The dream doesn't work out...

edwardthefirst

Hi,

I am 33 years old, married with two kids of my own. I meet my birth mother six years ago. I had three half sisters as well. I meet the whole family, stayed in touch for a year or so, we were getting on famously until my birth mother took ill and needed an operation in the U.K. I offered to pay and all hell broke loose with the sisters. I think they felt threatened by my intervention when it came to the care of my birth mother. Anyway things turned nasty and I just bailed out. I had no contact for two years with any of them, to be honest I felt angry with the way I was treated with my offer. Last year I read of the death of my birth mother on a community website. I received no contact or notice from her family.

So now where am I? Three half sisters that hate me. I also have three half sisters and a half brother on my natural father’s side. He wants no contact or disruption of his life.

Sometime things don’t work out the way you imagined them, I remember being a young fella day dreaming (especially when things weren’t going my way) about my natural mother coming and taking me away from it all…..
The reality unfortunately was very different.

I'm sure I am not the only one with a horror story, neither am I the only one left feeling empty and discarded after this experience, let us know.

Thanks

Moonbeam

Ah the dream of it all prob got you through lots in your youth so it isn't all bad:/ and you did at least get to meet your brothers and sisters and bmother.
I think it may have been worse if you never met but saw the death notcie.

nlgbbbblth

For people intending on meeting their natural mother / father.
______________________________________________________
Make sure you're (mentally) ready for it.

It's pretty overwhelming and can be somewhat of an artificial high. Not initially (you're on a very strange but happy sort of buzz) but over a period of time as the novelty wears off.

My biological mother went searching for me via the agency. Curiousity and a general emotional belief in my reasons for arriving into this world were the driving forces for me responding.

You're never get over the shock of the fact that there's a whole new family out there that you knew nothing about and are looking to meet you.

Unfortunately for me the contact inexplicably ceased about two years after the initial meeting and since then I haven't bothered trying to revisit that part of my life.

rikerdonegal

My heart goes out to you. It's a pity things went down that way, and I hope that you were at least able to come out of the whole experience with something positive. At least in terms of having got to meet them, and have your questions answered.

If nothing else, maybe it has re-affirmed your appreciation of the life you have built for yourself as an adult.

I don't know. Small consolation.

I, myself, am only two months into my 'new life' having met my Birth Mother early in January and finding myself with four brothers and three sisters. So far (in these early days) it has all been plain sailing. They are a lovely group and I'm already very close to my Birth Mother and two of my sisters.

I am keeping my wits about me, though. Not in terms of a big fight, really, or a dramatic parting of the ways. More, in terms of - maybe - us all drifting apart again as the months/years go by. It's certainly not something I want or expect, but I have to keep a part of me prepared for it.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

bowerau

Unlike most of the posters on this board I am not an adoptee but a birth mother. I am 38 years old and I left Ireland a long time ago now, back in 1989. I have two beautiful little boys but I think about the little girl I gave up back in Ireland all the time. She will be 21 in July.

I don't know whether I should look for her or whether I should leave it in the hope she will look for me when she's ready. I just want to know she is ok and is enjoying her life.

My husband has known about her since the day I met him and I would have no problem with explaining it to the boys except Master three year old might not quite understand yet.

Anyway, this is just a way for me to get this off my chest I'm not expecting any solutions but maybe someone might give me some insight on what it's like from the other side, that is from an adoptee's perspective on whether to look and what makes someone start looking.

holly_johnson

bowerau wrote:

Unlike most of the posters on this board I am not an adoptee but a birth mother. I am 38 years old and I left Ireland a long time ago now, back in 1989. I have two beautiful little boys but I think about the little girl I gave up back in Ireland all the time. She will be 21 in July.

I don't know whether I should look for her or whether I should leave it in the hope she will look for me when she's ready. I just want to know she is ok and is enjoying her life.

My husband has known about her since the day I met him and I would have no problem with explaining it to the boys except Master three year old might not quite understand yet.

Anyway, this is just a way for me to get this off my chest I'm not expecting any solutions but maybe someone might give me some insight on what it's like from the other side, that is from an adoptee's perspective on whether to look and what makes someone start looking.

