My relationship has come to the crunch, what do I do?

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf 6 years now and we live together in a rented house. Over those years we've been through lots of ups and downs but we always loved each other enough to work through them and stay together. He has a child from a previous relationship and so do I, my child lives with us and he's great step-dad to my child and has alway been really supportive. There's a few issues here and my head's in a spin so please bear with me.

Occasionally he acts like a complete asshole to me and he can be very moody taking things out on me for nothing so I often find it hard to talk to him or bring up issues cos I'm not good at confrontations. It's like I'm walking on eggshells around him sometimes. I'd rather work things out calmly but he thrives on fighting and arguing over the least little thing which, when your fighting over crap every day can be emotionally and physically draining so I say nothing. But I'm really starting to resent him for the way he acts, it's so childish. He has got lots of good points, don't get me wrong, there is a reason why I love him of course but I really wish we could sort this out.

Also he earns a lot more money than me but we divide the cost of all the bills down the middle which I'm perfectly happy with as it's only fair but last year the issue came up of us buying a house together which would make sense since we've been together so long and we have the kids between us. I told him that I wasn't in a position to save half for the deposit and to do that would take me a year at least. He told me that wasn't good enough and if I didn't have my half for a deposit, he'd go ahead and buy without me which I was pissed off about but over time we dropped the whole buying a house idea. Then at the end of last year he told me out of the blue that he'd been saving for months and now had the full deposit for a house which he bought down the country without telling me, I told him I wanted to end our relationship and that I didn't trust him if he was going behind my back like that. He said it was just an investment for him and he would be renting it out and had no intention of living there but it's down the country in a place where there wouldn't be much options to rent it so I don't know if I believe that. So he managed to talk me round and convince me and we're still together.

Anyway I'll be 30 this year and I feel like I have no opportunities, I want to settle down and maybe have another child, have the option to get married etc. but I can't do it with this guy unless we have our own place. My friends & family tell me I'm mad not to ask him once more to buy a place with me, but I know I will have to have half the deposit before I do this and I'm just not as financially well off as him and he won't hear tell of him putting more money in than me even though I've told him we could draw up an agreement with a solicitor that he has more stake in the house than I do. I'm going to sit down with him tonight and tell him everything I've said here, but unfortunatley I have to be prepared for a huge argument about it, but I think it's worth it this time cos it'll be make or break time for us. Is it worth pushing this with him? I hate to think i've wasted 6 years of my life already and I would like us to finally sort our problems and make a life together but if he doesn't want to make a commitment to me I'll have to let him go I suppose, and that kills me.

Any advice/comments welcome, I really need an outsiders perspective on things as my friends and family are biased to me obviously.... Thanks.

bbbbb

The deposit is a red herring. There is no reason you couldn't buy a place together.

Say he provides the full 10% deposit, draw up an agreement where by he owns 10% and the remaining is 50/50 (balance of house - outstanding mortgage), or what ever proportion you agree to split the mortgage (e.g. he might do 60/40 on that as well if he's earning more).

Mrs. MacGyver

Firstly, whatever decision you make is yours and yours alone at the end of the day. Do you realy want to be stuck with someone you cannot trust or who puts unessary pressure on you over a significant matter such as this?
I know you have invested 6 years of your life with this man but if you feel uncomfortable , leave, start again. He appears to be selfish and is obviously not mature enought to talk about this matter rationally. I would op out now. But as i said above, the decision is entirely yours, weigh up the pros and cons yourself and see what comes out on top. Don't mind listening to your family as this is a deciision you must make for the good of yourself and your child, not for the good of your family. Sorry for being narky, best of luck with whatever you decide.

eviecarwash

He bought a house behind your back?? Is he for real!! Dump the loser.

Beruthiel

endofmytether wrote:

Then at the end of last year he told me out of the blue that he'd been saving for months and now had the full deposit for a house which he bought down the country without telling me.

