Dealing with aftermath of falling out with friends

newestUser

About 6/7 months ago I posted here about an argument I was having with a very close friend of mine. I won't go into the details again.

Since then, I haven't spoken to this person. But, I am still very, very angry towards her. Every day for the last 6/7 months I have thought about how this person acted towards me, how she was being a bitch to me, how unfair, hypocritical and disrespectful she was to me, blahblahblah. I have a lot of resentment towards her.

It just seems like every day I replay conversations or arguments I had with her, and I get so worked up and angry! This isn't healthy, and while I've moved on from 6 months ago in that I'm resigned to the fact that she is no longer a part of my life, I'm still thinking about her and getting wound up about how she treated me.

This was a platonic relationship btw.

I want to just be over the whole thing, but it feels like I'm not letting go, and I'm worried that I never will.

Any thoughts?

Caliden

As hard at it may be to say it, you have to let it go. Trying to get the last word in and tell them how badly they treated you is childish and petty.
Be mature and just let it slide.

LegacyUser

'Hi newest user. i sympathise with your plight as i am in exactly the same boat as you. Is not easy as you are probably a sensitive person who thinks deeply about things. I dont know the circumsances surronding your problem but it has to be serious to warrent thinking about it so much. Your probably very loyal as a friend and whats happened has deeply hurt you and thats the killer.
Just to fill you in on my circumstances. Myself and my girlfriend befriended this girl 8 years ago. She seemed a nice girl and she got on so well with my bird that i has happy to see them friends. Things seemed to go well for a while but myself and my girlfriend noticed that she really only had time for us as a couple and not much time for my bird as her friend. over the next few years we noticed that she had serious insecurity issues and relied on us so much for comfort and support. We helped her out a lot with some personal tradesties in her life but it started to become more evident that she was relying on me far more than my girlfriend for support, advice etc. she also had never been in a serious relationship before and her 2 previous boyfriends just used her for sex and money. ( complete scumbags, who she brought into our lifes). Her present boyfriend has openly admitted to me and my girlfriend that he doesnt care for her at all and uses her and its her problem if she is thick enough to come back for more. He also claimed that our friend fancies me and she told him that. This same bloke who while off his head one night came onto me and openly kissed me on the lips with my girlfriend and our friend in the same room. To top the whole situation off , while out one night he was in the company of his mates , who preceeded to slag off my girlfriend and our friend which turned into 3 lads attacking me. That was the end for me as far as having our friend and her scumbag bfriend in my life. Hard as it was breaking friendship with someone who you thought of like a sister, too much **** had happened. I had a conversation with her to explain to her that we were too close as friends and needed to chill. i also told her that her boyfriend is a complete scumbag and has no respect for her.Coudnt believe my ears when she said to me that i must fancy her as i defended her against her boyfriend and her mates. By the way her boyriend was in the room that night when his mates were calling her a slag and other derogaotary words and he laughed to agreeing.****ed up or what!! I told her that cause you are a friend of mine i wont have ****heads talk about you like that and would stand up for anyone of my mates who was been verbally abused like that. She still stated that i fancied her, told her to grow up and start getting a life for herself. My girlfriend also talked to her bout boyfriend but went in one ear and out the other.
Over the next few months this girl showed my girlfriend hardly any attention or support of a friend. She became withdrawn towards my girlfriend and didnt want to come up and see her for a drink even though i wasnt in the house. It hurt me so much to see how she was treating my girlfriend. my bird ended up becoming depressed bout whole thing. It proved what other people were saying and what we thought. She was only interested in us as a couple and once i was removed from the friendship my girlfriend was left out in the cold.
A while after , this girl arrived up to my home and told my girlfriend that i fancied her. Thank god, my bird knew this to be a blatant lie and threw her out of the gaff. Friendship over. If truth be told, according to her boyfriend and others over the years she probably fancied me and wasnt happy me been out of her life so wanted to hurt me and damage our relationship.
I have learnt one thing from this and i dont want to sound harsh about females. i willl never allow another female to become so close to us as a couple. Especially single girls. We always knew she had low self esteem and was messed up but cared for her like a loyal friend but in the end her messed up head destroyed an 8 year friendship. ( SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON)
This so called friend tried her best to destroy an 11 year relationship cause she is a messed up girl, but thankfully me and my bird are strong and will get through it. As you said its hard to forget about your friend and all the things she did wrong on you but if you are in the right believe me you are better off moving on. My bird finds it hard, as she really cared for her friend. Her best friend in fact, but she realises that the trust and closeness that she had with her is gone ,and is accepting it. She will meet other girls who hopefully arent screwed up in the head. Only time will tell
You should try councelling , as you would be suprised talking to a stranger bout your problems is really meant to help. Look at this board for instance, most people dont know each other who post here, but come to get advice and probably leave this board feeling better than when they signed in.
thats my 2 pence worth'

Black Swan

Do a balancing act? All that you shared as friends could not have been bad, just the thing to caused you to split? Put the bad thing aside, and just reflect on the good things for a few minutes. Then balance it against the bad, then bury it forever, and move on.

