Need some urgent Advice !

LegacyUser

I’ve been going out with my GF for 3 years now.
When we met she was very inexperienced and ive been her first real BF.
I on the other hand was a lot more experienced in terms of relationships and such.
She is a lovely girl, extremely nice personality, from a very good family and roots and I really do love her.
She on the other hand adores me, I mean she really does and she shows it by just spoiling me rotten.
I would marry this girl tomorrow if it wasn’t for one thing that just keeps and bugging me and its for this thing that I’ve actually broken up with her.
Im not sexually attracted to her and her sex drive is very low.
Our sex life went from godson to none existent almost.
We would have sex every now and then but its only because we think we owe it to each other or something.
She is a very pretty girl in my eyes but the sexual attraction is just not there.
And this is what im scared of to be honest.
Ive heard of married ppl who got divorced because of this issue and this is what concerns me.
In terms of compatibility and personality match I am pretty sure I will not find any one better but im just afraid that this may be enough.
Ive tried breaking up over this a few times but couldn’t really bring my self to it and every time we have gotten back.
I guess the reason for this is because im not sure whether or not im doing the right thing or not and im still not sure.
We had a fight about a week ago and I called things off since then and im hoping to go through with it this time but im still unsure whether or not it’s the right thing.
I wanna be fair to her and I don’t want to keep putting her through this as im sure it breaks her heart each time, but I cant talk to her about this.
I can not tell her that im not sexually attracted to her as it will destroy her I think and will really damage her self confidence.
Now because I cant tell the real reason for all these semi breakups and this recent one,she thinks im taking advantage of the fact that she loves me and im taking her for granted because I have never given her a real reason why.
Im just looking for some advice really on how to deal with this situation and what im really wondering is :
Will the fact that im not sexually attracted to her be a big problem down the line if we get married and would it cast a shadow over everything else?

In terms of given her a reason for breakup what can I do as I really cant tell her the truth?
Thanks and sorry for the long post.

Sleepy

There's no point in being anything other than friends if you're not sexually attracted to each other.

LegacyUser

Wow.....I could nearly have posted this thread myself.

Only difference being I am still goin out with my 3+ yr gf and she is the one who had a previous serious relationship, and i didnt. Im 24 and she is 23...... the sex is nowhere near what it used to be....im still attracted to her but not half as much as i was 3 yrs ago even though she is a v nice looking girl. I know what u mean when u say she adores u as my gf is the same....and if we broke up it would shatter her. I think im the classical case of loving her but im not in love with her.

Ill be v interested to see the responses to this thread tho.

Wibbs

Where you ever sexually attracted to her in the past? Was there that heady honeymoon period? Obviously at the start of any relationship the chances are good that you won't keep your hands off each other and that initial passion will lesson with time, hopefully to be replaced with something different and more intimate.

The whole sex thing is a very important aspect in any relationship and in it's complete absence something is obviously wrong. You say you would marry her but for this so it seems in every other way(compatibility, trust, general intimacy, friendship, her family etc.) the relationship is a very good one. In fact I know of too many relationships where the sex is great, but they wouldn't have the other good stuff you seem to be describing. I would also say that for some relationships the lack of sexual "spark" can be directly traced to not having the other stuff you say you have with this woman.

While I take the point that Sleepy makes, I'm wondering if you think you can ever be sexually attracted to her and get back some of the initial attraction you must have had for her at the start(I presume). Often the sexual side can ebb and flow in a long term relationship and sometimes it can take work to keep it going. I think nowadays there is the expectation that hot and heavy sex is a right that just happens naturally and will continue to happen forever without any effort. Sadly that's not true.

My worry is that you may leave her on the basis that without the sex(at the moment) you're "only" friends, only to discover that you may have lost someone that could, if the sex thing is explored and resolved, be the right person for you. A sexless relationship is obviously to be avoided, but there have been a few women I've been with where the sex was great, but I could never have thought of them as an intimate friend. maybe I'm getting old but given the hypothetical one or the other choice the latter would be preferable in the longterm. In the real world it's of course different and I hope you can both work towards striking a balance and come out the other side.

You're going to have to bite the bullet in this and discuss it. It'll be hard but it's the only way forward, regardless of the outcome.

I probably haven't helped much and I don't envy you, but good luck with it.

warrenaldo

i think you are right to say nothing about not being sexually attracted to her anymore. that would kill her.
but there is nothing wrong with saying that your unhappy with your sex life.
if you want to work stuff out then id tell her your unhappy with the sex life.

free2fly

Op you sound so torn over what to do. It has to be a very difficult decision as you care so much for this girl. From my own experience I know exactly what you are going through. I was in the exact same situation. I decided that the lack of sex and intimacy wasn't a big enough issue not to marry my bf. I was very, very wrong. I suffered through 10 years of hell because of my choice. It turned out to be a huge issue for me. My marriage ended this past June. We have managed to remain very good friends. In fact, we are better friends now than we were before. My point being, we should have just been friends in the long run. Of course, this is my story. It may not be that way for you and you are the only one who can decide what to do about your own situation.