Sorry, but I'm finding it difficult to get my head around the above.
Isn't a relationship with someone suppose to be 100% trustworthy and honest?
It takes months of looking for the right house, going through the paperwork etc.. and not one word to you, his partner, the woman he's supposed to love?
I believe you should be thinking long and hard about this guy.
He could have easily offered to buy a house with you instead. As someone else said, it's very easy to have a contract drawn up so you each own a percentage of the house. I've done this myself. So how come he didn't offer this option?

daiixi

I still can't get my head around this "his" money "her" money thing. Surely if you're together so long as to be buying a house together and potentially getting married then it's "our" money?! Do you divide the bills up as to who uses more electricity/water/gas has to pay more? I'd be long gone in the same situation..

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

As someone else said, it's very easy to have a contract drawn up so you each own a percentage of the house. I've done this myself. So how come he didn't offer this option?

I know Beruthiel I told him this myself but he told me I was talking crap that you can't do that. He just explains everything away saying that it's only an investment but he never promised me that we would own our own house one day and I suppose it's my own fault that I never pushed the issue with him. I regularly ask him what the story is with his house and he tells me it's in the process of being built but that's all he'll say and he gets narky if I ask anything else, I honestly don't know what's going on, it's like hes protecting his interests from me, looking after himself.

I tried playing him at his own game and seeing if I could go for the affordable housing on my own but I was refused so now it's really down to whether I can get him to entertain the idea of us buying together. I see all my friends settling down with their OH's and the issue of who puts what money into the house is never an issue cos they love & trust each other and make it work so that they can live together. This makes me doubt my own relationship big time.

I suppose I can only try talking to him later and see what can be done, I'm dreading it though cos I nearly know what will happen.

Carrigart Exile

A couple of different thoughts. One maybe he wants somewhere to leave his child, you will no doubt be looking for the place you buy together to be for your child. Also, for men in today's divorce courts, marraige and children can be tantamount to financial suicide. Just a couple of alternative thoughts.

humbert

It sounds to me like he's being enormously selfish and you're going to end up finding out you've been taken for a ride.

If you're with someone that long and are planning on buying a house together and have kids it's almost pathological to be insisting on rigorously splitting things up 50/50.

LegacyUser

I think people shouldn't focus so much on the financial side of this. Plenty of couples have seperate finances and property and get on just fine. The below statement is a lot more worrying to me.

endofmytether wrote:

Occasionally he acts like a complete asshole to me and he can be very moody taking things out on me for nothing so I often find it hard to talk to him or bring up issues cos I'm not good at confrontations. It's like I'm walking on eggshells around him sometimes. I'd rather work things out calmly but he thrives on fighting and arguing over the least little thing which, when your fighting over crap every day can be emotionally and physically draining so I say nothing. But I'm really starting to resent him for the way he acts, it's so childish. He has got lots of good points, don't get me wrong, there is a reason why I love him of course but I really wish we could sort this out.
Thanks.

Why do you want to stay with someone that treats you like this? A healthy relationship has communication. You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your own boyfriend.

A rented flat on your own is way better than living in a mansion with someone that has no respect whatsoever for you.

LegacyUser

being the devil's advocate here but..

If his moody offhand argumentative behaviour is something that has occurred over the last year or so..It sounds to me like he is frustrated with the relationship in some way perhaps? You could ask him if this is the case rather than launching into a full-on mortgage conversation...

Is it equally as frustrating for him to be presented with a some one who wont finish an argument because they are constantly trying to avoid confrontation?

Did he go off and act on something because he felt you weren't making an effort to save and participate in it? Why did he do it? As someone else suggested above it would be a nice investment for his kid, or...even.. for the two or you in the future perhaps..

I'm not saying that his behaviour is acceptable, just presenting some possibles.

Best of luck with the chat and hope it goes well for you. Maybe a different approach is needed if this is the guy you want to stay with.
If you don't get some answers though, I would seriously start considering what you are going with this relationship. A house and marriage won't change these things.

LegacyUser

'

babilon wrote:

If his moody offhand argumentative behaviour is something that has occurred over the last year or so..It sounds to me like he is frustrated with the relationship in some way perhaps? You could ask him if this is the case rather than launching into a full-on mortgage conversation...