Hi and welcome!
You're not the first birth mother that I have met who said she never stops thinking of her child. I can understand why, it's only natural. It's good that your husband knows too, as that can cause a whole heap of problems if the child ever goes searching. Plus, it's a very big secret to keep from your partner, one that can easily destroy relationships.
I'm not sure what the procedure is for mothers tracing children. I could be wrong but I always thought that it was the child who initiated contact, that the mother couldn't.
I will look into it for you and see what I can come up with.

I always knew I was adopted, so searching was always on the cards for me. It was just something I felt I had to do, to know where I came from and of course to get the answer to the big question, why?
I think it is easier for girls to accept and to search than for boys. My adopted brother freaks if adoption is mentioned and has never traced. He just can't accept it.
Not everyone knows they are adopted though. I do know of a woman who found out she was adopted in middle age when she went for her birth cert. You need to think all of these options out before you do anything. What may feel right for you could have devastating consequences for your child.
I'm not trying to turn you off; just to point out that it's something that needs a lot of consideration beforehand. If it works out it's the best feeling in the world, but if it doesn't it can be fairly devastating.

Best of luck and let us know what you decide!

bowerau

Thanks for your kind words. I'm pretty sure my daughter will know she's adopted as I kept a diary of the whole nine months and gave it to her adoptive parents so she could understand why I did it.

When we met they told me they always intended to tell her she was adopted and if she ever wanted to meet me they would support in her that.

In my heart of hearts I know I won't look because I think if she is happy with her life as it is, then there's no need to intrude and after all, that's all I wanted in the first place. I just needed somewhere or someone to vent to, so thanks again.

rwy16

Edwardthefirst (and all)

A very similar story here im afraid. Met my birth mother 10 years ago (had just turned 18 - was a little "green" im afraid, and certainly not mentally ready!). It was all good at first, but decended very rapidly.

There was a very complex set of relationships within the family, and esentially, my birth mother blamed her father for forcing her to give me up. That opinion was'nt shared by others in the family, and i was left in the middle not knowing who to believe. Others in the family (most probably wanting to protect me) would not talk about the subject, so i was left picking up bits of conversations here and there and building my own probably hugely inaccurate version of events. The tension became obvious between me and my birth mother, and has now culminated in us probably never speaking again. I said a bit too much to one of her sisters, just blowing off some steam (as you can imagine I was very confused), it was said back etc etc etc... bottom line is, thats it with me and her.

As for my birth father, well, he doesnt want any disruption in his life. His loss I tell myself, but at christmas and birthdays it can get on top. Just have to battle it and keep the head above water!

On the plus side, I do have a couple of uncles and cousins that are some of the best things to happen in my life. It is them, in many ways that helped to answer all those questions i had about myself (well, a young lad always does look up to the uncles!!). It hasnt been easy, it has had its ups and downs, but at least there are some people who look like me, and act like me etc etc that I know and can call on. And of course, my little half sister.. and a clever wee lass she is too!

But a few pieces of advice from my experience ;-)

1) To parents who gave their child up for adoption - when you meet them, tell them everything. Tell them the truth. Dont hide it from them thinking you are protecting them. You wont be. They will only talk to others who may not share the same view. They will end up confused and angry. Remember, there is no trust. They may be your child, but they still dont know you from adam! Get the lies and bull**** out of the equation.

2) To adopted children seeking their birth families: Keep your thoughts for you. Dont tell everyone how you feel, how unsettled you are, all these strange things that happen you when your every perception of what a family is gets turned on it head. Only others who have had the same will understand. Be realistic: even though these people may be related to you, there is still no history, and what you say can be so very easily used to exploit you. Not that your mother ever should, but there are others in a family who might not even have known about you!


Above all, make sure its something you really want and are ready for. It can, under the wrong circumstances, be devastating. On the flip side, it really can be the positive thing it is made out to be, but it requires strength from all sides. Having said all that, its still some buzz to see someone with your eyes, nose etc etc and who even has the same sense of humour and phrases! Priceless....

Just me two cents worth... ;-)