I think that if you want to try to make it work you have to have an honest discussion with her about how dissatisfied you are with your sex life. But, if you truly are not attracted to her sexually then I think the best thing to do would be to end it. It will probably only cause you both a lot of heartache in the end.

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

My worry is that you may leave her on the basis that without the sex(at the moment) you're "only" friends, only to discover that you may have lost someone that could, if the sex thing is explored and resolved, be the right person for you. A sexless relationship is obviously to be avoided, but there have been a few women I've been with where the sex was great, but I could never have thought of them as an intimate friend. maybe I'm getting old but given the hypothetical one or the other choice the latter would be preferable in the longterm. In the real world it's of course different and I hope you can both work towards striking a balance and come out the other side.

You're going to have to bite the bullet in this and discuss it. It'll be hard but it's the only way forward, regardless of the outcome.

I probably haven't helped much and I don't envy you, but good luck with it.

This is my exact worry.
In every other aspect we are compatible.
I really cant imagine anything else I would want in my partner that she does not have but im just worried that in time not being sexually attracted to her will ruin us.
I know ever relationship requires compromise from both sides but there is compromise and there are mistakes.
I have no problem making a compromises for this relationship to work and nither does she ,im just worried that my compromises may indeed prove to be a mistake.

This is really eating me up as I reliaze it’s a very big decision.
Im 30 years old so im not that young an inexperienced.
In one hand I have pretty much a very good life partner who I can easily see spending the rest of my life with and I do know opportunities like this don’t come along that often.
On the other hand im concerned whether this sexual gap between us is a big enough problem that will eventually ruin us.
I have not been able to leave her yet though I have had chances to go with girls that I find sexually attractive.
The reason is that ive always asked this question from my self that “personality wise would she be better than my current GF ?” and the answer is always no .'

Wibbs

Compromises are good. The issue is is this a compromise worth making. If you were both of the low sex drive persuasion I'd say maybe. If there's a big imbalance then no.

As I said in my first post, where you ever sexually attracted to her? This is important I think. You've said she's a good looking woman in your eyes. I assume the initial attraction was there? If it was it may be possible to get it back for both of you.

Also is she sexually attracted to you? The phrase "we think we owe it to each other or something" stood out for me. Is there a dissatisfaction on both sides? Is her initial and possibly continuing inexperience a factor. Is it not so much her physical appearance or is it her performance that's a lot of it? Maybe it's the same for the both of you. Bad sex can often cause more difficulty than no sex at all. Look, I'm not asking you to answer these things here, indeed it would be very rude of me to expect you to and it's none of anyones business, but these are questions that you should be asking yourself and each other. That may help if everything else in the relationship is as good as you say. The more you interest her in that department, the more she may in turn interest you.

Put it another way, if your intimacy level is as good as you say then a discussion along those lines should be doable if awkward at first. If you have good intimacy I suspect you just may be able to overcome this, with a lot of reflection and communication. Free2fly made the point that she had a very rough time because of a lack of sex and intimacy in her marriage. The lack of intimacy is worse IMHO. I know people who through disability have little of a "sex life" as many would judge it, but they're very intimate and it works.

I'm probably not getting my rambling point across very well, but you have to talk to her, for both your sakes.

padser

Since the whole thing boils down to sex I would suggest trying different things sexually to see if anything works for either of you....the internet should be a good starting point for information

Kell

NeedAdvice123 wrote:

This is really eating me up as I reliaze it’s a very big decision.

Hmmn. Its a toughie.

Heres a question that you havent asked yourself though, which deserves consideration. Does she make you go "wow" everytime you think about or look at her?

You have 95% of your bliss with this girl, and yet the 5% eludes you. Is it really the attractiveness issue, or is it a missing wow factor thing? Bear in mind, you didnt mention anything at all about her looks in your posts save for "she doesnt do it for me".

If she doesnt make you go wow, decision made and on yer bike. If she does, but not necessarily in the sexual dept, talk to her. Everyone is open to discussion about their sex lives if they love their partner. She just might be shy or something hence the low drive because she might genuinely lack confidence in the sack and doesnt want to look like a twat by asking.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Hmmn. Its a toughie.

Heres a question that you havent asked yourself though, which deserves consideration. Does she make you go "wow" everytime you think about or look at her?