No, he's just a moody person, he lets little things wind him up and blows them out of all proportion rather than taking the calm sensible approach, he'll just wade in and cause a big shouting and screaming match (in some cases, packing his bags and telling me he's leaving) over something as simple as why the heating should be turned off cos he's not cold while I'm shivering with the cold and can't turn it back on cos he says he'll refuse to give me half the bill for the heating when it comes in! That's just one example but he can't compromise on anything, it's his way or trouble and I usually go for the easy option but now, Understandably, I'm getting really frustrated with having to compromise myself all the time.

Is it equally as frustrating for him to be presented with a some one who wont finish an argument because they are constantly trying to avoid confrontation?

I can hold my ground in an argument, usually I have no choice but to argue back cos he's always the one who starts them but like I said they are so draining that when I can avoid one I will.

Did he go off and act on something because he felt you weren't making an effort to save and participate in it? Why did he do it? As someone else suggested above it would be a nice investment for his kid, or...even.. for the two or you in the future perhaps..

Yes you're right to some degree here, but it wasn't that I wasn't making an effort, at the time he wanted to do it I was struggling with paying off my credit card. That had to be my priority, I just wasn't in the same place as him financially and I couldn't afford to save but I really wanted us to buy a house together, I asked him to wait for me and suggested that he could draw up a solicitors letter about the deposit or else go and put it down himself and I could pay him back later but he went sneakily behind my back. Part of the reason I didn't split up with him was because I understood about wanting something for his child and he did mention that it would be ours if we were to get married but that was the ONLY time he ever mentioned anything about our future together.

I'm not saying that his behaviour is acceptable, just presenting some possibles.

I appreciate your input, cheers :-)'

LegacyUser

'So I spoke to him when he got in earlier. It took all my strength and I got really upset but I'm glad I did it. I just told him I was unhappy with the situation basically for the reasons I mentioned here and he just looked at me blankly. I asked him to let me know if we have a future together cos I wasn't going to waste my time on him any more if he wasn't sure he wanted to settle down with me. I got it all out and I asked him to tell me how he felt but he said he couldn't because he wasn't expecting this from me. He went on about how we fight and how bad the arguments are but that's because of his behavior, I told him that with his attitude, he could be in a relationship with someone else and there'd be the same problems so it's not just me, he needs to change the way he confronts things or it'll never be right, whether that's with me or anyone else.

He couldn't answer my question about buying a house, he said it was a lot to take in and so I told him to have a think about all I was saying and come back to me when he's decided if I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life, so the ball is well and truly in his court now. Usually when I reach the end of my tether with him like this, he comes in and cuddles me and says what I want to hear and that he loves me but I told him not to do that this time, that I need real answers as to where he sees us going.

So that's it now, he's in there watching DVD's and possibly thinking things through and I'm offloading here which feels good and is helping me get things straight in my head actually! So I suppose I have to be prepared for the worst, one things for sure I'm not skimming over it and just leaving it to fate this time.'

Victor

Might a relationship counsellor / mediator be useful? There seems to be hte basics of a relationship, but without 100% committment / trust (not that blind committment is a good thing).

---

If you buy a house together, whether married or not, and subsequently break up, things could be very awkward for him.

Beruthiel

OP
Just in case you don't know, people on lower wages can apply for the Shared Ownership Scheme.
If it comes to you needing to buy your own house, go to your local county council and have them point you in the right direction.
It's how I bought my first apt and I highly recommend it as a stepping stone to fully owning your own property.

Marksie

endofmytether wrote:

He couldn't answer my question about buying a house, he said it was a lot to take in and so I told him to have a think about all I was saying and come back to me when he's decided if I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life, so the ball is well and truly in his court now. Usually when I reach the end of my tether with him like this, he comes in and cuddles me and says what I want to hear and that he loves me but I told him not to do that this time, that I need real answers as to where he sees us going.

So that's it now, he's in there watching DVD's and possibly thinking things through and I'm offloading here which feels good and is helping me get things straight in my head actually! So I suppose I have to be prepared for the worst, one things for sure I'm not skimming over it and just leaving it to fate this time.'

I think you handled the situation well. You didn't press him for immediate answers and have given him time to think.
I would hope that this time he will see that you are serious.
I wonder if he will come back to you and tell you what you want to hear again, but he needs to supply concrete evidence of this happening. He may not say anything and hope it will blow over.

