Cheating house mate, what is the right thing to do?

Powerpuff

Last night I had to listen to 2 hours of moaning, head board banging, balls slapping, spanking etc(very very thin walls) ... Usually when this happens I don't care but this time the girl wasn't his girlfriend.
I feel so guilty because I wont say anything to his girlfriend but we are friends (through him) and if he wasn't my house mate i'd probably tell her. This happened 6 months ago and I never said anything back then either.
They've been together 6 years and seem to be very much in love, (I hope I don't come across as a sneaky pervert here but it doesn't seem like their sex life is very exciting tho) . They're talking about the future, spending the rest of their lives together...

He has become a very good friend but I hate this about him, he has even tried it on with me twice the last month when we were drunk but I was just pretending he was joking... I wont move out cos this isn't a frequent thing but when it happnes I feel sick and seeing them cuddling in the sofa next to me when we're watching telly is getting awkward. He obviously doesn't care about anything when he's drunk, and even tho he is constantly flirting with everyone the gf trust him 100 %. It's strange because she's not naive or gullible or anything.

I don't know were i'm going or with this or why I posted. I will just pretend it never happened and just continue being a bad person.

What would you do? Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

Ruu_Old

Difficult situation you are in but its not really up to you though in my opinion. It'll make things very awkward for you if your roomate found out it was you who called him out on this. I think this roomate of yours has commitment problems and obviously isn't ready to settle down with one girl. I don't know, talk to him if it is putting you out and making you feel uncomfortable.

biko

You can tell him that he's an ass for cheating on his girlfriend even though you won't tell her. Might give him a wakeup call like.

It's not the evil of bad men that destroy the world but the silence of the good, or something to that effect.

iguana

How about talking to him. Tell him that it bothers you and ask him that if he has to have a random shag he goes to her's as that way you don't have to know about it.

ELLIEJ

I dunno I think I would tell her somehow..... As you say she is your friend. You could subtly 'by mistake' tease her about her grunting and groaning that night and she will cop it was not her.......
He is doing it cos he is getting away with it. Are you sure it wasnt his gf???

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

invite the girlfriend over when you know the two of them are going to be at it

or do what ellieJ said..

Futureman

biko wrote:

You can tell him that he's an ass for cheating on his girlfriend

WOW - what a groundbreaking, amazing solution. Can we get this topic closed now please mods? We have found the answer!

While we're at it, Biko - can you PM me the meaning of life?

Nevyn

Futureman, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

biko

PMd :rolleyes:

Futureman

Thaedydal wrote:

Futureman, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Sorry Mod - just having some fun! No harm intended.

axer

Powerpuff wrote:

What would you do?

Its a tough call. Would love to tell you to tell on his sorry ass because there is nothing I hate more than cheaters but it is none of your business. You are better off staying out.

Powerpuff wrote:

Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

Couldn't do it myself to be honest. This is coming from a guy who has been never cheated on either. I just detest cheating. Not all guys are as your friend described.

humbert

It is possible. Especially if you don't dwell on them and just feel the two things, lust for one girl and love for the other, independently. Really it's between them, talk to him if you must but who benefits if you tell her?

I'm not defending him, his actions are selfish but everyone ends up hurt if you meddle.

iguana

humbert wrote:

but who benefits if you tell her?

Well his girlfriend would have the opportunity to meet a man who won't cheat on her. And also the heads up that she needs an sti check.

Nevyn

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Chucky the tree

Alot of men would take the chance(not the ones who post on boards, and who read this thread though - their true gentlemen)

Anyway, its none of your business so keep out of it. If the noise bothers you, tell him to keep it down. Otherwise concentrate of your own love life instead of his.

LegacyUser

Listen, you don't know how some people work. I personally believe the guy may be madly in love with her to the best of his knowledge but you don't know peoples reasons behind things or why he is doing this, let him learn the lesson his own way. I say leave it be and don't poke your nose in. It's just so unwanted to be honest.

