Chauvinistic Quips - Golden Oldies

Stabshauptmann

Yeah you've prob heard most of 'em before but there classics. Please add some more!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a lorry?
A: They don't know how the lorry got into the kitchen.



Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: She should have listened the first time

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: What have 10,000 battered women got in common?
A: They don’t listen!

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point, what’s she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: What does it mean when your wife is nagging you while your watching tv ?
A: You need to shorten her chain!!

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: There isn’t a road between the kitchen and the bedroom!

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

WIFE: Washing, Ironing, ****ing, Etc....

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

KamiKazi

lol you better hope no women see this

DawnMc

Pathetic

Rabies

hallelujah
1 week ban.
Sexist jokes are ok, your comments are not.
PM sent

Captain Corelli

Q: What does an abused wife do as soon as she returns from the hospital after the latest 'incident'?

A: The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.







Je ne regrette rien

no leaf clover

Rabies wrote:

hallelujah
1 week ban.
Sexist jokes are ok, your comments are not.
PM sent

just curious- who got banned for wat, if th sexist jokes wer ok?

Rabies

no leaf clover wrote:

just curious- who got banned for wat, if th sexist jokes wer ok?

In general sexist jokes are ok, they work both ways.
Ladies, feel free to post sexist jokes about us guys.


hallelujah was banned for comments he made. I deleted his posts. Only humour mods and Admins can see them now.

drunk_monk

A nude woman staring in the bedroom mirror says to her husband ...
... "I feel absolutely horrible because I look fat and ugly, so please pay me a compliment!"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect."

drunk_monk

And for the ladies........................

Summer Classes for Men
Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level Of Their Contents, Class Sizes Will Be Limited to 8 Participants Maximum.

Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6: Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

KamiKazi

^^lol

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups

folan

Class 14: The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Q: Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a lorry?
A: They don't know how the lorry got into the kitchen.

top quality

:|

why do i find chauvinisic jokes so funny? im a girl btw

Blisterman

What do you do if the dishwasher stops working?

Give her a kick.