But i think the way you approached it is a wake up call for him. As you say the ball is in his court now. He can learn from it and mature or not and lose it.
You will just have to wait and see what his recation is, i suspect that if this goes ok that you wont be taking teh esay option again as you are now effectively standing up for yourself.

I hope it works out well for you if you decide to stay with him.

Black Swan

This seems to be about love, trust, understanding, and commitment? The financial considerations are subordinate to these aspects of your relationship, so don't let the financials distract you. Get a clear understanding, then make a decision for the long run.

The Corinthian

endofmytether wrote:

My friends & family tell me I'm mad not to ask him once more to buy a place with me, but I know I will have to have half the deposit before I do this and I'm just not as financially well off as him and he won't hear tell of him putting more money in than me even though I've told him we could draw up an agreement with a solicitor that he has more stake in the house than I do.

Unfortunately, legally speaking he has a point as even with an agreement in place it can be overturned if you contested it in an acrimonious break-up, especially if you are contributing to the mortgage and your financial situation is worse than his.

Given this, if this is his fear then it is the tip of the iceberg of a far greater problem. Deal with that and you deal with the rest.

LegacyUser

Not going to say much - other than you sound like a nice & decent person - I'm sure lots of men would love to share their live with you - this guy sounds like hes got too many negative qualities for anyone to have to try and build a future around.

BoozyBabe

endofmytether wrote:

'No, he's just a moody person, he lets little things wind him up and blows them out of all proportion rather than taking the calm sensible approach, he'll just wade in and cause a big shouting and screaming match (in some cases, packing his bags and telling me he's leaving) over something as simple as why the heating should be turned off cos he's not cold while I'm shivering with the cold and can't turn it back on cos he says he'll refuse to give me half the bill for the heating when it comes in! That's just one example but he can't compromise on anything

& you think the only issue is buying a house together?????:eek:

Why would you even consider getting financially tied down to someone who treats you like this??????

That's what a relationship is all about:- compromise, & you say he can't compromise on anything

Owning your own home instead of renting will not magically make all the other problems go away. It won't change them whatsoever.
Your bf seems like a bully & I'd seriously reconsider your options.
Do you really want him to be the father of future children, where he'll refuse to pay a heating bill if you try to keep them warm!!!!!

& I'm sure there are many many other stories you could tell us about his bullying, noncompromising ways.

Normal 'good' relationships are not like this.

Talliesin

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

This seems to be about love, trust, understanding, and commitment? The financial considerations are subordinate to these aspects of your relationship, so don't let the financials distract you. Get a clear understanding, then make a decision for the long run.

Out in the real world it's extremely difficult to separate financial considerations from other aspects of your life because in the real world people use their money for things with a real and vital affect upon their life.

Yeah it's about love, trust, understanding and commitment, but all of those things don't mean much more than a paper card on valentines day and a bunch of flowers that'll die in less than a week outside of the realities of sharing a life with another person.

Miss Fluff

endofmytether wrote:

Is it worth pushing this with him? I hate to think i've wasted 6 years of my life already .... Thanks.

You'll hate it even more in six years time if you've wasted 12 years with him. Certainly sounds like it's decision time. I don't like his sneakiness of investing in a property down the country and then just "happening" to mention it. Seems like he would begrudge sharing his wealth/investment with you and that's not a good foundation to build a future on.

shinners007

id personally dump him.

i no six years is a long time but can you honeslty stay in a relationship like this for another six years.

you must think of your child and your own future. his personality and moods must effect not only on you but on your child also.

buying ahouse and not mentioning it to you or consulting you his partner of years ludricious.

surely that speaks for it self.


im sure you'll find a nother man who treats you properly and wants the same things as you i.e a home together, marriage, kids, etc...

best of luck what ever happens

LegacyUser

'I agree with what you said, that there are more problems than the relationship is worth probably but I am still in love with him despite everything and my ideal scenario would be that he'd learn to manage his moods/controlling nature be more open to my needs and we'd have a happier relationship. I do realise that it's a lot to ask of him to change but if he loves me as much as he said he does, then surely he wouldn't risk losing me.