Black Swan

Powerpuff wrote:

What would you do? Has it happened to you? And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts? I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one... Living with men like this have made me a bit cynical to say the least, but I haven't lost hope.

If it really bothers you, perhaps you should have a talk with your cheating friend? I doubt that it will do any good. Personally, I would have no respect for him, given the circumstances you related.

Please realise that all lads are not like this cheater. There are some trustworthy ones worth having a meaningful relationship with.

Thaedydal

Thaedydal wrote:

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Sounds like a start, definitely.

I'd love to say "just tell her" but either do this or talk to him first.

tbh

been there. I said to my flatmate "Your missus is a friend of mine, and I don't like being put in the position where I have to lie to her. What you do in your own time is your own business, but bringing girls back here makes me involved. Don't do it again".

and you know what? He did. And he got caught. Nothing to do with me tho, but I'll never forget the look his g/f gave me when she realised I knew.

blue banana

If I was the gf I'd rather know.

BaZmO*

Powerpuff wrote:

And guys, is it possible to love someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and every now and again bang a random girl senseless without having second thoughts?

For some guys definitely.

Powerpuff wrote:

I talked to a collegue about this and he said he didn't know any guy who wouldn't take a chance if he had one...

He mustn't know that many guys so. It's like anything in life, you have some people that think cheating is perfectly ok and then you have some people that are absolutley abhorred by the very thought of it.


IMO the only thing that you can do is to tell your flatmate that while it's his life and he can do with it whatever he chooses, the fact that his girlfriend is a friend of yours puts you in a very awkward position. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he didn't do it while you were there.. He'll more than likely tell you to mind your own business, which he's entitled to do, but at least you'll have made your point.

The one thing that I most certainly wouldn't do is tell his girlfriend.

humanji

It may sound a little seedy, but maybe if you're going to confront him, get some proof. Just in case he decides that the best thing to do is tell his girlfriend that you were coming onto him! Not saying it'll happen, but it has happened to people before.

horsesnout

Mind your own business

Zambia

biko wrote:

It's not the evil of bad men that destroy the world but the silence of the good, or something to that effect.

All it takes for evil too truimph is for good men to do nothing.

However its a line intended for far worse situations than this. Its up to you who is more important to you him or his missus. If you have the go-nads TBH has the best advice.

Evzer

Evil? please... This board becomes more sanctimonious by the day. Its ****ty what he's doing but it's not your place to tell the girl. He is your mate after all have a bit of loyalty. Is this girl worth ruining the friendship over?

skywalker

Thaedydal wrote:

You could simply bring it up in a semi serious semi joking fashion,
When you see them on the sofa roll your eyes and say I am going to have to get ear plug if the two of you are going to be as noise as ye were last ( insert night he was knocking someone else out of it ).

Its really not her business to be getting involved with at all.

tbh wrote:

been there. I said to my flatmate "Your missus is a friend of mine, and I don't like being put in the position where I have to lie to her. What you do in your own time is your own business, but bringing girls back here makes me involved. Don't do it again".

But thats a much more honest way of going about it if she does want to get involved.

CodeMonkey

I feel so guilty because I wont say anything to his girlfriend but we are friends (through him) and if he wasn't my house mate i'd probably tell her. This happened 6 months ago and I never said anything back then either.

If you're a friend to the guy you should say something before he ruins his relationship. If they get married, the guy continues to cheat, the girl finds out, the girl will wish someone told her about his behaviour earlier. If you're a friend to the girl at all you should at least say something to the cheating boyfriend and see if he will or can stop. Even if you don't tell her at least you tried to help.

Evzer wrote:

Evil? please... This board becomes more sanctimonious by the day. Its ****ty what he's doing but it's not your place to tell the girl. He is your mate after all have a bit of loyalty. Is this girl worth ruining the friendship over?

