Single Parent

PinkPrincess26

Ok so I'm seperated from my partner a couple of months now, we have a child together. I was out last week in town having a few drinks, my first time out since we split.
I was talking to this guy most of the night, he had asked for my number and everything, we had'nt even had a kiss, we just sota clicked or so i thought. I hadnt mentioned my son to him but on the front of my phone is a picture of me and my son, he then asked me was this my nephew !! when I told him it was my son, you'd wanna see the look on his face.
Why do men assume that just because your a single parent your obviously looking for a father to your child ? he then made a comment that I should of mentioned that i had a son straight away. Am I now supposed to introduce myself like this, "hello my name is ****** and im a single mother, what a load of crap.
I personally think im a great catch! I have a great job, I own my own house and im not to bad on the eye! and my son already has father.

Petey2006

There is absolutely no reason you should have to mention that you have a son when introducing yourself to someone. This isn't something you should beat yourself up over. The guy just cant handle that you have a child and that's his problem. Some of us have no problem with it at all! A friend of mine recently got engaged to his girlfriend of four years. She has two children with another man. His relationship with the children is amazing and they're going to make a fantastic family.
Unfortunately some guys see single women with a child as carrying baggage. But that speaks volumes about the type of guy he is. Someone you're probably better off without.

theTinker

I hope you dont mind me saying that that is a really funny moment.

Im a single bloke myself, im fairly decent but i have stupidity like most people. If i was chatting a girl up for a night and then she "sprung" that on me, I would get a lil.... "oh ****"... myself.
I think its because it would appear that having a relationship with you/her would mean taking on the child aswell.
I've never dated a mother so im not sure how real this is though. Its pretty silly alright, Im sure that you wouldnt even want most guys u meet to take on ANY father role EVER.hehe.

It is quite a big part of your life though, why did you take so long to mention it?

If your all that you say you are, Its his loss. Consider it a way of filtering out idiots.

iremex

dont let it get you down. and if a guy tells you that "you should of have mentioned it straight away" then he really isnt someone worth your time or feeling getting involved with.
i met a girl a few years back(i was 20) who had a baby girl and it wasnt a problem for me. to this day, even after we broke up 4years ago, i still havent found someone like her.!

james123

f**k them youll find the right guy, just have to wait those fellas are not worth the time

PinkPrincess26

Thanx lads for all the replys

Carrigart Exile

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

Thanx lads for all the replys

I've actually learned that single parents tend to make better partners because they have learned to be less selfish than single folk

Talliesin

One guy was an asshole.

This demonstrates that some guys are assholes.

It's good to know that, TBH.

Nevyn

Talliesin that is not helpful and off topic and unhelpful postings will get you banned from this forum even if I have to get an admin to do it.

The OP has only recently gotten back into the dating scene and has been rebuffed in the way she prolly feared the most.

Yep there are guys like that out there but would you reall want to date one for any lenght of time ? esp if they may be intolerant of your child coming frist ?

There are people out there who don't have issue dating sometone who has a child but i may take some time before you cross the path of someone you like and click with.

Talliesin

Thaedydal wrote:

The OP has only recently gotten back into the dating scene and has been rebuffed in the way she prolly feared the most.

I don't see how remembering that a lot of people are assholes and seeing that this was an example of such hurts there.

To perhaps expand upon my point however...

All of us run the risk, when dating, of encountering people that we would have been better off not encountering. Whatever our own situations we have particular vulnerable points and stuff we had laugh off with no more upset than irritation that we could have done something else with the time.

Some of the time this is because people have issues, or are really incompatible with us through perfectly good and decent people, or just somehow rub us up the wrong way. And some of the time this is because some people are assholes.

This guy is clearly in the latter category. Some people are potentially going to be in the former category - okay people and all, but they've their own issues and aren't going to be okay with dating someone with kids for that reason.

Some people will be in neither category.

Same as for any of us.

Wibbs

james123 wrote:

f**k them youll find the right guy, just have to wait those fellas are not worth the time

Very well, if bluntly put.:D Good advice from james123.

frobisher

I'm a fulltime single father so I can relate to this situation. At first I didn't know what to say to people, I felt that bringing it up too early might put people off and make me sound like I'm after something whereas leaving it quite late felt like I was hiding something, or heaven forbid, scare them away! And then I chilled the f*ck out and let come up of it's own accord!! mUch easier and far more realxing!