Oryx

OP, think about it this way: every day you are getting angry. Does your friend know about it? No. Is it affecting her? No. Its only affecting and stressing you. So the only one its hurting is you. You are having these rows with yourself.

Write this person a letter. Spill all your anger, hurt, resentment and spite down on to paper. Tell her everything you have been thinking, let it all out. Then take the letter and ceremoniously burn it, and let all the pain and hurt go with it. (Sounds a little daft, but it can work). Then move on.

jesus_thats_gre

How about a little cop the **** on and put things in perspective will you. It is retardedly foolish to hold a grudge like this and even worse to allow yourself to get angry over it on a daily basis.

Two options, sort out your difference with this person and bury the hatchet or stay mortel enemies and move on. Don't mean to be critical off the previous poster but you might as well try a herbal remedy while you are at it - ahem!

newestUser

In fairness, I recognise that it's foolish to feel like this. As I remember someone once posting here, what's the point in criticising someone's emotions as being stupid? Regardless of whether they're rational or insane, my emotions are still there. If we could rationalise our emotions away life would be sweet. *sigh*

I'm not starting a slanging match, I know you're dishing out the 'ol tough love, and that you're right (even if you're not tactful!).

Smoke some js and chill out? Wtf? Are you *seriously* suggesting this?

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

How about a little cop the **** on and put things in perspective will you. It is retardedly foolish to hold a grudge like this and even worse to allow yourself to get angry over it on a daily basis.

Two options, sort out your difference with this person and bury the hatchet or stay mortel enemies and move on. Don't mean to be critical off the previous poster but you might as well try a herbal remedy while you are at it - ahem!

jesus_thats_gre

Am serious.. If you know you are acting irrationally, stop acting that way... I am not some sort of special human being that has been blessed with a gift, am simple telling you to learn to control your emotions. I only know this because I was witnessed my mother being a headcase for years.

Blush_01

Easier said than done, tbh.

OP - if you let yourself dwell on it, it'll become so much a pert of you that it'll make you really bitter. There's nothing wrong with not being able to block it out completely if you can't just forget about it. Just don't allow yourself to dwell on it if it comes into your head. Do something productive that requires concentration and pour yourself into that instead? (I'm a major dweller, for what it's worth, but I find taking my mind off "it", whatever "it" is, really does work.)

~nop~

You know thinking of her everyday is really only letting her win.

You've got to let this go op.

sweet-rasmus

do you have to see this friend on a regular basis? is she in you school/college or perhaps you hear friends talking about her? if this is the case i see you are gonna have a hell of a time getting over what happened between you and her, and i wish you luck with it! (i know the feeling all too well)

if you have the luxury or not coming into contact with this friend; just give it more time. try to talk about what happened to you to someone who won't mind listening, and write it out in a diary or on a piece of paper. i know it sounds silly, but if you can get it out of your system; write it all out so your mind doesn't feel conscious to have to remember the pain it caused you. write everything. give yourself the time to do it. you will probably feel more anger for the next few days, remembering it all, but after that the thoughts should begin to leave you alone. give it a shot

LegacyUser

'I'm going through a similar situation. One of my "best" friends stopped talking to me because I started going out with a guy she fancied. Even though we're in our mid 20's this is still a huge faux pas apparently!! I felt reallly hurt about the breakdown of our relationship, but I thought that she'd come round. Especially since I've been going out with the fella almost 2 years now.

At the time, she made out that I was only seeing my fella to spite her. While clearly it's become evident that this is not true, I think a few mutual friends felt sorry for her at the time because she was playing the victim. And she's very good at spinning a story...so I did fall out with a few of our mutual friends at the same time. Plus I guess some of them were single, she was single, and they all went out together on the pull, while I was going to the cinema and having quiet nights with my new man.

Although I'm still friends with a number of other mutual friends, I still get mad when I think about the "best" friend. And I know that she still feels mad when she thinks about me. But only when I'm in mutual friends company and they bring her up.

So try your best to stay out of her way. Out of sight out of mind. But I think that falling out with friends, especially ones that you've known since you were in school happens a lot when you're in your 20s '