You have 95% of your bliss with this girl, and yet the 5% eludes you. Is it really the attractiveness issue, or is it a missing wow factor thing? Bear in mind, you didnt mention anything at all about her looks in your posts save for "she doesnt do it for me".

If she doesnt make you go wow, decision made and on yer bike. If she does, but not necessarily in the sexual dept, talk to her. Everyone is open to discussion about their sex lives if they love their partner. She just might be shy or something hence the low drive because she might genuinely lack confidence in the sack and doesnt want to look like a twat by asking.

K-

Kell is right it is a toughy as undoubtedly you love this girl and vice versa.
Free2fly has been in a similar situation and the outcome has been explained for you if this continues to be an issue.

There are several aspects to this, non actually to do with your girlfriends and all to do with you (hey don't worry i am not attacking)

communication, intimacy and why YOU feel this way.

You have been with her 3 years now, in that time things do change between couples. There must have been something about her which you found attractive, but perhaps like a comfortable jacket you no longer look at it. Can you recall it at all?

Has her libido always been low or is it recent?

How long has this disparity between you been an issue and how long have you let it get worse?

it is fine with the benefit if hindsight for us to say well you should have said something, but these things can slowly creep up on you til one day you just wake and wonder.

I am going to assume that you want to do something about it and that rather than breaking up it will be positive.

Firstly: Rather than say what is it about her that doesn't attract you think about what is it in you that doesn't find her attractive. Is it the lack of sex, or intimacy issues, that you are not in effect rising in love with each other, but growing distant.
Is she happy with her sex life, or like you, is she unsure of how to communicate?

Communication, yes you need to do this. Rather than saying you don't turn me. Turn it around and say how it is affecting you. you have to be more open with her

Intimacy: There are simple ways of developing intimacy which will redevelop closeness. This doesn't necesssarily involve sex, but just simply looking at her with new eyes and just seeing her as a unique and wonderful person. In essential just opening to her.
From working that basis it is a start to redeveloping an intimate realtionship.
there is a little golden rule "if you want your partner to be a good lover, become one yourself". You will have to take the lead, gently and move forward with her on this, if you want her to be open, be open yourself.

I think that one would call it attempting to rediscover your lover, and in so doing rediscover the lover in yourself.

I do fully appreciate how hard it is for you and that in the end it may not be enough. But I wish you luck on whatever decision you make.

AnonoBoy

I think Free2Fly is the case you should be looking at here.

She decided that sexual intimacy and attraction weren't necessary for a marriage to work and then found out that wasn't the case.

Ask yourself this - could you be truly happy for the rest of your life if you were with someone that you were not sexually attracted to.

It's not an easy decision but I think you'll probably find that, in the long run, it's better for both of you if you don't fall into a marriage just because you're afraid of hurting her temporarily.

Remember that she deserves to be with someone who is attracted to her as much as you deserve to be with someone that you're attracted to.

LegacyUser

'WOW,
A lot of good advice here and I do appreciate every reply.
After reading the replies and talking to a few people ive decided to bite the bullet and talk to her.
I think its going to extremely difficult but at the same time I think its necessary.
I desperately want this to work and im sure she does too.
Basically what Free2fly said is my main worry.

She is extremely shy and as I said I was her first real BF as well so she is not all that experienced so maybe that has something to do with it.

I don’t really know if she feels the same way towards me sexually or not but im going to find out.
I know she does have a low sex drive though.
In terms of intimacy I don’t think we really have a problem.
We are very close.
Im generally the type of person who keeps to him self and don’t share all that much.
But f there is something troubling me I don’t let on either so its not like my behavior would change at all if something is troubling me.
Bar from her family I think its safe to say im the closest person to her so im pretty sure intimacy is not an issue.'

Wibbs

Good luck. It may be hard but if you come close to solving this your relationship can only get better. IMveryHO sex is often the gauge of the state of a relationship, it's not the core. Trust, compatibility, shared goals, intimacy, emotional support to a level not found in "ordinary" friendship are all equally valid if not more so.

Often times the sex or lack of it, especially in a long term relationship like yours is a warning that the other issues in the relationship are not being addressed. I hope this isn't the case with you and your partner(I suspect from what you've written it's not) and if it's any consolation I know others who have fought through exactly this problem and have come out stronger as a couple.

Of course free2fly's example is the other side of the coin too. Everyone's different and every couple is different too. Nobody is going through the same as you two. They may have had similar problems, but they're not you. so don't be too quick to believe the pat answer of "if their's no sex then your just friends". We're all a little more complex than that and while that answer can be true in some, maybe most people and relationships, yours is unique so treat it that way.

I hope we all helped even a little and I wish you well.

I feel quite giving and open after that. It won't last long so take a picture.:D