One thing I do when it comes up in this kind of scenario is ask the girl if she is available to become a mother for my child. They usually have a jaw drop moment and then crack up laughing. It's a good way of dealing with it with humour and kind of lays the cards on the table that we're just having fun.

A twist on it for me is that I had my son when I was 19 so he's almost 14 now. I'm 33 but I'm quite a young 33. People think I look 26 and for some reason I seem to get attention from younger girls. When they hear I bring up a teenager alone they can barely beleive it! I've come to quite enjoy the look of shock and see how people react.

What I can say from experience is that as a single parent the relationship rules can be a little different. Dating and just having fun shouldn't be any different but some people feel that getting involved with someone who has a kid means getting in involved with the kid. And for some people I guess it makes a sense. But then again I personally feel that I'm at a stage in my life where I've learnt to be happy as an individual so if people can't make it past hurdles like me being a parent then I'm glad I found out and that it's genuinely their loss. Try foster the same attitude OP, it's healthy in our situation!

spurious

frobisher wrote:

Dating and just having fun shouldn't be any different but some people feel that getting involved with someone who has a kid means getting in involved with the kid.

It also, in my experience, means being in second place to the kid - and that's OK, once you know that's how it is.

I agree with the comment that single parents (in general) tend to be less selfish etc. It goes with the job.

The Corinthian

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

Why do men assume that just because your a single parent your obviously looking for a father to your child ?

Because some women do. I’m certainly not suggesting all, most or even many do, but some single mothers who have little or no involvement from the father of the child will have this agenda.

And in fairness dating a single mother / father is not just the same as someone without children. More correctly the dating part will be, but if the relationship progresses and you end up moving in together or making a commitment such as marriage the non-parent effectively will have, to some degree, to care for another person’s child.

Some men, and women, don’t want this complication or on principle (much the same way some will not want to date a divorcee) and while it’s not fair to the single parent, neither is the belief that it shouldn’t be a factor either, given its obvious implications.

he then made a comment that I should of mentioned that i had a son straight away.

That was pretty insensitive, TBH. I do think that it should be mentioned early on in any relationship, but straight away is a bit over the top.

metrovelvet

I suggest you get used to this, or at least be prepared for it.

It sounds like he was trying to compensate for his rude behavior by blamng you for it. "Why didnt yhe ou tell me you were a mother?" Why didnt he tell you he was a prick?

You are not obliged to reveal anything about you or your family to anyone.

On the plus side, at least you have a method for separating the mice from the men.

Victor

Many people associate parents with children with their (previous) partner, as "taken". Breaking the stereotype is difficult.

Separately, there is a question of "why aren't you still with the child's other parent?". "Are you a bad person or do you have a problem identifying bad people (the ex)?"

Personally, I saw a little bit of hope when a woman I know spoke of her daughter’s father, not of her partner / boyfriend / husband.

metrovelvet

Victor wrote:

Many people associate parents with children with their (previous) partner, as "taken". Breaking the stereotype is difficult.

Its true. Its the new virginity. Plus many arent comfortable with the thought that another man is lurking somewhere on the scene and will be in the picture.

LegacyUser

having a child is simply a by-product of sex...does every guy you meet expect you to have been saving yourself all these years for them?

Black Swan

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

Why do men assume that just because your a single parent your obviously looking for a father to your child ? he then made a comment that I should of mentioned that i had a son straight away. Am I now supposed to introduce myself like this, "hello my name is ****** and im a single mother, what a load of crap.

Well, you are lucky you did not go out with him, only to find out later about him? He announced who he was by his adverse reaction

Talliesin

Unreg2678 wrote:

having a child is simply a by-product of sex...does every guy you meet expect you to have been saving yourself all these years for them?

I have to say, I wouldn't date someone who thought my children were "simply a by-product of sex".

They have to be prepared to deal with the fact that I'm a father and my children are a big part of my life.

If someone couldn't deal with that, then fair enough (though I'd appreciate a touch more tact than the tosser the OP described in her first post).

Nickibaby*

I think his comment was a bit abrupt but if he doesn't want to get involved with someone who has a child already then there was no point in stringing you along or continuing to pretend he was interested.

Just take it that he saved you wasting your time so you can find someone who is more suited to you.

dory

I agree with the 'parents tend to be less selfish comment'.
As someone who recently dated a single mother I can tell you it makes no difference! Didn't to me anyway. Actually, it was really cool seeing her be all motherly, and funny when she gave out to the little guy!
Good luck with it, and please take no notice of the idiots!