes.. what do you, as a guy actually think about that?.... does it scare the life out of you+ you want to run away, or do you just want to be there for her as much as you can? I'm going through something similar in the line of having a few issues+ I was wondering what it's like... from one boyfriends perspective. Thanks.

Sometimes yes, it is scary. But it is a test of my love for her. And I came out strong - I told her that I loved her and accepted her no matter what she was going through. Even though tears were streaming out her eyes constantly (happens easily if she talks about her dark thoughts) I still wanted to be there for her. If her negative thoughts involve me though.... then yes, sometimes I feel like runing away but I stick it out, and her "dark thoughts" go away for another while...'

LegacyUser

'My girlfriend does the weightwatchers and goes to the gym, i think she looks amazing, she sees her body, what she doesnt like she wants to change, i give her every bit of love and compliments but my point is this. Im a 24 yr old bloke and i actually found MYSELF cutting down on eating when she went on with her strict diet and i wouldnt need to diet or restrict what i eat. Just because she was doing it i did it, she didnt ask me or anything.
Of course its an influence, if im honest i probably didnt want her to feel strange / abnormal for doing her diet so i did it to make her feel more comfortable.

So what you are doing in my view would be unhealthy and in my humble opinion is directly effecting your partner'

sweet-rasmus

clearly she has issues with her family and perhaps watching her fitness and obsessing over weight is how she came to deal with it. of course, she could have chosen a far worse way to handle it, so you have to be glad in a sense.

i would say that you have to ease off on your fitness regime. you probably make her feel that it is the right thing to worry over these fitness issues, but while your body may 'enjoy' this and not cause a bother, it clearly affects her. perhaps she feels the need to be at the same standard as you, or wants to impress you.

and in answer to your other question; i have no female (or male) friends who are obsessed with weight. it is not considered 'normal', though that sounds strange to say. clearly she has a problem to do with her body, her confidence and such. there must be advice available for this situation, though i have no personal experience regarding the matter, so can't point you in any direction. the internet must be full of the advice you need, so give it a try.

Kell

BaZmO* wrote:

Don't be so facetious, of course people are influenced by the actions of their loved ones.

And which bit of-

Kell wrote:

Personally, I think something else has triggered this. Eating disorders or abherrations are indicators of low esteem and poor self respect. Tease out with her whats going on in her head

didnt you get? Plenty of people are in relationships with people who work out and detox etc however, it doesnt necessarily mean they follow suit. As a another pointed out, whether she goes to the gym or detox's or not, there will still be mags full of size zero women influencing the girls head. My extreme example was to point out that I dont accept its the fault of the poster that his GF has a problem with her weight. Spain and Italy took extreme to the extreme recently by banning size zero women from catwalks for fúcking with young impressionable girls sense of self. Are you still missing my point?

To turn it another way, are skinny people responsible for fat people who get fatter out of depression because they arent skinny? See- thats just as ridiculous as suggesting that the OP is in some way responsible for his GF's actions.

BaZmO* wrote:

But anyway, the OP has explained more clearly why he goes without food.

And just what has that got to do with my post? I see no issue with the OP. If his definition of detoxing with no food means a fast for 24/48hrs, I dont see an issue with this.

K-

justsomebloke

bf12321 wrote:

'Believe me, we are doing all that - eating healthy, meals together, walks, etc. And I tell her I love her body, and I always tell her she looks amazing. And I always give her tons of reassurance.. if I gave anymore then she'd get tired of it

Yes, we do talk... lots! ALl about this and about how it's important to be healthy, not skinny, and she is quite reational and understands it all. We walk together, cook together, choose healthy food together (I'm a vegetarian, so raw veg is my fave!). Sometimes we have treats as well, like something sweet for desert..

It's just sometimes she seems to have bad days.. especially if she is left alone, and has time to herself. She start thinking bad thoughts.. she says they just creep into her head, and she knows it's not rational.

Truthfully I think her problem with food maybe down to you. From the sound of it she is trying to conform to the standards she think you are setting for her, especially if you quantify her eating non healthy food as being bad, god no wonder the poor girl wonders that you must be disgusted with her.
Yes she may have low self esteem from the family issues but the manifestation of this into her body dis morphia maybe due to your obsession with what you see to be healthy eating