We barely spoke after last night, I was giving him all the space he needed and he rang me in work today about something trivial so I just went along with it. I'm hoping now that he doesn't think that I've swept it all under the carpet, I really do want some answers from him, not in a demanding way but I think I do deserve that. I'm going to remind him when he gets home tonight, that nothing's changed and he still needs to come back to me and tell me what he wants.

Also I suppose I'm afraid if we do split up that I won't meet anyone else, my confidence is shot and I see so many of my single friends who've been on their own for years finding it hard to meet a decent guy, being single seems so scary to me and maybe thats why I've held on for so long also

I was thinking strongly of suggesting us having a break and maybe him going back to his mother's for a week. I need the headspace tbh, cos it's killing me trying to decide what to do.'

Carrigart Exile

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

This seems to be about love, trust, understanding, and commitment? The financial considerations are subordinate to these aspects of your relationship, so don't let the financials distract you. Get a clear understanding, then make a decision for the long run.

Blue Lagoon, by the sound of it financial stuff is a big issue for this guy. If he's been ripped off by divorce before he is going to be very very wary.

LegacyUser

'

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Blue Lagoon, by the sound of it financial stuff is a big issue for this guy. If he's been ripped off by divorce before he is going to be very very wary.

He's never been married before! He's just starting out like me and this is (for both of us) the second serious relationship since our teens. There is no reason for him to be that wary, I understand people have to protect themselves to some degree but you shouldn't go around with a mistrusting attitude like that if you want to have a happy fulfulling relationship.

Or should you? I just don't know anymore :-(

Maybe he's just not sure I'm the one for him, as much as he claims to love me but he's happy muddling along for the time being, that's what I'm NOT prepared to do. To me it's black or it's white, if you love someone then you want a future with them (House, kids possibly marraige) no matter what.'

The Corinthian

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

This seems to be about love, trust, understanding, and commitment? The financial considerations are subordinate to these aspects of your relationship, so don't let the financials distract you.

Wake up and smell the alimony. Seriously, the reality with any relationship is that it can turn sour - and an alarmingly large proportion do. When this happens in marriage (and often outside of it) the person who has the bulk of the assets, often from long before the relationship, will lose a good proportion of them to the person who once declared undying love and now wants him/her to declare his/her earnings to the court.

To the OP: If your boyfriend feels this way it may be because there is something in you that he ultimately does not trust and/or is paranoid. It could be a bit of both. As Carrigart Exile suggested he may have been burnt in the past or if you have had an acrimonious break up in your past, this too would bare thinking.

Ultimately it may also simply be because he does not see you two remaining together and so such a commitment is both against his interests and serves no long-term purpose.

Carrigart Exile

endofmytether wrote:

'

He's never been married before! He's just starting out like me and this is (for both of us) the second serious relationship since our teens. There is no reason for him to be that wary, I understand people have to protect themselves to some degree but you shouldn't go around with a mistrusting attitude like that if you want to have a happy fulfulling relationship.

Or should you? I just don't know anymore :-(

Maybe he's just not sure I'm the one for him, as much as he claims to love me but he's happy muddling along for the time being, that's what I'm NOT prepared to do. To me it's black or it's white, if you love someone then you want a future with them (House, kids possibly marraige) no matter what.'

I don't know if you have seen the Coke Zero advert where the guy says to his friend 'wouldn't it be great to have a girlfriend that didn't come with a 5 year plan', well men everywhere screamed 'yes' at the TVs. Perhaps he is literally just happy bumbling along and its maybe he now feels pressure from you and from your friends to take the relationship into a more formal footing.

Beruthiel

endofmytether wrote:

Also I suppose I'm afraid if we do split up that I won't meet anyone else, my confidence is shot and I see so many of my single friends who've been on their own for years finding it hard to meet a decent guy, being single seems so scary to me and maybe thats why I've held on for so long also

Honey, this is no reason whatsoever to stay in a relationship.
I started my whole live over again at your age, with great success. It can be done, just cos it hasn't worked out for your mates, doesn't mean it won't for you.