Ah BS. If you're a real friend to the guy at all you'll stop him ruining his life over some meaningless sexual gratification. That's what loyalty is, not turning a blind eye. I'd say butt out only if the guy is just a housemate and not really a friend.

LegacyUser

'I was going out with someone and he was cheating with a colleague. I knew in my gut, but had no proof and when I asked him about it he denied it. His best friend was the one who actually told me in the end when I told him of my suspicions. I have never appreciated honesty so much in my life because I would have stayed with him as I didn't have any proof. I never said who told me and he never found out who it was. To this day I have so much respect for his friend for having the guts to tell me. However I was so hurt that I knew people had known and had never said anything.

I would tell your friend to stop what he is doing and if he continues on cheating then I would tell her. She may not appreciate it and he certainty won't but imagine if you were in that situation, wouldn't you prefer to be told..i certainty did.'

summerwine

Not all fellas are the same as this, I promise you that. It sounds like your housemate has a decision to make on who he likes. If your friends with his actual gf, I would suggest talking to her in a round about way that he is doing the dirt. Cause some ripples in this cushy scenario for the fella and then morally you are out of it.

Some people wouldn't agree with what I have written but I have been in the same situation but only with a girl doing the dirt on her bf of 8 years. I am close friends with both the fellas involved. I have managed to stay on good speaking terms with both of them after it all came to the forefront. And eventually it will come out in the open!

Good luck with your decision!

swine!

BaZmO*

summerwine wrote:

I would suggest talking to her in a round about way that he is doing the dirt

How? It's impossible to tell someone about something like that in a round about way, you're either telling them or you're not telling them. It's like telling someone to dig half a hole.

free2fly

I don't think you should tell the gf. But I do think that you should do what TBH did and talk to your friend. Tell him it puts you in an awkward situation and if he respects your friendship he'll stop doing it when you're around.

Villaricos

oh god situations like this makeme wonder are there any nice guys out there!

OP Ive been the third party on a couple where one cheats and always regret not doing something (I couldnt though,they were all my bfs friends). I think you should talk to the guy, what tbh said sounds best. casual but to the point.
dont go to the girlfriend,thats going to cause fights and rows with you in the thick of it! If the guy was your friend first then hes your first port of call, plus he's the one who you live with.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

free2fly

daveirl wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Actually in her OP she says:

I feel so guilty because I wont say anything to his girlfriend but we are friends (through him) and if he wasn't my house mate i'd probably tell her.

Powerpuff

Thanks for all the replies. I talked to my other flatmate about it and he said its happened many times before and that he has told him it's no good... A funny thing he also told me was that he(flatmate 2) brought home the same girl a few months ago ha ha, such a small world.
If I talked to him I'd just piss him off. If they broke up because of me I'd have to move and selfish as I am I don't want to.
I seriously believe he really loves her and want to be with her but I also have a feeling he will never change. It happens when he's pissed or high and he doesn't use his brain at all then. And when he's is sober he knows it's wrong. I would like her to have choise to be with a guy like that though. It's going to be hard to tell her because we're not very close and don't hang out together if he's not around.

I know it's not any of my business but yeah, hard to avoid being involved even if I want to. I feel so sorry for her.

BaZmO*

Powerpuff wrote:

It's going to be hard to tell her because we're not very close and don't hang out together if he's not around.

That sentence right there says that you shouldn't say anything. Seriously, it's none of your business.

Powerpuff

BaZmO* wrote:

That sentence right there says that you shouldn't say anything. Seriously, it's none of your business.

Their relationship isn't but my feelings are. I can't help feeling guilty and awkward. And the only reason we're not very close is because I'm working stupidly long hours and barely have time for my old friends. I've only known them a year and if I would have spent as much time with her as I do with her boyfriend we would probably be very close friends.

To Humanji: I don't think what he did to me is an issue at all as nothing happened. What he did to that other girl is the problem and two other witnesses except me is probably enough proof.

chump

None of your business my arse.

He is mistreating his gf, who is friends with the OP.

