i cant get over things.

LegacyUser

hi i know this seems like such a silly thread but i need to let fly. see my life isnt so bad. i have money, a few good friends and a loving bf. im doing really good in college and have interests outside of it.
the problem is with my family. one parent has depression and the other is a alcoholic with violent outbursts and most of last summer was spent between the hosipital, garda and gp, including me running away at the ripe old age of 19 to friends in the other side of the country.
its been going on all my life and when summer came it was no longer possible to hide it from friends.
i alway work hardier then i need outside of my family life, say in college and relstionships which means i feel stress all the time for things to be perfect.
i was late to dating and have some terrible relationships last year where i was taking advantage of and treated badly. i was willing to put up with alot of crap since i think the idea of what a healthy relationship was like was never a imprint because of my family. i seem to have idiot tattooed on my head but thankfully im with my new bf for the past 5 months and there is noway he'd hurt me.
but in the summer when my family were at my worst i felt like i was having a break down because all i wanted was to cry and sleep and my friends tell me i was weird, like inside my head.
the problem is for years i pushed what was happening with my family to the back of my head and didnt think about it. i could block it out. nowadays its impossible and i feel more and more depressed when i think about what will happen to my family. we tried to get help in the summer but the gps didnt believe us about our manic alcoholic parent. that parent can lie and make ppl believe the sky is green if they want to.
i talk to my bf about this stuff and some of my friends but i feel so utterly hopeless that talking about it just brings me down and i feel like theres no more left to say.
it can get bad around exam time and it can put me off my game but mostly i have no clue how to deal with this. most of all i miss my parents like they were when i was younger and they werent so messed up

Kell

notright wrote:

we tried to get help in the summer but the gps didnt believe us about our manic alcoholic parent.

First up what you are going through is really shít and no one should really have to go through that shíte. Just one question- can you move out of your parents and go live somewhere else?

I know its going to be a very difficult pill to swallow, but try and accept that these problems belong to your parents and you dont have to get involved if you dont want to.

I know you want to do whats best for the people who brought you into the world, but these same people are driving you out of your mind and you cant sustain that environment for too long without it getting too much for you. At the end of the day, the only person that matters most here. It sounds daft, but turn off your emotion switch that makes you want to help your parents and turn on the "look out for myself" switch.

There is only so much you can do, and by the sounds of it you have made every effort to try and do something for your folks. Now is the time to do right by yourself and distance yourself from the situation. It doesnt mean that you dont care about whats happening at home, its a sign that you care more for your own well being, and no one can critiscise you for that.

Right now, you need a plan. A) can you afford to move out, what do you need to do to make that happen, C) go and do it and D) get on with the rest of your life.

Best wishes.

K-

G86

This is like me about 3yrs ago. I know exactly what your going through. You probably like this is your responsibility to sort out, but its not. Do you have any aunts or uncles? any other family that can help? I have a lovely aunt who I see as my mother now because she was there for me so much when I grew up. Even if you dont have family you can turn to..what about your friends? thats what they are there for, and as you've said they must know whats going on by now.

I know its hard to move on without feeling like your deserting our family, but you have to live your life for you. Its not your fault that their lives turned out the way they did. Can you move out? I moved out at 17 and it was the best move i ever made, because it was for me. Trust me, you can make your own way in life and you dont need them, yea its a bit harder but that only makes it feel so much better when you finally get to where you want to be.

It will be hard, you might have to fall back in to their lives at times to sort out whatever mess they get into, but you learn to detach yourself because that wont be your world anymore, you'll just be a visitor and you can leave whenever you want. Remember your the most important person in your life.

I really hope this helps xx

Beetlebum

My heart goes out to you, I know just what you're going through. My mam died of alcohol poisoning 3 years ago and my dad is permanently in Hospital with depression. He's also an alcoholic. My mam used to be tee-total and one day out of the blue, she just started drinking. It spiralled out of control and resulted in her death. Living with an alocholic is soul destroying, watching someone you love change and ruin themselves in front of your eyes is heart breaking.

I used to dread going home because I didn't know what kind of state I'd find her in and it affected my whole life. The doctor didn't believe me either when I asked for advice and she used to give my mam sleeping tablets which she'd mix with alcohol and she'd go crazy. I asked the doctor to stop giving her tablets but she didn't. I asked all the bar staff in our local not to serve her and the same in the Supermarket Off Licence.

I know how difficult this must be for you but you're stronger than you realise. I would suggest moving out if at all possible. Removing yourself from the situation will help you detatch from it. Also, I went to a counsellor in Stanhope Street who was amazing. There's a centre there for people affected by an alcoholics behaviour. It's a selfish, sly, underhanded disease and I found it unbearable to live with. PM me if ya wanna talk. I hope you find a way out of this situation. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

'i moved out after the summer but my mom still wants to control everything i do. she visits nearly every day, sometimes more then once, and if shes not here shes ringing.
then my father tells me whats happening really at home when im not there.
my aunt tried to help in the summer and it meant breaking off her friendship with my mother. now, my extended family, ie. aunts/uncles/grandparents all treat it like it never happened. nome of them believed us at first.
my dads helpless and i get scared what will happen to them. i love them too much to let this happen and i tried the whole "i wont see you til your stopped taking pills/drink" but she just screamed til she got her way and my father/sister ordered me to stop. she wont even admit she has a problem.
my family support me financially and i cant afford to cut them out and i dont think i can emotionally either.

i know some of you see these problems as not mine but truth be told they are. they're my family. i feel guilty enough that i didnt try to stop her drinking when i was younger and i know i'l feel so guilty if this results in her death or if my dad gets harmed.'