Marksie

endofmytether wrote:

Also I suppose I'm afraid if we do split up that I won't meet anyone else, my confidence is shot and I see so many of my single friends who've been on their own for years finding it hard to meet a decent guy, being single seems so scary to me and maybe thats why I've held on for so long also

I think a lot of people say the same thing and stay in relationships which are ultimately unhealthy.
It is too soon to talk about the need for self connection, but what you have to decide is nto how you feel now, but how you would feel years down the line.
One of my dear friends left her marriage of 20 years. It was a brave step, but necessary, she was in her own personal hell. Now, single, she is happy.

All you can do is wait and see what happens now, if this is not fully resolved it will fester.

Miss Fluff

endofmytether wrote:

Also I suppose I'm afraid if we do split up that I won't meet anyone else, my confidence is shot and I see so many of my single friends who've been on their own for years finding it hard to meet a decent guy, being single seems so scary to me and maybe thats why I've held on for so long also

Come now endofmytether, IMO it is far lonelier to be in a miserable relationship than on your own and have yourself to answer to. Nothing is worse than the isolation of being with someone who doesn't love you ENOUGH. From my perception of this, sounds like he loves you alright but does he love you enough?

warrenaldo

reading this thread i feel for your situation - i am with my partner 1year and a half and we share all money. all bills etc etc. we have done for the last 6 or so months. we both see it as our money.

However a lot of people are not that comfortable with it and just prefer to have their own. each to there own and all that.

But he needs to make a cmmiment. you seem to be in the right.
Push him for some answers because you deserve him.

If you dont like them then make the call - it will be tough. but in 5 years time you might be in the same situation with him. or you could be wherever you want in the relationship you want.

tough call.

LegacyUser

'Some of you are very cynical altogether! I suppose I can understand having to protect yourself in a relationship a wee bit, but I want one where there is mutual trust and both people do everything in their power to ensure it's a good healthy trustful relationship, that's heading where they BOTH want it to.

I know my statement about being on my own is silly, some days I think about it and the freedom I'd have not to have to answer to my partner and it feels great but because I love him it feel sad also, I'm really emotionally and physically attached to him and couldn't contemplate a life with anyone else at the moment and he says the same. That's why I don't want to give up on us yet but if he doesn't want the same things in life as I do, and he doesn't want to commit to me then that's the road I'm on whether I like it or not and that is scary but I suppose I have to be brave & throw my life in the hands of the fates and hope everything works out the way it should.

He said to me last night, without me having to remind him, that we'd sit down and talk next week. He's working a lot this week and then he's going away for a match at the weekend so it's not really fair to get into big discussions while all that's going on. I appreciated the fact that he let me know he wasn't forgetting that I wanted to sort things out. So now I have to wait til then which will give me a bit of headspace too I suppose. I really hope we can work it all out, since I've brought it up with him, he's been extra attentive to me and sent me little "I Love You" texts where he hadn't been doing that in a while, maybe I've given him something to think about. I really hope so...

I'll let you know how it goes anyway, cheers for your comments everyone!'

bug

endofmytether wrote:

'Some of you are very cynical altogether! I suppose I can understand having to protect yourself in a relationship a wee bit, but I want one where there is mutual trust and both people do everything in their power to ensure it's a good healthy trustful relationship, that's heading where they BOTH want it to.

Look at what you've said there, the key word is "both" and you have outlined what you want. You might be left wanting.
No one is being cynical in fact, I personally commend you for putting so much effort into the person that you love, but still, you have to be realistic. A little bit of self protection on your own end might not go a miss.

endofmytether wrote:

He said to me last night, without me having to remind him, that we'd sit down and talk next week. '

I don't think that you should have to remind anyone of these things. Its quite obvious to me that this is a pressing issue on your relationship continuing and you haven't sat me down and had a good chat with me.
Just make sure that the chat happens next week and don't let it go on and on, and don't let delaying tactics get in the way.

best of everything.

Marksie

bug wrote:

I don't think that you should have to remind anyone of these things. Its quite obvious to me that this is a pressing issue on your relationship continuing and you haven't sat me down and had a good chat with me.
Just make sure that the chat happens next week and don't let it go on and on, and don't let delaying tactics get in the way.

best of everything.

i am going to play a bit of a devils advocate here as in an earlier post i mentioned not letting him essentially forgetting about it.

So, by mentioning it he has indicated that he has not forgotten.