If he was mistreating a dog, who was a friend of the OP's should the OP keep it to herself?

Rat him out and don't feel a twinge of guilt

BaZmO*

Powerpuff wrote:

and if I would have spent as much time with her as I do with her boyfriend we would probably be very close friends.

"If" "Probably" "Maybe" "Perhaps"
Doesn't make you best friends though does it?

BaZmO*

chump wrote:

If he was mistreating a dog, who was a friend of the OP's should the OP keep it to herself?

:eek: Did you actually type that? Please tell me you didn't. Please tell me that someone else hacked into your account and typed it instead of you.....Please!!

chump

BaZmO* wrote:

:eek: Did you actually type that? Please tell me you didn't. Please tell me that someone else hacked into your account and typed it instead of you.....Please!!

I wrote it all by myself pal. I hope it hasn't upset your sensibilities. EEEEEEEKKKKKK

Powerpuff

BaZmO* wrote:

"If" "Probably" "Maybe" "Perhaps"
Doesn't make you best friends though does it?

She is a very nice person and I care about her, if I didn't like her I wouldn't be bothered in the first place. I'm probably, maybe, perhaps still living here in a year and then we are friends and this has happened many more times, is it not weird to not tell her then? Yeah maybe that's it, I'll wait a year and then tell her.

Marksie

Powerpuff wrote:

She is a very nice person and I care about her, if I didn't like her I wouldn't be bothered in the first place. I'm probably, maybe, perhaps still living here in a year and then we are friends and this has happened many more times, is it not weird to not tell her then? Yeah maybe that's it, I'll wait a year and then tell her.

Well in a catch 22 situation like this, where he wont listen and you wont tell. You are up a gum tree.

The only thing i can think of is that instead of asking him how does he feel... or how his g/f would feel.. tell him how YOU feel about it.

However, high or drunk, others feelings will not be his consideration.

So in the end the options are:
1) ignore it
2) tell his girlfriend
3) leave
4) don't become close friends with those you share with (or their partners)

chuci

if i was the girlfriend i would rather be told as well it seems they are planning their future together. in the end the truth will come out he will be caught since he doesnt seem to be stopping,even if in the morning after he knows its wrong. i would talk to the flat mate like tbh said and tell him how you feel. you could always tell the girlfriend that he tried to come onto you when ye were drunk but she could just turn on you i suppose.its really a catch 22 personally id tell the girlfriend because i think she would have the right to know what a horrible person her boyfriend is. imgine what a fool you would feel if your boyfriend was doing it to you and all his flatmates knew and you were friendly with them?i just hate cheating and being drunk or high does not excuse it

Caliden

tell her. Don't mention that he tried it on with you. Just the fact that he slept with someone else

hunnymonster

As some of the others have said, If I was the girlfriend, I would want to know and I would be grateful that you were honest enough to tell me. Having said that, if you did tell, you would risk them uniting and turning against you.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

hunnymonster

Dave, I wouldn't expect to be freinds with my housemates boss and certainly wouldn't expect him to be broken-hearted because one of him employee's threw a "sickie". You're not comparing like with like

Powerpuff

daveirl wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Thats not the same thing at all. We actually quite support that kind of behaviour And I'm sure my boss wouldn't be hurt and think she wasted 6 years of her life on someone like me if she found out.

Whos discretion are you talking about, mine or his? If he was discreet I wouldn't have a problem. If I wasn't discreet I would have told her a long time ago, I also would have told someone about the drugs and the incorrect disposal of our christmas tree... :rolleyes:

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Chucky the tree

Powerpuff wrote:

Whos discretion are you talking about, mine or his? If he was discreet I wouldn't have a problem. If I wasn't discreet I would have told her a long time ago, I also would have told someone about the drugs and the incorrect disposal of our christmas tree... :rolleyes:

So it doesnt actually bother you that he is cheating, just that he is doing it in the house? That logic seems a bit strange.