LegacyUser

'shes after coming over drunk when she knew i was getting ready to go out tonight. i really feel like not going now but my friend is counting on me to introduce her to someone. typical. *sigh\*'

G86

Listen you can cut them out, you may need too. I did it and ok so I wasnt that well off but i worked my way through college and you can apply for a grant too. My auntie was in the same situation as yours, she chooses not to have to relationship with my mother and I dont blame her.

Can I ask are there children involved? That was my only problem, I have a younger brother and sister so I have to keep in contact to make sure they are ok , but i keep it minimal. My dad was like yours, didnt want to get involved but you have to remember thats his problem not yours. You can get away from it all an you deserve to.

I know its hard, but it will be ok.

LegacyUser

'its only me and someone slightly older then me.
they are trying to buy us a house for college right now. i dont think they'd give a grant to me since we're so well off. my sister is in the same boat as me. i dont think my parents would totally cut me off.
i was going to move in with my bf next term since it would be around 40 a week and i could manage that working part time. except i've tried to get work last summer and couldnt since i've no experience. seriously i tried everywhere. where i live has a serious lack of work. my parents didnt want me working while at school, a blessing and a curse it seems.'

sweet-rasmus

have you tried going to your college counsellor? i know it seems like it won't do much, but perhaps they would have more advice for you. clearly you are in a difficult situation and there are no easy solutions that we can provide. the counsellors in college were employed to help you. good luck in this situation and remember that we are always here in pi to listen to you

G86

ok..im gettin a better idea of your situation now, its a bit different to mine. You seem to be still a bit dependent on your parents? And the money is something that you really need. It is possible to work through col tho and I dont think at 19 with parents like that, that you should be doing what they want you to do. Its like the money thing is their way of buying you.

But thats just me, im pretty headstrong, maybe your a wee bit more sensitive and feel you still need them in your life? I think maybe I should leave the advice to someone else here, I've too much exp with what your talking about and I dont think my advice will be what you want to hear , and I dont want to upset you even more.

But the best of luck with whatever you decide to do, I really hope it works out.

x

LegacyUser

tbh its not really me needing them as much as they need me. my mom always says she built her life on her children and my mom cant go a day without hearing from me.
im not like that. i remember i went to a camp at 12 in another county back when there was no moblies and i rang my nan once and didnt even bother to ring my parents while i was away.
but for the past year i worry that shes set the house on fire or fallen down the stairs again so i worry when she hasnt made a phone call and when i do, sure enough, shes drunk.
it was me and my sister picking her up off the floor for years and putting her to bed or chasing her. not my father. it was us being woken up in the middle of the night with her in our room telling us shes dying (shes got a diease thats incurable btw). all i've ever wanted is freedom from them but now i worry too much about them to cut them off. i worry my mom would hurt herself. i tried in the summer to cut them out and it ended badly with everyone telling me im immature and my mom wouldnt stop harassing me and my father til i agreed to go to belfast for a "family holiday". my father begged me since she wouldnt stop abusing him til i caved.
im not dependant on them except for money.
i miss the mom i had as a child but im coming to realise shes gone.

most ppl think because we're wealthy that my problems dont matter, that money makes up for it. but my parents regularly try to buy me out whenever things get rough. its insulting and regularly if i need money badly i dont even tell them. i feel like i cant tell ppl my problems because they'll pull the "poor little rich girl" stance and ignore me.

Black Swan

Sad, difficult situration. Seeing a counsellor might help?

G86

I really didnt mean to offend you with what I said, and I hope I didnt. Its just that our situations differ more than I thought. Its hard for me to understand how you could still care about her. Oh and I know what you mean about the 'illnesses'. But you know what you do? Next time she thinks shes dying, let her go to the doc, and let him see that theres a problem that needs to be dealt with.

As for your father, you have to be stern with him and explain to him that standing on the sidelines isnt going to cut it anymore. He needs to take some responsibility too. Its not fair you carrying this all by yourself, what about your older sis/bro, are they not able to do anything to help?
I just saw a post you left about her coming around to your house drunk,well next time don't let her in. She needs to learn that you aren't a doormat. Would she let you into HER house if you were steamin?

I don't think any less of you for being wealthy, and I understand that you dont want to cut ties completely, but it does make the situation harder for you as you cant walk away without worrying. You really need to talk to someone about this, maybe have a chat with your auntie again? But you have to accept that if in 2years things are still the same, then you have to move on with your own life.

LegacyUser

my mother would have hurt my father bodily if she doesnt get her way. not letting her in isnt a opinion. i just feel so ashamed and guilty that theres nothing i can do.

G86

Im sorry hun, but I really don't know what else I can say now. Theres only so much advice you can get here, you really need to talk to someone who can help.